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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be 'Mummy'?

348 replies

Iamintwominds · 17/01/2015 17:57

Dd is approaching one and there are some babbles of 'ma ma mama mama' which are cute.

Recently I have been thinking about this and I'm not altogether sure I want to be 'mummy.' I wondered if anyone else was known by their first name which is what I presume would replace Mummy?

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 18/01/2015 13:58

*I am a stable adult.

I have had lifelong issues with indefinite articles, though :(

Original poster
Iamintwominds · 18/01/2015 14:01

soup, not at all. I have been called names such as passive aggressive, a selfish mum ... They are pretty insulting by anyone's reckoning!

Mother and mum are (to me) synonymous and I do not like either - I am baffled as to how that's an insult!

I am not remotely confident in my choice but some of the things thrown my way have knocked me sideways a bit! No one has given me any reason why Mummy should be used other than that it's selfish which I can't really see or understand, sorry, or that she might get confused.

Fair - she doesn't have a Dad.

cannot - do you really feel sorry for her? Because she is loved. She is warm, safe, fed and has her every need met. She lives in a home which is spacious enough for her own bedroom as and when she needs it and she will have a secure childhood with friends, an education and healthcare met.

So do you really feel sorry for her or are you just trying to make me feel bad? 'I feel sorry for your children' other than in cases of outright abuse is a thoroughly nasty statement designed to make someone feel as low as possible.

I have good reasons for not doing Santa - however 'mummy' is, well, just personal taste.

OP posts:
CalicoBlue · 18/01/2015 14:13

I did not do Santa either. I felt it was a bit seedy. My exDh did want to do Santa so we did stockings, but I never told them they were from Santa/Father Christmas.

My DD asked me if Santa existed when she was 6, I asked what she thought, and agreed that he did not. She jokes now, she is a teen, that I ruined her childhood by telling her he did not exist. They still get stockings even now.

I think if you love and look after your children, what they call you, what fairy stories you chose to believe etc are irrelevant. Being loved is so much more important, and that is what produces well balanced children and adults.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/01/2015 14:42

I think the idea of "mummy" being a pet name is a bit strange. Pretty uch everyone, my MIL, the health visitor, teachers, strangers in the park, the plumber, the bus driver etc. refers to me as mummy. I would find that a bit odd and inappropriate if it were a pet name. But since it isn't really a pet name but rather an informal way of saying mother, it doesn't seem inappropriate at all.

cannottakeanotherdayofthis · 18/01/2015 15:14

I do feel a bit sorry for her, yes. Two things that all her friends will be doing, Santa and calling their mother mummy, two very normal things that are part of childhood but you're not going to let your dd do them because... Well it's not really clear tbh. But it does come across that this all seems to be about you and I wonder what other 'different' ways of doing things you'll impose in her in her childhood because YOU don't like the normal way of things and regardless of what might be best for her. I am not suggesting it will scar her or leave her traumatised but it just seems quite sad... Imagine never calling anyone mummy. Something quite cold about that.

Original poster
Iamintwominds · 18/01/2015 15:15

You must feel sorry for a lot of children whose parents don't do exactly as you do.

OP posts:
MuddhaOfSuburbia · 18/01/2015 15:27

in RL, OP, if you go down this route, either accidentally or on purpose, the worst you will get is a raised eyebrow. Other (mainly little) children can get a bit Shock but ime everyone gets used to it immediately

thing is, every family does something differently from The Usual. Thank god. And most people seem to rub along with it

you won't get any accusations of being 'cold', having your kids in therapy, people 'feeling sorry for' your dd

whatever you are called, it's how you mum that counts

Lilka · 18/01/2015 15:28

I'm bemused by the idea that Santa must be in a childs best interests. Why? I don't know any adults who didn't 'do' Santa, who feel hard done by. It's not like christmas was somehow miserable without a fat man coming down the chimney instead of mummy (or Sandra as the case may be!) lovingly wrapping you presents.

Or that it's 'cold' when my daughter says "I love you Lilka". It's so warm and special.

Lilka · 18/01/2015 15:32

But as Muddha said, no one has ever said this offline. I get asked why my daughter calls me Lilka, and I just say because that's what we prefer because it feels comfortable and natural. Which is generally followed by 'but why do your other kids call you mam then?'...well, because that feels comfortable and natural for them. There's nothing more to be said. I don't need to go into a lengthy explanation. Everyone accepts that.

Frusso · 18/01/2015 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Iamintwominds · 18/01/2015 15:45

Relieved to hear these last responses as I have to admit this thread has left me really shaken.

I don't think I'm a brilliant mum but I am doing my best and maybe that's all I can do or offer.

OP posts:
phoenixrose314 · 18/01/2015 15:47

It might be slightly confusing for your child when she begins attending nursery/school and teachers refer to you as Mum or Mummy etc.

Just a thought! It is up to you what you do, but for me the badge of "mummy" is one I fought for, cried for, would have moved the earth for, and the day he finally said it clearly I thought my heart would break from happiness. But it is a gift to me, perhaps a curse to you? Everyone is different.

phoenixrose314 · 18/01/2015 15:48

Also, I have deep sympathies OP - AIBU is not for the faint hearted and you were very brave to post this here!!! Flowers Grin

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 18/01/2015 15:48

The only issue I would be concerned about would be professionals - by which I mean police officers, hospital staff etc.
When DD was under 2yo she got lost, and a security guard at the shopping centre grabbed her and put out a description on the tannoy. When I turned up they asked her "is this mummy", before I was allowed to say anything to her. She said yes, then I was allowed to speak to her and give her a cuddle. At that age her speech wasn't good enough that she'd have been able to say "no that's x" or "yes but I call her x" she would literally have answered the question and said "no" and I'd have had a hell of a job convincing them that I was actually her mum!!

