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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to exchange her gift?

135 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 31/12/2014 11:13

Hoping this won't out me in RL.....

DDs birthday is this week and when SIL asked what to get her DH suggested a particular toy. I was a bit Hmm because SIL has form for odd gifts and this was an important toy of which there are lots of variations of but DD wanted the nice type. (Sorry trying to be bit cautious here!). But DH was sure SIL understood.

Anyway DH has just had a little wobbly about it, knowing how important the right type is to DD and carefully opened the gift to check it (SIL left it here at Christmas) and no it isn't the nice version. It's a cheap, crummy version.

The way I see it the best option now is for DH to say "really sorry but DD has been given a gift early by (distant relative) and its that toy. Can you exchange it? AIBU to suggest that?
The only other option is that we buy her the nice version and after her birthday give the other to the charity shop. We don't have room for two versions and tbh DD didn't want much for her birthday and will be disappointed with this.

OP posts:
ILovePud · 31/12/2014 16:11

I can see why you're upset by this OP. I'd buy her the one she wanted yourself, have a quiet word with her to say Auntie has got the wrong one but not to say anything to her incase it hurts her feelings and that the proper one is hidden away for later. Then I'd chalk this up to experience and never ask her to buy the important gifts again.

TchaikovskyForTea · 31/12/2014 16:14

I think you are being treated harshly here op. I doubt very much that if their children wanted Lego, these posters would by a cheap construction set from The Works. It's a comparable situation.

Perhaps you can buy her the real toy and then exchange the other item unopened after her birthday?

PhaedraIsMyName · 31/12/2014 16:33

I doubt very much that if their children wanted Lego, these posters would by a cheap construction set from The Works. It's a comparable situation.

Well presumably if it were so important they would have bought the correct version themselves.

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 31/12/2014 16:35

What does DH want to do about it? It's his mess really.

ILovedYouYesterday · 31/12/2014 16:52

I wanted an action man as a husband for my sindys. I was given a cheapo fake one whose arms and legs fell off constantly. I played with him for years but, to be absolutely honest, never really liked him and secretly wished for the real one. In fairness, my parents were not loaded and did their best, it hasn't scarred me for life or anything but...

I would go along with buying the real one yourself, telling DD to act pleased with the fake one and thank her auntie nicely (if she's there) and save the real one for later.

And make sure DH doesn't do this again!

SaucyMare · 31/12/2014 16:54

My dad does this. You ask for a single pair of wool walking socks (easily in price) he buys you a 12 pack of white sports socks. You ask for a small set of nice paints, he buys you a set of paints, pencils, felt tips none of which actually work, but look flashier.

After a few years it gets really annoying of finding something to do with the crap.

Greencurtain · 31/12/2014 17:05

Fake stuff is cheap for a reason - a lot of it is shit.

Eg rainbow loom bands are a lot better than fashion loom bands. The fashion loom bands are uneven widths (ugly and they split) and they are sticky feeling. Buying fake/inferior often means buying twice. Thanks WHSmith for stocking such shite - I didn't know those loom bands weren't the proper ones and trusted WHS were reputable - lesson learnt!

Op I suggest you explain to your dd that your SIL bought the wrong thing and that when she opens it, she is to thank SiL with a smile. You can promise dd in advance that you will get the proper thing to replace SIL's oresent. I don't think you should say anything to your SIL and use it as a lesson in manners for your dd (not suggesting she is ill mannered btw). Tell dd it is ordered online etc, she's turning 9, she will understand. My DS is about to turn 9 and would be fine with this arrangement.

Greencurtain · 31/12/2014 17:07

Oh yes and tell dh to be more careful!

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 31/12/2014 17:19

She wrapped your dd's birthday gift in Christmas paper? For that alone I would kill her.

I hope you can get dd the real version in time for her birthday, and find another home for the one sil gave her.

Tell dh he is only permitted to say 'a gift card' in future, because clearly he and his sister have communication problems, if he asked for one gift and yet you received a different but similar one.

PumpkinsMummy · 31/12/2014 17:35

I was the kid whose mother took on board my requests for certain coveted toys (I wasn't greedy, would have been happy with two or three small things if they were the ones I wanted). And then she bought me one which she thought were almost the same, but to me lacked all the things which made it special. I always acted grateful and this made it worse as the shit present buying continued .

