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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be freaking out? Stressed DH about to walk out of new job after first week.

68 replies

redpickle · 09/01/2015 16:19

I suspect he is depressed.

He is adamant that he doesn't have the skills or knowledge to do the job. He was at previous place for 15 years and doesn't cope well with change.

I'm scared he will end up having a breakdown if he stays but how the hell will we pay the mortgage on our beautiful home. I don't want our DC to lose their wonderful, safe home

Please give me advice. Sitting here shaking and in tears. Called FIL who is coming over tonight but he started crying too so not a huge help.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 09/01/2015 16:21

Poor bloke. He sounds in a dreadful state and I'm sure you're concerned primarily with his safety rather than your home and mortgage.

Original poster

redpickle · 09/01/2015 16:22

Yes, as I said I'm scared he will end up having a breakdown.

Don't think it's unreasonable not to want to be homeless at the same time though

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 09/01/2015 16:23

So how much do you earn? What will your family income be? What are his prospects for getting another job? Do you have no savings?

tbh I think yabu, sometimes a job is wrong for an individual.

YoniMitchell · 09/01/2015 16:26

A week? 15 years is a v long time in a job, he needs to give himself time to get into his new role. I'm sure he wouldn't have been given the job if they didn't think he could do it. Can you give him some encouragement rather than stress about the mortgage?

Greywackejones · 09/01/2015 16:26

Call him on the Bull shit. He's got a cv detailing why he's right. He was interviewed. Possibly twice or three times. Probably by different people.

He's likely scared and nervous. He barely knows where the loo or stationary cupboard is. He's panicking. Thinking everyone whose been there longer is better. If he gives details I bet you we can sort you out some answers to help you help him. At least something to counter act his negativity.

Everyone feels like this at some point of a new role. Many of us still do when we are actually doing it too!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/01/2015 16:29

He needs to get a grip - even if the job is wrong, he can't walk out after a week. If he genuinely hates it after a couple of months, then he can look for something else.

He is massively out of his comfort zone, which is of course scary but you can't just run out of a job when you have a home to run and a family to support.

I would say the same to anyone, male or female.

MaryWestmacott · 09/01/2015 16:30

why did he move jobs? 15 years is a long time, if he doesn't cope well with change, this could just be panicking.

Can you agree he'll look for another job but not walk out until he's lined something else up? Can he contact his old job and say he's not happy in the new one, would they take him back?

Sit him down, you have bills to pay, if he's really not coping, you can look for solutions - he can go to the doctors, look for a new job, not just give up and turn a problem into a crisis.

Original poster

redpickle · 09/01/2015 16:32

I've been nothing but encouraging. I've told him he's doing the right thing. He's had no induction, no handover. They're sending him to three different locations in the US and Canada next week.

I work part time and bring home about £15k p.a which covers bills. We can pay the mortgage for about 3 months.

I'm just scared. Thanks to those of you who have been constructive. As I said I am in panic mode.

Oh, also he has epilepsy which has been under control for 3 years but triggered by stress and lack of sleep so that's a major concern too.

OP posts:

RC1234 · 09/01/2015 16:33

Is there a possibility that he could return to his old job. It might be worth him asking - if there is not then it might help him focus on his new one.

Original poster

redpickle · 09/01/2015 16:35

I asked him about going back on Tuesday when he was sat here crying and he said he couldn't face the humiliation.

He might see things differently now though.

New job is with people he knew from old job who left and started new company.

OP posts:

flowery · 09/01/2015 16:36

What on earth has happened during week one for him to think he suddenly doesn't have the skills or knowledge required? Have they genuinely changed the job so significantly since he applied, or is he just saying that and actually just freaking out at the change he is going through. They are actually very different things.

BIWI · 09/01/2015 16:36

Why did he move? Has he moved into a more challenging role?

Do you work?

How is he justifying the idea of walking out after a week? He must realise that it's stupid and very irrational, surely?

And why on earth is his FIL crying?!

Sounds like you need to try and calm the whole situation down. No point all of you sitting there in tears!

Please don't think I'm not sympathetic, but it sounds like there's a lot of hysteria going on, which isn't going to help you get anywhere.

You need to talk it all through calmly, and come up with some kind of a plan - together.

Don't lay any more pressure on him by you and FIL crying all over him. That's really not going to help.

SquinkiesRule · 09/01/2015 16:37

My Dh acted this way in his new job 10 years ago. He'd been in the same job for 20 years and saw the writing on the wall and he either changed jobs at his own pace or he'd find himself laid off off when the old company went under.
He struggled/cried/ had anxiety attacks poor sod.
He does have some issues with sensory and he's somewhere on the autism spectrum but once settled and comfortable with the surrounding he does really well.
Your Dh needs have to stick with it for at least a month or two, longer the better, he'll find where everything is and get comfy.
My Dh found having a small note book and writing everything, he made himself lots of notes, I think he went through 4 or 5 note books before he stopped writing things down.

BIWI · 09/01/2015 16:37

His DF, sorry. Not his FIL!

Original poster

redpickle · 09/01/2015 16:39

It's a big step up. He had lots of 'informal chats' but I don't think they actually interviewed him properly.

It's IT and the company have no clue, they've assumed it's all just 'computers' and he will know everything.

