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AIBU?

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Original poster

Buying presents for those with more children than you

157 replies

metropolis · 28/12/2014 02:57

Christmas is for giving and not receiving and all that. But does anyone think its slightly unfair when you have to buy Christmas/Birthday presents for family who have more children when they don't give much back for your only child? A few years ago my brother-in-law and his wife decided they no longer wanted to give myself and my partner (his brother) presents, nor receive any as they didn't see the point in it. They have 2 children and we carried on buying their children presents as usual. Years later we had a child. We never used to have a threshold for cost of presents - we just asked what their children wanted and they would tell us. She has since capped a £10 budget on each child. Fair enough I suppose if they have 2 kids and we only have 1. But when they get a present for my DS they spend as close to £10. They never get him anything much more. I think its a little unfair as we end up spending £20 on their kids and they only spend £10 on our DS. Money never used to come into it till she made an issue out of it.

OP posts:
helenenemo · 29/12/2014 22:03

Well I buy my 3 nephews a present each.... I don't have kids.. My sister should buy me a present of the same value as the total!!!!!!!!

Or maybe I should have a present individually from each child?

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

GoodZingWenceslass · 29/12/2014 22:18

helen

individual presents from each child of course. and none of those crappy drawings of Santa or a badly made felt stocking thing! that just won't do!

In fact may be best if you buy the presents and hand over receipts so they can give you the exact amount - basically paying for their own presents. I might try that too

Wink
sweetkitty · 29/12/2014 22:26

I can see your point OP

For my own circumstances we always bought DB & SIL a present even before DC were involved, we got nothing in return.

Now we have 4 DC DB sends us £80 and tells me to buy the DCs something. DB has one child I spent £40 on him this year and still bought DB and SIL a present because it's Christmas and I wanted too.

Frikadellen · 29/12/2014 22:32

You can always do what both my SIL and DSis did and do the whole "now the children are older lets not bother with presents"

So their children got presents up to age 16/18 and mine stopped getting any from their aunts from age -the oldest- 10 youngest - 6)

As it is over the years If I added it up I know dh and I have spent way more than sil or sis ever did on our children. I don't begrudge my nephews and nieces the presents. (heck my niece lived with me for 18 months I love her to pieces)

It however makes me desperately sad for my children, that neither of their aunts feel their nieces and nephew are worth a small present.

GoodZingWenceslass · 29/12/2014 22:46

frika

but why didn't you say "yes, the child that reaches 18 will stop getting presents. the rest should carry on."

that's fair and reasonable

bronya · 29/12/2014 23:03

It could just be like my in-laws. We buy for their DC, they don't buy for ours. We don't mind, it's just the way it is.

roastednut · 29/12/2014 23:13

I don't get the 'we don't mind it's just the way it is' - I really admire (and envy!) how laid back you are but at the risk of sounding like a sulky teenager surely it's just not fair?!!

TooHasty · 29/12/2014 23:53

I was first in my family to have Dc and my sibs bought them lovely presents.By the time they started having DC I had 4 of my own and had to tell them that we weren't exchanging presents with anyone anymore( except a token for my parents and PILs).No it's probably 'not fair' but that isn't what presents are about. It is ridiculous to buy gifts you can't afford.

Frikadellen · 30/12/2014 00:24

Because Zing SIL was far more clever than that.. She phoned dh and told him " we will stop presents now the children are all older" No question about it. and DH was not able to tackle her without feeling that he was sounding greedy. (I do get that)

& when my sister did it. She picked 7 days before Christmas after I already had sent my presents to her. (she lives abroad)

You cant make people do stuff they don't wish to do. However I notice and yes I feel bad for my children over it. I also admit to a passive aggressive comment to my sister this year about how few presents my children got.

Silverdaisy · 30/12/2014 01:08

I could slightly understand the situation. But when you said they own a detached house and you rent, that sounds like jealousy. Perhaps their mortgage is huge?

