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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ABSOLUTELY fuming about the fact that MIL & SIL have taken it upon themselves to cut DD's hair

153 replies

Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 11:28

Bit of background just to understand the dynamics: MIL, SIL and DP, myself & DD all live in the same area. DP is a farmer and MIL lives next door to us. I work early morning shifts, this morning I had to be at work for 5am ( i got back at 10:30).

DP gets DD up and dressed on a mornings and then takes her up to MIL's house. Anyway I came back about half an hour ago and went to pick DD up.

SIL was there and she had recently mentioned that DD (18 months) could do with a hair cut - she was right but we were managing for now by just clipping it back. Plus it's kind of a sentimental thing baby's first hair cut.

Anyway DD turned round and to my horror they have cut her fringe!! It's wonky and in all honesty looks shit. I can't even clip it back. I know that it's 'just hair' and will grow back eventually but it's the principle. They didn't ask either myself or DP if they could do it they've just shown an absolute fucking lack of respect and goner heads an done it.

Perhaps the worst thing is the fact that they didnt say anything about it when I went inn to pick her up. I wasnt there for long(but long enough for them to tell me they had cut her hair) I picked her up put her coat and shoes on and left. I honestly felt like crying punching a wall

I know that if i say anthing there will be no apology and it will be me in the wrong for kicking up a fuss.

I'm a busy working mum, trying to keep a home and keep everyone fed, haircuts aren't my top priority, they Are an extra expense that I can't really afford if I'm honest. If it came to it I wouldve cut her hair myself, if it went wrong then I'd only have had myself to blame.

I'm so upset. Sorry for the length just had to vent

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 12/01/2015 17:55

My mum did this to ds1. We didn't have a big falling out (or even an argument) over it but I made it very clear that I didn't expect her to do it again and she never did. It wasn't the start of her trying to take over my son either.

In isolation, I think this is annoying but not the end of the world. If there is a bigger picture then it's probably a symptom of that.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 12/01/2015 18:12

I think you and DP need to sit down and have a longer term plan to get away from them. What is there to stop her selling the farm or giving it to SIL? He could be working away there for nothing. You've done up the house with no assurance that you can stay there or inherit anything.

Obviously moving away from the farm is tricky but I think you need some specialist advice and a longer term plan, maybe over several years to find somewhere else. Otherwise, you could easily find yourself out of a house and livelihood if SIL gets the farm.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2015 18:27

You will be shafted in her will. I would bet my house on it.

You need to marry your DP. You need him to sell all his stock and go and find another tenancy.

You must get away.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 12/01/2015 19:54

Agree with nannyogg that you will be totally shafted in her will. I know farming families v well!

But DO NOT sell the stock. You'll need stock to find a tenancy.

fuzzpig · 12/01/2015 19:56

YANBU

Original poster
Fleetfoxes · 13/01/2015 12:40

I come from a farming family myself and everything was worked out very fairly.

wizard you speak a lot of sense and have certainly given me food for thought. I know that DP will get completely shafted and I think that now is the time to move on to pastures new.

DP went up last night to confront MIL. SIL was there and MIL had retorted ' I'll be in control until the day I die.!' Showing her authority in front of SIL. I'm sure they were both loving it.

DP also told MIL that he wanted £800 P/M wage off her, she replied 'you had £400 a couple of months back.' DP got the stubs from her old cheque books and she hasn't paid him since MARCH last year!!!!!! We've been relying solely on my wage!!

He could more than likely take her to the cleaners for that.
She makes me so mad! She wanted him to vaccinate SILs sheep today and he's told her to go fuck herself.

OP posts:
ConferencePear · 13/01/2015 12:55

Fleet I have a friends who worked on the family farm for years. He kept the show on the road for years, wasn't properly paid and married too late to have children because of it. His brother set up a haulage business and behaved reasonably. However, when the father died his sister who left home and married many years before turned up and claimed to be an expert shepherd and to cut a long story short manipulated herself into a much better position than she should have done.
If he isn't paid a proper regular wage it's time for him to get out before he ends up like my friend who is landless, jobless and supported by his wife.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 13/01/2015 13:00

As awful as it is for your dp to hear this - its best now than after a lifetime of slaving away, the fact his own sister is happy to join in says a lot too.

They are in league and no one is thinking of him.

Relying on your wage and yet your paying her rent too.

Awful.

As painful and horrid as this whole process will seem to be free in the long run it will be worth it.

