AIBU to not want mother-in-law on holiday with us for two weeks?

[Floraclare]

I'm feeling like the most horrible woman in the world at the moment :(. My parents have an apartment in Spain and we were hoping that we would go out to visit them in June of this year, for two weeks. They would find us another apartment on the same complex, which means we have our own space - and my parents are very relaxed and have lots of friends out there, so we have lots of time to do our own thing and they can probably do a little bit of babysitting and we might actually have a couple of nights out on our own, which is a real treat these days.

My husband mentioned that he would like to ask his mother out for a week. She's had a difficult couple of years as she lost her husband and then had breast cancer. She's a lovely woman, but really really hard work - it's hard to explain why she is such hard work, but she is overly polite and proper and incredibly twee and difficult to have a good conversation with, as repeats the last few words of every sentence you say (which sounds horribly petty). I said to definitely invite her out for a week and I would see if my parents could find another apartment. Husband has just come back to say that he has spoken to her and she wants to come for the full two weeks - and I feel like I could cry.

Husband says (althought not sure if I totally believe him), that he asked her to come for a week - but that she has got back to him to say that she wants to come for two. Two weeks of having mother-in-law on our holiday, just wouldn't feel like a holiday - as would mean two weeks of having to be super polite, worrying that she was OK and I just wouldn't feel like I could ever completely relax - and would really reduce the amount of time we would have on our own.

I feel like such a horrible person for feeling like this, but really want to ask husband to tactfully suggest that a week would be better

[VanitasVanitatum]

I think you actually need to take control of the way you feel in her presence.

You don't need to feel like you have to take her everywhere, she can read a book by the pool. Just tell her with a smile that you are having couple time/family time today.

You don't have to feel like you need to change your conversation, make particular conversation, etc. you're telling yourself you have to do this - you don't.

Relax, be yourself, have fun. Leave DH to make most of the conversation with her.

I do think it would be unfair of you to have him spend two weeks with your parents while excluding his mother.

[YackityUnderTheMistletoe]

Flora - this is the point at which you NEED to stop being so bloody polite!

I would feel obliged to take her out WHY????

Seriously, you are making it more awkward for yourself. Warn your DH that you will treat your MIL the same way you treat your parents, you will see some of her but that there is NO WAY in hell she will spend all day, every day with you. In fact, she may only see you for a short part of each day. If he doesn't like that, then he had better fix it and bring it back down to 1 week.

[Hakluyt]

So your husband is expected to spend two weeks with your parents- but only one with his mother who seems to have been having a shit time. Because of how you feel you have to behave around her. Right.

Awaits the torrent of "she should think herself lucky she gets a week- it's not as if she's your family" posts.

[CatsClaus]

she probably wants to come for the two weeks as she will not have to deal with her luggage.....ime this matters to older ladies

one week or two I'd make it perfectly clear that she will ahve her own space, her own time, sort out if you will all be eating together ALL the time or not , and plan a few days altogether and a few more alone.

[TwoLittleTerrors]

Don't do it and stand your ground. I had this earlier this year. FIL passed away and DH invited MIL to come to centre parcs with us. It's only midweek, but it's the worst 5 days I had in the year. Including labour for DD2. She is not independent and was always around. She is also someone I can't have any conversation with. It would be different if she did her own thing and we just meet up for lunch or something. Staying at home would be preferable

[SwedishEdith]

I can understand not wanting two weeks in holiday with your MIL but this is exactly what your husband is expected to have. And as he's so polite and a terrible communicator, he probably feels he can't tell you that. Does he find your parents' relaxedness too much, a bit loud for him maybe? If he's like his mum, he may just feel he has some back up away from your family?

[rookiemere]

Yes but hakluyt Op's parents are not expecting OP and her family to spend all their time with them and they also give OP the opportunity to go out on her own with her DH.

Yes MIL is widowed and has had a hard time - hence why OP & her DH have kindly extended the invite for her to join them for a week. Did the MIL have her PILs go on major holidays with them when she was younger, I suspect not? Also we're missing some info here, such as how far she lives from OP and how often they see her in UK, the likelihood is that if OP's parents live abroad for a sizeable part of the year she doesn't see them that often.

OP I think you need to frame this with MIL. Tell her how much you are looking forward to her joining for a week, but that you are also looking forward to relaxing with DH and your DCs?). It's all very welll explaining that if she comes for two weeks she'll need to do her own thing, but IMHO that kind of thing never works out, much better that you're really clear in advance and stress the importance of your nuclear family needing time together.

[TwoLittleTerrors]

Hakluyt it sounds like the OP parents have friends there and will do their thing. We have travelled with my parents and they just went off themselves giving us lots of our own space. My MIL otoh just wouldn't leave us alone.

[EdSheeran]

What Hakluyt said. YABU!

[pippop1]

Could she bring a friend with and have a two bed flat? That way she will have a companion. The flat might cost less shared between two.

[GnomeDePlume]

YANBU

How about your DH explaining to MiL that you are having one week visiting family (when you will tend to hang about the complex more) followed by one week of holiday when you will tend to be out and about more.

MiL is welcome to join the holiday week.

[Hakluyt]

"Don't do it and stand your ground. I had this earlier this year. FIL passed away and DH invited MIL to come to centre parcs with us. It's only midweek, but it's the worst 5 days I had in the year."

Yep, you wouldn't want to put yourself out at all to support a bereaved family member- new widows are so needy.........

