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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask a friend to check his facebook settings in case he's restricted me by mistake?

146 replies

WotchOotErAPolis · 15/01/2015 08:04

God, I hate social media - it makes us all paranoid and lose sleep over silly things, but I need HELP! Moved thread over from the 'facebook' one as that's being ignored (you'll see a theme here...!)

OK - so I got round to asking my fb friend why I couldn't see his timeline posts. Here's the story:

My best mate [CM], who is also a fb friend, came over earlier in the week and I relayed a funny story that my friend [let's call him GA] had posted on fb recently, with no names mentioned. She said she'd seen GAs post and now that she knew who the person in the post was, it was even funnier [happened to be my DH, who CM knows very well!].

When I said to CM, that I couldn't see GAs post and indeed had commented several times, to GA, that he didn't seem to be very active on fb recently and he didn't comment, she was a little surprised. The two of us went through GAs timeline and sure enough there were loads of posts there, some of which she'd 'like'd and indeed my sister had seen and 'like'd, and a friend that I introduced GA to about 3 weeks ago had seen a lovely post he'd put up, but I hadn't seen that one either.

I tackled GA about it this evening, telling him that CM had shown me his post and that she was curious why I wasn't able to see them. The only way this can happen, unless there's a bug of course, is if he has put me on his 'restricted' list for some reason to post something he didn't want me to see [which is fine - I do it myself sometimes], and then forgotten to unrestrict me .

Trouble is GA then got very shirty when I said yes I was a bit paranoid, and that he wished I wouldn't keep asking him about it as it was a bit creepy. I think it's creepy that we have known each other for 3 years and shared more than a few intimacies [not sexual - God no! - I just mean emotional stuff] over this time and yet someone who's only known him 5 minutes can see his timeline and that I seem to be the only one who is being shut out. He claims he has a couple of other friends who can't see his timeline for reason, that he has checked out his settings and wished I wouldn't keep asking.

My best friend [CM] thinks there's an issue but my sister who is a mutual friend on fb with all of us, thinks I'm making far too big a deal out of it as she doesn't see why GA would want to block me at all and why worry as he spends a lot of time with me and DH anyway, so it's not as if I'm missing out on any secrets!

Am I really being paranoid and is it actually possible? I find it incredible that he would block me as I have never ever done anything that might worry him, so he genuinely has no reason to block me deliberately.

[This is mumsnet so I'd 'fess up if there was an issue that I thought might influence the situation.]

OP posts:
KirjavaTheCat · 15/01/2015 10:13

Hmm, 'deranged' and 'unhinged' is a bit harsh.

It does sound as though he's restricted you. For whatever reason though, he's not letting on. It's not nice of him to deny he's done it, when he clearly has.

But you need to stop asking him about it. Say no more on the subject. Decide whether you want to be as close as friends as you currently are with someone who is quite unashamedly not telling you the truth, about something rather trivial.

diddl · 15/01/2015 10:13

"God, I hate social media - it makes us all paranoid and lose sleep over silly things"

Gosh no!

I'm abroad & for me it's a way to message/chat with friends.

I rarely like or comment on stuff & have never posted a status!

Tinkerball · 15/01/2015 10:21

OP the minute you mention the word Facebook here you get the anti-fb folk out in crowds, prime example thinking its "nonsense for people with no real friends". I could easily say the same about MN Peggy!! Grin

OP I don't think you're deranged or unhinged at all but you are going to have to let it go, he's not going to tell you why he's blocked you.

funnyossity · 15/01/2015 10:24

He sounds not nice. (but I know nothing of FB!)

SallySolomon · 15/01/2015 10:31

do you mean they're not coming up on your news feed, or that you cant see them even if you go on his wall? if its the prior, its just the fb algorithm not showing them to you, you need to interact with him more. if its the latter, then he must have restricted the people who can view his posts, in which case, suck it up and stop going on about it, sorry.

This ^ Facebook is a pain in the ass for only showing stuff on your newsfeed of people who you regularly interact with.
If you don't engage much on there, you don't get shown their stuff.
As has already been asked - if you go directly onto his wall, can you see the posts there? Because if you can, then it's Facebook not showing stuff in your newsfeed.
If his wall's blank to you but not to others, you'll have been restricted.
If you've been restricted, you're just going to have to suck it up and let it go. Stop harping on about it to him, as I can see why he'd be getting annoyed - people can do what they like with their own FB!

AntiHop · 15/01/2015 10:37

I can totally understand why you feel upset about this. There's a few reasons why this might be happening.

  1. Have a look on your friends list and search for his name. If he's not the text hen he's unfriended you.
  1. Search for his name in the search box. If he's not there then he's blocked you. That will mean you can't see him on facebook at all.

If you are still friends with him and not blocked, there is still another explanation. It could be your settings. Your news feed might be showing 'top stories' instead of 'most recent' which means facebook is only showing you selected things on your news feed. You can change that on the drop down menu near the top of the page.

If you are still friends on Facebook and you want to know for sure if he's restricted you then log in on a laptop. Then look at his wall and see if you can see that post. Hot can't do this from a mobile or tablet as facebook only shows highlights of someone's wall on a mobile or tablet.

