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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to consider writing to every man in the world

686 replies

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/01/2015 13:50

To inform them all (probably leave Dh out of the round robin) that I do not want to have sex with them unless and until further formal notice from me?

As it seems that there is such confusion among so many people about the nature of consent I want to avoid putting any of them in the terribly awkward position of wondering whether simply being in the same room as them means they are invited to stick their dick in me.
So is that an unreasonable proposition?

OP posts:
Jessica85 · 09/01/2015 19:38

Lols, Gallic, your t-shirt shouldn't say no, you need to be clearer! It should say 'I don't want sex'. Or maybe 'I don't want sex right now with you'. Just 'no' might mean 'no I don't want sex', but it might mean 'no, I'm not rescinding my consent'. We don't want to confuse people.

VoyageOfDad · 09/01/2015 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/01/2015 19:43

Omg. It is actually worse than i thought.
The most offensive thing to say to a man is that you do not want to have sex with him.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/01/2015 19:45

Lol. Really? You think it might not be feasible to send out over 3.5 million letters?
**

OP posts:
QueenTilly · 09/01/2015 19:46

Actually, this thread may well constitute the best use of my time... Some brilliant posts here!
Voyage

I don't think one can call a post sardonic and then reasonably go on to make any kind of point about whether they think the poster will do it! You forgot you were pretending she was being literal then!

Check Preview next time. HTH

Sallyingforth · 09/01/2015 19:46

I don't know how many times I've had sex - somewhere in the thousands. I can't remember ever saying yes, I want to have sex.

I've given a few dirty looks though!

TheOfficialPan · 09/01/2015 20:05

Pan, this is the internet. You can't think its popularity depends on people using it because they don't know they have better things to do?

Well, quite possibly.Grin Silly me.

notauniquename · 09/01/2015 20:24

because she never gave consent in the first place exactly.
and to suggest that women need to somehow let men know that they aren't sexually interested in them sounds stupid to me.

default position should be "does not consent."

GallicIsCharlie
guiding somebody else's penis into one's own body
That's a description of an act.

but i am a little tired of trying to address your pseudo intelligent questions
There was nothing intelligent about that question.

To answer your original question.
in my opinion.
yes you would be completely unreasonable to send that letter.

Not because it'd cost an obscene amount in postage.
Not because I don't believe that the issue of consent is important.
Not because I feel all hurt that you could think that a man could possibly do something like that.
Not because it infers that all men could do something like that.
Not because you think that your husband couldn't do that. whether his name is Nigel or otherwise.

But because the entire premise of your letter (in my view) subtly re-enforces that a woman is consenting, unless she says no.

Which I fundamentally disagree with.
Which I think is a dangerous thing to re-enforce in any way shape or form. (even if you think you're you're making a really witty and sardonic point [wittily mocking rape, but not making a joke honest])

I'd rather you sent a letter reminding all men that a person is only consenting if they say yes. (in fact not only would I not be offended to receive such a letter but I'd nail such a notices to trees all over town!)

And once people have got that not so difficult to grasp concept into their heads then we can expand the concept to talk about situations in which consent can't be given, due to being drunk, or intimidation etc.

If that makes me an arrogant fucker, then I'm pleased. and I'll teach my kids to be arrogant fuckers as well.

Jessica85 · 09/01/2015 20:41

Maybe, unique, such a letter would make men think:

Well, cheeky cow, I didn't want sex with you
And I hadn't assumed you wanted sex with me
And I won't have sex with anyone unless they tell me they want to
And if someone does now have sex with you I will not assume that your consent was given

Thus achieving the baseline of no consent.

YonicSleighdriver · 09/01/2015 21:26

The default position should be "does not consent."

At last we agree on something

If you read the OP, there's no mention of "rescinding":

"To inform them all (probably leave Dh out of the round robin) that I do not want to have sex with them unless and until further formal notice from me?"

TheOfficialPan · 09/01/2015 22:08

oh send the letter ffs, Buffy. You are being very reasonable.
End of thread.

Theoretician · 09/01/2015 23:09

I'm a man, I'm not offended by this OP, even though on other rape-related threads I have been offended by women who generalise about men. I had to think for a few seconds to work out what's different here. The difference is that you can't be offended by someone you don't take seriously. It's obvious she's joking. She's not even asking to be taken seriously.

I'm amazed that so many other people have felt provoked by her.

Samcro · 09/01/2015 23:17

oh yes
rape is so funny

(not)

Theoretician · 09/01/2015 23:23

To inform them all ... that I do not want to have sex with them unless and until further formal notice from me?

To give a serious answer to a light-hearted question: I don't think this proposal makes sense. Consent has to be given (or not) at the time. If non-consent can be binding years into the future, on men you only meet then, that would imply a world in which the same could be true for consent. I have no particular scenario in mind for that, but I suspect there must be one you wouldn't like.

YonicSleighdriver · 09/01/2015 23:31

Theo, I don't think that because non-consent is binding, then consent being binding is automatically implied. That's illogical.

I can write a letter promising that I will never in my life steal anything; that doesn't conjure into existence a letter from someone promising to steal something every day.

Non-consent must be understood to be everyone's default state. That's the point.

YonicSleighdriver · 09/01/2015 23:37

In OP's case as well, she has promised in front of a congregation/vicar/registrar or whoever to forsake all others ie to continue in a state of non-consent to sexual contact for as long as she and her DH live.

There's not an "equal and opposite" clause meaning she's in a state of consent to her DH for the same period. That's on account of this being human relations, not Newton's Third Law.

LovelyMarchHare · 09/01/2015 23:38

I have only read to page 2 but am astounded at the failure of so many to understand what the OP is saying (and that the phrasing was a device to illustrate her frustration with this.'confusion' over consent). This place is mad at the minute.

JohnQuig · 09/01/2015 23:41

OP, YABVU. I wouldn't flatter yourself - not only is it offensive to suggest every man's a rapist, I doubt 99% of them are really interested anyway ;)

MaMaMarmoset · 09/01/2015 23:43

Fuck it.

WIBU to consider writing to every man in the world
MaMaMarmoset · 09/01/2015 23:45

Yes, Op you're not hot enough to rape.

Well done johnquig

YonicSleighdriver · 09/01/2015 23:47

Fab!

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 09/01/2015 23:50

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BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 09/01/2015 23:51

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Blistory · 09/01/2015 23:51

The mental contortions some people will go through just to avoid a acknowledging that rape is a very real and present danger for women is astounding.

Lack of awareness of what rape is and what consent is is no excuse when so many have taken considerable time to explain.

The future really is bleak.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 09/01/2015 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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