AIBU to not want mother-in-law on holiday with us for two weeks?

[Floraclare]

I'm feeling like the most horrible woman in the world at the moment :(. My parents have an apartment in Spain and we were hoping that we would go out to visit them in June of this year, for two weeks. They would find us another apartment on the same complex, which means we have our own space - and my parents are very relaxed and have lots of friends out there, so we have lots of time to do our own thing and they can probably do a little bit of babysitting and we might actually have a couple of nights out on our own, which is a real treat these days.

My husband mentioned that he would like to ask his mother out for a week. She's had a difficult couple of years as she lost her husband and then had breast cancer. She's a lovely woman, but really really hard work - it's hard to explain why she is such hard work, but she is overly polite and proper and incredibly twee and difficult to have a good conversation with, as repeats the last few words of every sentence you say (which sounds horribly petty). I said to definitely invite her out for a week and I would see if my parents could find another apartment. Husband has just come back to say that he has spoken to her and she wants to come for the full two weeks - and I feel like I could cry.

Husband says (althought not sure if I totally believe him), that he asked her to come for a week - but that she has got back to him to say that she wants to come for two. Two weeks of having mother-in-law on our holiday, just wouldn't feel like a holiday - as would mean two weeks of having to be super polite, worrying that she was OK and I just wouldn't feel like I could ever completely relax - and would really reduce the amount of time we would have on our own.

I feel like such a horrible person for feeling like this, but really want to ask husband to tactfully suggest that a week would be better

Its not fair on anyone if everyone is having a crap time and you have paid out a wad of cash for the experience!

And the only chance you get a break in an otherwise busy working/school year - it is particularly precious down time with your children.

jesus flora, if the worst she does is suggest a thermal vest cos you look cold then you've reinforced my opinion of being the MIL

can I ask, do you have any children yet? specifically boys....

Haven't RTFT yet but I'm going on holiday abroad with my DH, DS and FIL in two weeks and I'm feeling very apprehensive. When I initially agreed to FIL coming (we booked 6m ago) I didn't foresee any problems but now that the holiday is drawing nearer I'm not sure that it was a good idea.

I'm going to go and read the thread now to see if there are any tips on how to survive

I think this MIL is fortunate in that she has a loving son and an affectionate and accommodating DIL. It's the particular situation that is difficult. And the OP is concerned about how to handle the situation in a way that is kind to her MIL. She has shown no animus toward her MIL, unlike some of the other posters.

The OP has children, ssd. See her original post.

OP sounds like a dream dil and considerate person.

If I could afford it I would go for one week with mil and 10 days just with your family later in the year.

I would NEVER go on holiday with my DPS. They age 20 years, expect to be waited on hand and foot and hate anything out of the ordinary (like local food, not eating at 5pm on the dot, the noise of DC playing, the sun).

I have one adopted son thanks ssd and have no expectations that he will be caring for me into my old age - and MIL also has a daughter and will also be holidaying with her and her two children in the summer.

Try looking through a catalogue of thermal vests for an hour, it is harder than it looks - and continually having to politely decline ordering long johns to wear under your work clothes. She is lovely and very sweet, but also very hard work, which is why a one-week holiday with her felt better

Have you spoken to your husband about this yet, OP? Sounds like you would really, really like her to only be there for the one week.

Horrible thread.

If I were your DH, I would turn round and say well in that case I don't want to spend 2 weeks in your parents' company either.

You don't have to spend every waking moment with her. How about a bit family spirit and compassion?

Some people really are able to twist awful intentions out of nice ones - regular contact at home and a week's holiday is a lovely compromise for your Mil rather than feeling obliged to take her for the full holiday. There aren't many people who enjoy holidaying with extended family, it really does change dynamics and is nowhere near as relaxing as going with only nuclear family. People as talking as if the op is going nc with her poor mil rather than compromising her own family holiday to include her. She has also explained that there is no expectations of her dh spending a full holiday with his pils due to their very different expectations and behaviour compared to mil. There is no preferential treatment just different dynamics and arrangements!

What would happen if you just said no to the thermal underwear catalog? There are no circumstances on earth in which I can imagine accommodating someone else's wish for me to look at thermal underwear for five minutes, let alone an hour.

There is no way on this earth I would be holidaying with family members for two weeks,- and that's coming from someone who gets on very well with my pil's.
I am usually the one encouraging my DH to phone his mum and keep in contact more. His sisters are much more likely to do that sort of stuff.
I'm glad I have a daughter.

