to nap my dd 3 weeks in her own room? DH thinks im mad

[Soleurmange]

hi dh thinks im potty - ill admit i am following she who must not be named for the routine, which includes putting dd 3 weeks in her own room with the door shut and lights out for day time naps. at night she is in with us.

i think its better for her sleep and means that i can do things in our room during the day - dh thinks its a SIDS risk and ive lost the plot. who is bu? thank you!

[BarbarianMum]

Probably it would be fine. But I think if it worries your dh you shouldn't do it - I would have been distraught if dh had insisted one of our dc sleep "apart" at that age.

Could you not set up a quiet, darker corner of your hall/living room/kitchen for naps?

[PhaedraIsMyName]

Indeed, how times change. Medical advances and scientific evidence have discovered all sorts of amazing things. I don't think we should completely disregard current advice just because we did things differently 25 years ago.

Did I say that? There's been all sorts of changes in advice. There were even some in 1990 advocating keeping baby in bed with you all night from day 1. Hasn't that been discredited.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

I think barbarian has it right that it's probably fine but not worth it if it makes anyone feel uneasy.

[Wormatthebottomofthegarden]

Crying for 5-10 minutes isn't self settling, it's crying themselves to sleep which is a whole different thing and cruel for a three week old. They aren't trying to piss you off by crying, that's their only way of communicating. I can't imagine why you would even want them to cry for that long, the noise of my babies crying went straight through me and I had to pick them up. Even controlled crying isn't recommended until six months.

At some point they'll learn there's no point crying when they realise no one will pick them up. And that's just sad.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

Oh wait... I thought op was talking about putting baby down in a quiet room not crying to sleep.

[magicpixie]

yabu

[whereismagic]

Now would be the time to get her used to a sling. You pop her there when she is nodding off. How old is your eldest? Do they need a lot of help?

[whereismagic]

And yes, yabu.

[MrsTuppence]

At that age they're not 'self-soothing' (a totally bogus concept entirely created for parents' convenience), they just learn there's no point crying because no-one will come. Even if you find the idea of 'controlled crying' appealing it's completely contra-indicated until at least 6 months.
If you must try and impose a routine, at least try someone like Weissbluth, rather than that woman.

Congratulations on your little one, and I hope you find a healthy and peaceful solution for all of you.

[Ragwort]

I think this is one of those subjects where you will just get extremes of opinions - my DS is 14 now, yes, we followed GF, he went in his own room for naps and bedtime from 7 days old, it never occurred to me to have him 'nap' in the same room that I was in. He slept from 7pm - 7am and has never had a problem going to bed or self settling - of course, that might just be 'luck' or it might be because we followed a strict routine, I have no way of knowing for sure.

I often wonder if some parents don't have lives to get on with - surely you need to shower/wash/do some housework/relax (mumsnet )/whatever without being glued to your baby 24/7. What if you have other children, elderly relatives, disabled relatives, neighbours that need help - or 1001 other reasons for just getting on with your life? There is a thread already on mumsnet where a mother feels she can't even put her baby down to have a shower or go to the toilet .

And, as others have mentioned, when you are asleep you can't keep an eye on your baby all the time can you?

Do whatever feels right for you OP, whatever you do someone will find fault with it .

[Fairylea]

Op you can still have them sleep on their own without letting them cry. With both of mine I would rock them to sleep and then put them down (with a dummy - I know not everyone likes them but I found them great and they in themselves help to reduce sids) and if they cried I would pick them straight back up again and repeat.

I'd hate people to be reading this thinking that anyone who leaves a small baby in a room by themselves to sleep is automatically letting them cry to sleep. It's not the same thing at all.

[BMO]

Ragwort - having the baby in the same room as you isn't about keeping an eye on them, it is to reduce the risk of SIDS. I'm not sure why not leaving a baby to cry alone means you can't get on with your life?

[5ChildrenAndIt]

I'm very much not a fan of SWMNBN - but I think 'baby must never sleep alone' is a recipe for neurosis for a second child. Whether the baby is in a darkened room or in the buggy - any sane person would briefly check environment for hazards - and then go into another room (within range of hearing/monitor) to give DC1 some attention - or to have a quiet cup of tea.

[LittleBearPad]

Ragwort I'm mumsnetting quite successfully with my 4 week old asleep on me. .

It's also perfectly possible to do housework etc with your baby in the same room.

[Wormatthebottomofthegarden]

I'm successfully mumsnetting with my sleeping 4 month old on me!

