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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Buying presents for those with more children than you

157 replies

metropolis · 28/12/2014 02:57

Christmas is for giving and not receiving and all that. But does anyone think its slightly unfair when you have to buy Christmas/Birthday presents for family who have more children when they don't give much back for your only child? A few years ago my brother-in-law and his wife decided they no longer wanted to give myself and my partner (his brother) presents, nor receive any as they didn't see the point in it. They have 2 children and we carried on buying their children presents as usual. Years later we had a child. We never used to have a threshold for cost of presents - we just asked what their children wanted and they would tell us. She has since capped a £10 budget on each child. Fair enough I suppose if they have 2 kids and we only have 1. But when they get a present for my DS they spend as close to £10. They never get him anything much more. I think its a little unfair as we end up spending £20 on their kids and they only spend £10 on our DS. Money never used to come into it till she made an issue out of it.

OP posts:

echt · 28/12/2014 06:42

OP, I posted just such a thread back in the day and got flamed. In my case it was presents purportedly from two friends' children for DD on her birthday = one present. Naturally they got separate ones for separate birthdays form us. In each case the present "actually" came from the parents, so in my opinion it was tight.

I was judged a colossal tightarse. There you go.

BinarySolo · 28/12/2014 06:55

You asked if ywbu. If you just wanted to chat it's better to post in chat. Post in aibu and expect to be judged. Quite often not as you would hope.

Sorry you're feeling down op, but don't let the opinion of a bunch of internet ransoms grind you down.

BinarySolo · 28/12/2014 06:56

Ransoms? Randoms obvs. Bloody autocorrect.

BathshebaDarkstone · 28/12/2014 06:58

I don't see it as unfair. I used to set my own budget of £4 per child as that was what I could afford. I was the first one of my generation in the family to have DC, but I was also the oldest of my generation so I bought for siblings and cousins. I think £10 per child is fair.

purplemunkey · 28/12/2014 07:01

Sorry to hear you're feeling down metropolis. This is AIBU where you are asking people to tell you whether you are in the right or not, inevitably AIBU threads are quite boisterous and OPs often get flamed. I believe there's a section for one-child families in Being a Parent if you wanted to talk to others? Or perhaps hop over to Chat and post something more light hearted there if you just fancy talking to other parents?

PastPerfect · 28/12/2014 07:01

But OP you are begrudging that in return for your £20 spend your DC is only receiving £10 and that is what seems bizarre - seriously who begrudges an unequal spend and if you really do better to perhaps just exchange £10 notes on the day eh?!

If you want support or just to chat, start a new thread - on another topic- and you'll get loads of whatever support you need.

phoenixrose314 · 28/12/2014 07:05

Just because you have only one child doesn't mean they should get more - this is very materialistic and frankly ungrateful of you. You are setting a bad example to your child by having this attitude. My SIL has four kids and I still spent £15 on each of them... she spent £15 on my one DS. I certainly wasn't expecting a £60 present just because she has four of them!!!

Sort of can't even believe this thread is genuine!!

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2014 07:05

They seem very sensible- no presents for adults and not more than £10 a child- I can't see how it works if you then spend £20 on a child because they have no siblings.

phoenixrose314 · 28/12/2014 07:07

OP just seen that you're upset about getting flamed - I didn't mean to make you feel bad, but if you post on AIBU then you should probably anticipate that people might possibly tell you that yes, you are BU.

Sorry you're feeling down - give your DS a snuggle and watch a happy-making film

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2014 07:09

MNHQ don't just remove threads because you want them to- I started one once that went badly- you have to have a good reason. You asked AIBU and the answer was YABU.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 28/12/2014 07:44

This used to annoy me too. Not the gifts, I was happy enough to choose gifts for my two sets of three nephews and nieces when I only had 2 children myself. It was when one SIL decreed that hers just wanted the money so could I send £20 for each of them. So I would then send £60 in the post and receive £40 to divide between my 2. Futile, joyless and unfair.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 28/12/2014 07:45

As someone who had children some considerable time after my sibs/ in-laws, and bought my DNs some superb gifts, I think YABU. But I see where you're coming from.
As the only parents in the set up your in laws were content for their children to receive generous gifts. Now they have to buy for a nephew they have set a price limit. It can feel unfair, especially after years of you being so "good" with gifts.
But that is "giving to receive" isnt it?
It is quite normal to set a limit a d £10 is as reasonable as any other.
Plus, they have two kids to buy for (and teenagers are EXPENSIVE) so they are their priority and their spending on others might be limited. I don't know your own financial circs but you are likely to find your spare cash pot is lighter than it used to be too.
And in many circles, once DNs reach adulthood then aunts and uncles stop the pressies, so that will happen later for your DS than for theirs.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 28/12/2014 07:47

And i have a larger home than some of my peers, with far less disposable income.

