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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask a friend to check his facebook settings in case he's restricted me by mistake?

146 replies

WotchOotErAPolis · 15/01/2015 08:04

God, I hate social media - it makes us all paranoid and lose sleep over silly things, but I need HELP! Moved thread over from the 'facebook' one as that's being ignored (you'll see a theme here...!)

OK - so I got round to asking my fb friend why I couldn't see his timeline posts. Here's the story:

My best mate [CM], who is also a fb friend, came over earlier in the week and I relayed a funny story that my friend [let's call him GA] had posted on fb recently, with no names mentioned. She said she'd seen GAs post and now that she knew who the person in the post was, it was even funnier [happened to be my DH, who CM knows very well!].

When I said to CM, that I couldn't see GAs post and indeed had commented several times, to GA, that he didn't seem to be very active on fb recently and he didn't comment, she was a little surprised. The two of us went through GAs timeline and sure enough there were loads of posts there, some of which she'd 'like'd and indeed my sister had seen and 'like'd, and a friend that I introduced GA to about 3 weeks ago had seen a lovely post he'd put up, but I hadn't seen that one either.

I tackled GA about it this evening, telling him that CM had shown me his post and that she was curious why I wasn't able to see them. The only way this can happen, unless there's a bug of course, is if he has put me on his 'restricted' list for some reason to post something he didn't want me to see [which is fine - I do it myself sometimes], and then forgotten to unrestrict me .

Trouble is GA then got very shirty when I said yes I was a bit paranoid, and that he wished I wouldn't keep asking him about it as it was a bit creepy. I think it's creepy that we have known each other for 3 years and shared more than a few intimacies [not sexual - God no! - I just mean emotional stuff] over this time and yet someone who's only known him 5 minutes can see his timeline and that I seem to be the only one who is being shut out. He claims he has a couple of other friends who can't see his timeline for reason, that he has checked out his settings and wished I wouldn't keep asking.

My best friend [CM] thinks there's an issue but my sister who is a mutual friend on fb with all of us, thinks I'm making far too big a deal out of it as she doesn't see why GA would want to block me at all and why worry as he spends a lot of time with me and DH anyway, so it's not as if I'm missing out on any secrets!

Am I really being paranoid and is it actually possible? I find it incredible that he would block me as I have never ever done anything that might worry him, so he genuinely has no reason to block me deliberately.

[This is mumsnet so I'd 'fess up if there was an issue that I thought might influence the situation.]

OP posts:
Blackout234 · 15/01/2015 21:25

If i were him i'd be hiding my bunny....

ScrambledEggAndToast · 15/01/2015 21:46

How old are you?!! Give the guy a break Shock

ItsAKindOfRabbit · 15/01/2015 21:57

I do this to my Mum, and my FIL.

The reason being, my Mum seems to think she is some kind of clever stalker by being on my facebook and EVERY time I post on there she has to 'reference' verbatim whatever I've put and it's annoying.

I have spent a long time putting distance (geographical and emotional) between my Mum and I and I hate the way fb gives her an insight to my life, but she feels 'entitled' to it as there are occasionally things about the kids on there.

She is just generally a hard work person and I don't want her noseying that closely into my life, not that I ever put anything serious on there. But, for e.g. I asked local friends for recommendations for someone to clean our oven and now her and my Dad go on and on about how I've got 'staff' and don't do things for myself oh do fuck off. My brother rejected her friends request so I'm nicer than him!

Sorry, I realise this may not be how you are, op, but it you do that it's annoying!

sonjadog · 15/01/2015 22:11

I have refused to be my Mum's facebook friend. She brings it up from time to time but it is non-negotiable. She would be reading everything, commenting everything if I let her. Your brother is right, ItsA. Unfriend her and feel the weight lift from your shoulders!

SaggyAndLucy · 15/01/2015 23:44

have you checked that it's not YOU who has unfolded HIS posts?

CrystalHaze · 16/01/2015 01:00

Nice one, Sonja. I wish I'd had the presence of mind to refuse my MIL on FB. I've had to settle for hiding the inane drivel she posts and restricting my profile so she can't see what I post.

FightOrFlight · 16/01/2015 01:17

have you checked that it's not YOU who has unfolded HIS posts?

Like a reverse origami?

SaggyAndLucy · 16/01/2015 13:11

should say unfollowed!

VitoCorleoneAgain · 16/01/2015 17:12

Reverse origami Grin

Original poster
WotchOotErAPolis · 05/02/2015 07:39

OK so here I am again. Been doing a lot of thinking recently. As part of my new 'standing up for myself' persona [another thread entirely, involving counselling on the issue of my being a doormat for too long!]

Here's my rant back at those who called me creepy:

Whilst IABVU to have asked him more than once to check his fb as I was concerned - he has told me not to ask him as he swears blind he hasn't restricted me in any way; IANBU to worry privately about why I can't see anything. One MNer commented earlier that if you don't post to a wall [which I don't as he said years ago he doesn't like fb much, except to PM his musician contacts]

However, take last night's scenario: he teaches my kids music so had come round for his usual lesson. the kids adore him - he's a nice guy - we had a cuppa and a chat about my lost engagement ring and the battle I'm having with the insurers; my DHs new job and how it might take him to India next; then he went off to teach.