I can 100% guarantee when you start to look sharp about moving, and freeing yourselves - she is going to shit herself and I promise you - all of a sudden all the power will be yours ( not that you want it) but power of negotiation ...I reckon it would be better to get well away from her but ...you will be in amazing negotiating position to get things done legally.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 13/01/2015 13:02

They are relying on you to feel trapped in the family farm so they can take advantage forever. It you REALLY don't have to.
Seriously look into tenancies. You will be so much happier away from them.

Have a think - do all arguments between you and DP stem from MIL/SIL? I bet they do...! It'll be like a weight lifted being away from them.
There's really nothing to stay for. They'll shaft him in the will and you'll end up with nothing, I'll bet you anything. And these people NEVER change.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 13/01/2015 13:05

They are relying on you to feel trapped in the family farm so they can take advantage forever.

Yes its great for them isn't it! Lovely GC near by whom they can do what want with, son who is compliant working arse off to support all....rent coming in to boot and not paying out.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 13/01/2015 13:08

You wouldn't believe how common it is willbeat

ghostinthecanvas · 13/01/2015 13:09

My DIL would kill me if I got her kids haircuts. In fact, the very idea of her chasing me with scissors (she so would!) has made me giggle. Not helpful, I know Blush but there is so much more going on. Other posters have given great advice. Perhaps your DP would feel better reading the support on here?. Good luck Op. You sound lovely.

Miggsie · 13/01/2015 13:10

Agree that you MIL can remain in control - but not of you.

Look to moving away and getting your own farm - or your DH working on another farm where he will get paid!

The term for working without being paid is slavery you know.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/01/2015 13:14

That's awful how your MIL spoke to her son.

Please take the advice and look into tenancies. Who knows - there may even be a farm local to where you currently live (if you like the area but not the neighbours) which would mean that the move wouldn't be as traumatic. Alternatively, move miles and miles and miles away so that you have an complete fresh start!

You'll never know until you try.

Best of luck to you on this.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 13/01/2015 13:30

My Granny grew up on a farm, and went through a similar thing, except it was her step-mum who favoured her 'own' children once Granny's father had died. Eventually my granny had to walk away, with nothing, in order to free herself from it. She had nothing, and a small child to feed, but she did it. She actually got right away from farming, and it was the making of her. She always had to get up early on the farm, could never go away because the animals always had to be looked after. Once she was 'free' she could live her life. She did ok financially too, was very comfortably off after the first few difficult years (which was war-time anyway so things were tight for most)
My Mum was glad she did not grow up on the farm, as she would have been totally tied to it too, just as the 'cousins' who still run the farm today are.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away, start again.

catkind · 13/01/2015 13:33

My goodness you need to see a lawyer. Your DH can't just let himself be used as slave labour. Does he have any kind of contract?

TracyBarlow · 13/01/2015 13:39

If she's not even paying your husband now then why on earth does he think she'll suddenly be fair when it comes to inheritance.

She's exploiting him horribly. Forget the small chance of an inheritance, just get away.

My husband has been disinherited because he left the awful family business in which his father thought he could act as he pleased, take all the profis, manipulate my H and let his daughter act as though she was the boss, without actually putting in any effort. Since H left his toxic sister has been expected to run the business and it's been a huge shock to her system to actually have to do some work. She's completely incompetent and by the time FIL dies there'll be no business to inherit anyway.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 13/01/2015 13:53

The hair thing is awful but how on earth have yOu managed to survive not having been paid since March?!

Clutterbugsmum · 13/01/2015 14:55

The more you say/write the more I think you and your DP really need to start thinking about what you need to do to secure your future, and I would keep it from you DP Mum until everything is settled and if that means leaving her in the lurch then she will just have to get on with it.

I have no idea where you would find out about farms/tenancies, but I'm sure someone on here will be able to help.

morethanpotatoprints · 13/01/2015 21:03

I haven't rtft, but you seem familiar OP
Have you posted about your mil before?
If not there is a similar story to yours from last year, if this is the case it has been going on too long and you need to get it sorted for yours and your dds sake.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 13/01/2015 21:27

I think there is another MNter involved in farming, but her BIL is lazy and her SIL has health problems and constantly expects her to look after her many children. I can't remember her name but perhaps the OP should make contact for some support.

wanttosqueezeyou · 13/01/2015 21:46

I think you should cut your sil's DC hair.

I honestly think it may be the only thing that has any effect. They clearly need a taste of their own medicine.

PrimalLass · 13/01/2015 22:15

Don't. It isn't fair on the kids.

Original poster
Fleetfoxes · 14/01/2015 22:24

Maybe SILs hair not the kids. I won't use her kids against her as she has used mine against me

OP posts:
BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 14/01/2015 22:47

OP I would be fuming .... And I would kindly return the favour for one of her DC Wink