To think being sahm to 2 primary aged kids is the life of Reilly?

[Mummyusername]

Just that really. My youngest will start school soon and Im imagining having the perfect combo of me time and then kids' hubbub after school.
Just wondering if I'm missing something though as when working I imagined having way more time on my hands when at home than I actually seem to have?

You missed off the second part of the sentence. I would think that at 39+ if you and your siblings are still living at home and attending school, there are problems!

It is easier.

I am in this situation at the moment. You basically have hours of 9am - 2:30pm "to yourself" (it doesn't mean there is nothing to do, but you have that time uninterrupted to manage yourself).

It can either be boring or lonely if you don't find things to do.

But its "easy", in that you don't have to be up and ready yourself for the day ahead to do the school run, just dressed. (No, I don't do the school run in my PJ's or anything like that, but I haven't got up at 6am to blow dry my hair or anything like that, which I used to when I worked in a corporate environment).

I come home from dropping them off THEN have breakfast, coffee etc, this makes it a nice leisurely ritual.

I don't spend all day doing housework, I have a cleaner, though there are plenty of things to do around the house, so you find other things to do that give social stimulation.

There are plenty of opportunities to socialise/exercise/shop (be it food or whatever) which compared to having 2 pre-schoolers.

I do help my husband out with things, he works fairly long hours and commutes. He doesn't "keep" me as such though, I have already "made my money" and its invested in property, that provides my income, so its nice to relax a bit now having been in the full-on years when they were both babies and pre-schoolers, its now time to debrief from all that and see what I want to do next. I don't want to go back to corporate stuff, summer holidays would be too tricky, but I might start a business in another couple of years perhaps.

As long as you have enough to do, it is easy and relaxed, in my experience.

oh and this "but claiming to be as busy as someone who works and parents is just daft."

is wrong. You dont know what anyone else does with their life or what they're required to do during the day, and i'm not going to post my minute by minute schedule for you.. but trust me i am 'busier' than my DH who works 7-4 every day... and he has confirmed that as there have been occasions when i've left him to it after he's been unappreciative.

He prefers going to work as he CANNOT cope with everything i have to plan/do during the day.

I'm quite sure were my DS not disabled and my mother not largely reliant on me to help her with her shopping/housework/company since my dad died, my week would be a lot more leisurely, but its not.

I really dont understand why some working moms feel the need to get into a pissing contest about it and belittle and scoff at those of us who don't work.

I used to have the life of riley... Til i git divorced.

Just dont get complacent. Being a sahm can be fab, but it also makes you vulnerable, as you are dependent on someone else.

I was for until my second was in year 3 and my oldest in year 5. I enjoyed my time, got really fit with the gym mums. Had coffee with my friends, basically enjoyed myself for. It also meant I could do the enormous amount of medical appointments with my oldest which we could never have managed if I'd been working. I also became a volunteer with Homestart and did that for 3 years. Then when she was 10 she was signed off from most of the clinics and I got a bit bored so decided to go back to work.

I work part time, school hours. I'm not as fit as I was (I never worried about housework, my husband doesn't care either) I really enjoyed my 8 years off but I enjoy my adult company now. We've got the balance right at the moment.

I miss my leisurely days with no rushing around, I would agree in my situation it was the life of reilly and I was very lucky.

I'm a bit worried about posting this, but here goes.
Reading this threads, and hearing from the SAHMs who go for coffee, do the shopping, act as their DH's PA is a bit … depressing. Where's the ambition? Did you genuinely grow up thinking 'what I want to be when I'm older is the house skivvy in exchange for the opportunity to go for a coffee every so often?' And if you didn't, when did things change and why? (I don't include those looking after elderly parents / children with special needs here)
Wanting an easy life is understandable. it's just that choosing to live off your husband's earnings makes women look submissive to men (it turns us back into children, doesn't it?) and creates a culture that affects working women too, who still do more of the childcare, cleaning round the house etc than their husbands because that's 'women's work' innit?

I'm a sahm with one ds in nursery full time. Yes it's the life of riley. But sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life. Like I should be doing more with myself. But then that feeling goes and I'm back to the life of riley again I'll have to go back to work soon, so might as well enjoy it while I can. And dp could never be a sahp, the housework etc wouldn't get done and he would eventually be climbing the walls with boredom.

