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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the au pair to eat breakfast in her own time?

238 replies

Mammagaga · 10/01/2015 00:20

The au pair works from 8-10 every morning AIBU to expect that she feeds the baby at 8am instead of leaving her screaming while she makes and eats her own breakfast?!

OP posts:
Roomsdoom · 10/01/2015 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies · 10/01/2015 19:07

Is she coming back? I thought someone said she'd been fired?

expectantmum79 · 10/01/2015 19:55

Before moving in with DH I lived with DS 1 and had £100 pound left each week (I'm a teacher) after paying for bills so I really don't think the au pair is on such a bad deal.

And isn't everyone's baby 'the baby' in their house?

I would be tempted to contact her and reimburse her plane fare so that she doesn't return depending on the contract. I think some people need to give their heads a shake after their unpleasant and judgemental comments.

myfallingstar · 10/01/2015 20:38

When should cinders have her food then

Whocansay · 10/01/2015 20:39

I wouldn't let this person look after a goldfish. She sounds lazy and doesn't have the skills required to look after a small child. I would contact her immediately to sack her. I wouldn't have her back in the house. I would reimburse her return flight cost though.

If the OP had said this was a 'childminder' instead of an 'au pair', she would not have got a slating. It is not a crime to be successful. Some people on here to be suffering from a nasty case of jealousy.

OP, I hope you find a solution soon.

blueshoes · 10/01/2015 22:21

Chunderella, to quote what the BAPAA trade association thinks aupair should do is somewhat laughable as I think you would struggle to find a single aupair who knows what the BAPAA is.

The point is guidance is just guidance whoever or whatever it is coming from. What the BAPAA is saying is just common sense, something you would expect the OP and most aupair employers to evaluate whether or not they have the right childcare in place. On these specific facts, it is perfectly reasonable (as I have explained in my previous post) for the OP to employ an aupair to provide wraparound care for her 18-month old toddler for 2 hours a day.

However, it is not reasonable for the OP to continue to use this particular aupair to look after her child. It would be a good idea to call her and give her aupair an option to voluntarily cancel her plane ticket and not to come back or expect serious performance managing if she does.

fromparistoberlin73 · 10/01/2015 22:38

Yanbu and she is treated well

You need to have a 'talk' and start looking for a replacement possibly

Any sensible girl would get it ! If family are complaining ....not looking to good

fromparistoberlin73 · 10/01/2015 22:56

Local to me are a lot of East European girls ( now married with kids) that started in the UK as au pairs. It's a great way to find you feet, learn the language assuming a kind family ! OP there are other fish in the sea I say . And the way people make such inferences , unkind

nottonightjoesphine · 11/01/2015 01:15

Take the baby and the other children out of this equation for a minute and apply some bloody common sense. Who the hell arrives at work and then immediately starts preparing a meal? It's completely irrelevant that this au pair lives with the OP- completely and utterly irrelevant. You don't rock up for a £12ph shift and start making yourself a leisurely breakfast on your employers time. The fact that she does it in front of a hungry screaming baby is only further proof that the au pair is fucking dick

Chunderella · 11/01/2015 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dowser · 11/01/2015 08:40

Hi mama gaga I'm sorry you are getting a hard time here as I think you are being more than fair with your au pair.

Here's my take on this. I had a lot of help with my children when they were pre school age. I was present most of the time but sometimes I wasn't as I wasn't well. I had some lovely girls helping me , some I'm still friendly with and some nightmares.

I had one in particular where when she was around my child that had the most challenging behaviour would often have little accidents. One particular one was when he came in screaming and she told me he had caught his fingers in the car door.

Another time my husband came home from work and him and this girl were putting the children in their car seats and she slapped my child.

She was told not to come back.

If she is doing that in front of a parent what was she doing when we were out of ear shot...ie the car door slam incident.

My gut feeling is if you were to set up a baby cam I think you might be horrified to find that she was being rough with your child or downright cruel. If she is not feeding your child thats cruel . If shes not doing that in front of your 11 year old who can tell you what is she doing to your screaming baby when the others are in their rooms getting dressed.

She isn't suitable for baby minding. Let her go. She might be ok with a toddler but definitely no child younger than that.

