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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop seeing friend with awful daughter?

139 replies

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:25

I have a friend with a dd the same age as mine (2), we met at a baby massage class when the children were a couple of months old, she lives in the next street so we've fallen into a pattern of attending toddler groups etc together. Her dd has got steadily more unruly, and keeps attacking my daughter! Before Christmas she scratched her face so badly the scar is still there, her mother just shrugs and says "children will be children". I had a bit of a break over Christmas but decided to try again - today she attacked my daughter 3 times at a toddler group and also tried to bite her. She now has scratches all down her face again and my DH is going to be furious! AIBU to tell this woman that we won't be seeing them again until she starts to discipline / control her child? I'm not one for confrontation but a) I need to protect my dd and b) I don't want her learning this behaviour! Has anyone got any advice for me? Am furious really!

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 15:30

I don't think she is upset about it, just genuinely believes that this is how children behave so should be left to it! She knew I was mad this morning but doesn't really seem to get why!

OP posts:
TooManyMochas · 20/01/2015 15:34

...But it's not ridiculous to stop seeing someone because their two year-old is in a difficult phase and the parent is doing absolutely nothing about it...

Yes! Its the crappy parental response which would bother me.

MrsNuckyThompson · 20/01/2015 15:38

Personally, I'd seriously think about trying to have a calm chat with her about it. It sounds like you spend quite a lot of time with this person and it is good to have someone so close to you to hang out with and get out and about.

Are you going to stop going to these groups to avoid her? Surely you owe her the chance of at least a chat about it? I know it will be difficult, but she might be having a hard time and now she's about to be dropped by a friend.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 20/01/2015 15:39

not ridiculous at all, what if child gets an eye by accident for goodness sake?

its really frustrating and we have had this too. one mum did see what child did and tried to stop it - but without success or conviction, other mum refused every single time to believe her child had done anything wrong and he was obviously going out of his way to hurt other children on regular basis - I really liked her but this side drove me mad, had to stop seeing it wasnt fair on my DC

TooManyMochas · 20/01/2015 15:40

...just genuinely believes that this is how children behave...

Toddlers aren't the easiest God knows (mother of 3yo speaking) but I wonder if contemporary parents go too far in normalising horrible behaviour. As an aside some parenting expert or other I was reading (I think Steve Biddulph?) reckons that biting has only become relatively commonplace amongst toddlers in the past few decades and was almost unknown back in the day. I've no idea if this is the case or not.

Original poster
Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 15:41

Well yes, I have tried to talk to her before but I find it a bit difficult and I'm conscious that I don't want to sound too judgemental - perhaps you are right that I should have another go.

OP posts:
GingerCuddleMonster · 20/01/2015 15:42

much to my embarrassment I lost my cool with a friend's toddler once, he was a biter and she would sit and do nothing and once out of nowhere he bit me, and it really hurt! I saw red and gave him a telling off along the lines of "you must not bite, it's hurts people and people don't want to be friends with little boys who hurt them, you will end up with no friends" Blush

she just laughed but I made my disappearance soon after Sad saying that though his biting did calm down and he never bit me again, were still friends to this day.

I'd stop seeing her, it's not fair on your dd or your dh.

Allisgood1 · 20/01/2015 15:47

I've been in this exact situation. I got rid. I couldn't have my Dd being subjected to friends dc aggressive behaviour. She was getting hurt. The dc was out of control and Mum did f all about it because she didn't believe in telling her child "no".

LaLyra · 20/01/2015 15:47

I was ready to say you were BU because most kids have a stage of being the horrible one, but you are not. Most kids do have that stage, but most parents actually try and deal with it.

My DS was a biter. I became like a helicopter hovering near him. Any threatened sanction was carried through and I spent 3 month almost constantly mortified. Most of my friends were really supportive because they knew I was trying my very best. One wasn't, but then she also fell out with someone whose toddler spilt a drink on her DD.

The Mum's attitude would bother me going forward as well - is everything her DD ever does going to be explained away as 'just kids'?

Original poster
Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 15:48

I think the general consensus here agrees with my gut feeling that I should stop seeing them - at least for a while! Thanks for the advice everyone Smile

OP posts:
ChocLover2015 · 20/01/2015 15:48

You can easily solve this problem yourself.The thing with biting and scratching is that it happens so quickly.You need to be down on the floor very close to your DD and in such a position that you can come between them in a split second when you see frustations developing

ChocLover2015 · 20/01/2015 15:49

Are you going to stop going to the toddler group then?

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 20/01/2015 15:53

I quit a 15 year friendship because this was one of the many factors. My dd is a year older than ex friends d's and would never hit or strike him back ( I didn't expect her to she is just so placid). She was so wary of him and would stand by my side anytime they came around. He would take swipes at her, follow her around pulling her hair and clothing and take whatever she was playing with from her. I addressed the situation with my friend (nicely) and she made me out to be neurotic but grudgingly said she'd keep a closer eye on him and that he was just a normal toddler with no concept of right or wrong. The next time they came around he was playing with a toy train, dd knelt down to play next to him and he smacked her in the face with it and gave her a nosebleed and split lip requiring medical care at hospital. I screamed at her to get out and haven't seen her since (except in very awkward passing as she still lives locally).