[ElphabaTheGreen]

Ragwort - I have a toddler and a disabled mum. I did very, very gentle and gradual no-cry methods over several weeks to get DS2 to sleep in his cot for the odd nap (swaddling, very rapid pick up, put down like Fairylea described, white noise, plus a million other tricks learned from DS1 who was/is a terrible sleeper). Those are when I have a shower and spend some one-to-one time with DS1. Housework for me and mum is done with DS2 in a back- or hip-carry sling as he is a very clingy baby. I can usually get DS1 and DS2 to have a joint nap on me after lunch (lovely - love the sit down and cuddles!) which is when I can MN. No, I don't usually go to the toilet during the day becsuse I just don't have the time! If I need a kip when DH is around, I'll plan it for one of DS2's naps and co-sleep. It only lasts for such a short time in the scheme of things, it really isn't a bother once you're at peace with the idea, and makes everything so much pleasanter and easier.

[redspottydress]

Babies should be around people when they are sleeping. Even for naps. It is an unnecessary risk imo.

[RiverTam]

you could always go all Scandi and have the baby in the garden for naps?!

[Marmiteandjamislush]

This thread is an absolute disgrace. I feel really Not at the OP, for asking a question, which I thought was the friffing point of this site, to offer support; but at the vile attitudes of some posters towards her. Some of you have obviously been very lucky to be able to naturally parent in the wonderful, never leave the baby to cry, put them in a sling try that with a 10lbder, mastitis and an episiotomy ha, ways that you have. Your medals are in the post. However, for some that is just not possible. The OP has chosen a method of guidance, that suits her based on her experience with DC1. That is all any of us can do. The ground shifts so much in such a short time re. the dos and don'ts, a lot depends on certain fashions or current findings. I am pg with # 3 after a relatively short gap and things have still changed massively.

Now some are going to get uppity and say they were answering the question, and yes some were and did, but as always many piled in with very aggressive and emotive, personal posts to point score and make themselves feel good. That is not the point of MN.

Anyway OP, if you'll forgive the rant, as some others have said, do what is most natural for you and dd2. For me, DS2 was So difficult, that sometimes I had to leave him to self settle, crying, because there was literally nothing I could have done to settle him and it would have been dangerous for both of us for me to keep trying! I had a load of help too, with both boys in the first 12 weeks. All the women in our community work on shifts so you have virtually 24hr support. Yet, at 5 months, I was so exhausted due to his sleep regression and he had refused to settle over 2hrs of rocking, walking singing, blah, blah. That I just put him in his cot and went into the garden for 10 mins for some peace. (had the BM with me)

[Momagain1]

I see nothing wrong with it. Unless she has health problems, there is no particular SIDS risk. No worse than napping her in any other room while you are in another room doing other things, or being in your room at night while you are ASLEEP and therefore not actually paying close attention. Nap her wherever suits you.

I do think you can go overboard on the dark and quiet room, though. I believe in a bit of a schedule, but not with creating unusually strict conditions that can't be met when visiting relatives, travelling on holiday, or should the need for some sort of child-minding arrangement arise. I suggest in her room, natural or slightly blocked light, door ajar so that normal household noises are normal to her.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

your medals are in the post

[Soleurmange]

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/file/Evidence-Base-updated-Oct-14.pdf

ive just read this in its entirety. at no point is anything about other people's noise or breathing regulating the infant's breathing or avoidance of going into such a sleep whereby they lose the breathing reflex mentioned.

does that mean this theory is now discreditied? any links to research welcome.

[Soleurmange]

sorry trying to respond - keep losing the post. thanks for the support marmiteandjamislush - it has been hard to read some of it, but i know i'm not a total idiot who leaves a baby to scream unattended with needs unmet - i put the baby down once fed and winded and leave her to settle, which usually doesnt involve crying. ds1 was howevver, a nightmare and the whole experience was relatively traumatic with years of sleep deprivation. so sorry to hear you had a hard time

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I assume that was directed at me, Marmite. I don't want medals. I just don't want tiny, tiny babies to be deliberately left to cry because Gina fucking Ford thinks that this is a humane thing to do. Of course I've left mine to cry when I've had no other option. But deliberately leaving a newborn to cry is not something popular among the majority on this thread who have noted that the OP does this in the belief that it will make her into a 'good' sleeper.

Ragwort also asked how people get on with their lives - I responded with how I do it, and I do it, not because I'm a 'natural mother' but that is because how my children respond best to being parented and works best for us, not because I think it will necessarily work for anyone else. For the record, I did CC/CIO and even started out trying Gina Ford with DS1 and I honestly think they have contributed to his ongoing poor sleep and clingyness as I didn't respond to him instinctively as I should have done. So no, I definitely don't want a medal, I feel fucking guilty about it, but thanks all the same.