To not want to be told by sil not to use this name

[bagonails]

I name-changed for this as sil sometimes uses the site and I don't want her to trace me on other threads.

Dh and I are expecting our first child and we are having a boy. We have not decided on a first name yet, but have chosen a middle name. This is a name that I have wanted for a boy's middle name since my maternal grandmother died when I was a teen. The name was her maiden name, but is also used as a first name - it is a traditional first name (think Thomas, but not that) and, much as it is very important to me to use it as a middle name, I have never considered it as a first name. When I told all this to dh, he was very happy to use it and told me that he had a cousin named this who died 20 years ago at the age of 10. Dh was pleased that we could commemorate both our relatives with this name.

However, today we mentioned all this to sil and she was horrified that we would even consider it. She said it was hugely disrespectful to her and dh's aunt and would be likely to upset her greatly. Now I would never want to cause this woman any heartache, but feel the following points are relevant. Firstly, the child died so long ago. Please - I am sure the pain would never end for a parent - I am NOT saying she should have got over it by now at all. But surely it is not quite as raw? We are talking about a middle name that she would probably never actually hear us use. We are not going to have the child christened, so she may only need to hear it once, when told, if that is even essential.

We see her once or twice a year, so I am really reluctant to give up this, for me very significant name, for this reason. I really hope I don't sound heartless, because I feel so deeply for her - the child was her only one and dh tells me there have been times the family have been really worried for her, though she is 'fine' now, as it were.

Sil's final comments were that we need to ask the aunt's permission to use the name, but, tbh, I really don't want to because if she says no, we can't use it and it is really important to me. I have an elderly aunt who lived with my grandmother her whole life until gm died, and I know it would mean a lot to her too. I had been looking forward to telling her.

AIBU?

[SunshineAndShadows]

I'm assuming it's a name like Henry, James or George? All surnames but also classic and very common first names. It's a bit OTT to make a name like this off limits especially as a middle name connected with your did of the family

[Yarp]

I think that since this is a second name, I would use it, then mention to the aunt afterwards tour reason for choosing it.

If it were a first name, I might mention it beforehand.

I think you can't assume what the SIL says is correct, anyway

[Cobain]

My DM could not bear to hear my brothers name on television without tears in her eyes. My DS3 is named after him but my DM had passed before his birth. It's personal for most it would be fine but for some like my DM is could of easily led to another bout of depression.

[AmericasTorturedBrow]

It's not for your SIL to have the opinion anyway. I agree, use the name but find a moment to tell DH aunt before baby is born, she'll probably be delighted and touched.

FWIW our DS middle name is in memoriam of DH's cousin who died aged 21, the whole family was touched.

[Maybeoneday77]

My son died 3 years ago, age 2. I would be delighted if a family member chose to use his name as a middle name, but I would appreciate it if they ran it past me first . Hope that helps x

[ApocalypseThen]

I think it's a bit unfair to say that the sister in law is only manufacturing outrage on someone else's behalf. She may be, equally she may have reason for her belief that her aunt might not like it - a past conversation, for example.

[olbas]

bagonails I think parents should use any name they chose but my little boy died almost 13 years ago and the pain of that is so very raw. There is always someone missing iyswim. You should use the name though.

[jimmycrackcornbutidontcare]

I think if it causes your in laws pain it would be very selfish to use it. Why upset them? Everybody might lose somebody but thankfully most do not lose young children. I don't think the devastation would ever go away. Ever. And IF you using that name would cause more anguish then it would be nice of you to use a different one. She may say go ahead and use it.

[ineedtogetthisout]

My son died 17 years ago, and it is still raw. While I wouldn't expect anyone to ask my permission to use his name, I would really appreciate a text, email or letter giving me some warning beforehand. I would be very hurt if nobody told me, it would feel like they had forgotten it was my sons name too, and if it unexpectedly came up in conversation I would probably get really emotional. The kindest thing to do would be to tell her in advance, and in a way that doesn't require her to respond until she is ready.

