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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Examples of weirdness from inlaws.

356 replies

lovelydoggies · 17/01/2015 23:56

Not sure if I'm posting in the right section but I'm talking about weird, unreasonable or plain bonkers behaviour from Mils, Fils, Sils....the lot.
I could write a book about mine, I don't know where to start.
One example comes to mind of Mil....she totally refused to spell any of my children's names right. When I used to tell her all she would say was "does it really matter"Shock.....
I mean what do you say to that. Confused

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 20/01/2015 12:59

"Also, if the persons being criticised here do have MH problems then it is their responsibility to go to the doctor and get help"

Yeah, right. Hmm

Hakluyt · 20/01/2015 13:01

"The few people I know who have suffered anxiety and depression are the nicest gentlest souls around."

Really? Well, some are, obviously. Some aren't. Just like people who don't have mental health issues.......!

Momagain1 · 20/01/2015 13:03

Maybe the MILs on MN need to start a thread about the weird things their DILs do.

That's why they invented Gransnet, dear.

(I have no DIL, only a SIL so far and he is LOVELY. The weirdest thing he ever does is be too considerate.)

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 20/01/2015 13:07

Hakluyt, you are entitled to your opinion, however I don't understand what point you're trying to make really. One minute you berate people who pass on stories from just a bit strange, up to nasty behaviour as if most of these people can't be held accountable. Then you say people with or without MH are the same.

Oh and it is an adult's responsibility to get help if its affecting both their own lives and others around them. No need to eye roll.

Floisme · 20/01/2015 13:09

Living with with mental health problems is very hard and we all need to vent sometimes but the poster Hakluyt was referring to (I think?) stated that her mother in law had been 'committed to a psychiatric ward for weeks' but was (in her opinion) just pretending. How I laughed.
And how predictable to trot out the 'moral righteousness' line whenever someone objects.

cozietoesie · 20/01/2015 13:10

I'm still (almost) speechless about the MIL doing the naked dance - which takes the biscuit, I think . (I was going to ask for the back story on that but I've decided that that would be a mistake.)

Hakluyt · 20/01/2015 13:11

My sil stopped her children visiting their grandparents because they were asked to take their shoes off. "Only common people go barefoot".

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 20/01/2015 13:24

The number of MILs who've been less than ideal at weddings speaks volumes (I've heard this described as 'the day another woman becomes the most important woman in your son's life', which has got to sting a bit).

Yes indeed and its shows unbriddled jealousy.

The annoying thing about the whole 'a son is a son until he takes a wife' dynamic is: (1) if you don't want that, head it off early by bringing your son up to take family responsibilities seriously and to be caring (as we do with daughters); and (2) if you fail to do that, don't blame the woman your son eventually marries for the lack of contact, blame your son and yourself.

Totally agree.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 20/01/2015 13:31

I think ExH gave her quite a talking to, but despite this, he still wore the tux that she brought for him rather than his casual clothes in solidarity. Bastard.

That is a shame, if i was ex dh I would have relished very much wearing the casual clothes " oh no mum cant possibly wear tux and leave pip in casual no I will go casual too" and I would have found some cow pats to roll in too Grin

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 20/01/2015 13:32

I had this to, Fishy. My baby was prised from my arms and a camera thrust into it, so I could take the 'whole family' shot

so incredibly rude.

lovelydoggies · 20/01/2015 13:34

For all the awful Mil stories out there there obviously will be loads of horrendous Dil stories. I'm thinking of the power a mother has when she splits from her partner and uses her children as a weapon against her ex and her ex inlaws, often not allowing any contact. That must be horrendous for the grandparents and the poor children....truly nasty behaviour, but that's another thread.

OP posts:
MadeInChorley · 20/01/2015 13:47

My MIL is relatively benign and we do get on but she can be so weird - she refuses to communicate.

She'll say she's coming to visit on X day (which we agree is fine - she lives 2 hours away) and then you'll text and ask something quite ordinary such as "What time are you coming? Do you want lunch?" And get zero response. She just arrives whenever and you are supposed to wait in for her. And she usual her mobile all the time. She arrived with two friends once that she had never mentioned before. I'd bought us individual cakes for afternoon tea from a v expensive patisserie as a treat and hadn't bought enough for two randoms.

