To not want to be told by sil not to use this name

[bagonails]

I name-changed for this as sil sometimes uses the site and I don't want her to trace me on other threads.

Dh and I are expecting our first child and we are having a boy. We have not decided on a first name yet, but have chosen a middle name. This is a name that I have wanted for a boy's middle name since my maternal grandmother died when I was a teen. The name was her maiden name, but is also used as a first name - it is a traditional first name (think Thomas, but not that) and, much as it is very important to me to use it as a middle name, I have never considered it as a first name. When I told all this to dh, he was very happy to use it and told me that he had a cousin named this who died 20 years ago at the age of 10. Dh was pleased that we could commemorate both our relatives with this name.

However, today we mentioned all this to sil and she was horrified that we would even consider it. She said it was hugely disrespectful to her and dh's aunt and would be likely to upset her greatly. Now I would never want to cause this woman any heartache, but feel the following points are relevant. Firstly, the child died so long ago. Please - I am sure the pain would never end for a parent - I am NOT saying she should have got over it by now at all. But surely it is not quite as raw? We are talking about a middle name that she would probably never actually hear us use. We are not going to have the child christened, so she may only need to hear it once, when told, if that is even essential.

We see her once or twice a year, so I am really reluctant to give up this, for me very significant name, for this reason. I really hope I don't sound heartless, because I feel so deeply for her - the child was her only one and dh tells me there have been times the family have been really worried for her, though she is 'fine' now, as it were.

Sil's final comments were that we need to ask the aunt's permission to use the name, but, tbh, I really don't want to because if she says no, we can't use it and it is really important to me. I have an elderly aunt who lived with my grandmother her whole life until gm died, and I know it would mean a lot to her too. I had been looking forward to telling her.

AIBU?

[CheeseBuster]

I think you should definitely talk to the auntie before naming the child. Naming a baby after a dead child is very different to naming a baby after a dead older relative. It's a very sensitive issue and I think just ignoring her loss as 20 years ago, my baby my rules is a tad disrespectful.

[Essexgirlupnorth]

Looking at my family tree it looks like it was quite common to call a child the same name as a sibling that had died in early infancy in the past and I think using the name is a lovely idea. However I think your DH should ask his aunt if she is ok with you using the name as it is her that may be upset by it.

[ethelb]

Sorry op but I have a cousin who died as a child and just wouldn't use the name at all without discussing it with her parents. I'm surprised your DP is so blasé about his cousin and the impact a child's death has on the family.

[SingingSands]

Your SIL is speaking for your aunt and probably has no idea how the aunt feels. I'm willing to bet that the aunt would be really touched and pleased that you have chosen this name, as would relatives of your grandmother. I really can't see how anybody would think otherwise?

[PelvicFloorGoneSouth]

I think you should stick with your choice, you picked it because of the connection with your grandmother not because of DHs late cousin. As it is a middle name and not going to be used I think sil is out of order.

I named my son after a cousin who died when I was in my teens, I didn't ask permission from my cousins or my aunt and uncle and no one in the family had an issue with it. My cousin was a very special person who lived with many difficulties but touched many people in his 23 years, he was special to me and my aunt takes a great interest in my son who has his own difficulties with autism and developmental delay.

[callamia]

I think you could talk to this Aunt and explain your reasons. I think you'll find that she will be pleased he is remembered.

My DS has a middle name of a very good friend who died before he was born. I did talk to his widow before I registered his name, to check that I wasn't being inappropriate or trying to 'claim' his name. His family were pleased that he was being remembered by his friends. I just can't see that your situation is actually a problem for anyone bit your sil (whom it has nothing to do with).

[ProcrastIWillFinishThisLater]

Nobody can tell you what to call your baby, and normally I would say don't even think about anyone telling you otherwise. However, the death of a child is one of those things which is more important to think about. If it was a first name, and the aunt would ever meet the child, I would ask her how she'd feel about it and consider that before using it. As it is only a middle name, which nobody in the family would have to use or know, then I think it's up to yo what you do really. You could just tell SIL he hasn't got a middle name, she's not going to know unless she looks up the birth records, and then it's her own silly fault if she upsets herself about it by snooping.

[SantanaLopez]

Your SIL is speaking for your aunt and probably has no idea how the aunt feels. I'm willing to bet that the aunt would be really touched and pleased that you have chosen this name, as would relatives of your grandmother.

But who are you to bet on someone's feelings? That person's niece believes she'd be upset- it's insensitive at the least to dismiss that so easily.

[grumbleina]

Good god, if people get offended by using names of deceased family for new members my entire family should be at war, it's a sea of 'he's named after great aunt laura's son who died..' etc. In fact, I have family members who've been upset that the name of a dead person WASN'T used for a later child.

I think your SIL is being bonkers. Maybe talk to the aunt, explain it's mostly on your side but you'd thought it would be a nice way to honour her son, but that your SIL had said she thought the aunt would be upset so you wanted to check with her. Obviously if she then says she IS upset your problem is greater, but surely any sane person wouldn't be.

[Blu]

I know this is AIBU, but is 'stuff them' really a feeling people would have towards an aunt who has lost a 10 year old child, a cousin of the DH?

