to nap my dd 3 weeks in her own room? DH thinks im mad

[Soleurmange]

hi dh thinks im potty - ill admit i am following she who must not be named for the routine, which includes putting dd 3 weeks in her own room with the door shut and lights out for day time naps. at night she is in with us.

i think its better for her sleep and means that i can do things in our room during the day - dh thinks its a SIDS risk and ive lost the plot. who is bu? thank you!

[tawnyowlsrock]

When my dds were both 3 weeks old they napped a lot in the day in Moses in loundge

[Soleurmange]

Thank you so much for sharing that with us coolaschmoola. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you also for contributing to the research in this way, which we all benefit from - I hadn't previously considered what the families go through in order to provide the information which is then analysed. Wishing you and your family all the best

[MuffinMcLay23]

I'm very sorry for your loss CoolaSchoola. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It is certainly very thought provoking.

[coolaschmoola]

DD was monitored by a consultant paediatrician until she was a year old, we had weekly hv visits too, and she was weighed every day at home, on clinic scales provided under the Care of Next Infant Plus programme. She also had a hospital grade heart rate, breathing and oxygen saturation monitor that she was wired up to every time she slept. Every month the consultant downloaded DDs sleep records, which, despite all the precautions, did include some apnoea episodes. I also had to fill in a detailed daily diary about sleep, feeds, nappies, vomiting, development etc.

The purpose of this wasn't just to try to limit risk for dd, but also to provide evidence for the research. Everything we did was checked, monitored, recorded and submitted to The Lullaby Trust, to be analysed to inform the guidelines. Had the worst happened it would have been used for the same thing.

Thousands of families have undertaken months of monitoring, analysis and recording to produce guidelines specifically designed to mitigate the risk of SIDS for others. Those who took part in the research after their babies died have to answer the most awful questions, albeit sensitively phrased.

The guidelines are there for a reason. Other families have gone through hell and had it questioned and analysed to help keep other babies safe. There are people and babies behind every single recommendation.

We were advised not to swaddle as babies can overheat more easily, which increases the risk, , to keep the room at 18 and use sleeping bags. We were also told not to Co sleep at all before two years. Little beggar made it in here at 2.5, got a little too comfy and is currently kicking me in the back. Oh how I now wish I hadn't capitulated on that first night .

[Roomba]

I was a bit dim and didn't realise that the SIDS guidelines about babies sleeping in with you actually apply to all naps too. Good job as DS 2 is such a poor, light sleeper that I would have had to sit completely motionless and silently in a room for several hours each day to follow the rules! Given he spent every waking hour feeding, I would've got a DVT and pressure sores within weeks I would never have seen DS1.

[BMO]

Soleurmange - at 3 weeks DS1 slept on me/in the sling/in a moses basket in the living room. DS2 slept in a swing, either in the living room or behind a stair gate off the living room.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

Turn it on its head... if the DH wanted the baby to sleep in a room by itself, and the mum was concerned over this, wouldn't people be saying that she has a valid opinion and every right to insist that the baby sleep in the room they are in? Why is this any different? Personally I couldn't live with myself if I overrode my DH's concerns and something dreadful were to happen...

[bronya]

If it helps you to worry less OP, I would like to tell you that I have done nothing differently with DC2 yet she sleeps really well and DC1 was a terrible sleeper! DC2 will sleep for 6 hours straight at night, has never confused night with day, settles without any help and will sleep anywhere. DC1 would only sleep on me, bf to sleep, didn't go more than 2 hours until 10 months, and was a clingy baby who still is sensitive and very attached to me.

[EmbarrassedPossessed]

TiP, the ISIS section about SIDS risk is very brief and clearly says there may be a risk related to babies sleeping deeper/longer than they would otherwise at that age. They then repeat the research about babies being left to sleep on their own being related to an increased risk of SIDS. I think that's a reasonable and sensible interpretation of what we currently know. Clearly others may disagree.

What's more important here is that the OPs husband is expressing a concern, and this should be taken into account rather than looking for evidence to support disagreeing with him. If he's concerned about SIDS then he and the OP need to have a discussion about how, as a couple, they can reduce the risks in their particular circumstances in a way they are both happy with.

[prettywhiteguitar]

But posters on here have specifically said that the gf book is different from 1999 so if I were you I would listen, 15 years out of date is a long time.

My terrible sleeper was followed by a fantastic sleeper, I did nothing different, fed on demand, slept next to me in Moses basket etc or in kitchen during the day, or outside, it was summer.

Babies are all different

[LittleBearPad]

TP the page you linked to said further research was ongoing but this was in relation to sids and sleep training. Not keeping babies in the same room. On the pages dealing with this there are links to research.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

ISIS is most definitely evidence-based. Are you not able to see the links to the research articles they base their advice on? It's written in plain English so as to be as accessible as possible so possibly comes across as 'less scientific' but what evidence there is, is there and it's referenced.