Gingerfudge · 30/12/2014 04:52

Have some sympathy for the op. I bought lovely well though out gift for my niece and nephew, never got thanked by the kids or their parents. Then when I had dcs, they bought them the shittiest cheapest gifts and often nothing at all...I felt quite insulted really. Felt much better when I stopped sending them anything.

musicalendorphins2 · 30/12/2014 05:39

Perhaps how they afford their house is because they are very thrifty? Not sure, maybe the idea is now that you have a child of your own, they didn't want you to feel you had to continue with spending larger amounts.

PastPerfect · 30/12/2014 05:57

1981 perhaps you should factor in what people earn, cost of petrol in delivering presents plus of course defection for the wine they consumed at your house Christmas 2007 when they only bought one bottle but probably drank an extra glass....

Going through life like this, reducing gift giving to a pure financial transaction is the most miserably depressing thing I have ever heard

TarkaTheOtter · 30/12/2014 06:13

A few people on here (OP included) saying they "don't give to receive" when clearly they do.
Buy presents you can afford and want to give. Stop worrying about what you get back in return.

BeyondTheSea · 30/12/2014 07:59

I don't think it's about the money, it's about people being less thoughtful or worse taking advantage of others.

notauniquename · 30/12/2014 13:25

Throughout this thread there are a bunch of stories about how certain family members are happy to receive stuff for themselves and request expensive presents for their own kids, when it suits them, then when it comes to them doing the giving suddenly the thought of having to buy an extra present for a new born, or having to spend their hard earned money thinking about anyone else seems too much and they put limits on it or say that gifts are too expensive and all this gift giving has to stop...

That's not giving to receive, and it is not at all unreasonable to think that's mean.

For the OP though you were happy to give DNs presents?
It is sad to think that your family don't care about your kids as much and that your kids won't receive as much as their kids did.

But I wouldn't waste too much energy on being bitter about it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/12/2014 13:39

These are your nephews and nieces, presumably? Don't buy for any friends' children but really, don't begrudge for family - or just make a stand that you don't buy for anybody and nobody should for you and yours either.

QTPie · 30/12/2014 15:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Mammanat222 · 30/12/2014 16:10

My youngest bro has 10 of the little monsters to buy for and no kids of his own.

I tell him every year not to go mad - especially at Christmas - at least Birthdays are a little more spread out.

I do always tend to get him a little something though (bottle of booze usually) but he is my little baby brother!!

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/12/2014 16:30

I don't know why it is, but the first few replies on a thread are usually all in agreement and of an opposite opinion to me! Grin

I totally understand and agree OP. There's not much you can do about it though!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/12/2014 17:09

I understand OP as well. It doesn't seem fair, it's just there's no quick and easy way out of it... not without being seen to be 'getting out of it' or trying to. I don't know what the answer is.

FlowerFairy2014 · 30/12/2014 17:32

We don't really go in for presents here - I didn't wrap a single one at Christmas.

People should not so as to receive back. If you feel you spend too much spend less next year. I suggested a rule - no presents for any cousins over 18 which then made the numbers fairer and also called a halt on potentially years more of being given things you don't want.

Blu · 30/12/2014 17:52

Hopefully your child will get the expensive Lego as a hand me downs?

LinghamStyle · 30/12/2014 17:52

I don't buy Christmas presents for the children in our family, and my children don't receive presents from their parents either. I do buy presents for my friends DD, I spend about £25-30 and my friend spends roughly the same on my 3 DC.

I buy birthday presents for the children of family (cousins as I am an only) and again I spent about £30 per child as they are buying for 3. I've never really thought about it before though, just something I've automatically done.

BinarySolo · 31/12/2014 08:16

I'm currently pregnant with dc3. All our friends are childless or have 2 dc. Actually we only exchange presents with one friend and sil and just for the kids so it was all even(ish) with everyone having 2 dc. I do worry about it being unfair on every one else now that we'll have an extra dc.

We probably have the least money out of all the families (we're the only ones that rent and have the smallest property/oldest cars etc) but all that's irrelevant really. I do my best to buy thoughtful gifts and take advantage of things like Black Friday.