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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop seeing friend with awful daughter?

139 replies

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:25

I have a friend with a dd the same age as mine (2), we met at a baby massage class when the children were a couple of months old, she lives in the next street so we've fallen into a pattern of attending toddler groups etc together. Her dd has got steadily more unruly, and keeps attacking my daughter! Before Christmas she scratched her face so badly the scar is still there, her mother just shrugs and says "children will be children". I had a bit of a break over Christmas but decided to try again - today she attacked my daughter 3 times at a toddler group and also tried to bite her. She now has scratches all down her face again and my DH is going to be furious! AIBU to tell this woman that we won't be seeing them again until she starts to discipline / control her child? I'm not one for confrontation but a) I need to protect my dd and b) I don't want her learning this behaviour! Has anyone got any advice for me? Am furious really!

OP posts:

ILovePud · 20/01/2015 14:57

I think it's the mum's reactions and lack of concern which are objectionable though, some toddlers do seem to have more of an aggressive disposition but most parent's would be actively working to extinguish that behaviour. OP I'm sure your DD will make other friends soon, you need to do what's best for her and keeping a bit of distance from her friend seems to be what's needed at the moment.

Chandon · 20/01/2015 14:58

the child is not awful, just 2

You'd expect the mum to care a bit more.

But basically kids grow out of this.

SolomanDaisy · 20/01/2015 14:58

She's 2. Some two year-olds go through this phase, some don't. Whether they go through the phase has very little to do with the parenting. Mine went through a snatching phase - despite me intervening every time - if I stopped seeing very child who had hit or scratched in response then we would stay in a lot. He's now a non snatching three-year old. He still gets hit at preschool occasionally, because it's for two to four year-olds and loads of them go through it. It's ridiculous to stop seeing someone because their two year-old is in a difficult phase.

BeCool · 20/01/2015 14:58

it breaks my heart every time she hurts her
then stop putting her in a position where she can be hurt by this child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2015 14:58

DD was a nightmare at that age. I did try but it was absolutely constant. I could have kept her in for 18 months but I'm not sure that would have been entirely humane. We had a friend with a very biddable, quiet DD, same age. The Mum was always sympathetic and nice about DD and saw I was trying. The Dad (smug but lovely really) thought their DD's behaviour was all down to his parenting and that, by extension, my DD's was also our fault.

Then their DD hit three. Screaming, crying, hitting, tantrums; just awful. He is less vocal now.

Beware of thinking that behaviour is all controllable. At 2 (just two or almost three?) preventing and removing is the key. Rather than controlling/disciplining.

Mintyy · 20/01/2015 14:59

I did this with a friend, and it was really sad but I just couldn't carry on allowing my dd to be physically hurt by her ds, who was very strong and very angry! The poor boy just could not control himself and she wouldn't take him away. There were lots of "if you don't stop hurting other children then we'll go home" threats but she never carried them through.

She was a lovely woman and her son did of course grow out of the phase (took a year or two though!) and by that time we had grown apart. Sad, but I had to put my dd first in that instance.

Bakeoffcakes · 20/01/2015 15:00

If the mum isn't doing anything at all to stop her dd, then I think you do need to stop seeing her.

But first off, could you talk to her and say that you love meeting but don't want your dd being hurt anymore. Then try to work out a way forward when the girls are together to stop your dd getting hurt.

Greencurtain · 20/01/2015 15:03

I'd stop seeing her. I'd expect her to be apologetic over the scratches and to make an attempt at disciplining the child. The fact that she isn't embarrassed or sorry is the most shocking part and that's why I wouldn't see her.

Be very careful of making a hoo-ha about it as the kids could easily end up I'm the same primary school and even in the same class! I'd quietly distance yourself first, be busy etc, if pushed about it say that the kids aren't getting on and your dh is not happy for dd to get scratched.

Bakeoffcakes · 20/01/2015 15:05

"preventing and removing is the key. Rather than controlling/disciplining" agree very much with this MrsTerry.

The mum should really be ready to intervene as soon as her dd looks like she's about to hurt someone. So she needs to be watching her a lot. It might not be relaxing for her, but unless she does this she'll have no friends left.

Original poster

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 15:06

Thanks all!

