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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be 'Mummy'?

348 replies

Iamintwominds · 17/01/2015 17:57

Dd is approaching one and there are some babbles of 'ma ma mama mama' which are cute.

Recently I have been thinking about this and I'm not altogether sure I want to be 'mummy.' I wondered if anyone else was known by their first name which is what I presume would replace Mummy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamintwominds · 18/01/2015 10:55

I'm inclined to agree.

I'm honestly surprised people put such significance on the word 'mummy'. I'm a teacher and hate the near-endless bleats of miss, miss, miss so I discourage it. It doesn't mean I'm not their teacher.

It isn't about drawing the line at mummy - obviously any sound dd makes now is cute. What I want to discourage (not ban or forbid!) is being called for probably a number of years name I just don't like the sound of.

OP posts:
HolyTerror · 18/01/2015 11:01

Mathanxiety, exactly - I am Irish too, called own mother 'Mammy' as a child, so there's nothing 'natural' about 'mummy' for me, even though I'm raising a child who will encounter that as the norm among his English-speaking peers. My husband is actually the Irish Mammy in our household - he even subscribes to the twitter feed...

I honestly think there's a lot of unnecessary sentimentality in some of the stronger negative responses on this thread, rather like those outpouring of woe and accusations of selfishness and taking away the magic of childhood that show up with wearisome regularity on threads about not 'doing' Santa.

'Mummy' is an arbitrary word, not some magical title whose use ensures a mutually loving relationship between mother and child. And that line people keep trotting out about how anyone can call you by your name, but only your child can call you Mummy sounds like something from a particularly trite Hallmark card message. Fine if you feel that way, but a bit odd to try to make it a general rule for a functional mother/child relationship.

Use Mummy, don't use Mummy, but there is no rational basis for getting judgemental about those who don't use it as warped, frigid Unnatural Mothers.

Original poster
Iamintwominds · 18/01/2015 11:05

I have been thinking about this today and I can't think of any other context where you would refer to somebody as the title name for their role or relationship. I call my brother his first name not 'Brother.' I wouldn't dream (nor would any of us, I am sure!) call somebody Cleaner or Waiter or similar.

I called my mum and dad Mum and Dad when I was little but when my mum died and I got used to hearing people call my dad his first name we gradually evolved to that. My dad and I adored one another unequivocally and calling him his first name never felt even remotely compromised our love.

I won't be doing Santa either so I daresay I don't fit in too well around here!

I think that as with most things you go with what feels comfortable and natural. To me 'mummy' doesn't. That's really all.

OP posts:
CalicoBlue · 18/01/2015 11:08

I am amazed at the responses that suggest she will not have a mother, you will have problems at passport control, a poor relationship, etc.. absolute nonsense.

It is just a name, your relationship will be strong and loving whatever she calls you.

As I said in an earlier post on this thread, I called my father by his name, I loved and adored him. He died nearly two years ago, when I stood up to do a reading at his funeral, I called him by his first name all the way through. There was no doubt who he was to me or my depth of feeling for him just because I did not call him 'Dad'.

My own DC (teens) call me Mum or Calico sometimes, I don't mind either.

I am sure you and your daughter will find a name that works for you and it will just happen naturally.

RaspberryRuffle · 18/01/2015 11:09

Had to ocme back to this thread to say how surprised I am at the strength of some of the responses. Luckily whatthefucknameisntalreadytaken has just summed up what I wanted to say (thanks!).

Comments about problems at immigration are a bit hyped IMO, I mean whether the child calls you mum or not your are the mother and will have passport and possibly birth certificate copy if necessary.
I am quite old no spring chicken and as a kid it didn't cause problems...conversations with other kids went like this:
"Who's Valerie?"
"She's my mum"
"Why do you call her Valerie?"
"It's her name"
"Oh, okay".

It doesn't mean OP has PND or that her DD will end up in therapy. Either of those could be true regardless of whether she calls her Mummy until she is 90.

Like OP I just don't like the sound of it. My parents never made some ban on calling them Mum or Dad, we just generally didn't, our family evolved that way, my brothers and I are relatively balanced adults.
My own father called his mother a mix of Mum or her own name. It never samed odd to us, and they were extremely close

I get that some people place a very high importance on it and wouldn't like their own kids to call them by their name, what I don't get is the over reaction from SOME posters.
It may not be the norm but to each their own.

Original poster
Iamintwominds · 18/01/2015 11:09

I could have written your post calico right down to the funeral.

He was my dad and he was everyone's 'Bill' and he was just a lovely man regardless of what he was called.

OP posts:
AmantesSuntAmentes · 18/01/2015 11:20

My dc often call me by my first name. They're free to call me what they like.

Within reason Grin

I don't believe in enforcing labels. I find 'mum' more impersonal. What they call me certainly doesn't have a negative impact upon them or our relationship.

