WIBU to consider writing to every man in the world

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

To inform them all (probably leave Dh out of the round robin) that I do not want to have sex with them unless and until further formal notice from me?

As it seems that there is such confusion among so many people about the nature of consent I want to avoid putting any of them in the terribly awkward position of wondering whether simply being in the same room as them means they are invited to stick their dick in me.
So is that an unreasonable proposition?

Have you read the thread samcro.

I can see you don't understand the OP, and it was clearly super subtle and you actually thought therealamanda was going to be sending everyone a letter...

But did you read all the posts after explaining what was actually meant?

I can try explaining by way of song or interpretative dance if you think it would help?

Oh dear. This thread! I can't quite believe that so many posters have accused the OP of thinking everyone wants sex with her and can't manage to work out what she actually meant.

I despair!

yeah sexist shite like this makes me despair.

Sexism makes me despair too samcro it's so prevalent. You're a feminist I take it right? The constant assumption a woman who leaves the house is "available", the advertising that implies women are sex objects or everyone's mother

It really gets you down.

Eagerly awaiting my postmans visit tomorrow

I was surprised by that too U2. Ppl saying it meant I thought I am irresistible.
I was prepared to be accused of saying that all men are rapists. Even though that is not what I am saying. I was prepared for some obtuse replies (thank fuck) but not that one.

How ridiculous, OP.

Clearly if your wimmin's intuition was working properly, you'd recognise the rapists when you saw them. No need to write a letter when all you have to do is avoid dressing scantily and walking down dark alleys late at night.

On a serious note, how must it feel for victims of rape to have it implied that they should somehow have known that their attackers were rapists ? Not every man rapes but no woman can tell whether someone's husband or son or nephew is going to be that man so surely it's entirely sensible to educate all men on what rape is and how they can avoid being a rapist.

And for all of you talking about the men you know, Natasha Massey continues to assert that her boyfriend is not a rapist. I suspects she feels the same confidence in making that statement that some of you do. Funny that.

Yy fuckoffgerbil it does.

Feel free to send that letter.
Expect and equally sardonic response from me.

I suspect that if someone was determined to rape you that they would, and then they would say in court that your consent was given by the fact that you did it. or claim that you had rescinded your letter and given consent verbally.

I thought most rapes were by partners.
I don't get written consent before each and every time, does this make me a rapist? - I suppose I assume that consent is given unless she says that she's not in the mood.
But i suppose it wouldnt be nice to tell dh that i never wanted sex with him unless i asked specifically.
So are you saying that your default position is one of consent inside your marriage? Does a positive answer to that question mean that you could never be raped by your spouse, because it'd be in writing?

If you believe that then you haven't rad or understood my posts notauniqueuser

i never said consent had to be in writing.

The part about sex and consent in marriage is interesting though.
It is of course true that many ppl are assaulted or raped by their partners.
My reason for omitting dh from my "round robin" of consent withholding was that we do have a sexual relationship, so a note (or email- i can see the sense in that, more efficient and probably cheaper) telling him I did not want sex unless otherwise stated might upset him. So I think we will just stick to the tried and trusted ways we have of communicating with each other.

And i am waiting for those sardonic responses

I thought most rapes were by partners.I don't get written consent before each and every time, does this make me a rapist? - I suppose I assume that consent is given unless she says that she's not in the mood.

So do you surprise your wife by shoving a cock in her? Because yes, that is rape. Sorry to be the one to tell you this. If there is a continual lead up to that in which you are given enthusiastic consent. "yes, yes, yes, oh that's the spot". Then no, that is not rape.

Assuming consent is pretty fucking stupid though. What makes you think you have the right? Because you once had sex with her? What if you split up, would you assume it of the new girlfriend? How many times do you have to have sex before you decide you can shove your dick in without question?

Women waking up to a man already having sex with her is mentioned frequently by very upset women. It is rape. As Julian Assange could probably tell you

no of course you never said that consent had to be in writing.

You said that in sending a letter you'd at least remind people that they did not have consent,

Fair enough,

You say that consent needs to be positive consent, not just inferred because you didn't say no.

Again fair enough.

You then went on to say how diminishing it'd be to your love live if you had to discuss whether you were happy to have sex with your DH.

Again, fair enough.

but that does leave you in a position of saying that inside your marriage you are happy with what you refer to as implied consent,

the problem is that if you are happy to say that there is implied consent, (and that given your DH the ability to come onto you naturally, as opposed to asking if you're happy to continue.)
then how could you ever be able to claim spousal rape?

(I'm aware that you can rescind implied consent by saying any number of things from No, to I'm not in the mood, not tonight, not with you, or even a non verbal physical action, and sex after that would be rape).

But the point was that you're basically writing here DH doesn't have to ask.
which goes against the idea that consent has to be positive, not just a lack of negative.

Yes. I do expect my dh to understand that my consent is not implied simply by my not saying "no"
If am asleep, or unable to speak because i am putting the kids to bed or on the phone to my mum, I might not be able to tell him i am not in the mood. But i wouldn't expect the absence of that sentence to mean consent.
For clarity, we rely on verbal and non verbal cues. It is subtle, yet clear and, I believe, used by many people.

No he doesnt have to "ask"
Its not a commodity that i hand out as i see fit. Its something we do with each other, not something he does to me usually
And i did not say or suggest that my consent was implied simply by our marriage.

WTF?

Some of these responses are unbelievable. How can people NOT get what Amanda is saying? Instead of rushing to take offense on behalf of men maybe you should put your brains in gear.

So do you surprise your wife by shoving a cock in her?
for clarity, no... (of course). I can't imagine surprise sex would be much fun for either of us.

Sorry to be the one to tell you this. If there is a continual lead up to that in which you are given enthusiastic consent. "yes, yes, yes, oh that's the spot". Then no, that is not rape.
But sometimes it can be, without wanting to make this all about Ched Evans, it seems as though everyone, from him, his friend in the room with him, his other mates videoing the incident, and the hotel porter listening at the door gave evidence that she was saying yes during the act.

I think that it's obvious to say that she was drunk and could not have given consent, but enthusiasm during the act does not make it not rape. and won't save a guy from prison.

Assuming consent is pretty fucking stupid though. What makes you think you have the right? Because you once had sex with her? What if you split up, would you assume it of the new girlfriend? How many times do you have to have sex before you decide you can shove your dick in without question?

Of course I don't think that I can always have sex with her, nor do I think that the fact that my ex once gave consent means that I'm fine to go "get some" now. that would be stupid.
I'm perfectly aware that a marriage certificate is not written consent.

Assuming consent is pretty fucking stupid though. that's exactly my point, in a lot of ways it's never occurred to me to ask explicitly before each and every time. (same as it wouldn't occur to her to ask, if she was in the mood, before touching me up to get me in the mood)

do you as your wife/husband before each time?

(Important to bear in mind that as the law stands a woman cannot rape a man, but can sexually assault him.)

if you're a woman and want to get him in the mood with your mouth, then that could be sexual assault if he didn't want it.
after you've got him in the mood any sex that follows could still be rape (as you may wanted to have stopped at oral).

How many people seek consent before any "sex act"

do you ask your wife/husband before each time?

Before oral sex? No, it's unnecessary. I don't bother till he's done a bit of begging for it. ;)

Sex? No I don't hop on him and assume he wants a shag.

I do find, personally if you are doing everything right...the other person will ask for the sex act. No need to assume anything

gerbil