To be ABSOLUTELY fuming about the fact that MIL & SIL have taken it upon themselves to cut DD's hair

[Fleetfoxes]

Bit of background just to understand the dynamics: MIL, SIL and DP, myself & DD all live in the same area. DP is a farmer and MIL lives next door to us. I work early morning shifts, this morning I had to be at work for 5am ( i got back at 10:30).

DP gets DD up and dressed on a mornings and then takes her up to MIL's house. Anyway I came back about half an hour ago and went to pick DD up.

SIL was there and she had recently mentioned that DD (18 months) could do with a hair cut - she was right but we were managing for now by just clipping it back. Plus it's kind of a sentimental thing baby's first hair cut.

Anyway DD turned round and to my horror they have cut her fringe!! It's wonky and in all honesty looks shit. I can't even clip it back. I know that it's 'just hair' and will grow back eventually but it's the principle. They didn't ask either myself or DP if they could do it they've just shown an absolute fucking lack of respect and goner heads an done it.

Perhaps the worst thing is the fact that they didnt say anything about it when I went inn to pick her up. I wasnt there for long(but long enough for them to tell me they had cut her hair) I picked her up put her coat and shoes on and left. I honestly felt like crying punching a wall

I know that if i say anthing there will be no apology and it will be me in the wrong for kicking up a fuss.

I'm a busy working mum, trying to keep a home and keep everyone fed, haircuts aren't my top priority, they Are an extra expense that I can't really afford if I'm honest. If it came to it I wouldve cut her hair myself, if it went wrong then I'd only have had myself to blame.

I'm so upset. Sorry for the length just had to vent

Shave her kids bald. See how she likes it! Cheeky bastards.

Do you have any assurance at all that she won't just leave it all to SIL in the end?

I wouldn't be surprised if, when she dies, you will simply have SIL step into her shoes as owner keeping everyone singing to her tune.

I'd give your husband the choice between divorce or moving as far away from those idiots as possible. This isn't about hair (although I'd kill anyone who cut dds hair), it's about these people disrespecting you and taking liberties with your child. Do you really want to waste the rest of your life dealing with this nonsense?

First I'd get a hand on your sils kids and do a shit job on their hair to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Don't let them have unsupervised access to your child again and explain why.

Move/divorce. You have to do that as you live in your mils house so have no freedom to draw the boundaries you need to until she no longer has that power over you.

Is there any way that your DH/DP (I'm not sure which he is to you) could find another farm to be employed on? Are there farms that take people on with experience? Could you find that out and see if accommodation is supplied with them?

I'd then contact a solicitor who deals with farming issues (again, I'd say there is such a field of specialty) and draw up a contract that you would approach your MIL with. In the contract there would be specifics to include the house you're living in (reduce the rent/plan to inherit it/any specifics you want to include), the land that your DP is tending to (extending that 10 acres to include other pockets or allow to buy at a reduced cost but not at a prohibitive one) and so on. Then call your MIL bluff and together say to her that you're aware that she is unable to tend to her own land and without your help and that of your DP, you will walk if these things are not sorted as you have options. Do not tell her what the options are (these would be what you have already investigated and would be ready to move if MIL didn't play ball).

Then make your decision.

I'd be trying to get as far away as possible from her as it is very clear from what you've posted that it's her way or no way.

Best of luck!

I'd end up with an ulcer if I had to put up with this.

To lose the farm would actually be THE MAKING OF HIM love.

Seriously.

the comment about you being left off invitations is horrendous - your DP needed to kick some serious arse about this and take them all to task, or make sure that everyone knew that HE would not be attending or speaking to whoever disrespected you/your family until apologies were forthcoming.

You can bet your arse that the promised land/inheritance WON'T be coming his way, they are going to shaft him.
get legal advice, and then when you are told you have practically no chance of getting this on even and decent terms, you need to move to start your own business.

whatcha that is very helpful thank you!! Never even thought of mentioning 'other options' to her. It might just make her sit up and think

(these would be what youhave already investigated and would be ready to move if MIL didn't play ball)

this is key thing look into secure and workable back up options then come and negotiate with them.