JoanHickson · 15/01/2015 10:38

There is something wrong with your friendship, good friends don't restrict like that. I think it is normal to query what is going on he is behaving oddly.

Sallyingforth · 15/01/2015 10:45

God, I hate social media - it makes us all paranoid and lose sleep over silly things

You have your own answer in the very first line.

You don't like it, so don't use it. Get back to life in the real world. You'll be happier for it.

FelicityGubbins · 15/01/2015 11:13

If someone was spending a fair bit of time with me, my dh, my family in general but restricted me on Facebook it would piss me off as well. I'm either good enough to be your friend or I'm not! Don't waste my time with this hot and cold and only friends when it suits you shit..

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 15/01/2015 12:05

I don't think Facebook is only for nutters/losers etc etc, however I do think OP is investing far too much time and thought into this. I use FB probably far more than is healthy but still wouldn't give this more than a passing thought, let alone 'tackle' someone about it and discuss with my sister and best friend!

cozietoesie · 15/01/2015 12:10

Have you mentioned all this to your DH ?

SilverStrand · 15/01/2015 12:11

Yup. Totes unhinged!

ilovesooty · 15/01/2015 12:14

Ffs. This is bizarre. Do grown ups really take this shit so seriously?

AlpacaMyBags · 15/01/2015 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wanttosqueezeyou · 15/01/2015 12:22

God, I hate social media - it makes us all paranoid and lose sleep over silly things

No! No! This isn't how social media should make you feel! It's not working for you if it is. Have a rethink about how you use it.

It could be he's done it accidentally. Maybe he's got some groups set up and doesn't realise how they work. Perhaps its your settings. Or perhaps he's just blocked you...

But you've asked him now (could you have been a little confrontational in this?? 'tackled'), time to drop it.

JoanHickson · 15/01/2015 12:30

Op please ignore the mh comments. I am sure mh wards are not full of people checking fb to see who has restricted who viewing posts.

Sallyingforth · 15/01/2015 12:54

Op please ignore the mh comments

Seconded. You are not ill, just taking FB much too seriously.

FB is not compulsory - we all managed perfectly well before it was invented, and many of us still do.

Take a break from it for a while and meet people in real life.

Cerisier · 15/01/2015 13:19

OP I have restricted settings for a couple of good friends because I can't trust them not to say something daft on my wall. Are you likely to make a rude joke or post something embarrassing? If so (and especially if the friend has a professional job and serious friends and colleagues as FB friends) you will be kept at arms reach in such a public forum.

Tinkerball · 15/01/2015 13:24

Take a break from it for a while and meet people in real life

Whilst I agree with saying if FB is upsetting OP too much then a break would be beneficial, being on FB and meeting people in real life arent mutually exclusive, you can do both!

FightOrFlight · 15/01/2015 13:28

I think Facebook is the Devil's work even though I have an active account

I can see the OP's reasoning - it must feel like she's being deliberately excluded and I can understand she'd be a bit paranoid. What is he saying about me or my family that he doesn't want me to see.

As has been said, he may have restricted one post for some reason and then forgotten to adjust the privacy settings. You asking him about it has embarrassed him as he didn't want you to know about the restriction and he's reacting angrily at this being discovered.

I'm pretty sure a Facebook friend of mine has me on restriction for certain posts (Britain First shares!). This suits us both as I don't have to see that shite and she doesn't have to get defensive when I challenge her about it. She tends to share the 'animal/child abuse' ones rather than the overtly racist posts but it still boils my piss that an intelligent woman is sharing anything from that page.

tippytap · 15/01/2015 13:36

Aren't you the poster who's husband didn't like you lending the car to a male friend? Is the person you're having FB issues the same friend?

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 15/01/2015 13:41

Ooh, Tippy, it's not is it?! I remember that thread....

GretnaGreen · 15/01/2015 13:41

i don't see anything wrong with asking him if he has restricted you giving the other people you're both friends with could see his posts and you couldn't. I don't think that's paranoid, i don't think that's needy, I don't think that's controlling. I think most people would have asked under the circumstances. However, you've asked him now, he's answered and you know the position. I would leave it there, however unsatisfactory it feels.

muminhants · 15/01/2015 13:52

You can restrict posts without unfriending someone. There are at least two people I'm friends with on FB who I think have done it to me and I can only see public posts on their timelines but so be it.

My rule of thumb is: if I saw someone in town I know would I stop to talk to them? If I wouldn't, why would I be their FB friend? I'm also wary of being friends with colleagues. I don't restrict my timeline access, but I don't let people post on it in case they post something silly. You can't avoid the tagging in photos though. My SIL tagged me in a picture from 1997 in which I am about 2 stone heavier than now! It's horrible! I stopped it appearing on my timeline but it's still on hers, sadly.

Shattered2014 · 15/01/2015 14:11

I've just read the first few posts on your car thread and now believe that your DH asked him to restrict you and he doesn't want you to know this. Or possibly your DH made him feel uncomfortable so he restricted you to stop you being over friendly.