To be freaking out? Stressed DH about to walk out of new job after first week.

[redpickle]

I suspect he is depressed.

He is adamant that he doesn't have the skills or knowledge to do the job. He was at previous place for 15 years and doesn't cope well with change.

I'm scared he will end up having a breakdown if he stays but how the hell will we pay the mortgage on our beautiful home. I don't want our DC to lose their wonderful, safe home

Please give me advice. Sitting here shaking and in tears. Called FIL who is coming over tonight but he started crying too so not a huge help.

Calm down means calm down. Get a grip and cut the bullshit are angry and agressive. Not what someone suffering from stress or anxiety of any sort needs.

I was once where this man is. I moved jobs because I needed to earn more money and knew almost straight after I had walked into the new office that it was a huge mistake. Instead of being a respected member of the office administration team, as I had been used to at my previous company, I was reduced to little more than a skivvy. It is hard to explain, but the men running the company were from another country. They treated their women very differently to what I had been used to (more like servants). A week or so later, I happened to be speaking to the office security guard and found out that a lot of candidates had taken up the role before me and had walked out because of the way they felt they were treated. The employment agency who had been introducing the candidates was also starting to complain because with the candidates being constantly disillusioned and driven away they were not getting their fees. I had to leave or I would have gone insane. It wasn't going to end well.

Talking calmly to your husband about why he feels the way he does is the best way forward. Take his worries on board. It might just be a crisis of confidence, as a new job is always a huge learning curve, or it might be that he really regrets leaving his old job with its familiarity. He really wouldn't be the first to ever want to move back to what he knows best. I don't think there is any shame in making an approach to his former employer.

Good luck. I hope the discussion is informative for you all.

Yes but that's also two hours to plan. Two hours to write. Two hours to think. That's two hours transition time from office to home.

It's all in the way it's said.

Yes, he left because he/we were struggling financially.

I know you want to keep your nice house but his health is worth more. Can he swallow his pride and try and get his old job back and you could make up the difference by finding full time work or a second job therefore sharing the financial burden.

He has agreed to approach his former employer. Hoping he get some support there. Who knows what their response will be after a week.

Our house really isn't that lovely, it's just that it's the childrens home! It's not about 'stuff' but security

I think people are being a bit harsh judging the OP for worrying about her home. Honestly, would it not be one of the first thoughts for most people? She's clearly very worried about her DH too, but as an adult responsible for children she's also going to worry about where her children would live, their lives without the security of DHs salary. That doesn't make her a bad person, just a responsible parent.

I really hope his previous employers can help. Fingers crossed.

He's panicking, which is understandable. He can't see the wood for the trees right now through complete and utter fear.

You need to talk him through everything. What is it that's really thrown him? It sounds as if it's the unexpected US trip? Is the actual work involved really that different from the UK? What are the expectations for these meetings?

Talk through the process of travelling first. Break it down into stages like already mentioned. Then, talk about the actual work part. What will happen at these meetings? Who will he meet? What are the expectations? Is there anyone else from the company who will be going with him? What is their role? What may seem completely overwhelming in it's entirety, may well become manageable when looked at in it's separate parts.

Do this over the weekend and then he should ask for a meeting first thing on monday to discuss things. It sounds as if he's gone from a position of some responsibility, but not the current 'the buck stops with him' responsibility. That can be scary and I bet that's what's at the root of his anxiety.

He needs to calm down. Think things through. Make a plan. You need to help him. As soon as he starts to do this he will gain some control and feel better. Once he's at this point he'll be better set to properly assess the task ahead.

Also, I second the idea of approaching his old work place. If he has the security of knowing he has a back up plan, then he may well calm down and be able to take on the challenge of his new role.

redpickle we posted together last Sunday about new job nerves.

I've had a hard week too. Really hard - to the point where I considered I'd done the wrong thing. But... it's the hardest time of year to start a new job I think. Dark mornings, dark evenings, post Xmas exhaustion. Everyone's wired after a fortnight of no routine.

I've eased up on myself, eaten whatever the hell I want to eat, let a few things go to pot round the house and have wobbled through just about.