Another time she announced she'd bought a travel cot for DS1 the first time we took him to visit "so there's no need to bring your cot stuff". She'd bought the bare travel cot, but no mattress or bedding. I've learnt to ask a lot of questions

marshmallowpies · 20/01/2015 13:50

Lovelydoggies, yes I know of one ex DIL who has been horrific to her exH and his parents and the GPs have not seen their grandchildren for years, despite living in the same town. It's horribly sad.

And in the case of my exMIL, she was pretty nasty to me but saved by far the worst behaviour for how she treated her own children and husband. And as I said in an earlier post I know she had a very unhappy childhood and difficult marriage. Her only defence was to hit out at those closest to her, and she didn't have a job or wide social circle of friends so family were the only people she had to attack.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 20/01/2015 14:02

For all the awful Mil stories out there there obviously will be loads of horrendous Dil stories

Of course, its a tricky relationship dynamic and where a mil is willing to bend there will be a dil who wont...

but we are not gransnet so stories will be of mils/fils etc.

seabream · 20/01/2015 14:03

So many sad and crazy stories!
Mine is sort of sad, because it did herald the end of my marriage, although it took me a few years to realise that this was the case. My ex-MIL was actually a gracious woman, gentle, charitable, old-fashioned, but not malicious. But she came from a very repressed, now-impoverished, once-aristocratic family and was extremely set in her ways, and not really capable to showing empathy (although she was fundamentally kind). My ex-H had her lack of empathy without the kindness.

She lived about three hours from us in the depths of beyond, in a valley that had no mobile reception. The large house was always freezing because she just didn't see the need for central heating. Now, I'm not much of a TV watcher (in fact, mostly I hate it being on for no purpose) but for her, the TV would be ceremoniously turned on once per day, for the bedtime news, listened to with respect, like an oracle, then reverently put back to sleep.

Evenings would consist of dinner: tiny portions of unseasoned food, normally consisting of an undercooked pork chop, an egg cup measure of peas, and two plain boiled potatoes. After that everyone would sit in the icy "drawing room", pretty much in silence. Wine was frowned upon, and even tea was rationed. Coming from a noisy Irish family, I found it nearly unbearable. I'd go to bed just to escape the silence. I found out subsequently that MIL had a "special bottle" of Schnapps in the kitchen that she drank from periodically throughout the day.

The bedroom we were given had two single beds in it, with antiquated blankets and counterpanes, everything thick with dust. It was so cold you could see your breath in the air. At the time, my own mother was not well, she had cancer and was in the hospital a plane ride away. I had not wanted to go to visit MIL, due to my own mother's illness, but my (now) ex had made such a fuss I felt I had no choice. MIL was baffled by my need to get a signal on my phone to keep in touch with my dad and get updates from the hospital. They had an old fashioned bakelite phone in the hall, but she had a horror of it ringing, and wouldn't let me use it. It was all so strange and the fact that my ex made me out to be the unreasonable one to be concerned about my mother while being stuck in this strange time-warp without communication was the final nail in our already moribund marriage.

Cocolepew · 20/01/2015 14:04

As you know I was the poster that MIL went into the PNU, I didnt say she was pretending at that point. She was divorcing FIL at that point and as far as I know got herself admitted. We were more or less NC at that point so Im not 100% sure what went on between them. She has trotted it out when it suits her. I know when she was putting it on and so did DH, her DD and SonIL, and the on call psychiatrist DH took her to. She stopped doing it because she wasn't getting what she wanted with it. Which was attention from DH. She is divorced and her behaviour towards dh afterwards boardered on the obssessive. Like he was now going to be her surrogate DH.
She left the unit with no diagnosis. Personally I think she must have some sort of personality disorder. She has never stopped causing trouble, even from a young age apparently. I'm not the only person to get hassel from her.

If she doesn't then she the most incredibly manipulative, self obsessed, wicked person I have ever met
My mums MIL was actually quite similar to her, but nit on the same scale. Probably because my mum and dad left the country.

She targeted me from the minute she knew Dh was going out with me. Unfortunately for her she finally met someone who wouldn't take her nonsense.
We have been NC before but gave her a chance with the DDs. DD1 cant stand her and never has. DD2 liked her until she got older and heard her something said to me. She refuses to speak to her.

Her DD only speaks to her when she wants something and she has no realtionship with DH. He admitted to me not long ago the only feelings he has for her is hatred.

Her sisters and brothers no longer speak to her.

She has nothing, but her church, she very religious Hmm and its nobodys fault but her own.