OP posts:

Bithurt · 20/01/2015 15:06

I don't blame you for keeping your distance either. My ds went through a phase of pushing. It was really horrible and I never brushed it off. Now, if he pushes someone, which is very rare when he's excited, he gets a telling off, if he does it again we leave.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 20/01/2015 15:06

I would go with lady Lucks - response, to simply keep begging off and if she ever asks why - blame your dh " I am so sorry but dd has quite a few injuries from your daughter and he has sort of stopped us from seeing you, he went mad"

to be cowardly and take heat off yourself and also be good cop and bad cop...then if she says something about him thats negative you can gently say - well he has a point.
Its an age thing and its massively infuriating, massively so. I wouldnt let for one min my dd harm another child and not repeatedly....it would be threat and follow through.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 20/01/2015 15:07

the age of child being age thing

ILovePud · 20/01/2015 15:07

Why's it 'ridiculous' to stop seeing her SolomonDaisy? Her DD is being repeatedly hurt plus the other mum sounds like a dick with that attitude.

Bithurt · 20/01/2015 15:08

Add message | Report | Message poster Bakeoffcakes Tue 20-Jan-15 15:05:48
"preventing and removing is the key. Rather than controlling/disciplining" agree very much with this MrsTerry.

I did this. Was always behind him to catch him if he pushed. Wasn't always quick enough. I'm glad he's pretty much out of this phase.

Original poster

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 15:09

Yes I thought ridiculous was a bit harsh!

OP posts:

RufusTheReindeer · 20/01/2015 15:12

I stopped seeing a very dear friend for a period of time because her dd and later ds kept attacking my children

We are still very good friends and meet up every few months but the children were never very close and now they are much older they don't mix at all

SolomanDaisy · 20/01/2015 15:14

Ridiculous as in open to ridicule when your child goes through some terrible phase next month. If you want to stop seeing them because you're incompatible as friends, fine. But because a two-year-old is 'awful'? Well.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/01/2015 15:15

I would just distance myself, or meet when kids are at nursery if you really like the mum. I have a friend who I knew since dd was 2, she is nearly 8. Her ds is the same age, and used to bite, hit and tease dd, who has ASD. Now we meet up, away from the children, when they are in school, as the friend would prefer that. She still has problems with her ds behaviour, and he is being seen by psychologists, and refer to paeditrician.

Mintyy · 20/01/2015 15:19

It is patently not ridiculous to do your best to prevent your child from being physically hurt. I would go so far as to say it is your duty and if you don't do your best then you are failing them. Nothing ridiculous about it.

YvesJutteau · 20/01/2015 15:22

Some children are biters, but almost all of them have predictable triggers. If you have a biter it's your responsibility to stay close, watch out for the trigger and remove your child before he/she actually bites.

I've been lucky not to have a biting-other-people's-DC child, but DD2 used to bite her siblings. After the first couple of times it was generally easy to (a) spot the type of situation where biting was likely to occur, and (b) see that DD2 was gearing up to bite.

If your friend won't do anything about the behaviour you're going to have to keep your DD away until hers grows out of it (which could take a while with no effective discipline).

YvesJutteau · 20/01/2015 15:24

"It's ridiculous to stop seeing someone because their two year-old is in a difficult phase."

But it's not ridiculous to stop seeing someone because their two year-old is in a difficult phase and the parent is doing absolutely nothing about it . A child who is being effectively parented will grow out of it faster and will do less harm while mid-phase because incidents can be prevented or at least halted at an early stage.

Original poster

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 15:26

Exactly!

OP posts:

MagiMinx · 20/01/2015 15:27

My only concern about distancing, OP, would be the possibility that this mum is having serious problems with her DC's behaviour, is upset about it, and doesn't know what to do. Were this the case, she might be getting people distancing themselves left, right and centre and she might be feeling terrible. It doesn't sound like it, but is this a possibility do you think? Or might she not realise her DC's behaviour is not acceptable to others (and so would a gentle conversation help?).

On the other hand, if she just doesn't really care about her DD hurting yours, then YANBU.

Viviennemary · 20/01/2015 15:28

Do not put your DD through these vicious attacks. Stop all contact with this child until things change.

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