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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to ask a friend to check his facebook settings in case he's restricted me by mistake?

146 replies

WotchOotErAPolis · 15/01/2015 08:04

God, I hate social media - it makes us all paranoid and lose sleep over silly things, but I need HELP! Moved thread over from the 'facebook' one as that's being ignored (you'll see a theme here...!)

OK - so I got round to asking my fb friend why I couldn't see his timeline posts. Here's the story:

My best mate [CM], who is also a fb friend, came over earlier in the week and I relayed a funny story that my friend [let's call him GA] had posted on fb recently, with no names mentioned. She said she'd seen GAs post and now that she knew who the person in the post was, it was even funnier [happened to be my DH, who CM knows very well!].

When I said to CM, that I couldn't see GAs post and indeed had commented several times, to GA, that he didn't seem to be very active on fb recently and he didn't comment, she was a little surprised. The two of us went through GAs timeline and sure enough there were loads of posts there, some of which she'd 'like'd and indeed my sister had seen and 'like'd, and a friend that I introduced GA to about 3 weeks ago had seen a lovely post he'd put up, but I hadn't seen that one either.

I tackled GA about it this evening, telling him that CM had shown me his post and that she was curious why I wasn't able to see them. The only way this can happen, unless there's a bug of course, is if he has put me on his 'restricted' list for some reason to post something he didn't want me to see [which is fine - I do it myself sometimes], and then forgotten to unrestrict me .

Trouble is GA then got very shirty when I said yes I was a bit paranoid, and that he wished I wouldn't keep asking him about it as it was a bit creepy. I think it's creepy that we have known each other for 3 years and shared more than a few intimacies [not sexual - God no! - I just mean emotional stuff] over this time and yet someone who's only known him 5 minutes can see his timeline and that I seem to be the only one who is being shut out. He claims he has a couple of other friends who can't see his timeline for reason, that he has checked out his settings and wished I wouldn't keep asking.

My best friend [CM] thinks there's an issue but my sister who is a mutual friend on fb with all of us, thinks I'm making far too big a deal out of it as she doesn't see why GA would want to block me at all and why worry as he spends a lot of time with me and DH anyway, so it's not as if I'm missing out on any secrets!

Am I really being paranoid and is it actually possible? I find it incredible that he would block me as I have never ever done anything that might worry him, so he genuinely has no reason to block me deliberately.

[This is mumsnet so I'd 'fess up if there was an issue that I thought might influence the situation.]

OP posts:

MinceSpy · 05/02/2015 09:08

You lend your child's music teacher considerable sums of money, feed him ect? Maybe he has blocked you, he knows you fancy him but maybe he doesn't see you in that way.
What if he has blocked you?

LillyEvans · 05/02/2015 09:10

I'd feel put out too, but I think maybe you should step back from social media for a bit.

Also, I didn't think I could restrict someone from seeing my posts but have them still see my page. Isn't it more likely that you've unfollowed him from your timeline? I've done that, once someone posted a story about a spider so I hide it and you have the options to hide all posts from that person if you want.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/02/2015 09:12

Lilly you can restrict the audience for everything you post. Which means they're still your friend and can see certain things, but cannot see status updates or pictures, for example. You can either do it on a post by post basis or as a default, eg the audience for each post will be 'friends except x and x', if you know what I mean.

LillyEvans · 05/02/2015 09:12

I think you might more than just fancy him...

LillyEvans · 05/02/2015 09:13

Ah I see GotToBe

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/02/2015 09:13

I actually agree with scarlet that it sounds like this guy is using you. You give him a lot in this relationship and don't seem to get much in return. Do you have low self esteem?

scarletforya · 05/02/2015 09:14

I should have said; you can't 'covert' a user into a friend by telling them off and confronting them over their behaviour. They know and like the situation the way it is. They won't change.

What you do is drop bad friends/users and instead use the new tools you learn in counselling to better identify sincere, nice people as potential friends in future.

Users can sense neediness and low self esteem a mile off, they'll deliberately target that, it's useful to them.

ImBatDog · 05/02/2015 09:37

You know OP, by this point, i would do one of two things.

Either ignore and pretend like it didnt happen, or confront him about it properly.

Get your mutual friend to screen shot his wall as she see's it, then you do the same, highlight the things she can see that you can't.