OP posts:

notonyourninny · 09/01/2015 16:39

Poor bloke, he sounds in a really bad way. nothing practical to add.

InfinitySeven · 09/01/2015 16:39

You need to talk to him, and find out if this is nerves, or if it's actually wrong.

I started a new job last year, and after a day or so, knew that it was totally wrong. Everyone told me to stick it out, that it was nerves, and it would get better. It didn't. I've got a new job now, but it had a huge effect on my health, and took a few months to get over. I'm in a new job now, and much happier.

You need to decide whether he is out of his depth and he knows that he made a mistake, or if it is nerves, and it might get better. That is difficult.

You are also going to need to work out a plan for if this goes wrong. How long could you survive? If he gets signed off sick, does he get full pay or SSP, and if SSP, could you survive on that if it becomes necessary?

An agreement that he won't leave until he has another job lined up is a good idea, but it may start impacting on his health, and he may struggle to find another job in this state of mind.

Can he go back to his old job?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/01/2015 16:39

How senior is he?

In some industries it is very common to just throw people in the deep end - DH is in IT and started a new job on Monday. He was in front of his new customer scoping out their new project with them by 1pm that afternoon.

GreenPetal94 · 09/01/2015 16:41

Can he go back to the old job. You would be surprised how often that is possible if not long after he left.

NancyRaygun · 09/01/2015 16:42

I would: Tell him to break down his worries/tasks into sentences, list them out and discuss each one in turn. Calmly.
Then I would advise that you say to him: yep, the job is not right for you, leave. But you cannot leave them in the lurch after only a week. So lets get job hunting and you do a month there. Let go of the pressure: you WILL leave. If you fuck up who cares. You are leaving: Just not yet.

Build his confidence. He will achieve, he just needs to think about separate, achievable, tasks not the huge overwhelming pressure of NEW JOB with RESPONSIBILITIES.

Anything on the list he really cannot achieve or doesn't understand he must talk to his boss. That is a management problem.

My DH goes into complete panic mode when he thinks he has made a mistake at work. He feels high pressure as he is the only earner. I think that doesn't help. But I have learned how to talk him down over the years and a week later all is well usually.

Maybe take steps to get a financial safety net (once this panic is over) so that your DH has a buffer - a months wages - just in case.

Original poster

redpickle · 09/01/2015 16:42

Yep, exactly like that Ali! He started at 9 and server went down at 11 and they were looking at him to hop to it. He didn't even know where the toilet was.

Yes it's a senior role.

It's the travelling and this unexpected project that has freaked him out. They never mentioned it until the day he started.

OP posts:

chipshop · 09/01/2015 16:43

He definitely needs to give it longer than a week, poor guy. New jobs can be terrifying and it can take quite a while to bed in. But he's been hired for a reason, with people who have worked with him before, so it sounds like he's very much up to the job.

Agree that you and FIL need to remain calm, no hysteria and try and coax him through. Lots of reassurance and confidence building. He needs to give it a good go. DP really coaxed me through my big step up now I come to think of it, I needed hand-holding for quite a while as it was scary!

Good luck.

Newrule · 09/01/2015 16:43

I suggest you use a coaching approach to help him see that he can manage this situation. Telling him and reasoning with him seems unlikely to work.

From an objective point of view, we all get a bit of nerves in a new job and doubt our ability at first. This is a healthy human response to a strange/new situation. It is helping him get to that objective point and then helping him to come up with strategies to hang on in there.

It is highly unlikely that he is not up for the job.

CLJ52 · 09/01/2015 16:44

I was in this situation (a good few years ago now). I'd been headhunted from a job I was happy in, and the opportunities described were just too good to turn down. First day with the new company was the worst. I didn't know I'd be replacing someone who had been demoted THAT MORNING and when I got there he was still clearing his/my desk. Everyone hated me for taking his job. As well as that, it was utter chaos. No systems or processes or support system. My promised company car hadn't arrived and no one had organised a hire car - just everything was wrong.

Second day I went back to my old boss and begged her to take me back. She said to stick it out for a month and if I still hated it I could come back. As it worked out, I decided to stay in the new role and it all worked out well. It was probably the toughest but most valuable learning experience ever.

Could you come to an agreement with your OH that if he still feels the same after one or two weeks then he can leave? He really should give it a fair chance. First days are always stressful - even with good companies.

If he really can't stomach it, you have a few months to organise something.

Hope it all works out for you both.

Voiceoffstage · 09/01/2015 16:49

Hello Redpickle
I can understand your concerns. It is natural to be concerned for your family's safety and well-being as well as your husband's.

I suspect that it's not just your husband who is panicking here though.

As others have said, 1 week is no time at all in a new job. He's not just learning a new job, he's also making new working relationships, learning about the 'culture' of his new work-place, where everything it etc. It is perfectly normal for your husband would be wondering if he's made a terrible mistake!

I suggest that you and your husband need to sit down to talk calmly, remind yourselves of the reasons why he left his last job and the benefits of his new one. You could encourage him to think about people at work who could help him make new friends-introduce him to others that kind of thing.

Perhaps he could think back 15 years and remember how he felt when he started his previous job? I'll bet he felt similar to how he feels now.

Take care x

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