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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying presents for those with more children than you

157 replies

metropolis · 28/12/2014 02:57

Christmas is for giving and not receiving and all that. But does anyone think its slightly unfair when you have to buy Christmas/Birthday presents for family who have more children when they don't give much back for your only child? A few years ago my brother-in-law and his wife decided they no longer wanted to give myself and my partner (his brother) presents, nor receive any as they didn't see the point in it. They have 2 children and we carried on buying their children presents as usual. Years later we had a child. We never used to have a threshold for cost of presents - we just asked what their children wanted and they would tell us. She has since capped a £10 budget on each child. Fair enough I suppose if they have 2 kids and we only have 1. But when they get a present for my DS they spend as close to £10. They never get him anything much more. I think its a little unfair as we end up spending £20 on their kids and they only spend £10 on our DS. Money never used to come into it till she made an issue out of it.

OP posts:
lilttlemarvel · 28/12/2014 10:02

To a certain extent I can understand what you are saying but only if you look at the presents as an obligation rather than gifts to individuals.

I used to love buying Christmas gifts for my friends DC and nieces and nephews before I had my own DC. By the time my own DC was two we were all overwhelmed by the amount of stuff and wished it would stop! I then realised what an obligation I had unwittingly set up. Slowly, over the next few years, we stopped the gift exchange with most of them - especially as they all involved posting. Christmas is so much nicer now - not having to spend a large chunk of boxing day writing thank you notes for gifts that really weren't wanted and trying to find space for all the clutter.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 28/12/2014 10:14

We always give cash until the kids reach 21. My oldest niece is 32, my kids are 7. So I have been supplying cash for them for 25 more years than sis has been for mine. And she had three kids. How dare her!

bigmouthstrikesagain · 28/12/2014 10:21

I have 5 siblings and a total of 12 nephews/ nieces and 3 children. In the past when dh and I were 'Dinkys' we bought bigger presents for the dn's than we ever expected in return play stations etc. Now we have dc I get books boardgames and chocolate etc and send a parcel. sometimes we get gifts or occasionally a cheque in return and sometimes just a card, I don't keep a tally. I am much happier buying gifts only in relation to what I want/ can afford to spend.

imo gift giving should not be about what you are getting back. dont get me wrong I love getting a nice gift but expectations can ruin christmas. Worrying about what others are thinking and what their motives are is exhausting.

RedButtonhole · 28/12/2014 10:33

My DS is one of only two children in our extended family, he is five and my little cousin is three, everyone else is growm up.

Everyone in the family buys for my DS and me seperately, and aside from my immediate family (ie. my own parents and siblings) I give household gifts, with nothing seperate for my young cousin. I can't afford to.

On the other hand, I have a friend with two children who I buy gifts for. I buy a gift for each of her children and her. This year she bought only for my DS, despite her being alot better off than me. The point is DS got a present that he will enjoy, and so did her children. She may be better off than me, but she has to make her money stretch further as she has a bigger family, have you thought of it that way?

If it bothers you that much, spend £5 on each of her children next time, then you'll be even.

jimmycrackcornbutidontcare · 28/12/2014 10:35

I think they should have continued to give you gifts when you had no children. I don't give gifts to my siblings & their partners who have children. We just give the children gifts and they just give our children. I do give gifts to my siblings and their partners who do not have children and they just give our kids. If everyone just said they were only giving gifts to children then people without children would get nothing and still have to buy a load of gifts. So I think your SIL was wrong on that account. She should have given you each a small gift whilst you were buying her children big Lego sets and had no children of your own.
I think a £10 limit per child is grand. My BIL always spends a fortune on our DC. If he ever has children we will be in trouble as we couldn't afford the huge gifts he gives.

Topseyt · 28/12/2014 10:47

It can never be entirely even. Families are not of uniform sizes, financial circumstances vary etc.

Many things to consider. A spending limit per child is still a reasonable solution IMHO. If the OP is no longer being asked to buy two separate expensive gifts then the £10 limit surely works in her favour.

She seems to be griping because she has to buy for two children but the other family only have to buy for one. That is just life.

Perhaps better to buy no gifts at all from now on.

spidey66 · 28/12/2014 11:01

We don't have kids, but have 12 nieces and nephews between us. We always get them presents, and never had any back from them. It's a non issue to us. Hmm

silveroldie2 · 28/12/2014 11:58

YABU - In my case I have no children but over the years have always bought gifts for family and friends' children. Should I feel hard done by? Of course not. You either give a gift with a glad heart or frankly don't bother. All this angst over £10 is ridiculous.

PS You can't delete the thread just because you don't like people's honest replies.

SoonToBeSix · 28/12/2014 12:02

How would it be fair for your ds to have a present that is twice as expensive as his cousins?
Yabu.

PastPerfect · 28/12/2014 12:08

usefully

I'm with you.

skinnyamericano · 28/12/2014 12:12

We have 4 DC so I always feel a little awkward about receiving gifts for all of them, especially when it is from friends with 1 or 2.

