AIBU to not want mother-in-law on holiday with us for two weeks?

[Floraclare]

I'm feeling like the most horrible woman in the world at the moment :(. My parents have an apartment in Spain and we were hoping that we would go out to visit them in June of this year, for two weeks. They would find us another apartment on the same complex, which means we have our own space - and my parents are very relaxed and have lots of friends out there, so we have lots of time to do our own thing and they can probably do a little bit of babysitting and we might actually have a couple of nights out on our own, which is a real treat these days.

My husband mentioned that he would like to ask his mother out for a week. She's had a difficult couple of years as she lost her husband and then had breast cancer. She's a lovely woman, but really really hard work - it's hard to explain why she is such hard work, but she is overly polite and proper and incredibly twee and difficult to have a good conversation with, as repeats the last few words of every sentence you say (which sounds horribly petty). I said to definitely invite her out for a week and I would see if my parents could find another apartment. Husband has just come back to say that he has spoken to her and she wants to come for the full two weeks - and I feel like I could cry.

Husband says (althought not sure if I totally believe him), that he asked her to come for a week - but that she has got back to him to say that she wants to come for two. Two weeks of having mother-in-law on our holiday, just wouldn't feel like a holiday - as would mean two weeks of having to be super polite, worrying that she was OK and I just wouldn't feel like I could ever completely relax - and would really reduce the amount of time we would have on our own.

I feel like such a horrible person for feeling like this, but really want to ask husband to tactfully suggest that a week would be better

I think YABU. Either no parents at all or all parents seems fair to me.

it could be explained by saying that you want to spend a bit of time with your parents as they are away and you don't see them often.

This is key for me. If your parents live abroad, this is time for you to catch up with them and for them to get some exclusive grandparenting time too. If your MIL is there, the children have both sets (although I get she is recently widowed) present. Given that you live near to your MIL and see her regularly, you are just ensuring your parents get a chance to build a relationship with their grandchildren.

Personally, we have given up on trying to holiday with relatives. My ILs are very easy going, but I still feel like I can't relax properly when we are all under one roof. My family are really hard work and ruined the last holiday we extended to them. We were exhausted - demanding full time work and toddler + baby, desperate for a chance to chill out and take it easy. They were very demanding and complained constantly about the mess the children created and wanted us to fit around their routine, which meant I spent the whole time tidying behind the children and e.g. DS2 falling asleep in his lunch one day (which proved our point). We went back to work after our week off feeling ten times worse. Never again.

My last paragraph was a long way round of saying that holiday time as a (nuclear) family is really precious and being too much of a good citizen can get in the way of that. You have needs too. Perhaps arrange a separate holiday with your MIL and disentangle the whole thing.

I would talk to your parents, OP and see what you can do together to make sure everyone has a nice time. Is it the sort of complex where the children could go on their own to visit Grandma sometimes? Could your parents include her in their plans? Plan some days out just you two and your children as well. Oh, and have some time on your own while your DP and the children entertain his mother.

I thought at the start that you meant she would be sharing your apartment for 2 weeks and agreed that this would be difficult .But now I realise she will be having her own apartment and therefore there should be plenty of time when you can all do your own thing.More difficult if everyone is around once the first child wakes up in the morning.

I second the idea of agreeing to the 2 weeks.Tell her your own itinerary from the outset -how many days you intend spending with your parents/sightseeing/activities/pool days etc and ask if she wants to bring a friend to help her enjoy her stay too. Point out the places of interest she can go to with this friend.

She might be slightly annoying to talk to ( my cousin has the ame end of sentence habit) but she is still DHs Mum and as you say a nice woman .Surely she deserves to be treated as an equal rather than an encumbrance.

Can you have a frank discussion with her, to manage her expectations?

We've been away with my PIL and it's difficult as they're expectations of what the holiday is going to be like and what's going to happen are very different to ours, some days we like to potter, decide what we're doing as we go along etc. because we have busy lives normally. PIL are retired so having a lie in and a leisurely morning aren't necessarily their idea of what you do on holiday, for example.

She needs to know in advance that you won't be "entertaining" her 24/7.

That said, after the last holiday with my PIL even DH said never again.

We wouldn't take my mother on holiday with us either so at least we're being consistent.

Sorry, I'm reading it just like Hakluyt

OP, YABU. She's bereaved and recovering from cancer... I don't get on famously with my IL's but I make an effort.

I think some posters (not necessarily you OP) forget that they will probably be a MIL in the future.

Rookiemere Or that OP might think about how she'd feel if she were widowed and her dil didn't want her on holiday with her son and gc. Especially after a 'rough' two years, involving losing her husband and breast cancer.

Oh I get that I will be a MIL, and I will take my cue from my own MIL who is lovely and very respectful. She wouldn't dream of commandeering precious holiday time away from my family.

She refuses to stay at her children's houses if that would mean that her GC are moved out of their bedrooms.

