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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ABSOLUTELY fuming about the fact that MIL & SIL have taken it upon themselves to cut DD's hair

153 replies

Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 11:28

Bit of background just to understand the dynamics: MIL, SIL and DP, myself & DD all live in the same area. DP is a farmer and MIL lives next door to us. I work early morning shifts, this morning I had to be at work for 5am ( i got back at 10:30).

DP gets DD up and dressed on a mornings and then takes her up to MIL's house. Anyway I came back about half an hour ago and went to pick DD up.

SIL was there and she had recently mentioned that DD (18 months) could do with a hair cut - she was right but we were managing for now by just clipping it back. Plus it's kind of a sentimental thing baby's first hair cut.

Anyway DD turned round and to my horror they have cut her fringe!! It's wonky and in all honesty looks shit. I can't even clip it back. I know that it's 'just hair' and will grow back eventually but it's the principle. They didn't ask either myself or DP if they could do it they've just shown an absolute fucking lack of respect and goner heads an done it.

Perhaps the worst thing is the fact that they didnt say anything about it when I went inn to pick her up. I wasnt there for long(but long enough for them to tell me they had cut her hair) I picked her up put her coat and shoes on and left. I honestly felt like crying punching a wall

I know that if i say anthing there will be no apology and it will be me in the wrong for kicking up a fuss.

I'm a busy working mum, trying to keep a home and keep everyone fed, haircuts aren't my top priority, they Are an extra expense that I can't really afford if I'm honest. If it came to it I wouldve cut her hair myself, if it went wrong then I'd only have had myself to blame.

I'm so upset. Sorry for the length just had to vent

OP posts:
Gautami · 12/01/2015 12:13

Fleetfoxes you need a long term plan:

New job with better hours.
childminder
move away from MIL (why on earth are you living next door)
get dp to shape up or ship out.

Not necessarily in that order.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/01/2015 12:26

You are right to be fuming.

What you need to do later today along with your DH sit your MIL and SIL down and say to them you didn't want to say anything before now as you needed time to calm down or else they would have been at the receiving end of some equally fast scissors to their own hair.
You must say to them that while you are very grateful to them looking after your DD while you farm, they are not allowed to touch a hair on her head without asking you first, they are not allowed to alter her appearance (next thing would be pierced ears probably) in any way without asking you first. They are not the parents in this instance and while you have calmly bided your time with their critisism of your parenting skills but this is the last straw.

Tell them straight out that if they critisise you again the fact that they are next door neighbours will not stop you sourcing alternative childcare and visiting their grandchild could be put in jeopardy.

Stand up for yourself and for how your daughter will see how her mother is treated by her grandmother.

Best of luck to you with this.

Original poster
Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 12:29

I've kicked off before over things and the whole family just completely turned on me. DP and DD were invited to family events but my name was left off invitations.

I was quite literally ex communicated for months. It's pathetic really but they're just out for themselves

OP posts:
Clarabell33 · 12/01/2015 12:31

Tell your SIL and MIL that your hairdresser friend had a right go at you about the mess your DD's hair was in and how long it's going to take to grow out and how much it's going to cost you in extra haircuts to sort it out as it grows out and that in future, you'd appreciate it if she could just not touch her hair other than to tie it back, thanks. In a jokey but 'I really do mean it' way.

xlibbyx · 12/01/2015 12:32

fleetfoxes what did your DP do when they kept excluding you from things?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/01/2015 12:38

That's awful Fleetfoxes - what did your DP do and say when they kept excluding you from things?

If they have form for this, then perhaps it really is time to make your DP stand up for you and his new family and cut all ties with them.

That is shameful behaviour from adults.

Original poster
Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 12:39

I've been up and told MIL how i felt. She's said her hair was in her eyes. The fact of the matter is that DD has VERY curly hair. She doesn't suit a fringe I fact her hair won't hold it. I had it clipped back so that it would grow out.

She just sat there and told me that if they left it to me it would never get done!!! It's curly, too short and wonky and just looks ridiculous.

I also told her how I was pissed off that NEITHER of them had mentioned it to me despite the fact that they had plenty of opportunity to. She just scoffed at this. I didn't expect anymore.

I think they've realised that they've made a shitty job of it and have said to one another "we won't mention it, perhaps she wont notice' of course I've fucking noticed!!!!!!!! Don't insult my intelligence by pretending otherwise.

xlibbyx DP refused to attend any parties that I wasn't invited to. He simply said we all go as a family or not at all, like it or lump it.

OP posts:
Nomama · 12/01/2015 12:43

OK. So now that you are calmer (hollow laugh) ring them, go round, whatever you feel they will be safest with and say

"Now that I am calmer about this morning's antics, I need to tell you this once, and once only. Do not ever take it upon yourselves to do any such thing again. You have left DD looking scalped, you cannot possibly think you have done a good job, you owe her an apology and I think what you did was outrageously entitled. "

Then leave. Tell your DP to man up this time.

Nomama · 12/01/2015 12:43

Ooh! x posted.

So she is an unmitigated self centred pratt then?

