AIBU to not want mother-in-law on holiday with us for two weeks?

[Floraclare]

I'm feeling like the most horrible woman in the world at the moment :(. My parents have an apartment in Spain and we were hoping that we would go out to visit them in June of this year, for two weeks. They would find us another apartment on the same complex, which means we have our own space - and my parents are very relaxed and have lots of friends out there, so we have lots of time to do our own thing and they can probably do a little bit of babysitting and we might actually have a couple of nights out on our own, which is a real treat these days.

My husband mentioned that he would like to ask his mother out for a week. She's had a difficult couple of years as she lost her husband and then had breast cancer. She's a lovely woman, but really really hard work - it's hard to explain why she is such hard work, but she is overly polite and proper and incredibly twee and difficult to have a good conversation with, as repeats the last few words of every sentence you say (which sounds horribly petty). I said to definitely invite her out for a week and I would see if my parents could find another apartment. Husband has just come back to say that he has spoken to her and she wants to come for the full two weeks - and I feel like I could cry.

Husband says (althought not sure if I totally believe him), that he asked her to come for a week - but that she has got back to him to say that she wants to come for two. Two weeks of having mother-in-law on our holiday, just wouldn't feel like a holiday - as would mean two weeks of having to be super polite, worrying that she was OK and I just wouldn't feel like I could ever completely relax - and would really reduce the amount of time we would have on our own.

I feel like such a horrible person for feeling like this, but really want to ask husband to tactfully suggest that a week would be better

[rookiemere]

Yes OP has only got in this situation because she agreed to MIL coming for one week. Bet she regrets that now, talk about no good deed going unpunished.

What happens next year? Will OP also be expected to spend her holiday with MIL then as well?

[IsItMeOr]

Wow, there are some real saints on this thread...

OP, if you are still reading, I think that you are kind to include your MIL in your holiday plans.

Do your best to have a relaxed but entirely open conversation with your DH about this - and be prepared to check out how he feels about spending time with your parents on holiday too.

A holiday is about everybody in your family, not just meeting MIL's needs with no regards to anybody else's.

[CPtart]

I would be wary of setting a precedent here. MIL needs to start carving out a life of her own. Has she no friends to holiday with? A few days with you would be nice and a gracious thing, to do but two weeks, no.

[Floraclare]

Thanks for the replies, it is interesting to read the different opinions - and I do sway between them.

I definitely understand that my mother-in-law has had an awful couple of years. We see her regularly and have stayed with her frequently - and she is very much involved with our lives and our son's life. She sees either my husband or his sister most weekends. I've previously suggested to my husband that she might like to come on holiday - and I was more than happy for her to come for a week. She is hard work though - and two weeks with someone you find hard work is a long time. This isn't because she is some second class citizen, but because she genuinely is quite hard work - although I feel very guilty for thinking this.

[ZenNudist]

Yanbu. If she won't come for a week can you explain to her that you will be spending time just as a 4 and she won't be able to join in all the time?

The only way to get on on extended family holidays is for everyone to be able to do their own thing.

Explain that if she comes you will do some things with her but not all the time. Just like you will so some things with your parents but not all the time. So in a 2 week period you will be doing things in the following groups:

You and dh ( with gps babysitting)
You and dh plus dc only
You and dh plus dc and your parents
You and dh plus dc and MIL
Everyone (1-3 times)

Ask if she will be comfortable being left alone. If she agrees to the set up then as long as she has her own apartment you're good to go.

If not suggest she either bring a friend or only come out for a week. It might be that she will do a bit more babysitting so you and dh get more time alone.

I think the key to your problem was you saying "I will feel obliged to take her out with us". That's on you . You need to say what you will and won't do and claim what bits of your holiday are your own.

If in the holiday she starts expecting to spend all the time with you just go out. "Right we're off to the beach", get in car and go, not somewhere she can follow.

If it were me I'd be glad to have time chilling by the pool and grateful for family to travel with.

