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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to obbsess over an ignored message?

354 replies

SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 05:45

A superior at work has helped me loads in my job and we get on famously. Few months back we exchanged numbers and we've reached a comfortable stage where we've gone for a couple quick coffees after work when he's in town. He's shared pictures of his lovely kids with me as well, so we've become quite friendly.

Today at work I sent him a message to say happy new year to him and his family and to thank him for all his help this year.

This was in the morning. And there has been no response at all.

This is jarring because he's always quick to reply and if he's busy he will say so and respond in more detail a few hours later.

Without going into detail I know he read the message and I know today wasn't a busy day at work for anybody. So it's apparent he just ignored the message deliberately.

Given the positive note things have been on, I don't understand why he just didn't reply?! I can't think of anything I may have done to offend so I'm completely puzzled here.

I know I shouldn't take this so seriously but I can't stop obsessing over it.

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 01/01/2015 09:52

Yes you are probably overthinking it but I can understand why the OP is getting frustrated because of some of the responses. She had explained for example it was the office messaging system several times and yet still getting replies about maybe leaving his charger at home.

AllBoxedUp · 01/01/2015 09:52

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has come up already. I used to be like this and I think it's a form of social anxiety.

It's not always a healthy response to think what have I done when someone blanks you or doesn't reply. I actually found it amazing when I realised other people's response would be to think there must be something going on in the other person's life - worried about something, busy, ill etc.

I actually read a really good book which helped me change the way I see things - managing social anxiety I think - and life is much less stressful.

And I would feel like this for male or female friends so I think you can get this anxious without fancying someone.

ElizabethHoover · 01/01/2015 09:53

you dont reply to thank someome for a thank you do you? It might go on for EVER

Longdistance · 01/01/2015 09:54

Maybe he's fed up of you (in the nicest possible way), you sound intense.

Yabu.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 09:54

Eh, I've been doing the same job for 5 years now so no, this other poster really wasn't me.

But again, if it makes anyone happy to think it was, go ahead.

OP posts:
Fanfeckintastic · 01/01/2015 09:54

sonjadog it's definitely the same OP you described. The same set up, same barbed, hysterical replies etc.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 09:56
Hmm
OP posts:
clam · 01/01/2015 09:58

If you can't log on to work emails/whatever the messaging system was from home, and you're in bed unwell, how do you know he hasn't replied?

Although I have to say, based on your responses on here, I'm not sure I would reply to a message from you either.

OP: AIBU to obsess over an ignored message?
Whole of MN: Yes
OP: No I'm not!

kungfupannda · 01/01/2015 09:58

This is almost certainly a complete non-issue. Sometimes I reply to emails - work and personal - very quickly. Sometimes I leave them because I'm busy and they're non-important. Sometimes I leave them because I'm busy and they need a bit more consideration. Occasionally I completely forget about them until a couple of days later.

Sometimes I'm talking to someone, or thinking about something else and just don't bother replying till later.

I use email and the internet a lot, but it does sometimes irritate me a little that communication is expected to be instant. My father will ring me with an 'Oh KFP I'm so worried you haven't got back to me" type message if I don't reply to a text or email within the hour. And Facebook - people pop up to send instant messages and if you don't reply they'll know you're ignoring them, so sometimes you have to stop doing what you were actually doing to have a chat with someone about absolutely nothing.

I like to respond to things in my own time.

You also don't know how many other members of staff sent him similar messages. Maybe he'd replied to ten already and just stopped replying as he was bored of typing the same thing out over and over again. Messages are something you want to say - they shouldn't be a demand for immediate attention.

TheChandler · 01/01/2015 09:59

So OP, if you see him as just a friend, surely you have sent other friends similar messages, and they have either all replied, or you are obsessing over the ones that didn't too?

Bakeoffcakes · 01/01/2015 10:02

I think this may be the OPs first post fen

Shakey1500 · 01/01/2015 10:03

The elephant in the room is the simple fact that he is ignoring you.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/01/2015 10:04

Here's the other weird deranged stalker thread (hope the link works)

ElizabethHoover · 01/01/2015 10:05

no one answered! do you say thanks for a thank you?

CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup · 01/01/2015 10:07

So have you or will you tell your boyfriend about this message and non- reply? And your hysterical reaction to it?

You may wish to think carefully.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/01/2015 10:11

Sherlock Holmes here, interestingly the OP on the other thread was also a first time poster who never returned... over invested

UptheChimney · 01/01/2015 10:12

YABU.

What do you want? To get into an ever diminishing exchange of "thank yous"?

"Thank you."
"A pleasure. Thank you for thanking me."
"No, thank YOU"

You've done the right thing by sending a note of appreciation to a colleague who has mentored you. Now get on with your job/life.

juneandjuly · 01/01/2015 10:12

Well there are only three reasons why he didn't reply, aren't there?

  1. Something came up and he forgot;
  2. He didn't think a response was required (and tbh I am a bit fed up with all the pointless 'Happy New Year!' texts); or
  3. He didn't want to/couldn't be arsed.
Shakey1500 · 01/01/2015 10:13

OP that other thread is strikingly similar Hmm

UptheChimney · 01/01/2015 10:14

And yes, I remember that other thread. Very similar, hmmmmmmm

clam · 01/01/2015 10:14

OK, so Not Unreasonable to send a sunny thank you/whatever message.
Very Unreasonable to obsess about a lock of reply.

Shakey1500 · 01/01/2015 10:15

..which is fine obviously. Free country et al. But if it is you then I really do think you may have an obsessive problem. Not with colleague, but in general. About people's non responses and your perceived reactions.

Fruityb · 01/01/2015 10:16

YABU.

I would be upset to find out my DP was behaving this way. You may even have a reply when you get back to work so all this will be moot.

I'd have found him and said it to him myself, then you'd have got the reply straightaway! I do dislike the whole read receipt thing. I feel like people have me on a timer to reply or something. I don't respond to emails and texts instantly and I'm sometimes able to at work, I just like to think about what I'm going to say.

I do think you've been a smidge flouncy about some of the replies you've got!

Chippednailvarnish · 01/01/2015 10:16
  1. He's too busy trying to hide from stalker!
QOD · 01/01/2015 10:19

So just to be clear, you don't text him ? Wink

Ps how do you know he didn't reply if you're not at work today? Could it be there waiting?