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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing friend with awful daughter?

139 replies

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:25

I have a friend with a dd the same age as mine (2), we met at a baby massage class when the children were a couple of months old, she lives in the next street so we've fallen into a pattern of attending toddler groups etc together. Her dd has got steadily more unruly, and keeps attacking my daughter! Before Christmas she scratched her face so badly the scar is still there, her mother just shrugs and says "children will be children". I had a bit of a break over Christmas but decided to try again - today she attacked my daughter 3 times at a toddler group and also tried to bite her. She now has scratches all down her face again and my DH is going to be furious! AIBU to tell this woman that we won't be seeing them again until she starts to discipline / control her child? I'm not one for confrontation but a) I need to protect my dd and b) I don't want her learning this behaviour! Has anyone got any advice for me? Am furious really!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2015 18:34

If the mum is so lazy she is not keeping her child's nails very short then chances are she is too lazy to sort the problem out. You are doing the right thing fro your child. I left DD with someone once at this age. She said that she assumed I hadn't cut DD's nails so thought she would have a look herself. She said she couldn't believe how short DD's nails were (because I cut them constantly to try to minimise the issues) and there was literally nothing left to cut. She could still scratch.

I took her to one side and explained that she should not behave like this and why, and luckily she seemed to take it in and hasn't done it again. And this is the issue with generalising. I explained to DD hundreds of times and removed her and did all the stuff everyone tells you to do. Then, one day around 3, she grew out of it. Just when all the other parents' children hit the three-nager phase and realised that it's not parenting, it's temperament.

Of course, unlike your friend, one has to manage and remove and teach but that isn't magical and people who say, "I removed once and the child learned" would be well placed to try to parent mine. Persistent and stubborn. I wonder where she gets it. DH I promise.

Theboodythatrocked · 20/01/2015 18:42

I think moan illustrates well that children need you to stand up for them. Understand and sympathise yes but your first duty is to protect your own child.

Inkanta · 20/01/2015 18:42

I guess your priority is protecting your own daugher from being hurt anymore - poor thing. These scratches must hurt.

So you do right to keep her away.

Theboodythatrocked · 20/01/2015 18:44

But MrsT you were persisting and being a great parent. You didn't ignore or minimise but dealt with and so if course you succeeded.

That's the essence of good parenting.

Bogeyface · 20/01/2015 18:46

I just don't believe there are many educated people who genuinely 'do nothing' when their kids attack.

think again!

There was a woman who was notorious around all the playgroups locally for completely ineffectual parenting. He little darling boy was vile to all the other children and she would say "Darling, dont do that" and .... that would be it. She didnt remove him, prevent him hurting other children or apologise. I saw her a couple of years later in the supermarket and he was kicking the crap out of her, grabbing things off the shelves and throwing them, shouting and generally being a right little shit. What did she do? Nothing. Same old "Darling dont do that", even when stuff was hitting the floor and breaking. Ultimately it will be him that suffers as no one will want to be friends with him, and not learning that there are consequences for bad behaviour wont do him any favours at all.

you are talking about a TWO year old. A TWO year old. Maybe your little darling just... you know... pushed. As she is two. so its the OPs dds fault that the other kid is mistreating her and the mother does precisely fuck all to stop it?!

Nice! Presumably if your friend ever randomly attacks you then you will assume that you must have provoked them and blame yourself?!

Violettatrump · 20/01/2015 18:53

My DS was constantly and relentlessly attacked (nails scratching face) as a toddler. The mother did discipline her son and was a nice woman. I felt she did her best to resolve things however a few years down the line he was diagnosed with ASD which helped everyone. As toddlers we took a break from them for four months or so and this seemed to stop the loop. I still met the mum in the evenings and we are all friends still, kids included. DS still bears a scar today from the attacks though

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2015 18:53

You didn't ignore or minimise but dealt with and so if course you succeeded. Snapshots of my life would not have necessarily looked great to outsiders. DD grew up and out of the phase. It was hell and sometimes I did just let stuff slide.

BTW to all the 'unless they have SN' people. DD may get a diagnosis soon but didn't have one when she was two and no one would have known. SN aren't always obvious and parents don't always tell all and sundry about them.

Violettatrump · 20/01/2015 18:55

I just told my friend that I had to give DS a break from her DS as he was finding meeting too upsetting and was tearful about it

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 20/01/2015 19:01

My DS was an attacker and I spent my entire time at Toddler groups helicoperting. He was eventually diagnosed with ADD. I even gave up all groups for 6 months and did not go out or mix with anyone except two wonderful friends (rather like Tattydevine above) who stuck by me. 25 years on we are still friends. My son grew up and is quite charming now!

