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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be freaking out? Stressed DH about to walk out of new job after first week.

68 replies

redpickle · 09/01/2015 16:19

I suspect he is depressed.

He is adamant that he doesn't have the skills or knowledge to do the job. He was at previous place for 15 years and doesn't cope well with change.

I'm scared he will end up having a breakdown if he stays but how the hell will we pay the mortgage on our beautiful home. I don't want our DC to lose their wonderful, safe home Hmm

Please give me advice. Sitting here shaking and in tears. Called FIL who is coming over tonight but he started crying too so not a huge help.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 09/01/2015 16:49

Infinity I couldn't agree more. Sometimes you make a career move and everything screams at you that it's wrong, and you know very quickly. And if you ignore those feelings you can become very ill.

I thought MN was pretty big on trusting your instincts.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/01/2015 16:50

If they've changed the goalposts then he needs to talk to them - request that he can have a budget to have a short term contractor for a couple of months to deal with some routine things while he gets on top of everything. Surely if he is senior, he isn't also meant to be cranking the server back to life when it dies??

JohnQuig · 09/01/2015 16:51

To all those people telling him to "get a grip" - how about shutting the fuck up? You quite clearly don't know what you're talking about, you insufferable frigs.

OP - your husband needs someone to talk to, clearly, maybe a therapist could help? At this moment in time your "lovely house" should be the least of your concerns when your husband's health is at stake.

To all the other posters - I guarantee if this was a woman in his position, you'd all be really supportive and not saying "get a grip".

ilovesooty · 09/01/2015 16:52

JohnQuig some of us agree...

dixiechick1975 · 09/01/2015 16:53

Can FIL mind the kids and you go somewhere to speak properly maybe to a quiet pub.

After 15 years it must be a huge shock to the system.

Can you pick up slack home/kidswise for a bit so he can get more rest if you are worried re his epilepsy.

Alternatively can you pick up more hours if money is the main worry and maybe relieve the pressure on him a bit that way.

heygoldfish · 09/01/2015 16:54

I would have phrased it politer but essentially I agree with John.

heygoldfish · 09/01/2015 16:54

I would have phrased it more politely but essentially I agree with John.

heygoldfish · 09/01/2015 16:55

Sorry Blush

JohnnyAlucard · 09/01/2015 16:55

I can see where he is coming from the first week at a new job is always very difficult. As others have mentioned you dont know the people of specific processes at the new job and it can ve very daunting.

As Nancyraygun says he needs to look around for another job but in the meantime take each day and task one at a time, each little victory he manages is a step towards a larger one.

Hopefully a month from now he'll look back on this and wonder what he was so worried about.
good luck to both of you.

NancyRaygun · 09/01/2015 16:56

Did anyone say he should just get a grip???

I thought these posts had been really supportive...

Most people recognise that feeling of being completely overwhelmed and fucking panicked in a new job/role/task.

I feel nothing but sympathy for the DH - but I bet he will actually be fine. Especially if he has the cojones to say "this place is being badly run. I need some settling in time to do a proper job here!"

Palooza · 09/01/2015 16:56

is there any way at all you could go with him on the trips to the US/Canada?

JohnQuig · 09/01/2015 16:57

Thanks, heygoldfish

Probably should have been more eloquent but as someone with stress-induced epilepsy myself, it really gets up my goat to hear people saying "get a grip".

JohnQuig · 09/01/2015 16:58

nancyraygun

Two people on the front page both said pretty much the same - he needs to cut the bullshit. And the poster alibaba said he needs to get a grip.

heygoldfish · 09/01/2015 16:59

Indeed.

The absolute worst thing someone unwell through stress can hear is 'what about the house'.

If you love and trust him, allow him the space and freedom to 'wobble.'

Original poster
redpickle · 09/01/2015 17:12

I've not said anything about the house TO HIM. I've said it on here because it's one of my many worries, the first of which is his mental health and his physical health but I'm also worried about security and my children.

Thanks so much, so many lovely comments. Yes, the epilepsy does put a different angle on things and I do t think he can just be told to 'get a grip' or 'cut the bullshit'.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 09/01/2015 17:18

Have they asked him to do intercontinental travel in his second week, having not mentioned travel was required? That's terrible, that alone is enough to stress anyone out.

Hamiltoes · 09/01/2015 17:18

ilovesooty while I agree his mental health/ safety is an important factor, I have first hand experience of this.

DH phoned his boss on Sunday morning and told him he wouldn't be coming back on Monday.

He said he was depressed in his job, he absolutely hated it and I was sympathetic. I was about 20 weeks pregnant at the time. My income just covered mortgage and bills, and we had £40 per week left over for everything else. Can you imagine the mental stare of my husband after 3 months of this? Do you not consider how the guilt ate him up inside? After 1 month I could hardly get him out of bed in the morning. Does it make me a bad person to admit I resented him and what he had put us through? To start with he tried looking for a job, hes a manual worker and it was very much "come in tomorrow" type thing. I particularly remember one morning making his packed lunch, and sending him off with a kiss as he left. His phone started ringing and he hadn't even made it to the end of the road before he was told not to bother going in.