I'm glad your baby is not getting too upset, OP. My issue is principally with a method which tells you and millions of people that leaving a tiny baby to cry is OK. What you yourself choose to do is up to you, and you're obviously interested in reading around. Many people would not be, and would just leave a baby screaming. I was certainly urged by many to leave DS1 shrieking to 'teach' him (from days old) to sleep, to not get used to being picked up, to 'learn' to wait I regret it every day and take issue with people who make money out of peddling that crap. I do hope she has seriously overhauled her advice in newer editions.

[TalkinPeace]

Embarrassed
I fully accept that they are the experts and have access to the latest research
but if you look at the wording of the website I linked to, it is so couched in caveats as to be meaningless.

They have been asked a question for which there is no answer
so they have typed a row of platitudes which has been interpreted very rigidly by some.

in a few years there will be the research, but its not there yet.

Please also note that the absolute numbers of SIDS deaths in the UK are nearly as low as they will go because almost all parents are dealing with the modifiable factors
and the unmodifiable are being exacerbated by the current economic climate.

[EmbarrassedPossessed]

Hmm. I think I would take advice from the sleep experts at the ISIS project over most other people. Their "About Us" section explains:

"The aim of ISIS is to provide online access to up-to-date research based evidence about infant sleep, in forms which are accessible to parents and health professionals, supported by references to research relevant to families in the UK."

It is the latest research-based advice from sleep experts, so personally I am happy to take their advice.

[Writerwannabe83]

I have also known of babies pass away from SIDS during daytime naps

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

It is a SIDS risk, people think the guidelines only refer to nighttime but they mean all sleep.

Late to the discussion, but yes, this. A friend of mine's baby sadly did pass away due to SIDS... during a nap at around 10am. SIDS is not just a night time issue.

[Soleurmange]

and i was interested to read the ISIS website which makes sense to me in terms of why i am breast feeding, but it is theoretical, isnt it? not that discredits what it is saying but it isn't evidence based, and that's a general criticism of parenting/ baby science advice - it just isnt, leading to all sorts of confusion

and yy to majorly out of date gf book! i wont bother buying another (surely it cant be so different?) but i will ignore advice whcih is against SIDS guidelines / current advice

[Soleurmange]

thanks for the debate - i agree i have conflated the sleep in the dark by mentioning the "fussing" angle. Im interested as to wheat others do at 3 weeks - as ive said, i was demand and baby led first time round (and absolutely clueless for the hell that was to come in terms of multiple night wakings, endless feeding and crying both me and ds1) - i thought that having more of a feeding/ napping/ swaddling/ err fussing schedule would help us in the long run.
elhaba, i promise that my baby is not having a proper, distressed cry before sleep - i agree that is horrible - its more of a fuss, really, and then i go and stroke her nose or head if there's any more than that. shes all comfy and swaddled and the door is open.... i know i dont need to justify myself to strangers on the internet as people say on here, but i do appreciate the comments your making and wanted to reassure you i wasnt being cruel.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

TalkInPeace - if you don't accept suggestions based on a review of limited evidence available from a site maintained by a university and supported by UNICEF, in addition to a raft of other major health organisations, I'm really not sure what else to offer you, sorry, short of carrying out my own double-blind multi-centre trials. That could take me a few years.

[TheIronGnome]

I'm generally a fan of GF but I really think 3 weeks is too early to be taking it too seriously.

I would also suggest your book is out of date as I will be very surprised if any sort of professional in the field is advising going against SIDS guidelines in such a dramatic way.

[TheHermitCrab]

If it's a SIDS risk in the night then of course it is in the day too. It isn't really about the time of day, but how and where the infant sleeps of course, whether it is light or dark, day or night is irrelevant.

Whatever SIDS info you have applies to whatever time of day it is when you look out the window.

You don't have to sit and stare at her, surely you can get chores done as she sleeps in a basket/bassinet in the same room/area.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Everyone telling the op to just go for it,

Its not a random stranger who is saying "don't" its her husband,one assumes the baby's other parent. A perfectly equal parent who has very strong negative thoughts about this.

It is after all one of those topics that does prompt quite strong opinions.

[saturnvista]

I found Gina Ford to be very humane if you actually read the book (I read a new edition) and not at all like she's portrayed on mumsnet. A bit harsh, though, is the celebrity nanny Rachel Waddilove. She says that all little babies 'have a good shout' in the evening when you put them to bed. You have to leave them to it was the gist of it, I think. I didn't take to the tone of the book. She was Gwyneth Paltrow's maternity nanny.

[sanfairyanne]

my assertion that it is a massively out of date book? think i had that version. gf has changed a lot over the years. she was much, um, stricter previously. think this is why 'the young generation' dont understand the anti-gf reaction on mn (well there was the lawsuit threat too) i dont have proof but if you can be bothered to get copies of a 1999 version and one from this year, you will see the difference

[TooManyMochas]

We're already napping 10 day old DS upstairs. Our house is tiny (I mean properly tiny) and also occupied by an extremely lively 3yo. I had no idea I was committing such a crime against humanity.