SconeRhymesWithGone - It kept up conversation for a good while, so I was mostly happy for that.

I think most people find other people's relatives harder work than their own. My inlaws are very nice but holidays with them aren't the same as being just our nuclearish family. I suggested inviting my dad on a holiday this year and my husband wasn't keen so I'll go down and visit him instead or as I get more holiday than my husband just go away with my dad at some other time. I think it's hard to argue against having MIL here as you are already having an extended family holiday.
You could put your foot down and just leave the oldies behind some of the time and do your own thing.

I think if my lovely mil ever showed me a catalogue of thermal vests I would be going NC with her OP, you have the patience of a saint..

Well, I have a low tolerance for boredom, but a pretty high tolerance for multi-generational extended family holidays.

Then again I have gone on a holiday that included DH's ex, but that's a story for another day.

"If I were your DH, I would turn round and say well in that case I don't want to spend 2 weeks in your parents' company either. "

hey, you know what, maybe he should.

Maybe he should give up his two weeks in the sun to holiday with his mum instead of trying to to bring her into Ops time with her parents.

I'm with Hakluyt. I get that 2 weeks with your MIL would be hard work and will take the lustre off you holiday but I think you should suck it up. She has had breast cancer and lost her husband fgs! You can have many more family holidays just you, your dh and dc in the future....

Nope, definitely not two weeks OP. I would be really struggling with anything more than three or four days.
Don't feel at all guilty..

I'd be happy enough for husband to holiday with her, for us all to see her more & have more days out, weekends away.

but a full two weeks?

no way!

So OP sees her own family far less than she sees MIL, but she is a bitch for wanting to actually get to spend time with them instead of ferrying about someone who is incapable of entertaining herself. Have I got that right?

Come on. MIL has obviously had a hard time these last couple of years, but she has loads of support, she hasn't been abandoned. She might even find herself being a bit bored after a week, especially if she doesn't have a friend to take with her.

I'm reminded of the holiday my DGM came on when I was little. Talk about a misery guts! We adored her, she was normally lovely, but Christ she was a pain on that holiday. It was too hot, there was too much sand on the beach, the food was 'foreign' no shit Sherlock. Incredibly she was very well travelled and had practically circumnavigated the globe in her younger days. My DM loved her mum to bits, but even she said "never again" to going away with her.

Holidaying with wider adult family does have the effect of seeming to really exaggerate any annoying traits in anyone and/or their differences in terms of like and dislikes. What constitutes fun and what does not.

I still think the OP is being perfectly supportive, happy to share half of her holiday with her MIL. It's not quite the same dynamic for the DH, as OPs parents are 'self contained'. They are there anyway, it's their holiday home. They'll have their own things to do which don't revolve around the young couple. The MIL however will be part of OPs party and naturally will look to her son and OP for company each day.

If in the future i am invited away with any of my DCs and their partners, i really hope that they will be honest and upfront about how long i am welcome and how much of me they will want. I cant think of anything worse, (sorry OP) than folk bickering over how much time NOT to spend with me. DH needs to just let MIL know that a week is what's on offer and that that is what you'll BOTH be genuinely happy to have her there for. Because that is the truth. It's kind to have her on hols with you, and she deserves honesty.

I would probably suck it up because she's had a dreadful time, she has her own space when she's there, and might enjoy a break. She will be able to drop in and out, relax with or without you all and see you all in holiday mode. She doesn't sound actively awful, and tbh everyone is different and just because she doesn't have a personality type that fits you and your parents, she will manage. Let her. And you be kind :) and arrange your days, and set an example to your dc on how to manage family.

Will you get another hols? It won't become the norm- if you don't let it- but you might like it. And it's a family memory for all, even your dc.

She might love it, make other friends and end up living there:)

Here's a radical idea, why don't you find out why MIL requested the 2 weeks instead of 1 week holiday? It might be something simple like her not wanting to travel alone and you can resolve that issue by reassuring her and getting her special assistance at the airport.

'You'll have plenty more holidays with just your family..' or maybe not, since after coming on the whole holiday one year, MIL may not see why she shouldn't do the same every year. And once it's happened once, husband will be even more reluctant to say anything against it and OP will be expected to do the whole two weeks each year. I would peg it to one week only now.