My role at work was made redundant back in November and I have hated being at home. It's been nice to do the school run, but I have really struggled to fill my time from 9-3.

House is spotless (but then it always was anyway). Ironing is up to date, no DIY to do. I did help out in school before Christmas, but it has started to interfere with interviews and to be honest, the kids did my head in lol.

Shit, I am so bored and can't wait to get back to work.

Strangechild - I don't think I have ever met anyone who 'chose' from a young age to be a SAHP and live off their husband. I think that circumstances just dictate it. I couldn't do it, as I would never put myself in a situation where (when DH ran off with a younger model) to not be able to manage financially. The lone parent forum is full of SAHM's who's relationship has broken down and they are in a state of panic, as they have no income.

I get your point about ambition - some people have it, some people don't and some people lose it when the children come along. I have ambition and will continue to, mainly so I can provide for my son and give him a good life.

If I did stay at home I would have planned activities. No daytime television!

I would do voluntary work, join the PTA at my dcs school.

Going for coffee/to the shopping centre would bore me senseless unless done occasionally.

I know one mother whose ds attends school with my dc. Her whole life revolves around her dc. She has no idea or care for anything that exists outside of her network. She barely leaves town as her family are all close by. She is only 25.

There are plenty of things a sahm can do. Start a business/join Avon/volunteer.

You do not need to throw away your ambition because you are no longer in a working environment.

strangechild I think live and let live is the best way forward. Looking at someone other family's choices as affecting you is not productive.

We live in a quite varied society and within that are allowed to work out our own lives.

I agree with you strangechild. I am a SAHM and I can't be considered a feminist icon - whatever "views" I hold are secondary to my actions, I am cognizant of that. Long-term SAHM-hood is not good for women in general.

I am obsessed with creating an idyllic childhood for my kids and the millions of little things that I do in support of this aren't really compatible with a super-charged career at this point. Money is not particularly an issue, and my husband isn't hugely stressed at work (family business), he does interesting work and is happy when he comes home.

If he were in the City rather than a family setup, I'd be back in my old career again just by way of risk diversification. I do find it strangely risky when couples enter into super-expensive lifestyles supported by one City income.

Incidentally I might be going back to my old job and my husband is generally unhappy about it (not in an unsupportive way).

Strangechild I don't really remember my ambitions as a kid. I wasn't a planner then, I'm not a planner now. I'll admit I assumed I'd be the primary care-giver. My husband probably did too. Social conditioning and all that...I've certainly never thought of myself as a skivvy!

Also it's not his money. It's ours. Though I must admit that I'm comfortable with the way things have turned out, partly because I brought a fair chunk of cash to the relationship when it began, up to when I stopped working (due to his job move) a couple of years ago. I'm 46 now, so a good 20+ years of working in a professional capacity, ending up at a reasonably senior level. We have investments now that we wouldn't have had without my income. So I consider that I am financially contributing to the relationship. Life is easier for him and me. As it turned out I juggled kids and work and not long after they were all at school I found myself without a job. Two partners working and parenting was a constant juggle. Now it isn't.

Life is good. It's easier than this Riely fella, I imagine.

That said, Alice makes a good point - one I've also made many times.

I've started to do some freelance stuff to keep my hand in. I can do that because I have many years of experience under my belt and have kept up with my contacts. Am I still ambitious? Not really. I think the OP would be making a mistake to give up her career entirely after only a handful of years and at such a young age.

strange

Don't worry you are not being rude

But before I answer I just need to get one thing straight...I'm not a fucking skivvy

To answer you though, I never wanted to be a SAHM to a 16, 13 and 11 year old

I wanted to join the police force when I left college, at the interview stage I was told to get some life experience and come back

10 years later I reapplied but found I was pregnant!!!!!! I had an office based job at the time and we did think about whether I would go back to work but we decided that I would give up my job as I always wanted to be around for my children before they went to school as my mother did for me and my brother and I could go back to a similar job when the children were at school

We didn't have a lot of money so it was a bit tough but not too bad. Dd came along three years later and ds2 was a ermmmm surprise shall we say 18 months after that (not an accident...I know how sex works)