FreakinScaryCaaw · 12/01/2015 12:46

I agree with getting as far away from them as possible. And a job with better hours or change childcare arrangements. Awful people who won't be a good influence on your dd.

benfoldsfive · 12/01/2015 12:46

nomama had said it beautifully!

BreconBeBuggered · 12/01/2015 12:50

'if they left it to me it would never get done'

See, that would get the red mist coming down even more than the actual haircut. Who the fuck do they think they are to usurp your role as parent to your child? It implies so much more they might take upon themselves to decide on your behalf in the future.

Original poster
Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 12:50

Oh yes she has her favourites. SIL can do no wrong. They both sit up there slagging everyone else off and whinge about what hard lives they have ( SIL works two mornings a week for 2 hours, all 3 kids are at school, MIL bought her a house, SIL sold it for £175000, MIL converted a barn for SIL to live in all at MILs expense. DP works 365 days a year without a regular wage off MIL. He is outside in all weathers. We paid for our house to be done up ourselves. Sorry completely gone off on a tangent)

She really is a piece of work

OP posts:
Miggsie · 12/01/2015 12:51

I'd seriously consider moving away and going very low or no contact with your in laws - they don't sound like they'll bring much to your lives, other than a lot of grief.

BorisBaby · 12/01/2015 12:52

Get your DD away from them its only a matter of time before they try and turn her against you. My inlaws are utterly evil, the moment we went NC my and DH were instantly happier in fact we haven't had a single argument. Best two years of my life

FreakinScaryCaaw · 12/01/2015 12:52

Can't your DP get another job? What about a fresh start elsewhere?

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 12/01/2015 12:52

I've kicked off before over things and the whole family just completely turned on me

There are deeper issues at play here.

Thats what they will do! its very common, anyone who stands up to mil usually has whole family turn on them....the big thing here is what is DP doing about it.

if it was left to you it would never get done

Then that is how it will be with my child. she will not get done. You should have said - i resent the hair cut and the implications behind it.

I can see I have let things slide here to such a degree you think its OK to hack at MY daughters hair like this - without permission and I must take some responsibility for letting things get this out of control.

NeedABumChange · 12/01/2015 12:53

Isn't it assault to cut someone's hair without permission? And I'd expect that with a minor the permission has to come from a parent.

I would be very sweet to her and then cut all MILs hair off in her sleep. Who cares if your ex-communicated, they sound awful!

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 12/01/2015 12:55

what you have here is a very common situation.

mil and sil - love affair and son, marginalized and bullied by them.

your dp needs to see the truth of this, and look with birds eye view at his situation, and see it clearly and what steps he can take to resolve this.

he needs to stand up to them..( this may take time, long time if he is not aware)

you need to make it clear to him its unacceptable behaviour and you need to make your boundairoes very .clear

Nomama · 12/01/2015 12:56

Can you get DP to talk to his mum about putting things on a more equitable and legal level? He is working to keep them both but is getting little in return... if I read you right.

I know that this is not so unusual in farming circles, a good friend does similar, but his mum is scrupulously fair to all her kids.

Will DP inherit the farm? Is that seen as his ultimate pay off? Sorry, that really is nosy, but, as I said, I do appreciate that moving and setting up again is hard when you are a farmer.

Original poster
Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 12:58

DP will stand up for me. He has done many times in the past. He has his own cattle here and he can't just go somewhere else and start up. It's not that simple

OP posts:
Greywackejones · 12/01/2015 12:59

I'd go fucking batshit. As you say, she feels entitled. I'd soon disarm her of that notion.

I have no idea why you haven't? (Curious not snippy) not sure being left out seems much of a hardship. Good luck op

WillBeatJanuaryBlues · 12/01/2015 13:02

he also needs to stand up for himself and his family unit.

can you sort out other childcare?

do you own your house?

apart from cattle what else are in twinned

wickedlazy · 12/01/2015 13:04

Yanbu! I would be raging. I cut my ds's hair myself the first time, so I could section of a few locks, (that I tied in the middle with ribbon) one for me, one for dm and one for mil. I tried to make it neat, but took him to hairdressers for first time (got a bit teary too, it was a special thing for me) a few days later so she could tidy it up.

Your dp needs to talk to them and explain what they did was over-bearing, and not their place, and that it upset you as you consider this a special thing that happened without you (yes I know you can't be there for every milestone, but you could have been there for this). And that they owe you an apology.

Original poster
Fleetfoxes · 12/01/2015 13:06

nomama MIL is giving all 3 of her children a share in the land ( BIL already has 30 odd acres and doesn't farm so why he needs another cut is beyond me).

DP is hoping that mil is going to make him a partner in the farm but so far it hasn't happened ( I think SIL has something to do with this)

It really isn't fair but it's an impossible situation. If he throws the towel in what will he do? No one else will farm it, MIL isn't capable. I've told him to call her bluff, work things out fairly, let me have the farm that I've worked so bloody hard for or I'm out of here.' But he won't do it. The farm is just too well established for him to part with it. It's all he's known. It's hard to explain. Its a big risk staying here but it's a big risk leaving too.

She is the sort of person who would cut her nose off to spite her face

OP posts:
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