Give them to him and say "I know you've restricted me, for whatever reason, but thats up to you, the fact you're lying about it is what hurts. If you can't even be honest with me then we don't have a friendship" then get him out of your life and be done with it.

IKnewYou · 05/02/2015 09:46

Is he doing the music lessons for free to try to pay back the money?
Do you have anything in writing about the loan? If not then ask him to sign something. Make sure you do it properly and include a repayment date. If he is a friend and if his intentions are honrably he won't mind at all.
You can tell him you can rethink the repayment date closer to the time if you want.
Details what to do are on the MoneySavingExpert website.

It sounds like he is taking advantage of you BIG TIME and that you are someone who is easy to take advantage of.

I think you should delete your Facebook account.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/02/2015 09:48

He is yanking your chain OP. He's using you for food and money and recommendations and his restriction of you on fb is his sneaky wee two fingers up to you. You need some boundaries. He's not a friend.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/02/2015 09:50

He's also encouraging your 'fancying' of him. And the reason the fb thing makes you feel all paranoid is because he wants you to feel paranoid. If you felt comfortable, secure and confident - the opposite of paranoid - you'd probably be able to see this relationship for what it is, you'd ask for your money back, you'd cancel the music lessons and you'd kick this user to the kerb. He needs to keep you off balance to keep the relationship ticking over.

imho. But I'd bet you £100 I'm right

CrystalHaze · 05/02/2015 09:56

If anything he's taking advantage of my generosity as a welcoming host, friend and 'bank'! I really don't mind as he's a nice guy [yes I do fancy him, but he's as much of a control freak as DH so the grass would definitely not be greener...].

This sounds like an extremely unhealthy friendship. The fact that you've been chewing yourself up over it for weeks now confirms that it's a very unhealthy friendship.

You really should detach emotionally, for the sake of your sanity, your bank balance, your current relationship.

LadyLuck10 · 05/02/2015 10:18

ImBat you are just encouraging the ops unhealthy behaviour.

googoodolly · 05/02/2015 10:44

This is still going??

Buxtonstill · 05/02/2015 10:51

Oh right; so you do have a crush on him. When you lent him the 'considerable' amount of money did you tell him that it left him under an obligation to make you privy to every detail of his life, and if he didn't you may kick up a fuss?
I would be very wary of lending a considerable amount of money to someone I had known 3 years. There will be very good reasons why he couldn't borrow it from a bank. If they won't take the risk, I certainly wouldn't.
Unless he had a gun against your head, it was YOUR choice to lend him the money. If you got a little love struck and let your heart rule your head when you lent him the money you only have yourself to blame. Does your husband know you lent it to him? I guess not.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 05/02/2015 10:52

I did post something that was misinterpreted about 3 years ago, when he was 'just' our teacher - he ticked me off very severely to my face and we discussed it there and then

Ooooh what??

ShadowSpiral · 05/02/2015 10:54

This would annoy me too.

But obsessing over it for weeks isn't healthy and you need to find a way to let this go.

If he's chosen to restrict you on fb there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. You've already asked him once about it, so if he'd restricted you by mistake that would have prompted him to fix his settings.

The fact that he's still restricting what you can see would have me seriously questioning whether this friendship means as much to him as it does to you.

Redglitter · 05/02/2015 10:58

If your posts on here are anything to go by quite honestly I'd restrict you in my fb too. He'd probably delete you if he wasn't so worried about the fallout from that

OfaFrenchMind · 05/02/2015 11:02

Still Creepy, sorry. No matter the amount of back story you give about how well you know him, how much he owes you, what a great support you are to him.... You still come off as too obsessed.

Let it go.

QuintlessShadows · 05/02/2015 11:03

Too many blurred lines for him to WANT you as a fb friend....

You fancy him
He knows your husband
He goes on lads weekends with your husband...
He is your childs music teacher
You know his girlfriend
You know his other clients
You are his bank.....

I can totally see why he does not want you to see his feeds.

And you have posted something that could be misinterpreted

IKnewYou · 05/02/2015 12:27

If he has borrowed money from you then he might worry that you would judge him if he had photos or posts on Facebook showing that he was spending money frivolously. Although I suspect he wouldn't care.

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