Three children under 5 was hard work. By the time ds2 was ready for school we had more money so it wasn't a necessity to go back to work and we both agreed that holidays would be a pain in the butt and it would be easier for me to be around for the children. I meant to go back when ds2 went to junior school, and then senior school but it still hasn't happened

Now I know that was boring but I didn't intend to be at home this long, I am not my husbands PA, he does all the paperwork, car stuff, holiday booking etc. I do not do all the housework, he does the bathrooms, DIY, bins, dishwasher, share the cooking, he does lunchboxes and makes beds etc

If you met me you would know I'm not in the slightest bit submissive

I appreciate your comments about working women having to do the bulk of the housework but that's not how it works in my house,

Gosh that was long...and boring.....sorry

A poster mentioned knowing women who stay at home and receive benefits and tax credits. I assumed only women whose husbands are on low incomes would be eligible. Is the cut off £26k household income?

If I did not work, we would receive £0 in benefits. I tried for tax credits when on the tail end of my maternity pay receiving next to nothing and we were not eligible.

my ambitions haven't changed, they just got put on hold.

I got my qualifications as a TA before i had children, in september i'm hoping to start the next NVQ level training which takes 12mo of night school, i'm working towards going back to work at a point it WORKS for us as a family.

I've never been 'career driven', thats just not me. I keep my hand in volunteering at my childrens school a couple of mornings a week when i can fit it around other stuff.

Strange

I have lots of ambitions, goals, but they don't involve woh and especially not for somebody else.
I get such a sense of achievement helping dh in the business, and doing things for our kids.
they grow up too soon, and then they're gone.
I intended to make the most of them whilst here.
Tbh I couldn't give a stuff what other people think as long as I am doing the right thing for me and my family.
There again I'm lucky that I met a man who doesn't think I'm subservient or submissive and treats me with respect appreciating me for who I am.
As long as the bills are paid he doesn't care what happens to the money, he gives it to me to manage and he trusts that I will manage it well.
I don't feel bad that dh earns the money because it would have cost thousands in childcare over the years and we'd probably have had a cleaner too, even a second car. I save tons of money on the domestic costs especially food shopping.
I have never done an online shop for food in my life, I like shopping for offers, this saves us a fortune.
Recently I have been able to give dd a tailor made education and support her in her career, which she has started already at age 11. I'd have been unable to do this if working.
If I was taken for granted and not appreciated it would be a different ball game, I'm nobodies fool.

I've never been particularly ambitious and never wanted a proper career.

I worked full time in the City until I was made redundant when my eldest was 3 (she's 13 now) at around the same time DH was offered the most perfect job so it made sense to stay home for a while as his hours/travelling would have made me working too beyond stressful. Then we moved away (for DH's job) and now live semi-rurally by the sea. I have had odd jobs over the last few years, evenings in our village shop and stuff like that, and until quite recently I did some data entry type work from home part time (10 hours a week)

We now foster and I'm not allowed to work. I love fostering and find it very rewarding. I feel that I have far more purpose now than I ever did slogging away in various financial institutions.

And it's not his money, it's our money. We both make valid contributions to the running of our family and home.

We both have life insurance and pensions, I inherited a property several years ago which is in my name and rented out so we're both protected should anything happen to either of us. Actually, I think DH would be the one most adversely affected if I dropped dead tomorrow, for me and the kids things would continue as they are now

Different strokes for different folks. I have been told I'm "letting the side down" and my choices are "a slap in the face for feminism" amongst other things, but you know what, it's my life and my family and we make our choices based on what's best for them. Maybe it is selfish, but you only live once

strange - I think the idea that ALL women should be career driven smash-the-glass-ceiling powerhouses is waning as lots of women realise that combining that with family life can be incredibly stressful and exhausting for everyone involved. As a lawyer friend of mine said when she was working full time with 3 dc's "I wasn't doing either bit of my life well, I was crap at work and crap at home". She gave up full time to work part time and is much happier for it.