[KiaOraOAotearoa]

OP, I adore my MIL. She's lovely.
Like yours, she's had a hard couple of years and the previously independent adventurous woman came back from her last holiday in pretty low spirits.
So in my wisdom, I offer to invite her on holiday with us last year. I mean, she likes art galleries, good food, spoiling us, we see her 3-4 times a week anyway.
Jeesus wept. I could have chosen to sleep rough under a bridge whilst eating sea shells than spend another minute with the woman. Hard work doesn't begin to describe it. What made it worse was that my DH was absolutely bending himself over to acommodate....not even them knew what! Everything was a massive, but I mean massive palaver.
And you'd think an 'informal setting' would open the communication more, be more relaxed ( we were on holiday ffs!!!). Nah! She 'expressed dismay at the informality to which I have set the breakfast table'. We were on a friggin farm in the middle of friggin Yorkshire, not the ritz. And I put the box of cereals on the table. I don't even eat cereals, I have continental breakfast! The cereals were for her. Bought by me.
She's not normally like that. Or maybe she is and it's only taken me 20 years to realise. Or maybe she thought I was the tour operator/butler.
Never again.
So. You will go with your mIl. For 2 weeks. Do yourself a favour a book a 3rd one off, without her. You'll need it.

[IsItMeOr]

Flora my DMIL is lovely, we can chat away happily for hours.

That does not mean that I want to spend my nuclear family holidays with her.

It is perfectly okay for you to want to have some holiday time for your own nuclear family. Just find a way to achieve that which works for all of you.

[rookiemere]

I just can't see that agreeing parameters in advance would be of any use zennudist.

We already know that OP and her DH do not appear to be on the same page with this, so is he really likely to allow his DM to be on her own for periods of time ? We also know that DH and his DM do not appear to be great at direct communication, so as far as I can see the most likely net result of DMIL coming for two weeks is that OP will fall out with her DH.

As OP has said MIL gets plenty of time with them and their DS. Why shouldn't the OP's parents get to spend some time with their DGC without MIL being present?

OP do not feel guilty. You have done a nice thing, you have extended a holiday invite for a week to your MIL. Don't be guilted into making it a fortnight. It's not what you want and it's not fair to your parents.

[rookiemere]

Oh and looking at it from another perspective.

My parents are elderly and my DM doesn't travel any more. We went to France last year and considered extending the invite to my DF as he expresses regret about not being able to travel any more. We gave it due consideration and then after one of their visits for Sunday lunch decided not to as a holiday with him would not have been a holiday for us. We've also been away with them before so we know what it would be like.

Yes a little bit of my version of myself as a warm and giving person died at that moment ( but not much as I'm quite self aware) , but you know what, we work hard, DS is never going to be the age he is again.

A week is a week, it's not nothing, its 50% of your holidays. It seems odd that someone would be offered something and then go, nah, you know what, I'm not going unless I can do it for twice as long as the invite.

[fluffyraggies]

Personally i don't think YABU. A week away with your grown son and DIL is a lovely thing, leaving them then to a week alone.

After the call, when you told your DH about being happier if it was only one week what did he say?

You said ''He would be really reluctant to go back to her and say only one week, unless I really push the issue, which makes me feel very mean''.

I can understand this, but can you ask him straight what happened on the phone? Did he say one week but she asked for two, or did he say 'holiday' and she just said said 'yes'? The answer to this question will help you help him form a nice way to let her down to just one week.

From your description of the lady it sounds like it was a misunderstanding on the phone, and she didn't ask for more than was offered but said yes to coming with you before your DH could be clear about the time-frame. I agree that simply saying the apartment is not available for the second week is the easiest way forward in any case tbh.

[Floraclare]

I think I would also feel quite mean if we were to give her a load of rules about our plans, or how we would also like some time to do our own thing. This is why a week felt ideal - I would be happy with a week of taking her out and showing her around, but it would also be nice to have a week where we could do what we liked. It's fairly quiet and you need a car to get to the beach or to the shops in the village and she would be very much reliant on our company. It would be lovely if she had a friend she could invite, but I can't think of anyone she would like to invite, she has good neighbours, but is very famiy focused. She would also be staying in a fairly small one bedroom apartment.

[Mintyy]

My parents expressed VERY strong interest (as in asked openly) about us all having a joint holiday when the dc were little.

I didn't even consider it for a second . I could rub along with them ok for a day or two, but that was my limit.

My ddad is dead now and I don't regret it for a minute.

Not all families live in each other's pockets and there is nothing wrong with that!

[Notnaice]

Could she invite a friend as suggested previously?

[Cobain]

I do think your husband has asked her for two weeks or your dmil had concerns about travelling alone and he suggested the two instead.