[mrsfarquhar]

I agree with Ineed....(not being a parent but a sibling) its the remembrance that it was someone else's name too and the courtesy of acknowledging that loss, in advance of formally announcing the name, that carries some meaning.

[Spadequeen]

Sounds to me like sil wanted to use the name

[DustyCropHopper]

I think I would just mention to the aunt, not so much asking permission but preparing her. We liked a name as a first name for ds1 but I didn't feel it right to use it as very close family friends' ds1 died due to prematurity and it was his first name. When we were expecting ds2 it was on our list again, but this time more wanted to be used so I did speak to the couple. They were happy with it and ds2 was named it.

[StarlingMurmuration]

For what it's worth, we used my dead brother's name as one of my DS's middle names, and as the other, my DP's grandfather's name. His grandmother is still with us, and she was really touched, as were my dad and my brother's widow, and the rest of the family. It never occurred to us that anyone might be offended, to be honest.

It might be nice to tell her in private rather than let her hear it when he's born through the family grapevine, but I'm sure she'll be touched.

[Hamiltoes]

I almost had the same problem when expecting my second. Wanted this name since well before I met DH, lets call it Joseph. Later found out that bil had a baby who tragically was still born and he had been called José. Or Peter/ Pedro or William/ Guglielmo although the two names don't sound very alike at all really.

Bil's ex DP and my SIL both had alot to say about this. Luckily for them I had a girl, but i would have called my baby the name I had chosen regardless!

[jimmycrackcornbutidontcare]

Hmmmm. Hamiltoes. Charming.

[FreeSpirit89]

Does all the expectant parents planning to use the name need to seek her permission too.

Ridiculous! Go with the name, bollox up SIL x

[WD41]

Yanbu. Your SIL is barking.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

You should listen to the people here who have lost a child and ask your auntie first

[WyldChyld]

Your sister is being ridiculous with the disrespectful comment. OP, use it but (as other posters have said) talk to her first. Or, if it is more appropriate, maybe ask your PIL to speak to her (if they're close). It's an honour.

[Dontwanttobeyourmonkeywench]

DSGS has DH's brothers name as his middle name. He died suddenly following a routine op and DSD fell pregnant soon afterwards. MIL was very emotional that his name was being used (and DSGS is known by a variation of BIL's nickname) and says that she's glad that DSD used it. Even if he hadn't died, DSD says that she would have used it anyway because she was very close to him.

DH has told the DC's not to use his first name because it really doesn't go with anything else but they could use his middle name if they wanted because it's a classic name. DC's have all declined so far

[lomega]

I'd have thought of it as more honourable than disrespectful to use the name? Even so it's a middle name, so YANBU!

I hate when people "claim" a name, you can't 'own' names, it's up to the parents to decide. We had a cousin tell us "if your baby is a girl, you can't have [name]" and it made me seethe - especially as that was my DOG'S name at the time!!!

[hiccupgirl]

I would let the Aunt know so she is forewarned but not ask permission as no one owns a name.

My mum died after a long illness when I was 20. My brother and my aunt both have since had girls who have her name as a middle name in memory of her. It's not something I particularly like or would have done myself as it is still raw after many years but it's not up to me how they want to honour her memory and it has made them happy to do this. I can respect that even though I don't like being reminded of my mum's early death this way.

[OVienna]

I wouldn't tell the aunt. It's a middle name and if she is upset she may also feel she can't say anything without seeming bonkers. So you may achieve nothing constructive anyway. if it's presented as a done deal the name will feel like part of the new baby already.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

My oldest Nephew's middle name is that of my dead uncle, My sister did it for my DM. My other nephew has the same middle name as his older brothers first name, older brother died as a baby.

[BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas]

I think just out of respect and compassion I would speak to the aunty.

I think yabu to suggest that a child's death may not be so "raw" many years later .

Have you got any other DC ?

If you haven't it's possible that you are underestimating how this poor woman has been feeling the rest of her life.

You naming your DC this name is going to stir her emotions regardless .....and I think it would be the humane thing to do to at least acknowledge this in a conversation with her.