[TheyLearnedFromBrian]

Appreciating what Hakluyt said, the other option is that you say ok, but making it CLEAR to your H that the reason you want one week isn't because you specifically don't want her there for two, but because you don't want anybody there on your holiday for the whole time, with you - you want time alone, to recharge, to have child-free time. Ok, your parents are there, but they are relaxed, have friends there and the plan is that you will be spending time alone, not with them - certainly not being responsible for entertaining and looking after them. On the contrary, they will hopefully have the children for a bit so that you can spend time alone together.

So - MIL is more than welcome to come for two weeks if she's happy to accept that for a week of that, you're planning on having private time - a let-your-hair-down couple holiday as much as you can - just like your parents will accept that. Will she?

Put it like that and say that you aren't willing to lose your recharging time, and you thought that it would be nicer, cheaper and more fun for MIL to be there for a week, with your full and happy attention as you know you're going to get private time later, than be there for two but hanging out alone a lot of the time as you intend to spend time alone, with her feeling like a spare part and you feeling half resentful and half upset that she's not being accommodated.

[YackityUnderTheMistletoe]

Bloody hell Hakluyt - you really are brilliant at twisting what people say and making it sound worse than it is.

[bakingaddict]

I think if your MIL has had a shit year then it would be nice to include her in this holiday. Sometimes we have to do things for others even if it means a little discomfort to ourselves. I'm not being nasty but it's not exactly a proper family holiday, it's 2 weeks at your parents place which would be available to you year-on-year.

It's not like your DH has invited your MIL on a once in a lifetime holiday to Disneyworld or the Seychelles and perhaps this is why he has invited her because he doesn't see it as his proper family holiday either so inclusion of MIL is OK We often go to visit my parents and we usually stay in a hotel but to both myself and DH it is never a holiday in it's typical sense.

[simbacatlivesgain]

Don't do it and stand your ground. I had this earlier this year. FIL passed away and DH invited MIL to come to centre parcs with us. It's only midweek, but it's the worst 5 days I had in the year.

She is not independent and was always around.


Yes because centre parcs markets itself at the single older woman and there is so much to do if you are alone because your family who invited you want to be alone. You sound like a lovely caring person.

[simbacatlivesgain]

Bloody hell Hakluyt - you really are brilliant at twisting what people say and making it sound worse than it is.

You think the poster she was replying to was reasonable? Hakluyt was being honest- the original poster was above precious

[Floraclare]

That's exact why I was asking if I was being unreasonable Hakluyt - and part of me feels like I should just suck it up as she has had a horrible couple of years - and I feel very guilty about finding her such hard work. We do see her fairly frequently though, it's just two weeks wouldn't feel like a holiday

[Hakluyt]

Not actually sure how I could have made it sound worse than it was- it was beyond awful to start with.

[WooWooOwl]

YABU.

She's going to be having her own apartment, so while it might take a bit of effort, you will be able to engineer time on your own, and it's not as if she is invading a couples holiday, your parents are going to be around too.

Not so long ago I'd have probably felt differently, but now I'm a widow like your mil, I feel differently. Two years is no time at all, especially if she's been battling cancer for some of that time. You can't even begin to imagine how hard living without her husband probably is for her, and it's a little ironic that you're there wanting time alone with your husband on holiday when that poor woman is never going to see hers again.

If you feel like you're being mean, then it's because you are being mean. Have some compassion and let her come. The little bit of kindness you could choose to extend to her could go a very long way.

[YackityUnderTheMistletoe]

No, actually, they weren't. There are a hell of a lot of ways that they could have been supportive to a recently bereaved MIL instead of just on a holiday.

You can have her come and stay with or near you at your HOME, and involve her a bit more in the children's lives, you can arrange visits to her area, and help her there.

If holidays are few and far between, and you have all had a stressful time (bearing in mind that her DH had just lost a father and her children had lost a grandfather) then relaxation and recharge time can be very precious.

Inviting recently bereaved MIL to a CentreParcs holiday was probably one of the WORST ways of being 'supportive'.

[aprilanne]

as long as she is not in the same apartment .i can,t see the problem you want your hubby to be happy to put up with going to your parents for 2 weeks .but you don,t want his mum .sorry but that is selfish of course you find your parents more relaxed /better .they are your parent,s .imagine if the shoe on the other foot and your mother a widow .had cancer would you so no to her .come on be honest .

[rookiemere]

So there we go, OP sees MIL fairly frequently, and presumably her parents less so.

I don't think OP is being mean - she has invited MIL on holiday, which is a nice thing to do. MIL is being a bit pushy by trying to extend the invite.

Yes it is very sad that MIL is a widow, but I'm not sure why that means that OP has less right to spend some time on her own with her DH. Surely if anything it means that they should cherish their relationship together.

[SwedishEdith]

We don't really know of MIL was "pushy". OP's husband might have suggested the two weeks? I think the holiday might make her feel worse, though. Seeing the OP's parents might make her feel more lonely. Good idea from pp to see if she can bring a friend.

[whattheseithakasmean]

YANBU, I think a week is plenty - probably more than enough.

Yes, the OP will be with her parents for 2 weeks, because they are visiting them abroad - they presumably don't get to see them as often.

Plus OP makes it clear her parents are independent and will leave them alone but MIL is clingy. The way I read it, MIL has a needy and annoying personality. She has had a rough couple of years, but that is not the reason for her irritating ways, she just is irritating.

One week will enable you to bend over backwards to be lovely to her, knowing you will get a break. I suspect 2 weeks could end in tears.