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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be ABSOLUTELY fuming about the fact that MIL & SIL have taken it upon themselves to cut DD's hair

153 replies

Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 11:28

Bit of background just to understand the dynamics: MIL, SIL and DP, myself & DD all live in the same area. DP is a farmer and MIL lives next door to us. I work early morning shifts, this morning I had to be at work for 5am ( i got back at 10:30).

DP gets DD up and dressed on a mornings and then takes her up to MIL's house. Anyway I came back about half an hour ago and went to pick DD up.

SIL was there and she had recently mentioned that DD (18 months) could do with a hair cut - she was right but we were managing for now by just clipping it back. Plus it's kind of a sentimental thing baby's first hair cut.

Anyway DD turned round and to my horror they have cut her fringe!! It's wonky and in all honesty looks shit. I can't even clip it back. I know that it's 'just hair' and will grow back eventually but it's the principle. They didn't ask either myself or DP if they could do it they've just shown an absolute fucking lack of respect and goner heads an done it.

Perhaps the worst thing is the fact that they didnt say anything about it when I went inn to pick her up. I wasnt there for long(but long enough for them to tell me they had cut her hair) I picked her up put her coat and shoes on and left. I honestly felt like crying punching a wall

I know that if i say anthing there will be no apology and it will be me in the wrong for kicking up a fuss.

I'm a busy working mum, trying to keep a home and keep everyone fed, haircuts aren't my top priority, they Are an extra expense that I can't really afford if I'm honest. If it came to it I wouldve cut her hair myself, if it went wrong then I'd only have had myself to blame.

I'm so upset. Sorry for the length just had to vent

OP posts:

Nomama · 12/01/2015 13:12

Ah! That makes it so hard doesn't it? If DP can't reason with her (or threaten her) then he really is in a bind. I do understand the dilemma, it seems to play itself out across a lot of the farming community in one way or another (I live in a very rural area and teach farming kids).

Is there any way he could call a family meeting? Get things into the open? Not the favouritism, but his need for more stability so he can support his DD? Might that work, or even be possible for him?

To be honest, I probably know the answer, and you are going to have to find a way to put up with this forever. Maybe that is what you have to concentrate on. Find a way to 'manage' MIL and SIL and make your family unit as supportive for DP as possible.

wickedlazy · 12/01/2015 13:15

Also, immature perhaps, but I would be telling them that your hair dresser friend said that she had never seen a worse home hair cut on a child, and wanted to know was it really another child that did it, who they were covering for. That it really looked terrible, but hopefully it'll grow back quick so she can fix it. And make a running joke about sil's terrible hair cutting ability.

Original poster

Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 13:15

The house we live in is hers. It was absolutely trashed when we moved in. We've renovated it ourselves. She takes half of the rent off DPs non existent wage and I pay her half too.

She won't pass ownership of any house onto DP or BIL in her lifetime as she is wary of ( if we were to get married) divorce settlements etc yet it's fine to buy a house for SIL and her DH!! Sorry I maybe sounded entitled there, I most certainly am not. It's more of a for instance/example of her favouritism. I also take it as a bit of an insult - it's like she thinks that i would marry DP, divorce him and take him for all he's worth!!??? What's ironic is the fact that the only reason she has the farm is because her DH died 27 years ago so she inherited it

OP posts:

bottleofbeer · 12/01/2015 13:16

My auntie did this to me. She gave me a proper bowl head haircut. I've got a photo of me at that age with said haircut as a profile pic on Facebook and it always gets comments about what an awfully hilarious haircut it is. My mum was also fuming.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 12/01/2015 13:18

put up with it forever when lets face it - the mum could ask him to simply clear off and he wont have a leg to stand on.

silly him for being in such a precarious position.

can he go and farm elsewhere? re train?

rent his own land and farm it?

just carrying on in thehope one day his mother allows him some land seems maddness

wickedlazy · 12/01/2015 13:20

Sil enters room.

Oh no! Dd quick! HIDE -hides dd behind back- it's aunty scissorhands!

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 12/01/2015 13:20

oh dear.

Tinkerball · 12/01/2015 13:21

Ah there's much more to it than just a haircut!

