To not want to be told by sil not to use this name

[bagonails]

I name-changed for this as sil sometimes uses the site and I don't want her to trace me on other threads.

Dh and I are expecting our first child and we are having a boy. We have not decided on a first name yet, but have chosen a middle name. This is a name that I have wanted for a boy's middle name since my maternal grandmother died when I was a teen. The name was her maiden name, but is also used as a first name - it is a traditional first name (think Thomas, but not that) and, much as it is very important to me to use it as a middle name, I have never considered it as a first name. When I told all this to dh, he was very happy to use it and told me that he had a cousin named this who died 20 years ago at the age of 10. Dh was pleased that we could commemorate both our relatives with this name.

However, today we mentioned all this to sil and she was horrified that we would even consider it. She said it was hugely disrespectful to her and dh's aunt and would be likely to upset her greatly. Now I would never want to cause this woman any heartache, but feel the following points are relevant. Firstly, the child died so long ago. Please - I am sure the pain would never end for a parent - I am NOT saying she should have got over it by now at all. But surely it is not quite as raw? We are talking about a middle name that she would probably never actually hear us use. We are not going to have the child christened, so she may only need to hear it once, when told, if that is even essential.

We see her once or twice a year, so I am really reluctant to give up this, for me very significant name, for this reason. I really hope I don't sound heartless, because I feel so deeply for her - the child was her only one and dh tells me there have been times the family have been really worried for her, though she is 'fine' now, as it were.

Sil's final comments were that we need to ask the aunt's permission to use the name, but, tbh, I really don't want to because if she says no, we can't use it and it is really important to me. I have an elderly aunt who lived with my grandmother her whole life until gm died, and I know it would mean a lot to her too. I had been looking forward to telling her.

AIBU?

Oh God... I think I've fucked up. I did this with ds's middle name and now I feel like I should've definitely forewarned my aunt.

Surely if the name is " like Thomas but not " of pretty usual anyway and the aunt will see/ hear it every day on the radio/ news/ shouted in sainsburys anyway?

Yanbu, my cousin died when I was 6 months pregnant, we used his name as ds middle name, didn't for a second think we would upset anybody doing that. Don't think I told my aunty beforehand although my mam may have but she was delighted he was being remembered and included

I would let Aunt know, as in 'We thought we'd like to let you know in advance that the baby's middle name will be X, as it's an important family name for bagonails side. However with it being X's name too we wanted to let you know. We'd never presume to say that the naming was after X too, unless of course you're happy with that. We thought you'd like to know.'

And then DO NOT tell SIL about that conversation - absolutely none of her business. If she brings it up again 'Sorry, we don't want to discuss names.' If she finds out from Aunt that you've spoken to her - well, she'll get the message loud and clear that you think she's being interfering and completely out of line in involving herself at all.

And fwiw my dad was named after the precious only boy in his mums family ( gran born 1899, 2 sets of girl twins -all survived to old age - what are the odds of that? Yet the only son and last born died aged 3). This was seen to be the right thing to do and made dad special, not an upsetting thing at all.

Your SIL is being the unresonable one. She doesn't own the name, nor does anyone else.

My brother died at 9 months.

We gave our son his name as a middle name - I talked to my parents first to check this wouldn't upset them.

My ds's middle name is my brother's first name (he died as a baby), I had intended use the name if I had a boy as little way of remembering him. My Mum was overjoyed at my decision despite still feeling pain on remembering his death (nearly 40 years ago), she completely understands why I used the name and is so happy that her wonderful son is still thought of.

Maybe if your reasoning was explained to the aunt she would understand and not take offence? And as somebody up thread said, nobody owns a name and the world is full of people with the same names.

I'm sure 99% of parents would think it was lovely to hear the name and completely understand they don't own the name. Its a lovely act of remembrance and courtesy to advise them individually.

Very sad story re your aunt and I'm sure she still mourns her tragic loss. YANBU but I wouid let the aunt know first out of respect.

I think your SIL is wrong to be 'horrified' but I think she did the right thing by bringing it to your attention that the Aunt might be upset as obviously it hadn't occurred to you or you DH, which I think is a little strange. I also find it a little strange that this is the first you have heard of his cousin who died with the same name, do you two not talk?! I can't imagine either having a name I had to use and my DH not knowing about it long before a baby was due or hi having a deceased cousin I knew nothing about!?

Anyway, I think it's perfectly fine to use it as a middle name. I'd have spoken to the Aunt to see how she felt first if I'd wanted to use it as a first name, but as a second name no. I would definitely make a point of telling her, in person if possible, that I'd be using the name as a second name due to the meaning of it in my family but also that DH had been really touched because it was his cousins name, so it has meaning to him too & that you'd wanted to let her know in person how special it was to you both.

