AIBU to not want mother-in-law on holiday with us for two weeks?

[Floraclare]

I'm feeling like the most horrible woman in the world at the moment :(. My parents have an apartment in Spain and we were hoping that we would go out to visit them in June of this year, for two weeks. They would find us another apartment on the same complex, which means we have our own space - and my parents are very relaxed and have lots of friends out there, so we have lots of time to do our own thing and they can probably do a little bit of babysitting and we might actually have a couple of nights out on our own, which is a real treat these days.

My husband mentioned that he would like to ask his mother out for a week. She's had a difficult couple of years as she lost her husband and then had breast cancer. She's a lovely woman, but really really hard work - it's hard to explain why she is such hard work, but she is overly polite and proper and incredibly twee and difficult to have a good conversation with, as repeats the last few words of every sentence you say (which sounds horribly petty). I said to definitely invite her out for a week and I would see if my parents could find another apartment. Husband has just come back to say that he has spoken to her and she wants to come for the full two weeks - and I feel like I could cry.

Husband says (althought not sure if I totally believe him), that he asked her to come for a week - but that she has got back to him to say that she wants to come for two. Two weeks of having mother-in-law on our holiday, just wouldn't feel like a holiday - as would mean two weeks of having to be super polite, worrying that she was OK and I just wouldn't feel like I could ever completely relax - and would really reduce the amount of time we would have on our own.

I feel like such a horrible person for feeling like this, but really want to ask husband to tactfully suggest that a week would be better

Assuming that your parents can arrange reasonable apartment hire rates for all of you, from MIL's pov, it's probably not much more for her for 2 weeks as it would be for one, so she could be thinking along those lines.

Now that I have neither parents nor ILs, I'd just think the proposed holiday is only 2 weeks out of your whole life and in reality only one of those you'd wish to change to be MIL-free.

You're just about committed to spending one of the weeks with her and your parents, could you arrange for the second week to be something like MIL minds dc's whilst you spend time with your parents for a little
ore time than you spend with just her?

It is a difficult balance but perhaps just this once she could come for the 2 weeks, and make it clear it's not setting any sort of precedent.

I think some posters are giving the OP (who seems lovely) a very hard time. If the holiday is the only family holiday in the year (likely) then surely it is not wrong to have some of it for just OP, DH and children? The OP's parents living nearby in Spain will be little different from MiL living nearby in the UK. They will presumably see them some of the time, but not all.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a holiday with just DH and children. You are clearly doing your best to please everyone, OP. Make sure some of the holiday suits you.

I would be careful this doesn't set a precedent. We took my DM on holiday with us when she was widowed, and for every year after for many many years. The first five or six were actually OK and worked well, but as time passed things got worse.

The last few holidays she has insisted on being glued to our sides for all waking hours. She throws a wobbly if we "disappear" (me & DH went to the laundry room for 20 mins and didn't tell her where we'd gone ) and expects us to sort out all problems, especially those of her making. She expects to have the final say on where we go, what we do, where we eat etc etc and sulks if we decide otherwise.

Needless to say that the last two years we've gone on our own. She has been whining to DD that we don't invite her anymore .

OP your DH sounds like mine - terrible at communicating, especially with his parents and he's terrified of upsetting them or offending them, despite them being lovely people who would never fall out with him.

I could imagine it being a case of...

DH: "we were wondering if you'd like to come on holiday with us?"
MIL: "oh yes that would be wonderful, two weeks in the sun is just what I need"
DH (not knowing what to say in fear of saying the wrong thing): "lovely"

And then I would tell DH that I'm not happy with two weeks and he needs to inform mil that she is only invited for one week, he would promise that he would 20,000 times but actually never would and then I'd end up having a miserable holiday all because DH can't communicate properly with his parents.

Maybe you could ring her yourself and say
"Hi mil...My parents are trying to find if there's an apartment available for you, just need to know if you're planning on coming for the first week or the second week?....oh you thought you were coming for two?..oh it looks like there's been crossed wires"

Most posters are empathising with the OP. Fine. That's understandable. Not many will be in the same position as mil.

But she is the problem and you need to think about where she's coming from.

She's lost her husband and has breast cancer. Two life-changing experiences. She's not used to doing things on her own and the thought of negotiating airports - a lot of walking - flight delays, luggage will be very daunting. It may well not even have occurred to her that you would be expecting her to do this on her own. She thought she'd be travelling with you both ways and obviously would be there for the whole two weeks.

I think a white lie over available accommodation is the kindest way to get it down to one week. But you'll then have to address travelling on her own. Can sil meet her at the airport? Or see her on the plane, if you're doing it that way round? Can you arrange airport assistance?

Treat this as a new problem that's come up, apartment only available for one week, agent made a mistake, rather than your dh backtracking. See how she feels about travelling on her own. (Btw, has anyone investigated insurance for her, with a pre-existing condition?)

Then take it from there, but stand firm on it only being one week, or the chances are you'll all have a miserable holiday and relationships will be seriously damaged.

OP your DH sounds like mine - terrible at communicating, especially with his parents and he's terrified of upsetting them or offending them, despite them being lovely people who would never fall out with him how many men are like this!

just leave them to it op, as I said its YOUR problem if you feel obliged dont!

use this an excerise in learning to step back this is his mother, maybe give them some bonding time and I bet 100% she is more nervous about whole thing than you!

OK, my mother had breast cancer and my father died not long before Christmas. So, new widow. And yes, incredibly needy at the moment. Goes with the territory. Raw suffering, 24/7. Hard enough for her own children to deal with, extra hard for her children-in-law.

