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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to buy dd (9) crop tops

143 replies

BigBirthdayGloom · 14/01/2015 22:41

Dd is 9 and not developing at all visibly puberty wise. She said today that she wants to wear "bras" because lots of the girls in her class were. I explained that I would take her bra shopping the minute we needed to but that we didn't need to yet. On more discussion, it turns out the other girls are wearing crop tops rather than bras (did think it was a bit strange!). Dd doesn't even wear vests-hasn't done since she was a baby.

I looked online at crop tops and they look so bra like. Honestly, I can't see the point. She doesn't need support, she isn't cold.

Would I be mean to say no? Or is fitting in that important that I just give on this one? After all, it isn't going to hurt-just make me feel she looks more grown up than she needs to,

OP posts:

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 15/01/2015 09:21

Aww :) My DSD needs some I think. Will buy her some nice fancy ones, I don't want her to feel left out or embarrassed of herself in PE changing. She's 11, and is filling out a little now (she was very skinny when she came to us, her then home life wasn't too good :( ) I love to treat her to little things to make her feel a little bit grown up.

SisterMoonshine · 15/01/2015 09:47

I recently had the same crop top thing with my 10 year old DD.
We went to matalan and they had a nice choice, some do up like a bra at theback.
There are one or two girls in DD's class who are starting to develop early and I did think it must be nicer for them if all the girls are wearing them anyway and it's not a big thing then if they're the only ones.

MrsTawdry · 15/01/2015 09:50

Mine's had them since 9 and she's an ardent Feminist. No kidding she is...she speaks loudly and publicly when she sees something which she regards as sexist on behalf of both boys and girls.

Her crop tops aren't quashing her at all and....she's ten and still plays with dolls.

MrsTawdry · 15/01/2015 09:51

We get ours from M&S because they're all cotton. Primark do good plain white ones for school...a 6 pack is under a fiver.

Cocolepew · 15/01/2015 09:58

My DD wore the M&S ones all ready
linked to. They were great and lasted well.

Golanova · 15/01/2015 09:59

Both dds started wearing crop tops around that age despite not having started puberty.

I bought them so they could fit in with the other girls.

Most of the big chains/supermarkets do them. I got some nice matching crop top and pants sets from John Lewis this year.

Pick your battles. Imo arguing over them having an extra layer of fabric covering the middle section of their chest is not important.

Stinkle · 15/01/2015 10:06

My 9 year old has been wearing them lately too. She chose some from Matalan. She has no development whatsoever, I think she was just a bit self conscious when getting changed for PE.

My mum was quite controlling about this sort of stuff when I was growing up, so I've somewhat gone the other way and am happy to go with the flow. I've also got a 13 year old DD who wants to dye her hair, wear make up and roll her school skirt up every morning

My only rule is that it needs to follow school rules, so permanently dying your hair weird colours is out, but dip dying the ends over the summer holidays is fine. Sparkly eye shadow for school is out, but a bit of BB cream and lip gloss is fine.

Original poster

BigBirthdayGloom · 15/01/2015 10:06

Asked dd what kind of tops the other girls have and it does sound as if they are all wearing the short vest sports style ones. I do love Aibu. People will be honest, but if its a reasonable question borne out of trying to work things out, I don't think people are ever unkind. Another one worked through with mumsnet holding my hand-thanks! I might give her the little palette of garish eye shadows I bought for £1 to play with. It is a bit of a (private) giggle seeing little girls with it plastered on in play. And I think being balanced about that might mean it becomes part of life rather than her raison d'être. Thinking about it, that is my fear. But given that she has hobbies and likes climbing trees and playing with sylvanian families it seems a bit irrational!

OP posts:

Endler32 · 15/01/2015 10:08

My almost 11 year old has been wearing them since she was 9 because her breasts had started to grow, most of her friends still don't wear them and quite often dd moans about wearing them as not all her friends do. We buy them from Tesco's as they seem to be more comfortable ( I think they are seamless ). Dd2 is almost 9 and will be starting to wear them soon too as her breasts are starting to grow and she wants to be like her big sister.

If her breasts are not yet growing then I wouldn't make her wear one, if she wants to wear one anyway then there's no harm in that, do what she feels is best.

highlighta · 15/01/2015 10:11

Yes, agree, go and buy them for her.

DD 12 is wearing proper bras now, but i did have these for her before she started developing. Before her breasts starting to bud, her nipples were super sensitive and they would itch as well. So we got them to stop the rubbing on her tops or school dress. She was probably one of the first of her group of friends to start wearing them.

I see a lot of the girls who aren't yet developed are wearing them, also as their white school shirts are see through, and at this age, other kids can be cruel.....

Theboodythatrocked · 15/01/2015 10:12

I never battled over clothes. Not important in my view.

ClaimedByMe · 15/01/2015 10:15

BigBirthdayGloom you have taken your AIBU replies so gracefully, it makes the thread feel all wrong!!

Nothing really to add as everyone has already said it and you have agreed, you sound like a fab mum.

chocolateorsalad · 15/01/2015 10:19

You sound lovely OP. Take DD shopping with you so she can choose the ones that all the other girls have. Otherwise you might buy the wrong ones and it'll be just as bad as wearing none at all! She's obviously becoming aware of her body.