In fact I respect and like my MIL so much that SHE was the person I asked to stay with us to help us out when I had my DC. (She flatly refused when DH asked her because it was up to ME as the person giving birth, to decide who I wanted to have around me at the time, not him.) Wouldn't have had my own mother stay for all the tea in China.

OP is showing a huge lack of empathy as are some posters. The poor MiL has had a horrendous time and a holiday would be something for her to look forward to.

And OP doesn't want her there because she's "irritating". Very sad.

haklyut I did put up with her for the week. Can I not have the opinion it's awful and not a holiday by any stretch of imagination. If I am mean I wouldn't have agreed would I? If I'm mean I wouldn't have felt obliged to include the poor woman every day would I. (Like the OP said. If a newly widowed person came with you on a holiday you can't feel anything but include her instead of leaving her to feel lonely). I'm glad it's only centre parcs and not Spain. If I had paid all that money to go to Spain I would be very unhappy to not have a family holiday at all. The OP did come up with the compromise of 1 week didn't she?

And it's not us who made her go to centre parcs. She asked to come and we felt too polite to refuse.

FWIW MIL is now living in our spare room and DH sleeping in the living room on an air mattress because our 4mo is keeping him awake all night. So haklyut stop being so judgemental and think we are all mean to our MIL before understanding other peoples situation. I feel I have done more than my duty as a DIL to let her stay here.

OP is compromising for a week. Can we not have our own opinions that we don't like it? Should we just shut up and say it's something we wished all our life's? To travel with our MILs?

Thymeout - but the OP has not said she does not want her on holiday. She has invited her to come for one week, which is a nice thing to do.

I like dustbunnyfarmers post. OP's parents also want to build up ties with their GCs and MIL coming for one week only facilitates that.

i really get where you are coming from

my dm is widowed, but i would not invite her on holiday with us for 2 weeks. the last time we did so, i felt under constant pressure to keep her happy- this was nothing to do with her- she is lovely. but i need my 2 weeks a year to switch off, not feel responsible for more people.

This thread is really sad, poor MIL, fucking widowed and cancer and can't have a holiday with her DS :(

But a holiday is not the only possible tonic for MiL. Potentially a better tonic would be for OP & DH to resolve to see MiL regularly but in smaller doses. That way the time can be enjoyed by all concerned with better grace than a holiday which will be endured through gritted teeth.

Holidays are stressful enough without taking someone you have to be on best behaviour with.

Lucille the mil is going to have a holiday with her ds

This is why I dread being a MIL, most DIL seem to see them as second class citizens rather than their husbands mum.

I feel for her and your DH. He gets no choice but to spend two weeks with his MIL yet you won't do the same for him. Maybe you should go and visit your parents and they should go elsewhere together.

I think it's v likely that someone with breast cancer is nervous about travelling on her own. That's why she asked for the second week, or assumed she'd be invited for the whole time. I expect OP's husband didn't make it clear in the invitation because he felt bad about saying 'only one week'. And it was his idea to invite her, not OP's.

Unless MIL is incredibly self centred and thick skinned, I'm sure she'll understand; "we don't see my parents very often, so we'd really like some alone time with them." Are you even sure she wants to be with you every second of the 2 weeks? Maybe she likes the thought of lounging by the pool with a good book and a cocktail and has no intention of forcing herself into your private family time.

That's an exaggeration now isn't it Lucille?

Mil has been generously invited to go on a week-long holiday with her ds and his dw.

I'm afraid she has put a spanner in the works and it really is stretching it a bit to write this all off as "Mil bashing".

Bloody hell OP, how dare you only invite her to Spain for a week! I think this is one of the most vile posts I've ever read on mn.

Or, you know, not. I would tell her the apartment is only available for a week, that way she gets a nice holiday with her ds and dgc's and you still get quality time the second week with dh

I don't get on with my MIL. We cordially loathe each other. I find being with her very stressful. Given the circs though, I would suck it up.

yanbu.

Asking for a week was nice, a bit cheeky of her to ask to come for two/ the entire time.

It may relieve the pressure on you if like a pp suggested, she could bring a friend.

I think your dh needs to step up and take care of his DM. I don't think adults should be expected to entertain one another. Make plans, if others want to join in = fine. Don't stress about having a different type of holiday. I'm sure you can accommodate some if your mils needs but one person shouldn't dictate the entire agenda.

If it were me, I'd stick with a week.

A lot of posters are reading things into the OP's posts. No where did she describe the MIL as "clingy." MIL may well be fine with spending some time alone on holiday. And the idea of her coming along was the OP's husband's, not the MIL. And OP says that the two weeks might well have come from the DH, too. He sees a beloved parent, bereaved and with a potentially deadly disease, and he wants to have her with him.

Also the fact that she will be in a separate apartment makes a big difference, in my opinion. And I certainly would not want to put my DH in the position of having to go back to her and say, "no, you can only come for one week," especially if the two weeks resulted from his giving the impression that the invitation was for that period, as OP suspects.