And I still say, OP, not two weeks but one. Do stick to your guns. Support your MIL in other ways, and be with her at other times, but do have a holiday where you get time with your parents and your DH without having to do that.

YABU (in my view)

Totally agree with you SnowWhite!! Then on top of that you get landed with a DIL who models herself on Miss Trunchball!! Only have daughters if you can!!

It is a difficult situation but I agree with nilbyname and others that some widows are their own worst enemy. Often when a husband dies what has been going on for years - ie a complete lack of independence - is exposed in stark relief and an adult child finds that they are the substitute spouse.

My own mother made a disastrous widow as she could do nothing alone. She would have been a liability on holiday but would have loved to look after the dcs (sadly she died before she got the opportunity ).

The pil, on the other hand... OMG. I once actually left dh (before he was dh) when the pil foisted themselves upon us abroad. I got the plane home. It was that bad. And I am pretty good at hiding my feelings.

Anyway, if I were OP I would suffer the two weeks. Foist the dcs on mil so she has a purpose, and let dh take her out a bit so OP can hang with own parents unencumbered. The experience does not need to be repeated if unsuccessful.

(And, btw, I wouldn't mind looking at a thermal underwear catalogue - I'm flippin' freezing at the moment and a pair of longjohns would be a godsend.)

Really good advice Thymeout

As a MIL..I wouldn't want to go on holiday with grandchildren,DIL etc for2 weeks..we are having a long w/e. In Bath over Easter with DIL and our 1 yr.old granddaughter,for a family wedding,because of distance involved ,it's the only way we can do.it.I'm not looking forward tp it at all...it's hard work and not my idea of a fun time..your MIL.may have said yes,to be polite..I have had treatment for breast cancer too and I get very tired. Can you speak to her by herself? Maybe say,she doesn't have to come,just to make her son happy,you would understand etc etc if she wants to back out ..

Oo no, I don't think I'd say "I'll understand if you want to back out" because that makes it sound like the OP wants her MIL to back out, and if the woman is in a sensitive place just now, that's exactly what she'll think!

I think that if the OP needs to keep MIL's involvement to a week then the "accommodation only available for a week" is the way to go. All fly out together, then DH takes her back to the airport, sorts everything out for her holiday end, and maybe arrange for a friend or other relative to pick her up from the UK airport - then she's done it all with you, so can't claim ignorance; and she's being given maximum help to get her through the rest.
Anyway, she might be sick of you lot by the end of the first week too!

We're in a similar position with my DM - recently widowed and not done anything independently for years and years. The thing I think would bother her in the one week scenario is the travelling - there is no way in a million years she would fly by herself, and it wouldn't even occur to her that anyone would expect her to, so this may well be why your MIL has assumed she's invited for the whole thing - because surely there's no other option?!

I'm pretty confident my DM would rather miss out on the entire holiday than have to negotiate flying out or back alone, regardless of the assistance either end she would still have to wait at the airport after check in, make her way to the gate, get on the plane, sit next to a stranger, go through passport control, get her suitcase at the other end, find her way to whoever is collecting her.....hell would freeze over and she'd stay home rather than do all of that alone it would panic her so much.

I wonder if this is your problem? If flights are cheap enough, could she come for the first week and then your DH accompany her home then come straight back?

Could you suggest a shorter holiday at another time
Centre parcs for a weekend or similar & take her there
But say the apartment is no longer available for the two weeks ?

I came across this by accident as I have a similar issue.
My MIL is also very 'nice' but extremely hard work too. She's just so overly dependent on her children it's suffocating. She has 3 of them but we live the closest so get the constant unannounced visits and hysterical phone calls every time something happens. She has a husband, but he's incredibly selfish and lazy and ignores her. So I guess she seeks affection from her kids, which I do understand. It's just that I was brought up to be independent and struggle with the regular intrusion into our privacy. Strangely, considering how she is (or perhaps because of how she is?) my husband is also very independent and gets really annoyed with his mum sometimes. (He's genuinely a very thoughtful and loving person most of the time) He'll even refuse to open the door to her sometimes, which I must admit I struggle with because it feels rude. I don't mind the occasional visit, but prefer them to be planned so I'm not in my scruffy 'house cleaning' clothes - which she often catches me in then makes comments about.

Anyway, we made the mistake a few years ago if going on holiday with her a few years ago (she'd been nagging is for ages as she wanted to show us her holiday home) and frankly it was a nightmare. She wouldn't leave us alone. We literally took to hiding in our room like teenagers, just to have 5 minutes peace together. So then she'd call to us to come out (again, like we were naughty children). It made the week so stressful that we went back to work feeling worse than if we'd never had the holiday. We both agreed never again!
Anyway, she still drops hints now and again that she'd like us to go again. So we constantly have to change the subject. I hate the deceit but it feels kinder than telling her the truth. We do still lover her after all!

Basically, I don't feel the OP is being unreasonable and I feel bad for her that some people made out she was selfish about this 'poor woman'. The reality is that we can care about our MILs, but it doesn't mean we have to be fully responsible for them at cost to ourselves. This holiday was obviously meant a lot to the OP, so she was being kind by involving her MIL for half of the holiday. But to have all of the time hijacked pushes it.
Anyway, I know this is an old post. So I hope things worked out for the OP. I just wanted to say I understand about finding even nice MILs difficult. Plus it helped me put my own in perspective and think about her from a more sympathetic viewpoint.