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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to obbsess over an ignored message?

354 replies

SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 05:45

A superior at work has helped me loads in my job and we get on famously. Few months back we exchanged numbers and we've reached a comfortable stage where we've gone for a couple quick coffees after work when he's in town. He's shared pictures of his lovely kids with me as well, so we've become quite friendly.

Today at work I sent him a message to say happy new year to him and his family and to thank him for all his help this year.

This was in the morning. And there has been no response at all.

This is jarring because he's always quick to reply and if he's busy he will say so and respond in more detail a few hours later.

Without going into detail I know he read the message and I know today wasn't a busy day at work for anybody. So it's apparent he just ignored the message deliberately.

Given the positive note things have been on, I don't understand why he just didn't reply?! I can't think of anything I may have done to offend so I'm completely puzzled here.

I know I shouldn't take this so seriously but I can't stop obsessing over it.

OP posts:
Pipbin · 01/01/2015 09:24

I've had a similar office friendship op. There was a guy at work I used to have message conversations with but we actually worked in different departments so only actually met a couple of times!

I completely understand that men and women can be friends without there being a sexual undertone. My most long standing friend is male.

However, you are obsessing over this. If I had sent a message like this to a friend and not had a reply I might think it was odd, or a little rude but that was all.

I wouldn't think about it so much that I would post a message here and get defensive about it.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/01/2015 09:26

Why do you think you are obsessing over this so much

You know there are many reasons why he has not replied, busy, forgot, working through his ny messages

Bakeoffcakes · 01/01/2015 09:29

There are some very stupid naive people on this thread.

Yes it might take only a minute to respond to an email but have you considered that yours might not be the only email someone has to respond to? Or that something more important may have happened just as the person was about to respond? You know, something to do with work, which you are getting paid to do.

MarjorieMelon · 01/01/2015 09:29

You do realise that when you go to work there will be a HNY message from him and this thread will be a distant memory.

Dizzywizz · 01/01/2015 09:30

I think op is getting an unnecessessarily hard time over this. I hate it when people don't reply - and I don't fancy these people. I think you just have to assume that he forgot or thought he replied, or perhaps an urgent situation occurred (personal or work) which he had to deal with.

Some of the responses to you have been, IMO, rude and nasty.

gamerchick · 01/01/2015 09:32

I didn't say you did.

ArsenicFaceCream · 01/01/2015 09:32

I think you just have to assume that he forgot or thought he replied, or perhaps an urgent situation occurred (personal or work) which he had to deal with.

Dizzy all those things were suggested to the OP back in the mists of time some while ago. She wasn't happy with those explanations.

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 01/01/2015 09:33

There is nothing wrong with the message you sent

BUT

You are getting far too worked up about this. You aren't at work. forget about work. If your colleague is the nice guy you think there will be a good reason he didn't reply.

Are you stressed at the moment, or do you often react strongly to perceived slights/rejections? If it is the latter, it might be worth thinking about having therapy. If not, just forget it!

DropYourSword · 01/01/2015 09:34

This is a very strange thread!

youarekiddingme · 01/01/2015 09:34

Don't you just love MN Hmm 40 odd people making assumptions and accusations about something and creating a drama whilst simultaneously accusing the OP of having no life!

AIBU to obsess over ignored message?

salsa just for the record YABU Wink. However I do believe in your mind this was an innocent text like message to a friend which they ignored. Take some time to consider in your own head why it has bothered you so much and if you'd have obsessed if anyone else hadn't replied?

heartisaspade · 01/01/2015 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/01/2015 09:37

Sending nice message - normal

Obsessing over non response, finding it jarring, puzzling, unable to figure it out - a bit weird.

krustyem · 01/01/2015 09:38

Have to agree with you, dizzywizz. I'm not surprised she's getting a bit defensive. You have spent too much time thinking and worrying about this but some people are just natural worriers and over thinker, sometimes it's hard to sort your head out and realise you're being a tit. For what it's worth i don't think you want an affair with this guy. Go out and forget about it and enjoy your day Smile

FreudiansSlipper · 01/01/2015 09:39

Who would not lash out at some of the responses on here

Neverknowingly · 01/01/2015 09:41

Sorry but I've had a little LOL at this.