Another suggestion is to pay someone to come to your home at 8 to do those duties. My friend went back to work and got a much older lady whose only responsibility was to play and take care of the baby in my friends home. My DIL would jump at the chance to earn £120 for ten hours work.

Your au pair is taking you for a ride and is cruel to boot .

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/01/2015 17:59

the ap (who shouldnt really be looking after under 2's sole charge, but thats another thread) Grin

why cant you/the ap put 18mth in highchair and the child feed theirselves Hmm

i have 15mth twins and they have been stuffing toast/bagels in their mouth alone for the past 4+mths ie from under a year, plus can kinda feed theirselves with porridge etc with a bit of help

i make twins toast, and we eat together, tho 7.30am as 8am seems late if all need to be out of the door for school and then to the cm

maybe you need op, to start the morning routine a bit earlier and wake up 18mth at 7,30am and have all 3 children sitting down eating breakie for when the ap starts at 8am

bakingaddict · 11/01/2015 18:36

Mydeliah I wasn't insinuating that the au pair wasn't on anything but a good deal. My point was to show that in general earning terms the au pair was being paid generously by the OP for the 2hrs a day she is actually needed.

I have known mums to employ au pairs to do the evening shift but then they have been free to have a job in a coffee shop in the day-time or to go to college but I was told they were only being paid £80 a week with room and meals included. I wasn't in any way bashing the OP

Inertia · 11/01/2015 20:20

Ok, well this au pair clearly has no idea about basic human needs so shouldn't be in charge of children.

As a parent I would prioritise nappy change and feeding the baby over washing and dressing the baby — surely makes more sense for a parent to do the breakfast as soon as they get the baby up, then au pair can wash and dress baby after breakfast.

blueshoes · 11/01/2015 22:11

Chunderella, you are clearly fixated on the BAPAA guidance, an irrelevancy in the aupair world, both among aupairs as well as employers. But suit yourself.

You have also contradicted yourself. You agree that the problem is with the aupair - thank god you see that. Even if the OP's toddler was 2 years and a month and hence within your guidance, this would still have been a problem.

BetterDay · 11/01/2015 22:37

She can eat before or after her shift - or while the baby doesn't need a cuddle, change or feed.

crumblebumblebee · 11/01/2015 22:55

OP was always going to be entering a losing battle with this one due to having committed the cardinal sin of MN....having an au pair.

Exhibit a; "cinders"

Laughable!

tara49 · 12/01/2015 01:55

£5000 - I want one!
you are paying her -just tell her what you want to happen and discuss

Violettatrump · 12/01/2015 03:47

Knock her up at 7 telling her she needs to eat before you leave because she will be feeding the baby and kids at 8 on the dot.

Reddottys12 · 12/01/2015 04:28

Wow, a lot of people being very judgemental about the OP having an au pair!

Chunderella · 12/01/2015 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

engeika · 12/01/2015 09:50

Definitely YANBU.

You would be better off getting a new au pair or alternative childcare arrangements. This is not good for the baby or your other DCs.

You pay her well AND give her travel, accommodation, food.. For that she should be up and organised by 7.30 and take the baby from you at 8. All should be calm.

Get rid of her. Anyone who would treat my kids like that would not be staying in my house.

girliefriend · 12/01/2015 09:59

Am really sorry I haven't had time to RTFT however just wanted to check why you need the au pair if only using her for 2 hours a day? Most cms will take from 7.30-8am, would be cheaper as well I would have thought.

I would look into cms or a nursery for the amount of childcare you need.

Ems1812 · 12/01/2015 10:06

Your Au Pair sounds horrible & cruel. To actually sit & let a baby scream with hunger whilst putting your own needs first is awful. I seriously would consider letting her go, she's selfish & should not be left around children.

engeika · 12/01/2015 10:12

These Cinderella comments are just stupid.

£12 per hour is above min wage, (and more than many of use get on here).

She gets food, bills, transport and a room as well - tax free(?). (Value - at least £400 per week in central London) AND she is free to work all day and evening in any field she chooses the rest of the time. She is way better off than most youngsters and than many MN posters in terms of disposable income.