Flomple · 20/01/2015 19:02

lovelydoggies in the whole gamut of 4 children you've never experienced this behaviour so it's abnormal and must be down to the parenting?! Wow, how smug and narrow minded?!

I used to be a smug parent too. Then DS came along and he was a biter, a scratcher and a hitter. And parents of children who do this are very much judged on whether they do enough, and do the right things, to counter it. Trouble is, we are most often judged by people whose children do not do these things, who often have very little idea of what works with someone else's completely different child. DS had very limited understanding of language at 2, poor hearing, virtually no recognisable speech, and he was a very angry little boy. He was also normal. I went from being a parent who was regularly complimented on her child's behaviour (DC1) to one who, by the looks of this thread, was resoundingly judged on her poor parenting and abnormal child.

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2015 19:48

If the mother won't stop her child, have you tried?

Grab her hand before she gets to your daughter with a very firm No.

And if the mother says anything, just say you are not prepared to have your daughter hurt while you're there and able to intervene.

lovelydoggies · 20/01/2015 20:18

Flomple .....I didn't mean to come across as smug, but no I can honestly say my children never lashed out at others. I do agree that in some cases no matter how good the parenting some kids will do this, but in the ops case the parent of the child was certainly not being a good parent.

duplodon · 20/01/2015 20:28

so its the OPs dds fault that the other kid is mistreating her and the mother does precisely fuck all to stop it?!

No, but neither am I buying it that when HER dd pushed it was because she 'learned' to push from this 'awful' child and wasn't just being a TWO year old and pushing just because.

It's such a non issue. If the other parent doesn't deal with it you stop seeing them and keep your child away from theirs. I still feel sometimes there are people on threads baying for blood about this stuff for no real reason.

southernfairy · 20/01/2015 20:42

I think there's all the difference in the world between a curious bite or two and a full-on attack directed at one particular child. Had exactly the same problem with my daughter's friend scratching, pushing and hitting; was told by her parents that she 'just had too much love to give'. This phase you describe will very probably pass, but that's hardly the point! As the mother of a four year-old who sometimes bashes other kids, I know just how mortifying it feels; a parent who doesn't even attempt to deal with it doesn't sound like one I'd want to hang out with much.

GraysAnalogy · 20/01/2015 20:56

I can't believe a PP is trying to blame the OP's child. You can't blame a child for scratching yet it seems okay to blame one for being scratched Hmm the 'they provoked me' excuse is it?

And people saying that the OP should be the one preventing it. Hmm

GraysAnalogy · 20/01/2015 20:57

As I said above, could you not just make it physically impossible for her to get at your DD
I'm not sure the OP should have to be the helicopter parent, the other mum should be doing it. That's where the issue lies.

duplodon · 20/01/2015 20:59

Noooooooooooooooooo

OP said in a later post that her dd recently pushed someone because of the behaviour she has witnessed from the other child and she's worried this will "normalise" aggressive behaviour...

It's just all nonsense. They're toddlers. You keep them apart if they're being pushy/shovey/bitey and don't associate with other parents who won't do the same. There's really nothing else to be said.

ByeByeButterfly · 20/01/2015 21:00

YANBU to tell the woman you don't want to see her again.

YABU to call the daughter terrible though as a 2 year old only does what they will get away with so it's the mother you should really be hacked off with, which I'm sure you are but describing the daughter as such doesn't help your cause.

I hope you can find a less lax parent to go to groups with.

I hope your daughter is OK :)

Original poster
Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 21:03

Thank you for your advice people ??let's call it a day now Smile

OP posts:
ChocLover2015 · 21/01/2015 13:33

So your friends DD pushes because she is 'awful'. Your DD pushes because she has been corrupted by said child.
Did you really type this wis a straight face?

duplodon · 21/01/2015 21:21

Now now Choc. The OP has called it a day.

ChocLover2015 · 21/01/2015 22:01

I wasn't aware the OP was either the queen of Mumsnet or the boss of me

fromparistoberlin73 · 21/01/2015 22:08

Mum possible

Don't feel awful. The issue is the friend does nothing and seems to not control her child or tell her off

Lots of ex biters on this thread just read it !

fromparistoberlin73 · 21/01/2015 22:09

So feisty choc lover Grin

Branleuse · 21/01/2015 22:17

can you tell her child off?