[QTPie]

OP - sorry haven't read your thread completely - but, does your MIL have any good friends that she could take? Her and her friend/s could share and apartment and you could meet up every now and again (so she isn't holidaying in your pocket?)?

I know how you feel. Actually holidaying with the in-laws is fine (they are very self-sufficient and we meet up when suits us all - quite often they do their thing, we do our thing - and they happily babysit whenever). However I know if I holidays with my mum, she would want to do everything "together" - which I wouldn't be comfortable with (love her, but...).

[rookiemere]

Exactly floraclare - it would be far less hospitable in my mind to let her come for two weeks and then place lots of constrictions around when she could and couldn't see you, than to make her feel truly welcome for half the time.

What age is your MIL? Is the travelling a practical concern for her? If so you might be as well suggesting that she comes for the second week. Not so optimum for yourselves, but that way she just needs to get over, your DH will presumably meet her at the airport and you'll both be there to help her travel home, which is often more stressful than the journey out for some reason.

[QTPie]

Oops, see the cross-post...

Er, I just don't know. I do think that you need to talk this through with your DH, very honestly.

Does your DMIL get on well with your DParents? Could they entertain/taxi her? I do feel your pain: as I said before, my mum would be the same, but we have avoided this situation. She has been on holiday with a number of her friends since my Dad died (11 years ago) and has always had a massive fallout with them whilst away and come back not talking to them! (with the exception of one cousin - I think she is still talking to). Obviously it is always their fault and not hers... But I just know that going on holiday with her wouldn't work out well...

[Postchildrenpregranny]

My MIL and DM were widowed within six months of each other .We took MIL on holiday with us to Cornwall, in a holiday cottage, for two weeks the following year(partly to scatter FIL ashes in a place beloved to all of us) and my M for a similar two weeks the following year . Our DDs were 4/5 and 8/9 at the time. PsIL lived locally but it was still a good opportunity to bond with grandmother and the more so with my DM as they/she lived 120 away. I worked ft at the time (my DH was ASAH dad) and I would not necessarily have chosen to holiday this way . But it worked out fine- the walking pace /stamina of a grandma and a five year old proved about the same. And DH and I did at least get a couple of evenings out on our own, as they happily baby-sat. My MIL and my relationship was cordial enough and I just had to let any irritation pass me by . My DH had a much better relationship with my Ps than his own anyway...
Both mums very much enjoyed/appreciated the break, not being brave enough to holiday alone in early widow-hood . As long as you make it clear that this is not something you are going to do every year, I think you should indeed suck it up and have her along for the fortnight-but in a separate apartment , with possibly a friend for company and on the understanding you won't spend every waking moment together . In future you may be very glad you were so generous. You may be a MIL yourself one day .

[Floraclare]

Thanks for replies - MIL is 70 and fairly fit and well, although has some knee pain, which makes it hard for her to walk long distances very fast. Most places near where we are staying are a fairly long walk or short drive, which would make her quite dependent on us for transport.

My parents think she is a lovely lady, but very very hard work. My parents are a similar age, but seem 20 years younger in outlook and interests

[rookiemere]

Do you know, on reflection I'd go for the stealth approach that some posters have suggested and get your parents to advise that the appartment is only available for a week - is it even available at all - have they checked ?

[WillBeatJanuaryBlues]

not read thread and I totally understand why you would rather she wasn't there at all!

However, as the issue is sort of down to her...its not your responsibility nor problem to be taking care of her....


I am also sure she has been away before and would be perfectly happy being left to it..probably prefer it!!


I would say to DH fine - but she is your responsibility, your problem any issues are yours, she is your mother.

dont step in for him....so silly how mothers and sons seem so stupid and unable to communicate etc...she has brought him up, leave her and him to it...

[WillBeatJanuaryBlues]

I feel sorry for her, let her come, you cant really do anything else now, just make it utterly clear to dh she is his problem.

[WillBeatJanuaryBlues]

although I feel very guilty for thinking this

dont feel guilty you cant help it....she sounds hard work.

[WillBeatJanuaryBlues]

Op dont take what a certain poster says to heart she is a known DIL hater...on all threads....

[SconeRhymesWithGone]

Lying about the apartment availability is not a good idea. It might be something she could easily find out is not true.