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 12/01/2015 13:21

she has you all by the short and curlies, you live in her house, she takes your and his money, she takes your child, cuts its hair, provides the land for dp to work...she owns you.

GlitteryLipgloss · 12/01/2015 13:24

This is my worst nightmare. I would be heartbroken, not only because of the 'first haircut' but because of the blatant lack of respect.

Original poster

Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 13:25

willbeat yeps you're right silly him but in a way he's been indoctrinated. It's all he's known. When he was a 14-15 year old boy working his butt off to help make an income would he have thought of implications like this? Could we really blame him for not thinking of the implications?

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 12/01/2015 13:26

YANBU, I'd be hopping mad too.

DS2 has baby curls still - I know they need to be cut off, as they're quite long (he's got a bit of a mullet going on but it's that beautifully soft baby hair!) - but I know he won't get them back once they're gone, so I'm holding off and holding off. If MIL - or even DH for that matter! - had his hair cut without my knowledge I'd go off the deep end at them. And they both know it too.

Your MIL seems to enjoy having you both "in her power" - and she's making sure you feel it. Bitch thing to do.

Original poster

Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 13:29

She does and I hate her guts for it. She is completely taking advantage of DP.

He owns a lot of the stock so that's something in his favour. He has 10 acres of land in his name but it's not enough. Unless you're well established renting anywhere is just going to leave you in debt.

I think he would lose all purpose if he left the farm.

OP posts:

nunkspugget · 12/01/2015 13:32

My friend can't plait her dds hair for toffee. I can plait beautifully. Do I even dare redo a simple plait while alone with her dd? No! Because its insulting and wrong. I do get sorely tempted though!

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 12/01/2015 13:32

but how old is he now?

does he still feel he is working to help the whole family and the whole farm?

whats the point of working butt off if he falls out with mum and she says goodbye, out of my house, and off my land!

your in a very very weak position, it wouldnt be so bad if at least you had some distance between you but your child is around two powerful women, domineering in personality and powerful in that they hold all the strings..all of them...who think and treat you like your a bad mum!

even stepping in...to hep the poor child who has hair in eyes.

not very nice for your dd to grow up with such obv disdain for you and obv undermining of your abilties.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 12/01/2015 13:34

but what is his purpose> you and his daughter or his mum and sister?

he has no security.

can he build on the land he owns?

Original poster

Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 13:36

Completely agree. But what do I do?

The only reason they've had DD today is because my DM couldn't have her.

OP posts:

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 12/01/2015 13:40

you need to say am i going to put up and shut up, accept the situation and pray mil never throws us out....

or decide it has to change and come up with a plan, find ways out....and take steps to do it.

as i said - why is dp working so hard when at any moment it could be snatched away.

help him to look at situation subjectively and try and get at what he really wants if he had never know different how can he look at situatin clearly//

perhaps relate? a third party to help him and you clarify what you both want..and how to shore up against mil

Nomama · 12/01/2015 13:41

Well, there you go, break an unbreakable rule: NEVER send DD to them again. EVER!

But you know that won't help. DP has to feel strong in his life position, strong enough to look for alternatives/supplements to his income so that he isn't as beholden to her.

Realistically you probably can't change anything - short of upping sticks and leaving.

Well, you could try ingratiating yourself with her, but as it sounds as though any OHs are the enemy in waiting that doesn't sound likely!

Loopylala7 · 12/01/2015 13:44

I'd be upset. Get your other half to have words though, if it comes from you it will blow out of proportion. Make sure though that he does stick up for you

Original poster

Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 13:44

Exactly, it's impossible. I feel so bad for DP. He's so gently natured and to lose the farm would break him!

OP posts:

Theboodythatrocked · 12/01/2015 13:46

I think your main step is getting your dd to proper childcare. Cm? Nursery?

This situation is untenable.

Understand the farm issues and living nearby but the upbringing of your dd is none of their concern.

Can u afford childcare?

nunkspugget · 12/01/2015 13:48

Do you have a tennancy agreement?

Theboodythatrocked · 12/01/2015 13:51

And if you really want to piss the bitch off marry her son!

wickedlazy · 12/01/2015 13:57

Or decide it has to change and come up with a plan, find ways out....and take steps to do it.

^^
This.

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