Came back and had a burger with me and my YS post-lesson. DH would usually be there too but is currently wafh.

Then he went off to visit his new girlfriend [who I introduced him to - she's the daughter of a friend of mine who lives down our road], leaving his car parked on our drive as there are never any spaces on the road.

I have lent him a considerable amount of money in the last 6 months when he was desparately badly off on the understanding that he can't pay it back any time soon. Now tell me who's being creepy here? If anything he's taking advantage of my generosity as a welcoming host, friend and 'bank'! I really don't mind as he's a nice guy [yes I do fancy him, but he's as much of a control freak as DH so the grass would definitely not be greener...]. We, and my DH are very comfortable in his company and he often takes DH off at weekends for lads' days out.

Now tell me IABU to fret that I can't see silly little posts like 'took my Mum up B.Hill to see the fireworks'. Really? It's not personal stuff he's posting that I shouldn't be seeing and I have never 'stalked' him on fb [quite the opposite - I never post anything to his timeline precisely cos he told me he didn't post much anyway.]. I did post something that was misinterpreted about 3 years ago, when he was 'just' our teacher - he ticked me off very severely to my face and we discussed it there and then - apology accepted, moved on, never done it again.

So, whilst IABU to ask him directly as he probably hasn't 'done' anything, IANBU to be annoyed that fb may have stopped me seeing his posts for some reason.

OP posts:
Sunnysideup5883 · 05/02/2015 07:55

I would probably restrict him too. Just for a laugh.

Sunnysideup5883 · 05/02/2015 07:58

Maybe he restricted your access 3 years ago after the incident but has forgotten?

Jinglebells99 · 05/02/2015 08:02

What did you post the years ago that he told you off about? How old is he in relation to you?

EdSheeran · 05/02/2015 08:02

In the nicest possible way, please let it go. Why are you even giving this headspace?

Perfectlypurple · 05/02/2015 08:05

You first posted a couple of weeks ago and to come back still upset about this is strange. I can see why he won't discuss it as you can't even let the opinion of some strangers on the Internet go without obsessing about it and trying to justify yourself.

Facebook is a choice. It is meant to be a bit of fun.

Tyzer85 · 05/02/2015 08:06

Let it go.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 05/02/2015 08:14

I still think you are investing far too much thought into this. Whether you're being unreasonable or not, it is consuming far too much of your emotional energy. It's obviously still playing on your mind to revisit the thread.

It sounds like in order to feel better about this you need to take control back. Stop doing all these things for him. Restrict his access to your Facebook. Do SOMETHING which means this (and him in general) takes up less head space.

I think the 'yes I do fancy him' is very telling here.

atticusclaw · 05/02/2015 08:16

I thought from reading this that you were one of those sensible OPs who read the advice given and get it straight away. But no, you can't give it up.

It's not creepy to be someone's friend in RL, to have coffee with them, do them favours, enjoy their company. It is quite frankly creepy to be as completely obsessed with Facebook as you are. Why the fk do you even care about his posts on Facebook? He posts, he doesn't want you to see (probably because he knows you're obsessed) but he's quite happy to stay friends in RL where you probably come across as slightly less unhinged.

Honestly, I think you need to get a grip and delete Facebook entirely from your devices for a couple of months. You'll find you've not actual missed anything but banal comments from self obsessed individuals.

minibmw2010 · 05/02/2015 08:18

You sound creepy frankly !!! Hmm

LadyLuck10 · 05/02/2015 08:21

You sound unhinged! Leave this poor guy alone, he's probably sensed this and that's why he's restricted you. What are you analyzing and keeping tabs of his posts for?

HellKitty · 05/02/2015 08:34

You sound like a bit of a control freak. It's his choice who he has viewing his FB or not, you feed him, you pay him (and lend him money), and put him and his gf together, maybe he needs breathing space from you.

Celticlass2 · 05/02/2015 08:49

Go out in to the real world and live your life. Get off Facebook. You sound unhinged! If I was him I'd be blocking you as well.

WizardOfToss · 05/02/2015 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UncleT · 05/02/2015 08:57

Definitely drop it - you've no business 'tackling' (seriously??) people like this.

scarletforya · 05/02/2015 09:08

Oh this guy again. You wrote about him before, he's using you for money Op. As I remember you and your friends are his only customers add a 'music teacher'.

The way you stand up to this guy is to STOP BANKROLLING HIM , cut him out of your life, he's using you. He thinks you're a mug, a convenience. Your problem is not that he's restricting you on Facebook, it's that you're practically begging him to use you!

You can't buy friendship Op. I think your self esteem is low and I'm glad you're doing counselling. I hope you can start to see this situation more clearly and begin to understand the difference between a real friend and a complete user (which he is)

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