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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to obbsess over an ignored message?

354 replies

SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 05:45

A superior at work has helped me loads in my job and we get on famously. Few months back we exchanged numbers and we've reached a comfortable stage where we've gone for a couple quick coffees after work when he's in town. He's shared pictures of his lovely kids with me as well, so we've become quite friendly.

Today at work I sent him a message to say happy new year to him and his family and to thank him for all his help this year.

This was in the morning. And there has been no response at all.

This is jarring because he's always quick to reply and if he's busy he will say so and respond in more detail a few hours later.

Without going into detail I know he read the message and I know today wasn't a busy day at work for anybody. So it's apparent he just ignored the message deliberately.

Given the positive note things have been on, I don't understand why he just didn't reply?! I can't think of anything I may have done to offend so I'm completely puzzled here.

I know I shouldn't take this so seriously but I can't stop obsessing over it.

OP posts:
Fedupmuch · 01/01/2015 09:08

It could be one of three reasons :

  1. he thinks your getting over familiar. Wrongly or rightly. 2)his wife thinks your getting over familiar. Wrongly or rightly.
  2. he has been too busy to reply. I also disagree with the 2 min to respond theory. Let's assume he also got half a dozen similar messages like you sent. 2 mins to read each, 2 mins to reply to each minimum. That makes at least 24 minutes!. That's assuming his reply is simple and straight forward. If your question was "What you up to for new year". It could be a really long answer depending on what he is up to.
  3. If you are the type to fire him another message as soon as you've had a reply this might prevent him replying. I had a colleague that would do this. Not meaning anything but whilst she was obviously twiddling her thumbs and able to have time to have conversations by email I didn't. I'd reply once to be polite and then I'd get another email!. I'd be like WTF does she not have work to do!.
Fedupmuch · 01/01/2015 09:09

Ps I thought of the 4th at the last minute! X

Spellcheck · 01/01/2015 09:11

He realises you are getting too involved, and that you expected an answer. He's protecting his marriage. Fair enough.

Are you in a relationship, OP?

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 09:11

Honestly by this stage in the thread I don't see the point of me giving a serious reply.

I've been called a bunny boiler, been accused of sexual harassment and been insulted by people who think they know about what my job involves.

So Im just playing along. P

Even if I type out my message here word by word someone will come long and say it was me trying to arrange a "rendezvous". So there isn't any point.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 01/01/2015 09:12

Well, you don't sound like superwoman.

You've got loads of time to send and respond to trivial, non-work messages and obsess over why this guy hasn't got back to you, rather than thinking he was busy working.

Maybe you should be asking why he hasn't responded to your work message by sending you a private text message?

ArsenicFaceCream · 01/01/2015 09:13

And re the 2 seconds - not only does it take minutes, not seconds - if the answer to the question required consideration, he could still be considering. Which is why the question might be key, but only you know what it was and you are convinced 2 secs is a reasonable timeframe to reply so Confused

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 09:13

Yes, I am in a relationship.

But obviously Im cheating on my boyfriend because I wished another man happy new year.

OP posts:
Bakeoffcakes · 01/01/2015 09:14

Salsa do you get this obsessed if friends and family don't respond to a message?

Camolips · 01/01/2015 09:14

I think I need to know the full content of the message before I can give my valued opinion.

ArsenicFaceCream · 01/01/2015 09:15

OP you're being a tad sensitive. You really don't need to pitch your responses at the level of the most outrageous posts you've received. You can just ignore the silly responses and continue a semi-sensible conversation. (Took me three AIBU OPing attempts to realise that Grin)

londonrach · 01/01/2015 09:16

Over thinking it. Havent read thread. Are you in a relationship with him hence why you worried he hasnt replied. If no relationship you very over thinking it.

Toooldtobearsed · 01/01/2015 09:16

Jesus, Salsa, I can understand your increasingly frustrated responses..... You are being unreasonable though. I am Queen of the non responders I am afraid, but it means nothing.
Just before Christmas I was trying to 'tidy things away' for the year and received four or five Christmassy emails which I read in between doing jobs, meant to respond to, but never got around to it. These were mails from people I like too Sad

Don't overthink it, but don't have a sulky strop when you are back at work, just let it go and carry on as usual.

And Happy New Year!

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 01/01/2015 09:16

Well I can't think why he hasn't replied.

You seem very approachable.

Bakeoffcakes · 01/01/2015 09:17

"So Im just playing along. P"

Maybe it's best of we all stopped posting then?

gamerchick · 01/01/2015 09:17

It's the defensive way you've exploded is why. My private thought was you had asked him to meet you last night just by reading the thread.

He'll have read and forgot to reply later. It's so easy to do.

Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 09:18

Happy new year to you as well Toooldtobearsed! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
SalsaOnCrackers · 01/01/2015 09:20

ok, this is crazy.

I absolute,y did not ask him to meet me last night.

Good grief.

OP posts:
StickEm · 01/01/2015 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spellcheck · 01/01/2015 09:20

Ok, so you're in a relationship. How would you feel if your partner messaged their superior at work, and then fretted for 24 hours as to why they didn't reply? And even took steps to ensure they actually got the message? And then posted on an Internet forum about their worries?

I think you would be worried about a friendship that has become a bit of an obsession.

MarjorieMelon · 01/01/2015 09:21

People ignore my messages all the time. It does get to me if I've asked a question but otherwise I take it on the chin. What else can you do? I definitely think that you "like" him. Wink

TheChandler · 01/01/2015 09:21

been accused of sexual harassment

You haven't been accused of sexual harassment. Its been suggested that its unwise to send too many personal messages at work, because one of the interpretations that can be taken from that is that can be sexual harassment. So its wise to protect yourself by keeping communications to mainly work-related matters and not send too many personal messages. I've known people at work suspended for misusing office email systems for similar.

You are not behaving as a friend towards this man. Unless you insist your friends all instantly respond to emails, which is ridiculous. You don't seem to understand why you come across as obsessive at all.

Unless you have been having one of those sort of flirty constant messaging friendships where you constantly exchange messages during the day with a man at work and either his wife has found out or he has got fed up.

Don't you get courses on this sort of stuff at work? Because you certainly need it. Along the lines of "work is for work and work-related stuff". Why do you need to send someone a message at work on the work email system anyway? If you bump into him during work hours, surely just wish him it in person, if not, wait til you see him. Problem over.

Bakeoffcakes · 01/01/2015 09:21

Tooold why on earth would she have "a sulky strop" when she gets back to work? Xmas Confused

KatieKaye · 01/01/2015 09:21

Why are you so worked up about this?

You wished him a happy new year.

end of.

He didn't respond.

So what?

No reason to go on about how it only takes 2 seconds to respond (which obviously isn't true) or how you always do X, Y or Z because you aren't this man. You have the time to send non-work messages and to respond to these too. That does suggest a certain type of workload

He is your senior at work. In all probability he has a more demanding and more responsible job than you do because he is your senior. Very possible he has neither the time nor the inclination to send/respond to non-work messages.

Or maybe he wants you to stop contacting him.

WipsGlitter · 01/01/2015 09:24

I find it annoying when people don't respond quickly. It takes seconds to read a brief message not two minutes unless you are a very slow reader. (It will not have taken two minutes to read this post for example)

But I think you do need to pause and think about why this is getting to you so much.

Icimoi · 01/01/2015 09:24

You were both in the office till 7 pm? If or were that bothered, why didn't you just go and put your head round the door to see him rather than spending hours worrying about this?

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