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AIBU?

To stop seeing friend with awful daughter?

139 replies

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:25

I have a friend with a dd the same age as mine (2), we met at a baby massage class when the children were a couple of months old, she lives in the next street so we've fallen into a pattern of attending toddler groups etc together. Her dd has got steadily more unruly, and keeps attacking my daughter! Before Christmas she scratched her face so badly the scar is still there, her mother just shrugs and says "children will be children". I had a bit of a break over Christmas but decided to try again - today she attacked my daughter 3 times at a toddler group and also tried to bite her. She now has scratches all down her face again and my DH is going to be furious! AIBU to tell this woman that we won't be seeing them again until she starts to discipline / control her child? I'm not one for confrontation but a) I need to protect my dd and b) I don't want her learning this behaviour! Has anyone got any advice for me? Am furious really!

OP posts:

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lambsie · 23/01/2015 08:27

Fleetfoxes- Children have different reasons for doing it and disciplining is not the answer for every child, although of course the parent should be doing the best they can to stop other children getting hurt.

mumpossible · 23/01/2015 07:18

What was several books not poke. Sheesh!

mumpossible · 23/01/2015 07:18

I have just got he courage to cone back and read more. (Sorry if I am high jacking your thread op). I have been feeling awful to know some parents would stop their child playing with my son, or assume that I am not trying to tackle the problem. It is really heartening to read so many children grow out of this behaviour, and to read that at least some are not judging.
It might help others having this problem to hear about my latest tactic. I have just ordered several poke for him to try to get the message across to him. Obviously it won't work immediately, and still won't stop it entirely because I really don't think that at his age (only just 2) he has much control of himself. But it is worth a try. We are reading 2 books called no hitting and one called be gentle. As we read I ask him if the characters are happy or sad and explain why. I will come back and report on the progress!

Fleetfoxes · 22/01/2015 16:05

All children are different but I believe that once they have tested that boundary and been disciplined effectively they will cease to do it and realise that it doesn't draw any 'good' attention.

My DSD went through an awful phase of hitting me round the face from the ages of 3-4. She knew it was wrong and despite my best efforts kept doing it because her dad (my DP) refused to discipline her and she knew she could get away with it.

He finally saw sense after one of the nursery staff had a word and told him that her behaviour and attitude towards other children was getting out of hand. He stepped up to the mark and she's a little angel now most of the time

Violettatrump · 22/01/2015 15:58

Inkanta - further up thread you'd read that I ceased contact

3luckystars · 22/01/2015 15:53

I had a friend like that, and I was more mad at her than I was at the child!

Her son was vicious and she did nothing. We all distanced ourselves and nobody calls to her now. I could never say anything, but I just couldn't spend any time letting my son get beaten up either so just keep away.
Good luck.

Inkanta · 22/01/2015 15:42

Violet - how come you let happen - your child being subject to relentless physical attacks??

GokTwo · 22/01/2015 15:14

Totally agree BeCool. My dd is much older now but I got absolutely sick of this sort of thing when she was little. She was very shy and quiet and was constantly pushed about, shouted at and had things snatched from her. If parents deal with it fair enough but if they don't it made me so upset. Some of those little ones grew out of the behaviour and others never did. I stopped meeting up with them in the end. How would we like it if we were made to spend time with someone who thumped and kicked us all the time?

OP if I were you I would distance myself from her. If you do have to broach it I'd say "I'm sure your dd will grow out of this behaviour soon but I'd rather give this friendship a break for a while as my dd keeps getting hurt". Ironically, some of the people I know who had children who behaved like this were absolutely incandescent on the rare occasions that anyone hurt their child.

ChocLover2015 · 22/01/2015 14:49

Choclover - your child has obviously not been on the end of relentless physical attacks

No because I would hover and intervene when mine were little in the vicinity of a biter/scratcher

BeCool · 22/01/2015 11:32

I also see a lot of "now now darling it really isn't very nice to punch/bite/kick little XYZ is it?" in soothing gentle tones while darling gives them a blank look and continues her violent reign of terror in front of her "shrugging PostGrad educated Mum".

BeCool · 22/01/2015 11:29

I just don't believe there are many educated people who genuinely 'do nothing' when their kids attack.

While it might seem unbelievable I see it all the time - this week in fact at nursery. I think some parents (yes even educated people) truly flounder, or feel powerless in the face of their young unruly children. They see any form of discipline as something to avoid, rather than a necessary part of parenting, supporting and nurturing a pleasant happy balanced child.

MiaowTheCat · 22/01/2015 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Postchildrenpregranny · 22/01/2015 10:35

Had this problem with a friend's son and DD1- unprovoked biter and scratcher. He was a lot bigger than my delicate little flower (PFB) too! . Also aged about 2. He did it to other children too, I discovered. I stooped seeing her and politely declined invitations to play-she never asked why ( would have told her) but I think she knew I would have minded less if she'd made an effort to stop him or told him off. Fortunately she wasn't a close friend (part of a group ,but lived near us) and they went to USA not long after. Had she been and I really,really liked her I would have been honest and tried to support her in changing his behaviour
My DH (not one to lay down the law) was horrified and urged me to break contact . The only child who did this we ever encountered.

Violettatrump · 22/01/2015 06:58

Choclover - your child has obviously not been on the end of relentless physical attacks.

Branleuse · 21/01/2015 22:17

can you tell her child off?

fromparistoberlin73 · 21/01/2015 22:09

So feisty choc lover

fromparistoberlin73 · 21/01/2015 22:08

Mum possible

Don't feel awful. The issue is the friend does nothing and seems to not control her child or tell her off

Lots of ex biters on this thread just read it !

ChocLover2015 · 21/01/2015 22:01

I wasn't aware the OP was either the queen of Mumsnet or the boss of me

duplodon · 21/01/2015 21:21

Now now Choc. The OP has called it a day.

ChocLover2015 · 21/01/2015 13:33

So your friends DD pushes because she is 'awful'. Your DD pushes because she has been corrupted by said child.
Did you really type this wis a straight face?

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 21:03

Thank you for your advice people ??let's call it a day now

OP posts:

ByeByeButterfly · 20/01/2015 21:00

YANBU to tell the woman you don't want to see her again.

YABU to call the daughter terrible though as a 2 year old only does what they will get away with so it's the mother you should really be hacked off with, which I'm sure you are but describing the daughter as such doesn't help your cause.

I hope you can find a less lax parent to go to groups with.

I hope your daughter is OK :)

duplodon · 20/01/2015 20:59

Noooooooooooooooooo

OP said in a later post that her dd recently pushed someone because of the behaviour she has witnessed from the other child and she's worried this will "normalise" aggressive behaviour...

It's just all nonsense. They're toddlers. You keep them apart if they're being pushy/shovey/bitey and don't associate with other parents who won't do the same. There's really nothing else to be said.

GraysAnalogy · 20/01/2015 20:57

As I said above, could you not just make it physically impossible for her to get at your DD
I'm not sure the OP should have to be the helicopter parent, the other mum should be doing it. That's where the issue lies.

GraysAnalogy · 20/01/2015 20:56

I can't believe a PP is trying to blame the OP's child. You can't blame a child for scratching yet it seems okay to blame one for being scratched the 'they provoked me' excuse is it?

And people saying that the OP should be the one preventing it.

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