This put unbelievable strain on our marriage and both our emotions. By the time i was on maternity leave i was snappy and horrible to him. Having no money for anything for 3 months can do this to you.

Anyway I don't know if this will change your opinion but please realise, having no security, nothing to get up for in the mornings, no money and constant worries that you are one emergency away from becoming homeless is not exactly good for the mental health either.

I hope your husband does not quit without finding another job OP. And I wish him the best of luck finding another job soon Brew

Greywackejones · 09/01/2015 17:23

He does need to get a grip. He's in panic mode. That's fight or flight adrenaline. Therapists take too long.

He's had a few chats. It's relatively senior. He's being asked to create the role. Well, lists are going to be his friend. Does he have access to any administrator? He isn't going to do this alone. Staff? That will alter what he does and what he delegates.

My advice is to do a spidergram. Write in the middle the goal. "Set up office with computers".

How do you do that? Money. Put that in a bubble to one corner of the page. Link to middle. How does he get money? Processes/procedure/sign offs. Bubble that. What equipment? PC? Laptop? Printers? Bubble that linking back. Software? Licences?

Next corner; role link back to the goal. What's he need? Job description? He might have to write this. In startups it's common. Bubble that, link back. Whose he need to meet? Finance director? Ops director? Hr? These mtgs need organising. Induction? Bubble that. He needs logins, area to work, laptop, basic info like how to do expenses. Does he have a secretary? No? Yes? Partial? Security passes? Who does he need to befriend? (The assistants will guide, but pick the right ones! Eg the finance directors, ops directors etc. draw links in) stationary? Post? Which clients does he need to know? Which processes? How? Bubble link bubble link

Slowly the picture emerges. I've done this very high level. It works. And because it's "fag packet" drawing you get answers quickly as the brain leaps about.

He can make lists off this and lists mean stuff gets done. Done stuff gets ticked. He feels reassured.

Worth a shot anyway.

Yarp · 09/01/2015 17:23

I think Nancy's post was the approach that would work for me

I have fragile mental health and am a bit of a panicer

Greywackejones · 09/01/2015 17:29

And get a grip/cut bull often mean calm down. Reassess. Slow breaths. Think more. They are common business phrases used to halt a large issue or emotion. Here panic.

It might be too big, too much. Too something. But you need to know if he's thinking this through and its actual knowledge or he's just running and screaming from a challenge which means halting the negative cycle. Fast. Hence the phrases people (me inc) used.

Icimoi · 09/01/2015 17:30

It must be incredibly stressful having all of that dropped on him and being expected to cope when he just doesn't know enough about the firm, the systems, etc. It's a very different thing, but I can remember once having just moved offices within the same firm and encountering a situation where I had really urgent stuff to deal with, none of the systems worked as we had no functioning phone, fax or email and the office was in chaos anyway from the move: when IT were totally unhelpful to me I just burst into tears from the stress of it. I felt a total idiot at the time but it was overwhelming. So I can imagine just a fraction of what your DH is feeling.

All I can suggest is that he asks for an urgent meeting on Monday morning, preferably involving HR, and sits down and talks to them about the lack of induction and the fact that they are dropping things on him that he had no reason to expect. He should ask them for a sensible induction process and a plan for dealing with these projects which is doable - and if that involves getting someone else to do some of it and putting off the visits abroad, so be it.

heygoldfish · 09/01/2015 17:35

Get a grip does not mean calm down.

neepsandtatties · 09/01/2015 17:41

He can also break down his immediate stresses into small achievable steps. Intercontinental travel to a client he has never met, to discuss a IT system he knows nothing about sounds very scary to me (and I have to do things like that in my job). How I cope is I break it up into small steps:
Packing for the trip? - fine, I can do that
Ordering the taxi to airport? - fine, I can do that
Getting taxi to airport? - fine, I can do that
Checking in, travelling on plane? - fine, I can do that
Taxi from airport to hotel? - fine, I can do that
Overnight in hotel? - fine, I can do that
Taxi to client's office next morning? - fine, I can do that
Meeting client? - absolutely bricking it, BUT I won't let myself worry about that, because until I go in, I'm still focussing on the 'taxi to the office next morning' step.

Of the whole trip, there will only about 4 hours of it that are worth worrying about, so he should just focus on the bits he can do, in small achievable steps, rather than the big picture of "Oh-my-god-I-have-to-go-to-America-by-myself-to-meet-a-client-I-don't-know-to-talk-about-a-project-I-know-nothing-about" panic.

Works for me!

Original poster
redpickle · 09/01/2015 17:42

He was told it would be setting up London first, then The rest once that's settled. Monday morning they changed all that!

He thinks it's all his fault for takin the role. I think they have to accept some responsibility for moving the goal posts and not giving induction or any kind of settling in help. He has nobody and to make things worse, apart from the people he already knew, nobody really talks to him Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
redpickle · 09/01/2015 17:51

He also has a 2hr each way commute, which he's done for years but when you're struggling in the job too it's even worse.

OP posts:
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