JessieMcJessie · 18/01/2015 11:35

MuddhaofSuburbia

Dont overthink it op. Just be really lazy dont bother referring to yourselves or each other as mummy and daddy. Just say 'can i have it/give it to me' etc. Dcs aren't daft: they hear you addressing each other by name and copy that

The OP hasn't mentioned her DD's father at all in this debate which suggests to me that he is not involved in her life so there may not be anyone else in the home referring to OP by her first name.

Thinking back, my gran called my Mum by her first name, obviously, but when talking to me she'd always say "your Mum" so "your Mum has gone to the shops" not "Dorothy has gone to the shops". OP if you want your DD not to call you Mum(my) you'll probably need to remind everyone else not you refer to you as "your Mum" or "your Mummy" when talking to DD about you.

SoupDragon · 18/01/2015 12:17

I have been thinking about this today and I can't think of any other context where you would refer to somebody as the title name for their role or relationship.

It isn't a title name for a role, it's a pet name. The title would be "mother".

I am a mother, I am the SmallDragons' mummy (or variations thereof depending what they are after). All sorts of tedious people refer to me by my given name, as I said earlier: only three people can call me "mummy".

Do whatever you wish but don't insult others by relegating a pet name to being just the role title.

Original poster
Iamintwominds · 18/01/2015 12:24

I have insulted no one. I've certainly been insulted though!

OP posts:
NobodyLivesHere · 18/01/2015 12:33

The OP has insulted no one. She's been very gracious in face of some insults aimed her way however.
My children's dad refers to me as 'Your mum' to the dc. I don't understand how people think if a child calls you by your name that they can't realise you are still their mother! Mine certainly do. I call my ex 'Your father' to the kids, they call him daddy. He calls me 'Your mother' they call me 'nobody'. It's simple.

Fairenuff · 18/01/2015 12:35

What word have you been using so far OP? Your dd is nearly one, surely everyone has been talking to her and referring to you, what do they call you when they say things like, 'Look, here's Mummy xxxxx' to the baby? Do they just use your first name?

I'm interested because I would have thought you would have made this decision when she was born, not a year later.

Original poster
Iamintwominds · 18/01/2015 12:40

Not sure really. People don't talk to her much Grin mainly just hello!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 18/01/2015 12:41

I prefer not to be called 'mummy' or 'mum'. I don't make a big deal out of it, my DS is a teenager now and I certainly don't want him to call out 'mumeeeeeeee' to me if we are out and about Grin. Likewise I don't call my own mother 'mummy' - she is in her 80s and I am in my 50s - first names is much more acceptable to me.

Each to their own of course, but I do think an over insistance on being called 'mummy' is slightly OTT - I have a dear friend who does this and she is quite open about the fact that being a 'mummy' is the most precious, important achievement she has in her life. It is no real surprise that she is now suffering with major anxiety/loss of self esteem issues after her grown up children have left home. Sad.

SoupDragon · 18/01/2015 13:34

I have insulted no one.

Calling a pet name a job title is insulting.

Whether others have insulted you doesn't change that. I haven't insulted you.

Original poster
Iamintwominds · 18/01/2015 13:35

Of course it isn't insulting. If you have taken it as an insult, then that is your issue!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 18/01/2015 13:37

Of course it is insulting.

GraysAnalogy · 18/01/2015 13:38

Being a mother isn't a job title. Being a mum isn't a job, it's something you are.

SoupDragon · 18/01/2015 13:38

By your reckoning, if you have taken what others have said as an insult, then that is your issue.

Fairenuff · 18/01/2015 13:39

So you have one a whole year consciously avoiding the word 'mummy' but haven't used any substitute with her? Do you have a partner? What do they call you when talking to the baby?

Also, how do you refer to her dad?

SoupDragon · 18/01/2015 13:39

If you are so confident with your choice, I wonder why you felt the need to name change to start this thread.

cannottakeanotherdayofthis · 18/01/2015 13:45

And you won't be doing Santa either.... Getting the impression here that your daughters childhood is going to be less about what's right for her, and all about what you want. Sad, and I already feel sorry for her!

Iggi999 · 18/01/2015 13:56

I would use "bro" and "sis" to siblings, though not all the time. I do like using the words that emphasis my relationship to my dcs tbh, and there's not much to beat the first time your youngster calls for his mama. barring lottery wins and discovering unopened Thorntons in the cupboard in January

RevoltingPeasant · 18/01/2015 13:56

OP just to reassure you, if you needed it, the stuff about passport control is complete crap.

My parents worked abroad when we were growing up and I'd flown the Atlantic more than 40 times before I went to university. I did not call my parents Mum and Dad and it never, ever caused the tiniest hassle at immigration in any country.

My parents also didn't do Santa, and yet somehow - not sure how - I am stable adult in a professional job with a mortgage and an excellent relationship with my mother! Weird, eh.

Mrsjayy · 18/01/2015 13:57

I know a family who are name only no mum and dad they don't do santa either they are not weird their children are perfectly normal children do what you like mummy mum mama just comes from the sound babies make anyway iyswim your dd won't be scarred