To think that it's neglectful to not brush a child's hair?

[YouAreMyRain]

DD (8yo) has a neurological condition which means that she constant rubs her head on her pillow all night, every night. This means that her hair is very tangled every morning and she needs a lot of help, with spray oils etc to brush it properly every day. She can't do it herself and it is a real task even for me.

The last weekend she spent with her dad (my ExH) she came back with really matted hair and I reminded him that she needs help to brush it, or at least "check" it for her when she has finished.

He brought her back last night, after having her for five days over Christmas. He has not helped her to brush her hair once during this time. It was almost in dreadlocks and it took over an hour, a bottle of conditioner and lots of distress to sort her hair out.

AIBU to think that this is very neglectful on his part? She has had fun over Christmas with him and I know I have residual anger towards him so I'm not sure how upset it is reasonable to be about this.

DD also has MH issues and low self esteem and I think that makes this worse.

Mrs DV my children are mixed race and learned to manage their hair before their teens either by choosing a very short style or working at it. So some children with afro help might need help well into their teens but not all do.

Did ex actually try to help her/check her hair or do anything hair related? I think there is a difference between making an attempt and not succeeding (if the OP regularly takes 15 minutes with her lotions and potions and special combs and is used to doing it, fair guess to assume it would take much longer without all this).

All very well saying that he has to learn to accommodate her wants, but this goes beyond mere simple hair brushing.

My 8 year old DD has her hair cut into a bob just above her shoulders. As far as I'm aware, no one has accused her of being a boy . On the other hand, she does want blonde hair because most of the girls in her class do. Funnily enough I'm not about to dye an 8 year old's hair, so she just has to accept this isn't practical.

To be honest, OP, my dad was hopeless at doing his for me as a kid. I remember him taking me to my auntie's to have it put in a pony tail! DH is similarly useless. I think it has more to men in general not being used to dealing with long hair and its maintenance. You admitted yourself that it may be residual anger towards him and I would tend to agree.

I agree with cutting it fairly short as a temporary measure. And it's not really for anyone's convenience. Your DD is distressed by having her hair brushed and it would be sensible to reduce that distress as much as possible.

I'm agreeing with MrsDV, here. While short hair might be easier to look after, it's not what the OP's DD wants.

DS2 is the same age with SN and, unconventionally, has never had short hair. He's visibly sad if we cut too much off. It does get matted, though, particularly when he's rubbing his head on our textured sofa, and we do have to keep on top of brushing and spraying it. Thankfully, he loves having his hair brushed, unless it's full of toothpaste and then it's nigh on impossible and he becomes rather fed up, pretty quickly.

What happens then should a child get nits and you have to leave that stuff in their hair/on their heads without disturbing it?

If a child doesn't mind having its hair brushed to de-mat it then fine.

Why are people referring to a hair cut as chopping it off or hacking it off? When I spend £50 at the hairdressers I never ask them to hack at my hair.

i think you either need to cut it short, or dread it.
It sounds like your regime of painful brushing just so she can have flowing girly hair, is unsustainable. If it dreads after one night of not brushing then you cant call that neglect

Exactly granny. And short hair does not equal old fashioned or dated, I have a very trendy angular bob that is so much easier for me to take care of, and dd 7 shock horror has a plain bob. All those who criticise me cutting dd hair, well you come an brush her hair every morning and watch her melting down and distressed simply because she is sensitive to the brush prickles. Having shorter hair, makes it less protracted task.

But cutting it might not make much of a difference as a PP stated.

and it's all very well people saying to braid it or do something before she goes. but emergencies happen. She should be able to drop her off in an emergency and not have to worry that she hasn't cut it yet or plaited it.

whatever she does HE still needs to get onto the habit of checking and brushing his Dds hair.

oh and I wouldn't give a shit how long it takes him. be better teach himself bloody quick then hadn't he. and his time is no more special than hers is.

It's HER choice to do it, not HIS choice. He actually has the equal right to decide that. I wonder which of the two would feel it is their ultimate decision to get their child's hair cut?

Lying, no worries - I'd written once a fortnight in a previous post - hard to keep track of who says what.

Re nits, then yes, I'd do the necessary solutions and potions and comb as needed to rid ourselves of the problem. But plain old knotty hair, is just not a big deal, shouldn't be seen as one, is no indication of neglect (as long as the child is happy and healthy, no other signs of neglect, of course).

My four yo LOVES his big mop of hair. No way will I a) hurt him by brushing it (unless he gets nits) b) assert my wishes over his re his own bodily autonomy by either brushing it against his will or forcing a cut c) tell him we have to conform because most people think neat hair is necessary. Those are far more important considerations than neat hair and what other people think.

Yeah well given he's so bloody lazy he can't brush his own kids hair I doubt his choices would be for any reason other than saving him the hassle of being a parent.

With a mentality like that he can bugger off with his choices quite frankly.

It's HER choice to do it, not HIS choice. He actually has the equal right to decide that. I wonder which of the two would feel it is their ultimate decision to get their child's hair cut?

It's the child's choice.

Giles, I am not being lazy by not brushing my child's hair every day. I am respecting his wishes, respecting his bodily autonomy, and showing him that we don't have to do things we don't want to just because society deems certain things the done way. (Of course, some things we do have to do. Teeth brushing, yes. Essential. Hair brushing, no, not essential.) I am a very hands on parent, can't be accused of laziness at all (not re my child, anyway!), so maybe the father in the OP is of a similar persuasion to me.

except the dd doesn't want tangled messy hair. It happens through reasons out of her control not through choice. and tbh have g a school age child and such high risk of head lice I thing not brushing is a huge risk tbh. as if you can't comb through your screwed.

Respecting his bodily autonomy? By letting him go around looking a mess? Sorry there is a line. I mean he is 4 and doesn't always know what is good for him. Sorry if that's harsh.

Sorry,I know you think it looks like a wild surfer dude.

Both my girls have short hair. I don't think tiny girls with long hair look nice. I don't think cutting her hair would be doing her a disservice.

I'd have to agree, fanjo. A four year old with a "big mop" of matted, unbrushed hair would not make me think wild surfer dude
Little snotty orphan, more like.

Giles, then she has to understand a little pain brushing for the gain of neat combed hair. Coconut oil is my tip for the OP, rub it in your palms first, warming it slightly, then off you go.

fanjo, I am respecting his bodily autonomy to look a 'mess' as much as I respect a rock star or a surfer to have their hair unconventional too. It's really not the end of the world having messy hair. No, at four, he doesn't always know what's good for him, but his father and I do, and combed hair is really no biggie, in our opinion.

IME I have found that schools DO consider matted mops.of hair to be a sign of neglect so you may need to keep.more on top of it once he starts school.

Flogging, if you saw him, you wouldn't think that. He has never been snotty (yes, seriously, never), but that aside, he is beautifully dressed, sweet-natured, and usually clean (exceptions are when he has just been at the beach/somewhere muddy, and then sure, I let him get as dirty as he likes.). He swims usually five times a week, loves baths and showers, so is usually pristine. Just has a wild mop of rock star hair.