Salsa - I know you're frustrated but I rather liked some of your sarcastic responses Grin

Unfortunately (as you have undoubtedly realised) you sound a lot like someone with a recent thread about a former supervisor who was no longer thanking them for sticking their nose into work matters which no longer concerned them. She also reacted defensively to the tabular chorus and I also wondered if you were she. Still a bit suspicious actually Grin

Still I agree yabu. I've had several HNY texts this morning and am quite irritated at having to reply (although I will in due course). I'd much rather just click "like" on FB!

Toooldtobearsed · 01/01/2015 09:43

bakeoff speaking from experience Sad

I did not respond to a merry Xmas email last year and an aquaintance was 'off' with me the next time we met. Nothing nasty, or anything, just, well, off.
She said she thought I was not speaking to her as I had ignored her email.....

People who know me well know that I either reply to messages immediately or not at all. They ring me if it is important. I acknowledge that I am at fault here, but it is just the way I am. I deal with what I consider important, so if I am busy, the rest gets forgotten!

PossumPoo · 01/01/2015 09:43

You've pissed everyone off OP so much that there's been no mention of your spelling error in your title.

That has never happened to my knowledge!

Well done Grin

herintheredskirt · 01/01/2015 09:44

If you post your message you may get some useful feedback.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/01/2015 09:45

I like the ops responses!

I still wouldn't reply to her happy new year message though (even with a question!) because I often need time to think what I want to say.

Redhead11 · 01/01/2015 09:46

And perhaps your friend just loathes New Year and can't be arsed responding to a message because they know that everyone they meet for the next few days will bore them to death with saying happy new year.

Whatever reason, it sound to me as though you are putting a lot more into this friendship than he is. If the question in the message was work-related and you didn't get a reply, are you incapable of going and asking directly? If it wasn't work related, then it sounds as though he doesn't want to reply and you ought to start minding your own business. YABU to obsess over this and you clearly know it, given how defensive you have become over this. Shakespeare was right when he said 'the lady doth protest too much'...

FollowTheStarship · 01/01/2015 09:46

As a rule of thumb.... no email, text, carrier pigeon message or other letter etc. MUST be replied to at once. There is no timeframe, there is no obligation. I expect to be allowed to take my time to reply and I do my friends the same courtesy in return. People are busy, they forget, they make mistakes, they may just not wish to think about how to respond for the time being.

The only exception to that IMO is your own partner or DC if you are getting in touch with an urgent piece of info or worried about where they are etc (and you're being reasonable about it). So that's why obsessing over this guy's response makes it sound a bit as if you perhaps feel inappropriately close to him. Not saying you do, it's just how it sounds.

I do know that you should NOT do anything like say DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE??? when you see him. :o

I probably have an extreme view on this though - I absolutely hate being badgered to reply to a message with no important content (i.e. Happy New Year as opposed to can you send me that copy). Happily, I've probably self-selected my friends in that way. Anyone who gets angsty about not getting an instant reply gets no joy from me, so they've probably gone elsewhere.

SecondRow · 01/01/2015 09:48

If the question was along the lines of "What are you doing tonight/how are you planning to see in the NY?" he could have interpreted it as angling to meet up, salsa, even if you intended it just as a casual chatty enquiry. Is that why you think MNers would jump to the same conclusion?

anonacfr · 01/01/2015 09:48

FFS that man might have received dozens of Happy New Year messages and is not going to reply to all of them!

I can't believe OP is so offended he hasn't replied.

I'm not even going to speculate on bunny boiler issues. I just think the OP is very self-obsessed.

Yesterday I posted a Happy New Year message on FB. I got 2 messages back. Boo hoo. Not.

sonjadog · 01/01/2015 09:49

You have posted about him before, haven't you. He's senior and helped you with your job and now you've moved posts and don't have direct contact with him but you are determined that you are going to keep up this special connection you think you two have. You were sending him mail telling him how the person who had taken over your job wasn't doing it properly. He had stopped answering your email in the last thread you started.

You need to back off and leave this man alone. Obviously the HNY message wasn't just that. You were testing him to see if he would respond. That's why you are so worked up about him not responding. His not answering is not a random response either. He isn't responding because he wants you to BACK OFF.

Fanfeckintastic · 01/01/2015 09:51

I would feel really uncomfortable if my DP wished someone a happy new year and spent the next 12+ hours obsessing, posting a thread about it etc. We have a really happy little life with lots going on and I think if he was obsessing to this degree over something so insignificant, it would definitely raise a little red flag that things weren't as rosy as I thought they were.

You aren't coming across as a very pleasant person, you say it's because you're being asked the same questions etc but surely that happens on occasion in a work environment, so it's possible he just doesn't like you very much.