My step mum has had a great career, but no kids. The mums I know who work full time and manage to juggle all the balls either have loads of family support from husband or grandparents, or a full time nanny/cleaner/gardener/financial adviser etc.... I personally don't have any family support and I don't like the idea of someone else looking after my children. Finding a job in school hours is really not possible (9-3 35 weeks a year? with days off if kids are ill? not sure what that job would be)

I think if I'd had a career that I really loved and really enriched my life I would be trying to resurrect it, but unfortunately I worked in an industry I grew to dislike (banking) and worked stupid hours, so giving up to be a SAHM was a no-brainer. I never imagined being a SAHM when I was a child, and I guess I don't have any other ambition other than to be happy and to have fun and to be a decent person. I really don't see how doing a job just for the sake of ambition would make me a better person or a better woman?

I'm not a skivvy and I'm certainly not submissive. I'm a feminist who believes women should have the choice to do what works best for them and their families, if that's CEO of a massive company then that is fabulous, if that's staying home to make a casserole, sew name tapes, help with homework and all the myriad jobs that come with SAH parenting then that's fabulous too!

Openup

I don't think women per se get money for sah, but families are awarded tax credits and other benefits if low income. The end result my be the same, as in our case the money we receive allows me to sah, but that is because we have low outgoings.
if we had huge mortgage and a lavish lifestyle it wouldn't be enough so I would have to work, iyswim

I know people who earn similar to dh but when they have looked at what they would be entitled to from tax credits it doesn't cover all their outgoings, so they both work.

Can I just say that I think this is a really nice thread

There is hardly any snippiness and just about every poster is saying 'I' or 'some' rather than the generalisations that always lead to arguments

So

Rufus

What have you got in that coffee?

Totally agree it is nice for a change.
Its good to hear what others do and think. It also goes to prove we are all doing our best for our families but in so many different ways.

I've enjoyed reading this thread and pleased to see that it's not become a bun fight.

I'm a SAHM to 2 primary age DCs and for the most part I've really enjoyed it. I feel blessed and so lucky to have spent all this time with my DCs. My DD was born just before DS started school so it was lovely to be at home with her and do all our activities, trips and outings as I had done with DS.

However, I was fairly old when I became a SAHM, late 30s. So I'd already had a successful, high earning career but it was full on and we would have needed a full time nanny. Neither DH or me wanted anyone else to look after our DCs plus neither of us have family nearby.

We are lucky that we were both high earners. I do feel guilty sometimes about spending money but have to give myself a good talking to as that's about me. DH keeps telling me I should spend more on myself. Then he reminds me how he'll be living off me in retirement. I worked for a mega corp and have a gold plated, final salary, index linked pension x 2.

So it's all swings and roundabouts really as we don't know what others circumstances are. As for death or divorce, well we have significant insurance, assets are in joint names or my name for tax purposes.

It has only been recently that I have been turning my thoughts to the next phase of my life and what I'm going to do, retraining and so on. And only recently I've felt slightly bored and feeling I'm running out of my purpose.

My DH is very grateful that I have been prepared to take on this role - I do everything without any paid help - as he has been able to fulfil his ambition of running his own business.

The biggest advantage has been that evenings and weekends are devoid of chores/admin and so on so we can concentrate on leisure time/trips etc.

Where I live there are quite a few SAHMs of similar backgrounds and in similar situations and we enjoy getting together. I've not had many snarky comments directed at me. One mum at DDs school has. I remembered her comments when she was desperately trying to get someone to have her DCs due to unexpected school closure. I didn't offer and I could have helped her out. I do think I should have offered though and feel bad now that I didn't. I've resolved to be magnanimous next time. Oh well.

So yes, it has been a life of Riley, for the most part.

I also think that for most people SHAMing is a phase in their life. I've been at home over 10 years now, younges is due to start school in September. I'm surrounded by former career women with three plus DCs who stay at home but will go back at some point, maybe part time but still.

I'm halfway through an OU degree, I hope to teach with it but I'm in no rush.

Also the theory that if our DH's up an leave will leave us stranded if somewhat valid but seeing as most mortgages require two incomes, working women are still vulnerable and would see a reduction in lifestyle, that's life.

As for ambition.....I may get slaughtered for this but when I had DS1 I just couldn't have put him in childcare......not that I'm against a that, it's just not what I wanted. I've loved having a little one at home and being able to go for walks, paint, play, do school runs, attend school functions ect. Now my youngest has just turned four I feel like all three have had the best of me.