Names have powerful currency and resonance, and as much as the name means a lot to you, OP, it will also mean a lot to DH's aunt. I would mention it tactfully / sensitively with her, explain the reasons, and see what her reaction is.

Bt I think it is between DH and his aunt: not for SIL to get herself erroneously outraged on her aunt's behalf.

[Starlightbright1]

TBH...I would run it by the aunt..Explain both sides of the family.

I would think she would like it but I have never lost a ten year old so wouldn't make an assumption.

If this name is honouring your DH aswell. Yes I would talk to aunt...She may think your DH simply forgot about her DS..

I would also say I do use my DS middle name not every day but frequently..Never occured to me I would.

I think the sentiment is lovely by the way think you need to tweak a few things..

THe SIL reaction though is why it is never a good idea to discuss names

[monkeytroubles]

It sounds like your SIL is just trying to stir up trouble to be honest and I wouldn't let her involve herself in this decision. I don't really understand why she feels entitled to weigh in on your name choice at all. How exactly is she being "disrespected" here? I also had a cousin who died in childhood and would never dream of presuming to ban people from giving their children the same name or take it as some kind of insult and I know my Aunt wouldn't either. I would just assume that they liked the name. It's also worth keeping in mind that as it's a traditional name (so I assume not unusual) then your DH's Aunt has probably heard of a friend or relation using it as either a middle or first name over the past 20 years or if not is bound to at some point.

[BMO]

I think I would mention it to the aunt, but not ask permission - "we're giving the baby Thomas as a middle name as it was my grandmother's maiden name and means a lot to me. DH was also liked that we are remembering his cousin".

[HerewardTheTired]

We used a name of a relative who had died tragically young against advice of some other family members. It turned out that His family were delighted that he was being remembered - we didn't tell them that we hadn't realised when we first chose the name. I'm really happy with the extra meaning and that we inadvertently did good.

You don't know how they will feel, don't take your sil's view alone.

[scratchandsniff]

Gosh I think your SIL has had a bit of an over reaction. Like you say, the aunts sadness and pain don't go away but after 20 years the rawness must. If its a fairly common name I'm sure she's come across children named this in the last 20 years. If you were going to use it as a first name I'd suggest speaking to her first but as its a middle name I can't really see the need.

[mrsfarquhar]

I would go with the name but if you are close enough I would let her know in advance.

Someone in our family really shocked me with the name of their child, and my first reaction was very unreasonable. It was the brutal shock of hearing it applied to another baby (it wasn't my child that was lost so my reaction was even more unreasonable). Once I'd absorbed the information and rationalised it I felt pretty ashamed but it was a raw emotion dredged up to the surface. I can't imagine how it would have felt if I was a parent. BTW my reaction wasn't to the new parents themselves, am not that terrible.

I wouldn't hide the name if your aunt is going to see your baby as they grow up. Children have a habit of reciting their full names and it might make it more of an issue if it comes out that way.

[EverythingslookingRosie]

My DH's mum died when he was very young & we are planning to use her name as a middle name. It had not even occurred to either of us (until now) to ask how his dad felt about it. We both thought it would be a nice tribute to her.

I think there is a chance it will bring up some bad memories for your DH's aunt but hopefully good ones as well.

I would use it.

[Dinosaurdrip]

My niece died 8 hours after birth, when I became pregnant with my dd some 2 years later, I told my brother I would like to use his dd s name as a middle name. He said he would love it if we did. Maybe you could tell her you are using the name and the reasons behind it?

[mewkins]

I think I would write to your aunt explaining everything as it wouldn't put her on the spot but give her a chance to think. I suspect her family think they are protecting her but actually she may like to hear her child's name again. I would also make a special effort to visit her with the baby.
There is something really lovely about loved ones honoured in new lives. My dd is named after my grandmother.

[Bowlersarm]

I think you need to talk to the aunt. Not necessarily ask her permission as such, but explain the reasons why you are using the name.

I think it would be wrong if you suddenly announced it at his birth without forewarning her.

[bagonails]

I am so relieved - I really thought I might get a pasting here. I just want to emphasise how I really don't want to upset anyone, but this name does mean an awful lot to me and, sad as it may seem, I have been planning this since the age of 14 .

ethelb I do appreciate your comments, but wanted to make clear that dh is not being blasé. He got very emotional when telling me about it and had played with the little boy a lot, despite being a fair bit older. He's not blasé, just seeing things differently from sil.

I agree we need to talk to aunt before, so that she knows and understands our reasons.

[morethanpotatoprints]

I would use the name as a middle name if it meant so much to me as it clearly does to you.
As a complete aside they used to call babies after siblings that had died in the golden olden times. The same name was used often.

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

Blue, yep.

Everyone has lost someone.

[cookoos]

use it!!! yanbu!!

[diddl]

"That person's niece believes she'd be upset- it's insensitive at the least to dismiss that so easily."

And is what her nephew thinks irrelevant then?

It would be nice to run it by the Aunt, I think.

But let's bear in mind that this is a middle name, so the Aunt won't be hearing Ops son called by the name that she had chosen for her son iyswim.