26Point2Miles · 20/01/2015 15:53

Do you fear your DH? Why do you have to do what he says??

This stood out for me rather than the actual post about scratchy 2 year olds!!!

You don't have to obey men! You make your own mind up

Aeroflotgirl · 20/01/2015 15:56

It is totally acceptable not to see a friend who does not prevent their dc from harming others, and takes a back seat approach.

GingerCuddleMonster · 20/01/2015 15:56

she does not fear her dh Hmm they are both parents and he has expressed a wish, that in turn protects his daughter from harm. It sounds perfectly normal to me.

Original poster
Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 15:57

I'm not going to stop going to the toddler groups - there's plenty of alternative ones! And no I don't dear him, just I think he's probably right to be annoyed as it's happened again and I said it wouldn't grrrr

OP posts:
Journey · 20/01/2015 15:57

You can't change your friend's parenting style but you can change how you respond to your dd being attacked. If it happens again I'd tell your friend's child off. I wouldn't let my dd be attacked like that and then wait for her mum to discipline her when you know she's isn't going to do anything. In effect you're saying you can attack my dd and I'm not going to do anything about it which is awful. If you don't feel comfortable doing that then I'd end the friendship.

TattyDevine · 20/01/2015 16:01

My friend had one of these children, and it wasn't for want of her trying to stop it either. He was an absolute NIGHTMARE. She did just about everything she could to stop him, and there was a time where we were literally helicoptering over him in an effort to intervene before anything happened, and it was exhausting. She'd had number 2 by the time he got to his worst and I stuck by her because she wouldn't have been able to go out the house - I would supervise him whilst she breastfed her youngest, etc just so she could go out.

My son was a target for him, as he never hit back (for some unknown reason - not my parenting, just his nature). She did go a bit crackers at one point and suggested that my son was the cause of it because her son always "got a reaction" from my son, but at age 2, if you get bitten, scratched or hit, you do tend to cry, so we had a rational discussion about it and she admitted she was clutching at straws but felt he was better when my son wasn't around. I withdrew a bit for a few weeks and she sought me out to say she was wrong, and that it wasn't in fact my son, and that she was so overwhelmed by the whole thing that her views were jaded.

At one point my husband said that he didn't want me and my son socialising with them, at which point I told him that whilst I valued his opinion, he did not get to dictate how I spent my time during the day when he wasn't there (or in fact the time when he was). Not that this is really what he was trying to do - though I think if I said "ok then I won't see them" he would have been pretty happy with that!

Things eventually calmed down and he is now a fine young man and the friendship with the mother and indeed the family as a whole has endured.

Different for you, of course, if she really is doing nothing to stop this, and not supervising. Does she NEVER tell her off? Does she never supervise? If not, then things probably won't change in the short or even medium term and you might find life is more pleasant if you avoid them, which is a shame but you have to take that into consideration.

Cupcakes123 · 20/01/2015 16:02

YANBU
If it was a one off incident I would still see them but the fact that it's fairly consistent and she doesn't show much remorse that your little one is getting hurt I would steer clear

SolomanDaisy · 20/01/2015 16:26

But what does she actually do when it happens? Surely she doesn't just act like it hasn't happened?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/01/2015 16:29

Aww your poor d.d. Hope she's okay. No one likes their child to be hurt
. However.We all have different levels of toleration don't we, and I'd never say anyone is being unreasonable not wanting their child to play with someone who hurts them.
However the way I see it, children scratch bite and push each other all the time and if people were going to fight and fall out over it then that all you'd be doing.
I was always the laid back mum. It's not worth getting worked up over it as far as I'm concerned, things like this happen 1000 times a day with 2 year olds
Yes the child's mum is wrong to try and discipline her dd but then I have to day OP so are you for calling a child awful, bit uncalled for. That's someone's bsby . Their pride and joy just like your d.d is to you.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/01/2015 16:29

Not to try and discipline.

CaramellaDeVille · 20/01/2015 16:32

I've been through this. You don't need to say anything about her parenting. Just stick to the facts and say that as much as you enjoy your friends's company, your child has to come first. And every time you get together she's getting hurt.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2015 16:34

Tatty you sound just like my lovely friend, who stuck by me through all the awful times with DD. Flowers Nice to have people who understand that children are children, not awful, vicious or aggressive just children. Some bite more, tantrum more and hit more. Some are very, very shy and leg-clingers. They come as who they are.

We try to modify behaviour while trying not to spend 90% of every day teaching our child that they are naughty or bad. When you have one that hits, screams and bites, you have to find places where they can be themselves a bit. You can't tell them, with your behaviour, every day that they aren't as good as little Petunia. Because Petunia has her issues too, just ones that don't impact others in the same way.