Getting some advice/reassurance from the old employer will be great. Good luck.

Also, I second the idea of approaching his old work place. If he has the security of knowing he has a back up plan, then he may well calm down and be able to take on the challenge of his new role

I third this. We had someone start at my place not too long ago. It was clear my bosses had sold her a pup. She obviously hated it, she'd been taken on as an office manager but at our place that was more of a general dogsbody and gopher dressed up with a fancy title. She phoned her old place on the Tuesday (started on a Monday) and by Thursday had gone back to her previous job leaving only apologies and a box of chocs in her wake.

redpickle I feel for you and your dh, he sounds overwhelmed and seized with fear. I went back to work after more than 5+ years as a SAHM and my new role was a 'the buck stops here with me' kind of position. The responsibility was totally paralysing. I was also responsible for a team of people's jobs - basically if I fucked up it wasn't just me who would suffer.

I had sleepless nights and many mornings of what I can only describe as naked fear heading in, not least the fear I would be 'found out' as lacking in my ability to do the job. I did not know where anything was and discovered the organisation was ailing on lots of levels and this was the reason the previous person left in a hurry.

As someone up the thread said, lists became my friend and allowed me to start to weave the thread of the role together. I wrote down all the things that struck me as needing to be done and then tried to prioritise them. Slowly, little by little the real desperate fear receeded and one day I realised that I no longer dreaded going in.

I think even in times of mental panic it is very important to build a good healthy relationship with colleagues - they can really help when the chips are down if the will is there.

It is such early days for him. He will be ok if he can harness the panic a bit into some semblence of a constructive plan of action for himself.

I thought I was about to walk out, that the task ahead was too much but I am glad I stayed - the organisation is in a very strong position now and we had a fantastic external review recently so it has boosted my confidence no end.

That's the thing - if he can crack it, his confidence will soar.

Fingers crossed that his former employer is understanding and can help.

It sounds as though he is definitely regretting the move, and with the trips to the US & Canada coming so soon he probably feels as though he has been left to sink or swim all on his own. If he can get back to something he is more comfortable with then it would be very helpful.

I went back to work last year following a 15 year gap to bring up my three children. No chance of being able to go back to my former employment after all that time. I remember being very nervous about it, and definitely had a crisis of confidence after so long away. I was also worried that my office experience would now be too far out of date and I would struggle.

I had no other option though, and certainly found it a steep learning curve. At times I worried that it would be too much for me to learn. It didn't turn out that way, and I am enjoying it. I am just saying that I am familiar with some of the type of fear he may be experiencing, both from my past experience and from relatively recently.

Is the visit to see clients or meet colleagues in different locations?

Is it a start up? What I mean he has to set up IT infrastructure for his office in UK and they are expecting him to learn from those visits so that everything is standarised?

I have known a number of guys who, for one reason or another, came back to a job they left within one month (nb I mean "guys" - they were all male). In every case the reason was the same - the job they went for wasn't the one they were given. It looks like your DH is another one of these.

If his old firm will have him back (& why wouldn't they - it'll be a better bet that recruiting an unknown to replace him), then I would advise him to say to his current bosses "Sorry guys it's not working for me. Nice knowing you, bye."

If the old firm won't, then he'll have to tough it out while looking for something else ASAP.

Grey gave some excellent advice - please do try and encourage your DH to follow it over the weekend.

A two pronged plan is a good idea, and if he can reason this out over the weekend, with the added reassurance of a get out plan, he may find matters resolve themselves.

I've often found that it's about the way you approach the job rather than what you actually know. One person will say 'it can't be done oh I'm a failure this is awful etc etc' where another would say 'well, the problem is X which is significant because it will have X impact, and here are two routes to solve it' laying out two plans that they know they can do, harnessing extra resource, planning and knowledge rather than stumbling blindly through.

I try to be the latter but naturally am the former, but I've seen enough of my colleagues model more constructive behaviour so I can do a fair impression. I need to take hold of myself before I spiral out of control in fear and panic though.