I always try to spend similar to how much they would have to - so if they spent around £10 per child, I would spend £40 split between their children.

It does make birthdays and Christmas expensive, but I feel that it was our choice to have so many children. And I am always trying to get people to stop buying for ours, but it hasn't worked so far.

Floggingmolly · 28/12/2014 12:18

Most people are (deliberately?) missing the point... Your SIL was happy to ask for expensive gifts for her children for years; but quickly put a £10 cap on gifts as soon as you had a child and she had to reciprocate.
Yes, that's grabby and it'd burn my hide a bit too. Not the money, but the sheer calculated meanness of it.

aurorasky · 28/12/2014 12:22

When you have no children yourself and give presents to nieces and nephews for years, presents that are expensive and actually specifically asked for, for it's all lovely and as posters who have no children agree it's a 'non issue'.

Then many years later you have your own child and the rules have been changed so you do not get to dictate what expensive gift they will be buying as they have done when their children were having their special childhood Christmases.

I can see why you feel it's unfair.

aurorasky · 28/12/2014 12:24

Yes, what Flogging said.

skinnyamericano · 28/12/2014 12:27

floggin your're absolutely right - it isn't a general discussion about how much to spend on other children, it's a specific situation with a grabby SIL.

I wonder if she was a bit nervous at the thought of having to reciprocate with expensive presents that she couldn't or didn't want to afford?

She shouldn't have asked for gifts for her DC in the past though, that she wouldn't have happily given herself.

Viviennemary · 28/12/2014 12:30

No point really in moaning about this kind of thing. Either go along with it or say shall we not bother with presents from now on. But they are a bit cheeky to have accepted presents for years and now put a cap on the cost when it's their turn to fork out. I'd be tempted to say let's not bother.

HerrenaHarridan · 28/12/2014 12:57

I have an only and money is very tight.

As a compromise to this situation (although we hadn't set limits) for families with multiple children I add half again per child and buy a joint present.
So this year my budget for other peoples kids was £5 + £2.50 per additional child. Then I used that budget to get the best deal I possibly could on a shared present.

I would love to have the finances to not have to worry about how much I spend on other people kids but it's my dd that will go without and there's already few enough people that will give her a gift.

Birthdays I spend equally as they are spread out.

2015 · 28/12/2014 13:07

YANBU (possibly) Smile

I can see what the OP is saying. It's not the current £10 cap that she minds it's the fact that the SIL was happy to accept expensive gifts for her DC but only until the OP had her own child. I think it COULD be dodgey behaviour on the SILs part but it could just be that she is skint.

OP, do you get any hand me down toys or baby things from your SIL? If so, that would help address the imbalance.

clam · 28/12/2014 13:17

"I'm getting this thread removed now."

I don't think you can just get a thread removed because you don't like some of the answers you've been given.

NotOnMyWatchOhNo · 28/12/2014 13:19

You are 100% not being unreasonable, they were greedy and grabby before you had children, now you have they only want to spend £10 on your child.
I agree with you and it would piss me off aswell.

clam · 28/12/2014 13:21

That's not what the OP said, NotOnMyWatch. The £10 limit was for the SIL's own children initially.

GokTwo · 28/12/2014 13:26

Would she seriously be that petty over one child's gift though? i would never have started the thing of buying expensive presents for her kids in the first place. Spend what you can afford, don't be pressurised into spending more.

MissDuke · 28/12/2014 13:31

I have 3 kids and my bro has 2. He usually asks me what they want, and I always suggest things that range from £5-10 to give him a choice what he spends, I suggest a fair few things for each and keep it quite vague so its totally up to him what he spends. I spend around £20 on each of his, and I would say adding up that a similar amount was spent by both him and me altogether when including all presents. I think that is only fair tbh, I wouldn't want him spending much more than me. I also spend more on my sister as she has no children, yet is buying for 2 siblings and 5 nieces and nephews. She would never expect me to, but it seems only fair to me?

Therefore I see your point op! Although I think your sil was very sensible suggesting a tenner limit, it gets totally out of hand otherwise!

NotOnMyWatchOhNo · 28/12/2014 13:50

No it wasn't clam the £10 limit was set when the op had her child. Please read the op again.

naty1 · 28/12/2014 15:08

Yanbu. I think it wouldnt matter if yours got a better present from them. £10 gifts are pretty pointless anyway.
Hope you get it all passed down.
I feel for people with 15 nieces and nephews say, and would quickly change to a family gift once over say 3 as it is the parents choice. With several kids they get to play with each others anyway.
As we wont need hardly a thing for DC2. Not even sure what they'd get first few xmas and birthdays.
Probably request money and use when they are older and want stuff.
We have got a lot of unnecessary stuff. Including duplicates of stuff we have and more cuddly toys :(
Better to have a couple of really good presents