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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request the door ajar?

63 replies

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2015 09:12

Okie doke here goes.

Vipers I need your counsel,

So as not to drip feed my work involves various areas of child protection, so I probably have a heightened sense of ethics and safety and probably drive him mad.

Ds 16 has announced there's a girl coming to ours this weekend Shock
For film watching and music listening, all this I'm cool with its a first for him so I imagine he's quite chuffed. The thing is said girl is in yr 9 so is 14 Hmm and he has always steered clear of this age group.

I trust ds completely but I've requested he leaves his bedroom door ajar, he has gone bonkers as he says we will hear them talking.
She's 14 and my training is clouding my judgement, I'm just trying to keep everyone safe.

I always had to do this when I was younger but I was 13/14 and the boys were normally 16.

Am I wrong, I have a large shed at the bottom of the garden and the family joke is that I get locked in there when he starts bringing girls home.

Dons hard hat and warms popcorn in advance

OP posts:
WerewolfBarMitzvah · 08/01/2015 09:14

YANBU. I was never allowed to close my bedroom door with a boy in it.

KnackeredMerrily · 08/01/2015 09:14

Yanbu

netguru2 · 08/01/2015 09:15

I have a 15 year old daughter. Same rule here.

TheRealMaryMillington · 08/01/2015 09:16

yanbu

tell him you trust him, but that she's a lot younger than him (in age at least), and in return that he has to trust you not to eavesdrop

KoalaDownUnder · 08/01/2015 09:17

YANBU.

According to my friend, whose daughter is a few months shy of 14. (Although I suspect some outraged parents of teen boys will be along soon)

LLJ4 · 08/01/2015 09:26

Wide open would be fair enough, frankly. Or a baby monitor.

Can you sell it as being for his protection as much as hers?

Original poster
Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2015 09:28

Therealmary that's a good point, I might try that one.
Apparently she has requested to come round and her mum is dropping her off, I'm rather hoping that the mum says hi or at least checks us out. Because knowing me ide have researched the family first, God I sound bad now don't I.

Know one ever tells you how all this works when you become a parent do they? Thanks all so far who have taken the time to advise on this Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2015 09:35

Love the baby monitor thought, is that the one with the cctvGrin and comes complete with mumsnet swat team, and tuts at you when you both get too close.

I've already said so what's the seating arrangements then he has a king size bed and a chair for gaming, the plus points are his sudden interest in cleaning his bedroom before Saturday.

OP posts:
LLJ4 · 08/01/2015 09:42

I've been the naice girl trustingly left at the naice boy's house and it Did Not End Well. So I don't think research helps but an open door would have. I was too emotionally young to express my discomfort and needed the adults in my life to take charge.

MsVestibule · 08/01/2015 09:51

Definitely door ajar!! We weren't even allowed boys in our bedrooms when we were 18! But we are a Catholic family, and this was the late 80s.

If they were both 16 and in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, then I wouldn't be too bothered, but under these circumstances, you're not being over protective. I definitely like the idea of a CCTV baby monitor. Tell him those are his two choices, he can pick his preferred option Grin.

Original poster
Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2015 10:01

Thanks Wink I did give him the option of getting the money together and quickly buying his own house. I also did say if she was 16 then the rules would be different.

I have yet to phone the oracles over this ie the grandparents, I know what his Nan will say already. I thought originally they were going to the pictures and to eat afterwards, apparently the girl requested to come here colour me cynical, I think I need another chat with him.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2015 10:02

Door open, as much for his Own protection as anything

LadyLuck10 · 08/01/2015 10:06

Yanbu, don't even entertain a conversation about it. He can kick up a fuss all he wants but it's not acceptable.

lacktoastandtolerance · 08/01/2015 10:11

At the risk of being one of those posters who picks up on every tiny word and leaps to conclusions - did he 'announce' she was coming, or ask...? He's still only 16, it's still your house...

I certainly wouldn't have expected to be allowed to do this when I was 14/15/16 - but my only real advice is to make it a discussion, make him understand rather than just laying down the law. Even though you are laying down the law.

VodkaJelly · 08/01/2015 10:17

My son is 15, his girlfriend is 15, when in my house they leave the bedroom door open. Or I make his brother who he shares a room with sit in the room too.

MaidOfStars · 08/01/2015 10:21

Yep, bedroom door open. For his own protection, false accusations blah blah.

NakedFamilyFightClub · 08/01/2015 10:21

I wasn't allowed boys in my room full stop until I turned 18 so that's probably colouring my view on this, but do you have a room downstairs they could use instead since they're only going to be watching TV and listening to music?

blanklook · 08/01/2015 10:24

Why does she have to be in his bedroom, do you not have a lounge or dining-room where they can watch a film and listen to music?

Original poster
Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2015 10:25

Hi lacktoast, he did announce but not in a Im telling you way as he knows it doesn't wash in our home. I also said are you telling or asking? He was asking, I've just spoken to my parents and they say ajar end of discussion really, we don't know her from Adam it is for both their protection, I'm struggling with why they aren't going out for the first time. But I do over think things a lot, but considering what I do for a living it's to be expected.

Things might change by the weekend, he might consider door gate to much of an issue and the flicks will win out after all. Pity really as his bedroom needs a Hoover and a polish.

OP posts:
blanklook · 08/01/2015 10:26

x-post with naked. As the paranoid parent of a girl, I'd like you to offer the rooms downstairs or take his door off.

odyssey2001 · 08/01/2015 10:26

Surely the girl's parents would expect you to monitor their child in your house, therefore the door must be open or she does not visit.

Sidge · 08/01/2015 10:32

Hmm I'm the lone dissenter here. I'd let him shut his door.

I'd allow him privacy, but I'd be fairly regularly sticking my head in (after knocking) to offer cups of tea, check all is well etc.

I have a 16 year old DD who has had male friends over since about 14 (not often I admit). I respect her privacy in the same way I expect her to respect mine but make it quite clear that I expect polite, appropriate behaviour from her and her friend/s.

Scoobyblue · 08/01/2015 10:32

She's just a child - door ajar is a must for me too.

MorvahRising · 08/01/2015 10:33

Always door open here with 16 year old DS. If there's a girl here with him upstairs I am just as responsible for her as I am for him.

Original poster
Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2015 10:41

I can absolutely see the point of view of the mums of dd on here because to be honest if it was up to me ide be camped out on the landing or on my bed mumsnetting.

Downstairs, is only a small front room she would be welcome to come and watch the telly with me and DH, but large child would find it excruciating with me doing my cool mum act and initiating a conversation. This would of course be hugely enjoyable for me, but would then find myself frog marched down to the shed.

In the spirit of not trying to drip feed, it has been told to me that she did sleep with her last bf but apparently regrets it, this is not my business obviously and ds has not had a proper gf so far.
She maybe street wise and her parents might be layed back, but I sure as hell wouldn't just drop my dd off at a lads house who I didn't know?

Also she is a stranger in my home, and boys and their hormones girls even aren't always the best judge of character? Blimey that was judged wasn't it.

How did a possible innocent visit from a young lady turn in to a paranoid post on AIBU on mumsnet Blush

OP posts:
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