Mammanat222 · 28/12/2014 07:59

What a bizarre post. My sis has 3 kids, bro and SIL will soon have 4 kids and bil has 3 kids. We just have the one so am I to tell my brother we expect a £40 gift to recompensate us for the gifts we have given his kids.

Nonsense.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 28/12/2014 08:03

You're getting the thread removed because no one agrees with you?

One of my siblings has no children. They have 5 nephews/nieces. There has never been any hint that they begrudge buying gifts without getting an equal amount back.

ArthurSHappeyChristmas · 28/12/2014 08:06

YABU. And you clearly don't like your SIL.

I have an 'only', I have nieces and nephews, I have friend's children to buy for. I do not keep tabs on how generous people are to my son. I do not expect people to buy him crazy gifts.

I have one friend with 2 DCs who always buys my DS 2 gifts because I 'have to buy two' for hers. This makes me and DS uncomfortable and then her kids always seem a little disappointed by the fact my DS has 2 to open.

It's not a competition. Stick to the budget and be grateful for the gifts.

QOD · 28/12/2014 08:08

Actually .... my sis has 2 kids (actually 3 this yr as we've gained a step nephew) and SHE said, about 7 years ago, that she was going to spend more on my Dd then I do on hers because she has 2
I spend about £30 on birthdays ... she spends £60

So I get you

workhorse · 28/12/2014 08:12

I think YANBU. I have three DCs, BIL and SIL have one. So at Christmas they buy for our three and not us, and we buy for DN plus BIL and SIL. Seems fairer that way and I don't feel guilty.

CassieBearRawr · 28/12/2014 08:14

It's not a competition OP.

CSIGingerbread · 28/12/2014 08:22

DSis has this with the IL's. Her BIL made a point that as the younger brothers, he must be loved less and as they don't have children, then all the love and wealth must be spend of DNep and DN. So now of course, the IL's have made a point of having an overall budget for each family, which suits BIL with his designer tendencies. Funny thing is, DSis and her DH have no problem with how much is spent as it's the thought that goes into their presents means more to them. Money does not equate love.

YABU.

insancerre · 28/12/2014 08:23

Yet another thread full of Christmas spirit.
I have been really saddened bybthw amount of threads posted about unwanted gifts, ungrateful children not 'wowed' by their presents, ungrateful adults complaining about their presents
Its sad, very sad

wowfudge · 28/12/2014 08:27

Sadly I have some experience of this kind of mental totting up of what has been spent. My aunt fell out with my parents because she begrudged buying two presents for me and my sis and felt my parents should spend what they did in two of us on her one DD, my cousin. However, this was never communicated by her and the presents from her became more and more stingy over time and she eventually blew up over a perceived inadequate present for a specific birthday of my cousin's. You couldn't make it up.

We weren't ungrateful, but as we got older we did notice we were being given things we didn't want or need (think the same present every year), but which were on bogof deals at a well known retailer where cousin got staff discount!

It's so petty it's pathetic. I have friends with kids and I don't begrudge buying presents for them when we have no dc for them to buy for. That would just be weird. I positively enjoy finding interesting things to give them all as they grow up and develop their own interests. One friend's kids want money because they are always saving up for different things - writing a cheque is no fun compared with finding a suitable present!

Pipbin · 28/12/2014 08:28

We buy for DH's 6 nieces and nephews, and their children.
We don't have any children. They don't get us anything because they are either children or young and just starting out so we've told them to save their money.

lbsjob87 · 28/12/2014 08:31

We have a similar situation, my OH's sister has 6 kids, we have 2 (one only 6mo so this was his first Christmas).
I also have 5 nephews and nieces on my side. We set a limit at £10 per child, or £20 for a joint present (this year 2 of the boys were getting an X box so we gave them a surprisingly cheap game, actually, think it was £18.99? It's probably not much good but they are 4 and 6 so they don't care if it's not the latest one and it's the thought that counts).
In the past my SiL has spent £30/40 on my DD, but that's her choice. Even with a limit we still end up spending twice as much as that on her kids because she has 3 times more kids than us!
But again that was her choice.
She could buy my kids a car if she wanted to, (she probably couldn't but it's an extreme example) but that wouldn't mean I would be in a position to spend loads more on hers.

But if she only spent £5 each on them, by your reckoning I would be £50 out of pocket, because I spent £60. Surely Christmas shouldn't work like that??

MinceSpy · 28/12/2014 08:34

If it really bothers you then get £5 gifts for the cousins. My sister only has one child, I have two and her BILS have four kids each but she never moans. We have the £10 limit but i do buy my DN double that, my choice though.

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