To ask her to exchange her gift?

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Hoping this won't out me in RL.....

DDs birthday is this week and when SIL asked what to get her DH suggested a particular toy. I was a bit because SIL has form for odd gifts and this was an important toy of which there are lots of variations of but DD wanted the nice type. (Sorry trying to be bit cautious here!). But DH was sure SIL understood.

Anyway DH has just had a little wobbly about it, knowing how important the right type is to DD and carefully opened the gift to check it (SIL left it here at Christmas) and no it isn't the nice version. It's a cheap, crummy version.

The way I see it the best option now is for DH to say "really sorry but DD has been given a gift early by (distant relative) and its that toy. Can you exchange it? AIBU to suggest that?
The only other option is that we buy her the nice version and after her birthday give the other to the charity shop. We don't have room for two versions and tbh DD didn't want much for her birthday and will be disappointed with this.

No she's not a brat. She's a little girl who is having a really tough time and I wanted her to have a nice birthday. She's had plenty of disappointments lately that's all.

And yes it's DH who is to blame, which is why HE opened the gift. But of course now it's me who needs to decide what to do!!

I agree, buy the right one give it to her early/ first thing in the morning.

Make sure dd is appropriately pleased with other one, rehome at your leisure.

Blame communication error with dh.

I understand about important toys / presents, it's not just about brand snobbery (which I'm not into) and I don't think any of you are be unreasonable. Although personally I wouldn't have opened the present to check.

Some people have the attitude that you should be grateful for anything somebody gifts you even if you're an infertile cancer survivor with no periods and someone gives you a crate of sanitary towels, if they've put pretty paper round it you should be gushingly grateful!

WHaaaaat?? I'm so with you Toast! Be cross with DH, buy proper version yourself and apologise massively to SIL, take all the blame yourself and explain that someone bought her the thing unexpectedly.

I think that in this situation the child is the paramount thing and I simply cannot understand why peeking inside the wrapping to check it's the right gift is any way reprehensible!

There's no suggestion of the child being spoilt, just of a little girl whose birthday it is and who wants a specific toy; of which everyone was aware and had tried to ensure happened. The basic choices here are: disappoint the child or potentially make the SIL feel a bit put out. I know which I'd choose.

Toast - pleeeeeease go and buy her the right version and take comfort from the fact that because your SIL has left the gift with you already, does that probably mean that she's hopefully intending to pull out of the birthday thing??

Do you know what: I think you should warm your DD that you think you snd her aunt have accidentally doubled up on gifts. Tell her to say thank you nicely to her Aunt and then later on give her the 'proper' version from you. To be honest I am with you, so now just go to the shop and get the right thing to make your DD happy. SIL need never know. Problem solved surely????

Warm = warn

Naming the toy isn't going to out her anymore than this thread in itself will.

If it's a cheap 'not lego, lego' set then it will make a huge difference. If it's a doll or something then maybe DD will actually like it just as much. Kids are weird little creatures, you never can tell!

I've changed enough little details that it shouldn't out me.

But yes along the lines of lego, not lego. A cheaper version than the branded one and not like the proper version.

Unfortunately at this late stage it's not looking like I can get one. Will try ordering online but its unlikely to get here in time.

Really need to know the present to understand the issue. For example when DS was really into Harry Potter and coveted a Harry Potter wand packaged in the box as in the film when HP was given his first wand and instead got a wand in a plastic pack I expect there was a chance he would have been disappointed.

But I wouldn't say to SIL as that would be rude, if I knew in advance I would discretely prep him to make sure he was grateful for any present he was given and I would just get him one myself later if it was still an issue.

Turned out he was fine with the cheap wand and it was a passing interest in the wand (still loved the books/dvd's), so no problem in the end.

Usually, I would agree with the other posters who said every child must get used to disappointment and buy it later if need be BUT in this case it sounds like your DD has had a shit year and you want her to have something good happen for her birthday... in this case the ONE gift that she really wants. In which case, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want to make this right.

Of course, I think the real problem is that there has been a problem created but not through any real malice. Perhaps your SIL was a bit thoughtless but it doesn't sound like she's bought the gift to be nasty. Perhaps your DH should have thought more carefully about your SIL's general behaviour but it doesn't sound like he suggested the gift expecting the crap version. Perhaps you shouldn't really peek at children's present, but you and your DH did that with the best of intentions.

SO WHAT TO DO...

If SIL is likely to be at the party, your hands are tied. Your DD will have to open the gift, but just give her the proper version early in the day and then before the party tell your DD "remember, sometimes you won't always get something you want or sometimes more than one person will buy you the same present. Just remember to be polite and we will sort everything out tomorrow."

Then next year tell your SIL your DD likes cash and vouchers!

I think if your DD has already seen the wrapped present or sends thank you notes etc you can't swap the present yourself and I do think perhaps even though it's not exactly rude to ask your SIL to exchange the gift she may take it the wrong way (and understandably so), hence I feel that the easiest approach would be the one outlined above, but really, do what you think it best for your daughter. Happy New Year!

Have just seen that you might not be able to get the proper version on time.

Maybe just tell her that you have a special gift coming in the mail for her and give it to her when it comes with some sweets or something when it does arrive?

If SIL does no show at the party, don't give DD the gift?

A lot of angst over a present.

Do you have a dog? Cat? Younger child? Blame them for accidentally opening the present then explain actually DD really wants the proper one. Your sure she'll understand and could you exchange please. Your SIL asks for specific presents.

I guess cat could have.... Or we got confused as it was wrapped in Christmas paper and thought it was a leftover Christmas gift?

And yes a lot of angst I know. Sorry about that.

She'll understand that dd actually want the "proper" one, sockmatcher? Really?? I wouldn't count on that...

The second one!

Yep throw it back onto her. If its fake Lego then its just not the same. Feels different, weigh different, just doesn't fit right. I hate fake Lego

Can you not just buy the proper one, give it to dd in advance of the party, tell her that you had a sneaky look at sil's present and it is a copy and she needs to act surprised etc.

In future don't ask sil to buy presents where there is ambiguity. If dd wants something specific buy it yourself.

Is it Paddington bear? I was given a fake one when I was little but I love him.

And wrapped in Christmas paper. FFS!

Do you think has just been careless by buying the cheap version, or is she trying to make a passive aggressive point about something?

I don't think its bad to try and get your DD the one thing she's actually asked for for her birthday.

You buy her the right one.
If SIL is there for birthday blame lack of communication between SIL DH and you.

If DD has specified that she wants this, ask her if she'd mind if it was a copy. If yes, then order the correct one, warn her about the one SIL has got her, and let her know the 'real' one is on its way. When the real one arrives, give the other to a charity shop. Sorted.