Never even thought of mentioning 'other options' to her. It might just make her sit up and think

just make sure you and dp know what these options are, and you would be prepared to move if she didnt give some ground.

making threats and having no way to carry out will make you look silly

I wouldn't be surprised if, when she dies, you will simply have SIL step into her shoes as owner keeping everyone singing to her tune

she is favouring sil now, what makes you think this will suddenly change and favour her in death.

This needs dealing with or you're going to end up with a life long war of attrition going on. Probably only to find yourself screwed when MIL died if the blatant favourism is anything to go on.

I like Whatcha's advice.

This is one of those things I'd be perfectly happy for them to think I'm insane for caring about - get them told!

you also need to get your do to sit up and think, no matter how impossible you or he think your situation is - actually its not.

I agree with Hissy maybe he does need to loose what he thinks is his farm, in all but actual legal deed...and move on with his life....

who does he think he is helping because it sure aint you or his daughter...whats he working for her - he could leave her with nothing and spent most of her childhood slaving in a field...she will also mistrust her own mother and possibly fall into clutches of mil and sil.....

lovely

I would be furious. If I take my son round to my mil's I expect to get him back the exact same way I left him not missing his hair. Especially the first hair cut, some are quite sentimental about that. I would have a talk with your mil about boundaries otherwise she will now overstep them all the time.

Even if this was done with the best intentions it is still wrong and I understand why you're angry; I would have been furious.
The sensible part of me would say leave it but make sure they're of the understanding that it will not happen again.
Non-sensible part of me would have shaved her head in her sleep!

I'd be round there with a formal letter for them to sign saying they will not assault your child again if she is left in their care. (assuming you cannot afford other childcare)

That's what this is, assault.

My DDad and ex DP have both taken it upon themselves to cut DS hair in the past and it looked awful.

I went ballistic. They have never done it again.

And each time I cried in frustration for hours because it looked so dreadful, I even called everyone I knew who could cut hair to save Ex DP particularly shamefully dreadful attempt before DS went to school the next day.

reading quickly through, i think MIL has too much power over your family, and you all need to get the hell out of dodge!

This thread has moved on a bit since your original post and it's clear the issues are more than jus hair, but if my mil or sil ever cut the dc's hair (especially for the first time) without consulting me beforehand I would cut one of my sil dc's hair pretty much the same day or soon after and not blink an eye if she kicked up a fuss. Luckily my inlaws are reasonable people and always consult me about the dc's care and well-being.

My own sister cut 10cm off my youngest dc's hair which resulted in a short bob, luckily it looked really good but I was still a bit

That's awful :( I would be seething.

A friend of mine has the most ghastly old bag of a mother. My friend's toddler son had the most adorable curls but the mother took him, without telling her daughter, to have them all shaved off at the barber's. To quote my friend, he was 'shorn like a sheep'.

What area are you in?

I'd look for a tenancy somewhere. If you already have the stock you'd have a great chance of getting a council farm on good terms.

There's no difference between renting and owning financially; you either work to pay the rent or the taxman. The hardest part is buying your stock and you already have that.

Find your own land and tell MIL you are taking a 10 year tenancy, and that if she wants you back to farm after that you will need something in place legally.

Then never look back.

I promise you - I understand this. But you really need to look at getting out and getting your own farm. It is very do able if you already have stock.

What do you farm? And how much do you have?

Are you the poster whose MIL refused to return the baby to you after babysitting and shut you out as the baby needed a nap or something? I vaguely remember a thread along those lines, and a farm was involved, too.

Please get out of this dysfunctional family set-up. Your partner will not get the family farm. His mother won't change. You should both look for other opportunities elsewhere, including somewhere else to live and other childcare arrangements.

Don't waste your life on these people.