When she was hospitalised it was on her notes that she was her with her mother. They take your name and "relationship to child". So every nurse coming into her room for a week automatically said "mum" in reference to me. Even when speaking to me without her present they use "mum" because they haven't got the time to memorise everyone's first names as well. When she was having an X-ray and I couldn't be right next to her they automatically reassured her with "it's ok mummy's over there, you can see her in a moment" When she came round from a faint they said to her "mummy's here with you". That would all be very confusing for a child brought up to call you "x" and health professionals will ALL call you "mum" no matter how many times you try and get then to grasp that you actually have a name!

It's the universally accepted term for who you are in relation to your child, so all the people that come into contact with that child are going to use "mummy" which may prove difficult and confusing until she is old enough and has good enough speech to say "she is my mum but I call her x"
And equally she is very likely to call you whatever she likes anyway.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 18/01/2015 15:49

just hide the thread and go off and have some fun with dd

for some reason on this site people get REALLY fucked off with people who don't do things the exact way they do

it's baffling. And upsetting, to be pulled apart by strangers

oh, and stay off AIBU if you want a bit of balanced debate!

Original poster
Iamintwominds · 18/01/2015 15:50

Thanks muddha

OP posts:
MuddhaOfSuburbia · 18/01/2015 15:53

Shadows I've had lost kids, kids getting quizzed at passport control, nursery staff saying 'where's mummy?' etc etc-never been a problem in 17 years with 3 dcs

even little tiny kids know you're their mummy, whatever they call you, and that other people will refer to you as 'your mummy' iykwim

PhaedraIsMyName · 18/01/2015 15:56

OP, there are some ridiculous posts on this thread. It reads as if for some their only worth is to be someone's mother and that it requires constant validation in being called "Mummy"

Lilka · 18/01/2015 16:01

But it is a gift to me, perhaps a curse to you? phoenix are you really suggesting that being a mother is a curse to the OP, or to any of us that are very happy being called by our first names? The first time my eldest daughter said 'I love you Lilka' and I felt that she really was feeling what she said, I felt as you did - so happy my heart could burst Smile I also fought to be a mum (the role), because I wanted nothing more than to call someone my child. The 'title' mam or mum or whatever, doesn't mean anything to our relationship.

I'm not suggesting it should mean nothing to other people, it's A-OK if it's special and meaningful to you...just it doesn't take that much imagination to realise that others could have equally as special a relationship without saying 'mum' surely?

phoenixrose314 · 18/01/2015 16:07

No Lilka I meant that the idea of losing your identity due to becoming a mother is a curse to some, a friend of mine felt this - I didn't mean any disrespect by it!! Sorry if that's how it came across. I meant that I placed a great deal of value on the term mummy due to some very difficult experiences - others may not have that perception of the word.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 18/01/2015 16:07

Cannottakeanotherdayofthis, it seems that you are being speculative as you do not (presumably) know what it is like to grow up calling your parents by their first names and not doing Santa. I have experienced both of these things growing up, and I do not know how to say this clearly enough...IT WAS FINE! And as a child I certainly did not need or want your sympathy. Why not save your sympathy for children who are actually experiencing bad stuff, rather than children who are just being brought up differently to how you were?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/01/2015 16:09

"I have been thinking about this today and I can't think of any other context where you would refer to somebody as the title name for their role or relationship. I call my brother his first name not 'Brother.' I wouldn't dream (nor would any of us, I am sure!) call somebody Cleaner or Waiter or similar."

Nurse and doctor are the only two that spring to my mind.

"I don't think I'm a brilliant mum but I am doing my best and maybe that's all I can do or offer."

I think that's all of us can do - and in my opinion, the amount of thought you are putting into how you are raising your dd indicates that you are probably doing a damn fine job!

We did do Father Christmas - I loved the magic of it, and seeing the enjoyment it gave the dses. But if you don't do it, there are plenty of other things you can do, to bring the magic and the joy.

PhaedraIsMyName · 18/01/2015 16:10

Lilka I'll no doubt get blasted for saying this but comments like the one from Pheonix you've highlighted to me sound like comments made by someone with low self-esteem and confidence issues.

theQuibbler · 18/01/2015 16:17

You might find that your child makes up her own unique name for you as well. My eldest used to call me by my first name as that is what he heard when people referred to me, and he also came up with 'mimi'. I never call DH 'daddy' - he never calls me "mummy', which I suspect had an impact as well.

Anyway now they call me maman (which is fine as they are half-French) and that avoids the whole 'Mummy' thing which I would have hated. I don't know why I dislike 'mum' and 'mummy' - I just do. DH is 'papa' or 'dad-i', which they came up with all by themselves.

ImBatDog · 18/01/2015 16:17

My DS has autism and he couldn't speak well, I didn't start being 'Mummy' until he was four, before that I was 'Nana' so I don't feel the same pull of 'Mummy' as some people, what you're called is between you and your child.

I'm mostly Mum now, but i do allow him to use my real forename, especially if he needs my attention somewhere busy, because i know if he uses it, then its really urgent.