Good luck with the rest if your pregnancy. We look forward to the live birth thread

It has been really interesting to see everyone's comments and I am especially grateful to those who have spoken about children of their own who died. I don't have children (born)yet, but I can see that saying the loss wouldn't be as 'raw' was a poor choice of words. I feel that it is such a terrible thing that a child she will probably see only occasionally having her son's name as a middle name will not really add to her suffering a huge amount. Of course, I could well be wrong. I hope not. I feel like there must be so many reminders all around her anyway, though while the name is traditional, it is not as common as those mentioned upthread, so she probably doesn't hear it round and about.

Oh,I don't know. Dh will speak to her and we will take it from there. I wonder if a letter may be best so she isn't put on the spot. As for permission - as well as the fact that it is very special to me too, I feel like permission doesn't really work. You know how someone asks, "do you mind if..." it can be really hard to say no, well, I find that anyway. It may come across that we are asking her as a 'formality' and that may offend??

Confused now .

Bil's ex DP and my SIL both had alot to say about this. Luckily for them I had a girl, but i would have called my baby the name I had chosen regardless!

Wow you sound like a really nasty person. It's all about what you want. I can't for a minute wonder why your bil and sil might have an opinion about YOU calling Your child the same as their decreased baby. but hey as long as your're alright jack.

bagonails. I think it would be nice if you called her if you can't see her in person. Explain why you chose the name at 14, but that when you told DH he was very touched and told you about his cousin and he loves that connection. Tell her that now you are due you wanted to share that with her before telling the rest of the family your chosen names.

Oh dear I've posted 3 times and hope I haven't given the impression you should be asking permission. I just thinking its important to go on remembering those who have passed and the pain others still feel, regardless of time.

In our family my mother, matriarch that she is, would convey anything like this so if she were your MIL a quick kindly word from her advising that its an important name in your family but they wanted her to know individually as you both know its a very special name for her too. That would do it.

Otherwise a small card with similar words would be nice - although in my family it would be quite odd as my mother conveys everything at the speed of light rendering post and email the equivalent of a changing era.

I would let your DH's aunt know of your choice. Not in a do you mind kind of way but explaining it as you have here, it is a family maiden name and that your husband feels like it is a tribute to his cousin. I am sure she wouldn't mind but it would be nice to give her a heads up so she can have a quiet moment to herself to get used to it rather than being told when she might have others nearby and it being a bit of a shock.

My parents lost a son 30+ years ago and my favourite cousin died 7 years later, I always wanted to use their christian names for my children and my mum and aunt loved the idea, unfortunately I can't have children so it never happened.

Names within families can be problematic. (I had to suggest to my DD to not name her as-yet-unborn child after any member of my immediate family - thankfully she didn't.)

A couple of things: OP, you say that your SiL said that using "Thomas" would be "disrespectful to her". In what way would it be disrespectful to her - given that the late cousin was related equally to both her and her brother/your DP? What makes her believe she can speak on behalf of the aunt?

But Spadequeens post: Sounds to me like sil wanted to use the name made me think about yet another complication in using family names (especially if there's money involved). The whole thing of naming can sometimes be a nightmare.

I echo other posters' recommendations that you speak directly with the aunt and explain that you are using the name to honour both sides of the family.

YANBU, I'd use it. As someone said upthread, it's the opposite of disrespect. The aunt may be very touched you're using this name.

Speak with your aunt & make the decision from there.

My neice used the name for her first born that I had given to the baby boy I lost. She didn't know this - I have never told her - & I'm not sure I ever will. It is lovely to hear the name used tbh. ( Altho I'm not keen on the short-form of the name that they use )

WandaFuca I don't think the OP meant to imply the SIL thought it would be disrespectful to her, but to "SIL and DH's Aunt" or "dh and sil's aunt" so that we were aware it was her DH's sister, not her sibling's wife, and it was their aunt who lost the child..

OP I agree with others advice that I would let Aunt know that this is the middle name you have chosen because it has a strong family connection for you and also that DH thinks it's a good thing because of her son, and they just wanted her to be aware of it.

My problem would be though, like you said, that she says "no" or doesn't approve. I don't think you can win though. If you don't let her know ahead of time she could think that her son was "forgotten" because no-one thought to tell her or give her advance warning, or if she doesn't like the idea and she tells you no, you either ignore her and do it anyway, or you respect her wishes.

I understand your strong feelings about the name but I don't think you can truly decide to give your child the middle name if his Aunt (and family) are so vehemently opposed to it.

A friend of mine christened her baby boy with the same name as his uncle who died in an accident shortly before the baby was born. It was seen as a huge mark of respect by her parents in law. I am sure that she and her husband would not have used the name if it would have upset the parents any further, following the tragedy of losing their son.
OP, I would be inclined to mention it, by all means, to the aunt, explaining that it is a family name, and leave it at that.