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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be told by sil not to use this name

119 replies

bagonails · 04/01/2015 20:21

I name-changed for this as sil sometimes uses the site and I don't want her to trace me on other threads.

Dh and I are expecting our first child and we are having a boy. We have not decided on a first name yet, but have chosen a middle name. This is a name that I have wanted for a boy's middle name since my maternal grandmother died when I was a teen. The name was her maiden name, but is also used as a first name - it is a traditional first name (think Thomas, but not that) and, much as it is very important to me to use it as a middle name, I have never considered it as a first name. When I told all this to dh, he was very happy to use it and told me that he had a cousin named this who died 20 years ago at the age of 10. Dh was pleased that we could commemorate both our relatives with this name.

However, today we mentioned all this to sil and she was horrified that we would even consider it. She said it was hugely disrespectful to her and dh's aunt and would be likely to upset her greatly. Now I would never want to cause this woman any heartache, but feel the following points are relevant. Firstly, the child died so long ago. Please - I am sure the pain would never end for a parent - I am NOT saying she should have got over it by now at all. But surely it is not quite as raw? We are talking about a middle name that she would probably never actually hear us use. We are not going to have the child christened, so she may only need to hear it once, when told, if that is even essential.

We see her once or twice a year, so I am really reluctant to give up this, for me very significant name, for this reason. I really hope I don't sound heartless, because I feel so deeply for her - the child was her only one and dh tells me there have been times the family have been really worried for her, though she is 'fine' now, as it were.

Sil's final comments were that we need to ask the aunt's permission to use the name, but, tbh, I really don't want to because if she says no, we can't use it and it is really important to me. I have an elderly aunt who lived with my grandmother her whole life until gm died, and I know it would mean a lot to her too. I had been looking forward to telling her.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ddubsgirl77 · 04/01/2015 20:24

Your baby your choice! We had this with a name we liked but got NO as dh uncle & aunt baby was named this that was sadly stillborn the whole family had a go with asking us why we picked it! We didnt go with it in the end dont make the same mistake

SantanaLopez · 04/01/2015 20:25

Hmmm, I think your SIL is making some important points, tbh.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 04/01/2015 20:26

Using the name of a deceased relative is the exact opposite of disrespectful. Your SIL is bonkers and totally overreacting.

hearthwitch · 04/01/2015 20:27

It's your choice. Its not disrespectful and she needs to let it go.

Dognado · 04/01/2015 20:27

No, use it.

cosmicglittergirl · 04/01/2015 20:28

I think it's fine to use that name as it's from a member of YOUR family and you have reasons to want it. Also your husband mentioned the cousin and thought it'd be a nice thing to do. Names don't 'belong' to people and you may do as you wish. I suppose this is why it can be wise not to share your name ideas as people will always have an opinion.
The only thing is will you be ok with your SIL being upset/annoyed etc?

AmantesSuntAmentes · 04/01/2015 20:28

The name is significant to you too. People can't just claim a right over a name! Use it and stuff them.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 04/01/2015 20:28

The name is significant to you too. People can't just claim a right over a name! Use it and stuff them.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 04/01/2015 20:29

The name is significant to you too. People can't just claim a right over a name! Use it and stuff them.

Pilgit · 04/01/2015 20:29

YANBU!! No one has the right to veto a name for other parents. If it's a common name they are going to hear it anyway. Don't give it a thought - most people I think would be honoured to have a deceased relative honoured in this way.

FamiliesShareGerms · 04/01/2015 20:29

I don't think you (or rather DH) should ask the aunty but it would be tactful to tell her in advance about your plan, I think - explaining why it's important to you both

nutsinwinter · 04/01/2015 20:29

How terribly sad.

Given that it is a common first name and also a family surname, YANBU to use it without "asking permission". (Obviously nobody owns a name anyway, be equally obviously nobody wants to hurt a grieving parent even more).

I do wonder whether the aunt might even be happy to gave her son honoured in this way. But it's a tricky one to bring up with her if you are going to use it no matter how she feels.

Surely she would not be hurt by discussing it though?

I know that it would be welcomed in my family (where I have sadly lost two cousins) but of course everybody is different!

Zephyroux · 04/01/2015 20:29

Personally I wouldn't use it because I wouldn't want to cause somebody who has been through so much pain any further distress.

susiedaisy · 04/01/2015 20:30

Yanbu particularly as its a middle name not a first name.

IdontusuallyNC · 04/01/2015 20:30

Your reasons for using it to name your own child are far more valid than her reasons for not wanting you to name your child.

Because you don't get to name other people's children YANBU

Muskey · 04/01/2015 20:30

Dd is named after a dead relative. When I mentioned it to his children (he died in his late 20s) they were delighted. As pp have said its a way of remembering people. In this case it has meaning on both sides. I would go with it

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 04/01/2015 20:30

You don't to ask permission from anyone to use the name. Who on earth does your Sil imagine she is?

MagratsHair · 04/01/2015 20:31

Use it but stress that the reason the name is important to you is because of your relative, not theirs.

SantanaLopez · 04/01/2015 20:31

I don't think you (or rather DH) should ask the aunty but it would be tactful to tell her in advance about your plan, I think - explaining why it's important to you both

I think that's a good idea.

WooWooOwl · 04/01/2015 20:31

It would be respectful to contact the aunt directly and tell her that you are planning to use the name and the reasons why you will be using the name. But you tell her, you don't ask her and as long as you are nice about it and acknowledge that it might bring up some difficult feelings for her, then you will be doing nothing wrong by using the name.

The SIL can mind her own business.

FryOneFatManic · 04/01/2015 20:31

Go with the name. You have equally valid reasons from YOUR side of the family for wanting to use the name.

And no-one owns a name so permission is not needed.

Hassled · 04/01/2015 20:32

I think if I were the aunt I'd be really touched and pleased that you were using the son's name. Can you ask another family member - whichever of your ILs is the aunt's sibling - and see what they think?

notoneforselfies · 04/01/2015 20:32

It's the opposite of disrespectful. It's not like the aunt wants to never hear that name again and it's drudging up painful memories - I expect she never wants her little boy to be forgotten. It's an honour to have someone named in memory (I know it's not especially in this circumstance, but you know what I mean...)

ddubsgirl77 · 04/01/2015 20:32

Its being used as a middle name tho? How often is it going to be heard? The aunt may like that they think its nice enough to use!

Lweji · 04/01/2015 20:33

Why would you need to ask anyone's permission to use any name you want?
All who need to agree are you and your OH.

It might be nice to ask the aunt if she would mind, but you certainly don't need to do it.

Just give whatever name you want.

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