I understand not wanting to be rude, but why would your adult SIL's feelings more important than a 9 year old girls, who has had a tough year? Given your info about dictating her own children's presents, and not giving them fakes, I would open the present (saying as it was in christmas paper it got mixed up) and dreadfully sorry, but you got the wrong one SIL. Here is this one back and the weblink to the correct one or shall I order myself (sickly smile?)

So what if she takes offense, she hasn't cared about your daughters feelings being given the wrong thing of the one small thing she requested so fuck her.

Obviously if money were an issue or she was genuinely trying hard then I would say suck it up but she sounds like she just doesn't care, so nor should you care about setting it right.

BadKatie · 31/12/2014 17:35

Is your daughter a Princess??

You should give her the toy and teach her the value of a receiving a 'gift'.

PumpkinsMummy · 31/12/2014 17:37

oh dear, terrible grammar but you get the picture I hope!

BadKatie · 31/12/2014 17:38

...and if it was that important and not really that expensive, why didnt buy it?? In future, let SIL choose a present for her then no-one wil be disappointed

PhaedraIsMyName · 31/12/2014 17:43

Pumpkins what an aggressive post. I've no idea what this item was but if it was so important OP should have bought it herself.

You are assuming Sil just couldn't be bothered/didn't care. We have no idea what sort of garbled instructions she got. OP said herself Sil has a history of odd gifts so why has the responsibility for this fallen on Sil's shoulders?

sanfairyanne · 31/12/2014 17:51

buy the other one, re wrap it in the original paper, practise 'neutral face' for when it is opened in front of sil
say nothing, ever, and if necessary, deny swapping it
over praise sil for buying 'just the right gift'

PumpkinsMummy · 31/12/2014 17:58

Was it? It wasn't meant to be Phaedra. But the OP has said that SIL would never get fake toys for her own children, and always gives OP a list to buy from, which suggests to me that she is perfectly well aware of how children like branded items of certain film franchises, TV shows, etc.

OP also stated that SIL does not have any financial constraints that would make a £15 gift out of range making a copy version her nearest option. OP also stated that her DH was sure that SIL had understood it was this specific toy DD wanted, so he obviously spelled it out. I took it to mean that the SIL made odd choices due to lack of knowing the child and her interests as she only visits twice a year.

I suspect OP was going to buy the item but was told SIL was going to get it so didn't bother. SIL bought the wrong thing, after being told specifically what to buy, and has form. She is responsible.

The defence rests mi'lord.

PumpkinsMummy · 31/12/2014 17:59

sanfairyanne is a genius, do that. No offense given (outwardly) and no disappointed child.

PhaedraIsMyName · 31/12/2014 18:48

Yes I meant to say that as well re Sanfairyanne's comment.

cansu · 31/12/2014 18:58

Fgs just buy the one she wants as well. If sil says anything say it's from a friend of yours and you didn't know what she had bought your dd. if it's not available tell your dd that one of her gifts hasn't arrived on time and you will have it next week.

erin99 · 31/12/2014 19:55

Is DD going to get any birthday or christmas money? If so, just plant the seed beforehand that if she doesn't get something on her list she can spend birthday money on it. Let her open the original gift, then she can decide whether the proper one is worth paying out for.

I don't think it would spoil her day. Spending money is a v exciting part of birthdays at this age.

GatoradeMeBitch · 31/12/2014 19:55

What if your dear old friend Brenda from Birmingham (Oh? Have you never mentioned her before? You used to work together/met at lamaze classes/something else) sent your dd that toy? You must have mentioned it to her ages ago then forgot...

Gem124 · 31/12/2014 21:36

I would just let your daughter open it but explain that you know it's not what she wants but you'll get it for her but to still thank her auntie xx

2015 · 31/12/2014 21:47

I'd explain the situation to your DD and ask her if she wants you to get the nicer version later on. It won't ruin her birthday in the slightest. It's just one present from someone she barely sees. It's not a big issue at all.

If the SIL only visits 'maybe twice a year' it doesn't really matter if you charity shop the unwanted present.

I can't think of any toy that would only cost a fiver bug would take up lots of space.

LaLyra · 31/12/2014 22:05

I'm all for teaching children that they don't get everything they want, but her birthday isn't the day for that. I would just buy her the proper one, or tell her that X has bought her Y present, but it has been delayed in the post.

I always open presents before the children open them. A MIL with an inability to buy anything age appropriate (roller blades for a 3 year old anyone?) and two SIL's who have an uncanny ability to buy exactly the same thing means I like to have a look just in case something needs swapped out.

Minerves · 31/12/2014 22:28

i'd give it to her but talk to her first like others suggest