Tbh I dont care if she has MH issues . I have tried in the past with her . Im not a nasty person nor am I lacking in empathy. But everyone has their limits. She pushed mine way too far.
I have been with DH for 21 years I have a long catalogue of abuse and petty, and not so petty, nastiness from her. Even when we were NC. She has always lived less than a 20 minute drive from us.

So fuck her.

Ohfourfoxache · 20/01/2015 14:13

Thanks Coco

Regardless of whether or not she has an underlying personality disorder she sounds bloody nasty Sad

Staywithme · 20/01/2015 14:17

so fuck her

I actually want to applaud you for that. Flowers

tallwivglasses · 20/01/2015 14:46

I thought about starting a similar thread...DD's MIL hates that we are all vegetarian and has been known to sneak meat into dishes for DGS. One day she made some 'lovely vegetarian pea soup' which she gave to DD and her partner so we could all have some. It was definitely vegetarian, she said.

We soon noticed rather a lot of bits of ham floating around in it. when partner phoned her she continued to insist it was vegetarian and that she 'must have been eating a ham sandwich while stirring the soup and maybe a few bits fell in'...

It was pea and ham soup, wasn't it. I do so love being the 'normal' nana out of the two of us.

Floisme · 20/01/2015 14:56

Cocolepew, first of all, I'm sorry you've had such an awful time and I completely understand the 'so fuck her'. But you're still saying she 'got herself admitted' to a psychiatric ward and I'm really sorry but I can't let that go. My own experience is that admission is nigh-on impossible unless you're a danger to yourself or others. Even then, you either have to wait for a bed to become free or be sent somewhere miles from home. Maybe it's different where you live but that's what I've found.

The fact that she left without a diagnosis also means fuck all. I'm sure she's a nightmare and it's something I wouldn't wish on anyone but I very much doubt she's feigning anything. Wishing you luck.

oldguygirl · 20/01/2015 15:08

I could write a book on it - but with my step MIL.
Dont get me wrong MIL was fearsome and her first words to me were ' do you know who I am' but she passed away quite young so ended up not being a problem(!)
But step MIL is a piece of work - mostly down to the fact she hates DH. Not for any reason - just for the fact that he exists.
When MIL died she never once offered any condolences - same when DHs brother died suddenly.
At time of BIL in dying - my Mother was also seriously ill and in hospital - BIL was an arse - as shocking as it was he was still a knob and basically killed himself. All step MIL could say to me was that I had to forget about my own mother(!!!!!) and concentrate on DH because the funeral would be 'traumatic'. Ok then - forget about the living and concentrate on the selfish fuck of a BIL . Shame she couldnt express her feeling of concern about DH to him herself.

Just a couple - many many others

MonstrousRatbag · 20/01/2015 15:10

I think a lot of sons get off lightly on these threads.

If your parent (father or mother) is a nightmare, you jolly well make sure to stand between that nightmare and your spouse/children.

DH and I have always agreed on that. He has managed his parents, and I mine. His mother and I were fine, we found common ground, and stayed there. My mother has more of an impact, shall we say, and it is my job to deal with that. And I do, because while I do believe in caring and in family duty, I believe in healthy boundaries as well.

Ohfourfoxache · 20/01/2015 17:01

Completely agree Monstrous - I've gone NC with an aunt and her husband for being vile shits to my lovely DH (I'm not just saying that, he really is a top bloke - my family all adore him. Even the aunt and her husband apparently "think the world of him" Hmm )

In fairness though, when it comes to the ILs he has it even tougher with them than I do.

Fluffyears · 20/01/2015 17:44

My mil is so desperate for DP's attention that it's fucking pathetic. She will invent emotional breakdowns, heating malfunctions and desperately try to get him to take her here, there and everywhere. If I turn up she gets the catbum face. If she knows we have annual leave she tried to find reasons for him to come to her house all the time but he does stand up to her and say no if we are busy. She found out we's gone on a day trip on Saturday and said 'oh you'll take me there when weather turns' aye sure when he'll freezes over, she doesn't seem to actually realise his car isn't free to run her all over the fucking county!

Gawjushun · 20/01/2015 18:08

Agreed, monstrous. I notice a lot of MIL stories feature a very meek EX-H, and it's easy to see why they are ex. My MIL can be a bloody nightmare, although she's more of the martyr/exhausting type than mean to others, but if my DH didn't stick up for me when she's being unreasonable, then he wouldn't be my DH for long!

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