My mum was quite strict regarding things that meant I was "growing up". She was fine buying me a bra because I developed early on. But when I started growing underarm hair when I was 10, she really dug her heels in and said I was too young to be shaving them. But other children had noticed and would tease me for it. Eventually she caved but would only allow Immac as it was called at the time and she would do it for me once in a blue moon. I'd always had long hairs on my legs too and became self-conscious of it to the point of tears at about 11. All the girls at school shaved so in PE or when sitting down on the carpet in class, people noticed and would make comments. She eventually let me shave them when I was 12 but only with an awful old electric razor which scratched my legs to fuckery.

Don't get me started on periods. I started at 11 and for years she would feel the need to announce it to my dad and teenage brother every month! "XXX has come on this week!" I've no fucking idea why she did it and I would always tell her to stop because it embarrassed me.

MsVestibule · 15/01/2015 10:21

My DD is nearly 8 (Y3) and asked for crop tops about 2 years ago. I said no, your vests are fine, and she hasn't asked since. She doesn't wear vests anymore and I know she gets changed with the boys for PE, so I'm surprised she hasn't mentioned it since.

Thanks for starting this thread, birthday as it's made me rationalise my odd thoughts about her not growing up too soon. When she next asks, I won't have to be all angsty about it, I can just say 'Of course, let's go and look for some!' She's a lovely, caring little girl and realistically, a crop top is not going to change that .

WRT earrings, our school has made that decision for me. We're in the three tier system and the first and middle schools don't allow any jewellery at all. So I've told her she can have hers pierced as soon as she leaves middle school (end of y8). She'll be 13 and she's happy with that (so far).

Original poster

BigBirthdayGloom · 15/01/2015 10:21

Thing is, this is Aibu. That's a question, I asked it about how I was feeling last night and people answered truthfully. So, I have the answer-I was being unreasonable. In real life, it's actually quite tricky to get an honest answer as people are so careful not to upset (a good thing with friends geberally!). And here I get a wider set of opinions than I would from my friends and from people who've been there already. So what's not to be graceful about? No one said "get a grip you ridiculous woman"!

OP posts:

Theboodythatrocked · 15/01/2015 10:25

Sweet jesus chocolate your mum sounds very wierd! And borderline cruel sorry.

MsVestibule · 15/01/2015 10:29

Oh god, periods. I got my first one when we were on a coach trip around Europe. Mum had brought a pack of 10 towels with us 'just in case'. I had to make then last a full 7 days, because buying more was 'too expensive'. I had to put the same one back on after having a shower. I also wasn't offered any painkillers.

I remember sitting in St Marks Square in Venice feeling ill, smelly and totally miserable.

HouseBaelish · 15/01/2015 10:29

Asda have some really nice ones - very soft and comfortable and just like a short vest, no bra shaping to them

Theboodythatrocked · 15/01/2015 10:35

It is an interesting thread.

With ours we generally let them lead us over clothes shoes hair etc. as long as no school rules were broken.

Dds had ears pierced at 11 and belly at 14. Couldn't really think of any sensible argument against it.

Ds1 had a tatoo at 17 and ds2 at 16. All in places able to cover.

We insisted on good manners, good behaviour, good at school, cheerful, hard working and trustworthy. Telling lies in our house was the worst crime.

Clothes not important.

Lovely post there op. Hope you and dd enjoy type shopping trip.

Theboodythatrocked · 15/01/2015 10:37

OMG!!! mrsV I want to hug my teen dds now after reading your post.

What is wrong with some mothers. You poor thing.

Stinkle · 15/01/2015 10:38

All this growing up stuff is a minefield.

DD1 has just started her periods a couple of months ago and I really hope I'm doing it right.

I just buy her a selection of stuff every time I go shopping. I bought her a box to keep in her room and I just make sure it's fully stocked. I also bought her a pretty little case to keep in her school bag with towels, a couple of painkillers and spare knickers and check make sure that's full.

She has a bit of a thing about swallowing painkillers so I make sure we have plenty of those chewable calpol tablets

We had a talk about it, and I showed her all the different things on offer, and how to use them, but don't harp on about it. I don't want to embarrass her, but I don't want her to feel she can't talk to me about it either, although she has told me each time.

I never know if I'm doing right for doing wrong

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/01/2015 10:42

stinkle

that sounds perfect

having to ask each month for more was embarrassing for me at the time.

That would have been. lovely

ClaimedByMe · 15/01/2015 10:43

MsVestibule thats one of the saddest things ive read about starting periods :(

I have a dd 11 who shaves, wears proper bras her chest is bigger than mine and has periods and this reading some of the replies on this threads has made me realise I am doing ok with her, it really is a minefield especially as i was a late developer and have struggled with her developing so young.

MsVestibule · 15/01/2015 10:47

Thanks, theboody - 30 years later, I've just about recovered! When I think how much that holiday must have cost, another few pounds really wouldn't have bankrupted us.

I just wonder what mistakes (serious or seemingly unimportant to me) I'll unwittingly make with my children's upbringing. I know I've made loads already, but hopefully they're still too young to remember them!

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/01/2015 10:49

I didn't need a bra til my teens and was an AA at 16. my mum never bought crop tops for me. It was embarrassing

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