To feel sad having seen a little girl given a dummy and a great big set of headphones thenparents sat an ate in a pub

[Bearbehind]

We were in a pub at the weekend and sat beside a couple with a 2/3 year old girl in a pushchair.

Her parents tried to get her to go to sleep by covering the buggy with a blanket and rocking it but she was wide awake. She wasn't crying or cranky, she was just babbling away to herself and didn't really want to stay in the pushchair so they put her on a seat, put a massive pair of 'beats' type headphones on her, stuck a dummy in and plugged her into an iPad.

I fully appreciate its none of my business but it just made me sad that this was such an automatic reaction with a little girl who just wanted to interact rather than a last resort.

There are times tv and computer use are good, let's say cleaning time, cooking time. And the headphones for someone with special needs is a great idea, but we don't even know if the lass the OP is talking about even had any special needs.

Some 2 or 3 year olds have no interest in chatting whilst waiting for food though. I had one who was happy to chat, and another who would only last a couple of minutes before getting bored and wreaking havoc. If out in public with the first one, dh and I would have passed the 'good parent' test with flying colours. With the second one we would be accused of being lazy, disinterested ineffectual parents. But we're the same people, same standards etc. It's the children who are different.

I can completely understand that there may be children with sens that this is appropriate for. What about children who have the capability to learn table manners. Are lazy parents just going to let them do what they like?

Would people object to a child sat reading a book? It's surely just as isolating as sitting playing on an iPad? I know I get much more engrossed in a book than I ever do the iPad! Yet I bet a child sat reading would be greeted by "isn't that nice to see" type comments from a lot.

It's not about lazy parenting, or not teaching table manners but about responding to the needs of the child at that time.

Generally DS has very good table manners and will sit and wait and chat. However sometimes he may be tired/ill/just not in the right mood, so in those cases when needed I will happily give him pen and paper to draw, or the iPad to play on for a bit until food arrives.

I allowed my teen ds (who has ASD) to use his dsi and his iPhone at the dinner table when we were on holiday this summer. The sneery looks we got from families with younger children were classic. Parents were actually trying to catch my eye so that they could give me a judgemental look. They must practise in the mirror at home.

As soon as I saw enormous headphones I thought ear defenders my four year also has autism where he isn't really bothered by loud noises lots of children with autism are I see them used alot with other parents of children with special needs also with the dummy my son still uses one I don't let him take it out with him but sometimes he needs it for comfort.

If it's a choice between 'lazy' parents letting their kids shout, run around, complain, moan and demand to leave because they are 'learning how to behave'

Or 'perfect' parents loudly praising dear little Johnny for being so well behaved, for eating his seafood tagliatelle so nicely, for serenading us with the wheels on the bus 50 times before drinking his ice cold evian with a slice of lemon.

Or the sensible parents that don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks and lets their child relax and wind down after a full day with a few quiet games or movies on an iPad.

I'll take the iPad parents.

That child the OP is judging may well have impeccable table manners at home, but as a treat is being allowed to use the iPad whilst his parents relax and enjoy some adult attention and conversation.

Sirzy I wouldn't sit and read a book in a restaurant and I wouldn't bring one for my child to read.

Sharing a meal is about being together, talking and eating It's not time to play with toys, electronic stuff or read books imo. There are other times of day when you do that. I am from a culture where doing anything but eating or talking at meal times would be rude though.

another parent here who had both kids occupied with tablets while out.

The older one has SN, and its either the tablet or him shouting/screaming/arguing/melting down because he is unable to sit still.. as it is, with the tablet he'll still be noisy, but at least he'll stay at the table.

The younger one is just that if i didnt give her one, she'd try and take Ds's or fight over it, and that doesn't help matters, so she has one too!

I really dont care if people judge me for that, its about making the experience pleasant for everyone, me, DH, the kids and the other customers and staff we're sharing the space with.

Your feelings on the matter are neither here nor there, unless of course you'd like them to sit with you and see how you get on with keeping them quiet and entertained? No? thought not.

My ds is another who struggles with playdough and messy craft stuff, Slipper. He has good fine motor skills, despite using an iPad for years (he is 4 1/2), but he has sensory issues meaning he struggles with the texture and hates getting mess on his hands, so although we and school do help him use it, it is a huge effort.

I would normally think it was sad however the child seemed to be awake during her usual nap time and they used the screen time to placate her when potentially she could have got v cranky

What's the big deal about a child entertaining themselves during dinner out?

Ours have always had some form of distraction when eating out, from toddler sensory books (which provoked a long running family game of "That's not my XXX, it's too YYY" - points awarded for the funniest answers) to colouring to puzzle books and now at 7&8, iPads or kindles.

They interact with us, they read the menu, they order their meal politely, they use cutlery or chopsticks appropriately and sometimes we all talk / play games / plan tomorrow. But sometimes they're too tired to want to make the effort to interact with their parents (we can be hard work!) and they just want to switch off, chill out and spend 5 mins in peace while we talk.

For whoever said iPads weren't creative - DS1 recreated the famous London building we had been to see that day in Minecraft. It was amazingly detailed. He did a reasonably authentic job of recreating the Great Pyramid of Giza (complete with internal chambers and tunnels) after seeing an exhibition on Ancient Egypt.

He is completely NT, uses an iPad or reads his kindle while waiting for food to arrive, and why shouldn't he have some down time while we're out and on holiday too?

Would you really take play dough to a restaurant anyway?

I wouldn't use it anywhere near my carpets, it gets everywhere. It's a messy play activity for home not where others have to clean up after you.

Anyway DS can't use play dough.

You know, I think the world might be such a fun place to live if everybody stopped making snap negative judgments about strangers based on a 30min snapshot of their life and just got in with their own parenting.

Although if we did that MN would probably go into liquidation :)

To all those saying 'chatting'. There is no time of the day that my 2.4yo 'chats'. He tells you what he is doing and asks questions and that's about it. We also eat at tables together at home, with no screens on, and he knows that's 'normal' for us. But new environments are just far too exciting. There is no way he would sit there and 'chat' to us. Also to those saying if you take them out often they get used to it and know how to behave - we have taken him to restaurants/cafes/pubs 3-4 times a week since he was 5 days old. He was fine till he started walking at 10mo - then he became a bloody nightmare overnight.

I am interested by this comment; it IS sad that in the modern day kids aren't interacted with as much As much as what? No previous generation i know of were interacted with as much as the children i know of today. I just don't recognise this rose tinted view of childhood from bygone days.

After reading this thread i am actually going to buy some headphones and see if they will work on DS too. Fingers crossed.

There are all sorts of reasons a child might struggle with fine motor skills. Least of all because they are good with an iPad. But don't let that stop you being judgy.

MrsKoala I agree wholeheartedly. When I was little none of the parents I knew spent all day trying to find stimulating activities for their children. My parents didn't play with me etc. And none of my friends parents did either. I don't recognise the rose tinted view either. My childhood was excellent. I think I would have hated it if my parents had always been wanting to interact with me, I was much happier just pottering along amusing myself.

By which I mean pottering along in the same room as them, not out running the streets and neglected.

What Mrs Koala said, i'm only in my 30s and i have distinct memories of NEVER being taken out to restaurants as a child and being mostly expected to sit down and shut up during meal times at home.

My parents were still of the 'children should be seen and not heard' generation!

Sirzy, why would you take your child to a restaurant when they are ill?

Because hospital appointments can be miles out of town and they need to feed their children?

Because hospital appointments can be miles out of town and they need to feed their children?

Surely then the facilities at the hospital would be a more sensible choice.

So morning appointment get out at half ten, then sit around for two hours rather than grab lunch between trains?