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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request the door ajar?

63 replies

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2015 09:12

Okie doke here goes.

Vipers I need your counsel,

So as not to drip feed my work involves various areas of child protection, so I probably have a heightened sense of ethics and safety and probably drive him mad.

Ds 16 has announced there's a girl coming to ours this weekend Shock
For film watching and music listening, all this I'm cool with its a first for him so I imagine he's quite chuffed. The thing is said girl is in yr 9 so is 14 Hmm and he has always steered clear of this age group.

I trust ds completely but I've requested he leaves his bedroom door ajar, he has gone bonkers as he says we will hear them talking.
She's 14 and my training is clouding my judgement, I'm just trying to keep everyone safe.

I always had to do this when I was younger but I was 13/14 and the boys were normally 16.

Am I wrong, I have a large shed at the bottom of the garden and the family joke is that I get locked in there when he starts bringing girls home.

Dons hard hat and warms popcorn in advance

OP posts:
comebacksun · 08/01/2015 10:43

I'd be telling him that the door needs to be ajar, otherwise mum will be in there all the time, as Sidge says, to offer drinks, biscuits. Wouldn't that be more embarrassing? So better to leave the door ajar.....

102030 · 08/01/2015 10:43

I think I would be telling them to stay downstairs or leave the door open. I'd also be thinking of his protection as much as hers.

tunaandcheesesandwich · 08/01/2015 10:50

My DS has never had a girl round as he is not interested yet. But when he goes round to friends' houses during the day in the holidays or weekend the parents are rarely in. And when he has friends round I am normally out too. So I doubt that this is something that I would personally be able to control too much.

My DPs also would not let me have the door closed when I had boyfriends round. So I used to go to his house instead as his parents did not care!!

Sidge · 08/01/2015 10:51

I'm quite perplexed as to why some of you feel the need to monitor your older children's behaviour so closely? I appreciate the girl is a bit younger but really, what are you worried about? I mean, taking the door off - really?

(Honest question, not being sarky)

FunkyBoldRibena · 08/01/2015 10:52

I'm perplexed as to the shed business.

Hamper · 08/01/2015 10:55

I would say door ajar.

But is it such a big thing you need to tell the grandparents?

missnevermind · 08/01/2015 10:58

DS is 16. The first girl he invited home was older than him by about 6 months. He was studying for his GCSES she had already dropped out/been asked to leave.
I am not ashamed to admit I was scared.
We had a 3 year old and a 5 yo at the time so I told him that they would also be upstairs playing in their bedroom. And I might send them up with messages. I have mobility issues and find the stairs hard work - 2 flights. So yes I wanted to do the knock for tea business but had to do it by proxy Grin
She came twice. When she didn't come back I was so releved they had stopped going out.

Penguinsaresmall · 08/01/2015 10:58

YANBU. When DS was 16 he had a younger GF - and the rule was that his door stayed open. Once 'both parties' are over 16, fair enough, they can have more privacy, but until then you need to protect both of them.

LettuceAndPotatoes · 08/01/2015 10:59

YANBU; you're protecting both of them, I would be the exact same way.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/01/2015 11:01

Okay, normally I would say door shut and random popping in; I'm all for trusting my kids.

But if she is 14 and sexually active I would be very worried about my 16 year old son being in that relationship at all. I would be having a big talk about the Sex Offenders Register, and I'd probably have them in the living room to be honest.

Penguinsaresmall · 08/01/2015 11:03

PS- just read through the thread properly - personally I would keep GPs out of it, but I don't know the back story...

Also sadly it seems pretty 'normal' nowadays for girls to be having underage sex (maybe it always was?). So I would try not to be judgemental about the girl based on that, but the fact it underage sex is illegal and you don't want to be 'facilitating' it in your own home with access to a cosy bedroom with a closed door...

PurpleStripedSock · 08/01/2015 11:03

It would be 'movies and games in the living room' for any girl/boy visits in my house. I can't imagine allowing them into bedrooms no matter what the doors were doing.

In your position, I'd definitely stick to door ajar.

Theshedofalfredogarcia · 08/01/2015 11:11

We had exactly the same situation here .I insisted that the door was left open. DS was NOT happy.I stuck to my guns and said it was not negotiable and was in both of their interests.

YANBU.

SnotandBothered · 08/01/2015 11:16

Yes ajar is the answer but I think you need to help your DS to cope with various situations such as:

  1. They go to his room. He leaves the door ajar, she closes it.
  2. They go to his room. He leaves the door ajar, she asks him to close it.
  3. They go to this room. He leaves the door ajar, she asks him to close it and tease him when he tells her 'he is not allowed'.

etc

These will be the things he is worrying about far more than the actuality of having the door ajar (I suspect). Also if she is quite 'worldly' he will be desperate to look cool.

Perhaps you have to help him out by kind of announcing in a throw away fashion - "ok kids have fun - normal girl rules apply - door open'.

This sets it up so he doesn't have to deal with any embarrassing discussion about it plus gives him cool points by suggesting frequent girl visitors.

Maybe?

Original poster
Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2015 11:17

I would love to offer them another room we have a big kitchen but no telly there and as I said before the front room is tiny. The conservatory is freezing and the only other room is stuffed with junk and needs work doing to it, otherwise ide quite happily have it done out as a teen room etc.

I really don't want to come across as demonsing a young girl that I've never met, but my job sometimes makes it hard to be to be objective especially when it concerns my own child.
My ds knows the ins and out of child protection issues including registers and what can get you on there. But I also don't want to put a dampner over what should be an exciting time for him even if it is around girls Hmm.

I know I can be a tad overbearing, and do try to keep this under control its learned behaviour in my case. I consult my parents on some things to make sure I'm not be unreasonable.

Thanks so far to all who have replied

OP posts:
Theboodythatrocked · 08/01/2015 11:18

I am very laid back with my teens but in this case she's so much younger that it would worry me.

Two 16 year olds is one thing but your ds needs protecting here too as well as the girl.

Personally I would keep them downstairs and have a very frank conversation with your ds.

CyclopsBee · 08/01/2015 11:19

Boys weren't allowed past my front door when I was 16 Grin
Anyway, Ds is17, his gf is 15
The rule is bedroom door open or stay downstairs. We have known the gf parents for years so DS has to be on his best behaviour Grin
DD was 19 when her bf stayed over.
Good luck, its not easy!

Original poster
Guiltypleasures001 · 08/01/2015 11:20

Oh Snot your brilliant Thanks

OP posts:
Theboodythatrocked · 08/01/2015 11:21

Oh right op see point re downstairs.

I like snots idea.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/01/2015 11:37

I wasn't allowed a boy in my bedroom at all!

I remember when I was 17 and me and my boyfriend (who was 19) were in my room watching TV and my mom burst in, very unhappy and ordered us both downstairs.

YANBU.

SnotandBothered · 08/01/2015 11:45

Thanks Guilty Blush

I'm not really but I am just remembering being that age and so often the 'rule' wasn't the issue (I may even have secretly recognised the common sense behind some of them), it was all about the embarrassment loosing cool points, by following the rule IYKWIM.

Take that pressure away by casually but clearly laying down the rules in front of them both without belittling him, and your DS might be much less stressed about it. Give him permission to roll his eyes behind your back and everything Grin

LemonySmithit · 08/01/2015 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hamper · 08/01/2015 12:14

Snots idea is great!

browneyedgirl86 · 08/01/2015 12:25

Deffo door ajar. Yanbu

weegiemum · 08/01/2015 12:28

My dd1 is almost-15, her boyfriend is 14.

Door wide open or you sit in the lounge is the deal in our house.

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