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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying presents for those with more children than you

157 replies

metropolis · 28/12/2014 02:57

Christmas is for giving and not receiving and all that. But does anyone think its slightly unfair when you have to buy Christmas/Birthday presents for family who have more children when they don't give much back for your only child? A few years ago my brother-in-law and his wife decided they no longer wanted to give myself and my partner (his brother) presents, nor receive any as they didn't see the point in it. They have 2 children and we carried on buying their children presents as usual. Years later we had a child. We never used to have a threshold for cost of presents - we just asked what their children wanted and they would tell us. She has since capped a £10 budget on each child. Fair enough I suppose if they have 2 kids and we only have 1. But when they get a present for my DS they spend as close to £10. They never get him anything much more. I think its a little unfair as we end up spending £20 on their kids and they only spend £10 on our DS. Money never used to come into it till she made an issue out of it.

OP posts:
homealone42 · 28/12/2014 15:27

I see why you are hurt having been generous to her children. I have the oppossite issue. I have 3 dc and my single siblings buy presents for 5. I try and buy them a bigger present to compensate and have told them not to bother buying for me and dh.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 28/12/2014 15:27

rereading the thread and the op I am still erring on yabu. Not cos I am a 'hater' of the op situ but because the action of the sil can be viewed differently, as she instigated the limit when op had a child of her own. which could be interpreted as a understanding that with their own child to buy for the op and her dh would be buying less indulgent presents for their dn's. As the sil had not been buying any presents for the grown ups for years but now they were buying gifts for their new dn maybe did not want to spend much as they are still buying for their own dc. it is circumstance, rather than malice or at least it could be viewed that way, and unless the sil was very mean and grabby which we only have a one sided pov on - the op was never actually forced to be indulgent in the past.

I have less discretionary spending money now I have children. when I was buying larger gifts I was renting and sis with 7 kids owned a house - that had no bearing on how much we had to spend at christmas. we have a big mortgage now and less cash to spend as a result. So it could be that op is not unreasonable but really it is irrelevant what strangers on the net think in this case - only the op and if you are unhappy then decide if it is worth the inevitable bad feeling that raising the issue will bring you.

Savvyblonde · 28/12/2014 15:33

I get your frustration. I have 1 child. DB and DBIL each have 2DC. My brother send a present from both his DC and receive a present for each. DBIL send 1 present from both. With extra complication of birthdays at christmas for my DC and both of DBIL. Last year I found myself buying 4 presents but watching my DC only getting 2 in return. This year I bought DBIL DC joint presents for both birthday and Christmas and watched with interest as DBIL and DSIL had to explain that the kids had to share. True evil but have to mention both presents were of very good quality. Passive aggressive point made!

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 28/12/2014 15:48

I get where the OP is coming from. I suspect if the present limit had been instigated from the start it may have been different. It's just the lack of acknowledgement that it's disproportionate that grates.

Mind you it is the same as if you have been to loads of weddings and not married yourself.

FannyBlott · 28/12/2014 16:20

But surely you are buying for the child not the family? If you think about it as 5/10/15 quid per child/person then it's not unfair at all!
I have only 2 dcs, this is fewer than some of my siblings. I budget five pounds per child (I have loads of nieces and nephews). I think that's fair. I think it would be a bit shit to get a family with three children three five pound presents but their cousin gets a 15 pound present from the same person.

To be honest I can't quite believe anybody even thinks like this! Just be grateful for what presents you do get and if you're only giving to receive something of equal value back then don't bother giving in the first place.

Bulbasaur · 28/12/2014 16:43

I don't see how it's unfair if each child gets at £10 gift. You can't possibly think it's fair for one child to get a £20 gift while another gets a £10 one. Confused

I can see how it'd be frustrating though that as soon as you have your child, your SIL suddenly decides she doesn't want to buy nice presents for him like you did for her kids.

Personally with DD we get a small gift for her uncle from her. She's a baby though, so I really couldn't be bothered with how much anyone spends on her, she doesn't need anything. Even when she's older I won't care. But I do appreciate that adding her to the mix stretches everyone budget and changes how much money goes into each present pot.

Merguez · 28/12/2014 16:47

YABU to 'count' the amount spent on anyone's present.

Surely it's about how much the presents are enjoyed and appreciated not the amount people spend...

PastPerfect · 28/12/2014 16:48

savvy are you seriously saying that because your DB has two DC he should have bought your one DC two presents? Shock honestly I do not know how people get through life dealing with all this perceived unfairness

usefully · 28/12/2014 16:55

I bet the kids don't give a fuck

Nelehwelly · 28/12/2014 16:57

This might be the pettiest thing I've ever read.

Merry Christmas to you, OP!

MuddlingMackem · 28/12/2014 17:59

On what I've read so far I don't think that YABU.

There's nothing wrong with setting a price limit, and they should have done that from the off, or checked with you what you were happy to go up to.

Yes, it is in its way rather petty, but I get that it's annoying that money was no object when it was only you shelling out but it's a different story now that they have to reciprocate. It would bug me too.

toobreathless · 28/12/2014 19:28

I have two children & am spending noticeably more per child if you go by RRP than my friends with one child do for my DDs.

Not exactly double but probably 1.5 x. I buy bits and bobs all year round, I saw the Melissa and Doug stack and roll tower for £4 (RRP £14.99) in November and bought 4 which will do all the toddlers birthday this year.

If I were your family I would probably be spending around £15 on your DS.

my2centsis · 28/12/2014 19:55

Seriously people are so damn greedy these days. You should be ashamed!

TooHasty · 28/12/2014 20:00

Op I think you should have a dozen children, just to spite her {rolls eyes]

dixiechick1975 · 28/12/2014 20:00

I find the opposite. Most people are v generous with dd as she is an only and I am usually buying for 2 in return. she gets what I would deem big presents whereas I am buying something nice but smaller.

TerrifiedMothertobe · 28/12/2014 20:06

I have 6 nephews ans nieces, 5 in one family. I don't begrudge buying them gifts but I do get annoyed at the request for lists. Especially for adults.

I personal ya think that a gift is something you are given, not what you are asked for.

We have two small children, they get too many toys so I always tell relatives that they shouldn't get us anything but if they REALLY want to get the children something, then something small/ book.

Scholes34 · 28/12/2014 20:15

Just consider yourself being in the fortunate position of having more nieces and nephews than your brother! I bet you make a great auntie.

Binkybix · 28/12/2014 20:40

Unless the SIL is suddenly skint through change of circumstance then I think YANBU for the most part. It was cheeky of her to specifically request expensive gifts for her children, then impose a limit when you yourself had a child.

But I'd try to let it go for your own good. Sorry to hear that you're feeling down.

Savvyblonde · 29/12/2014 18:31

This type of issue quite often comes up with birthday parties. Especially with twins or siblings attending. Personally I feel that with children it is the quantity of things to unwrap, not the cost of the gift. If you run that the present comes from the child to the child, therefore if a twin party, both twins should get a present and if a sibling tags along, they should bring a present. As children at Christmas, we bought for each other and received from each other as siblings and cousins. Therefore in the long run we all opened the same amount of presents. I had no idea about the cost of each gift, just enjoyed receiving and playing with said toy.

GoodZingWenceslass · 29/12/2014 19:29
Hmm You are a treasure OP

We have 7 kids. we give more to BIL with 4 kids then what we get back because we can afford it and they can't. not showing off or rubbing it in just giving what we fancy coz it's Christmas and we love our nephews and nieces and want to make them happy.

should I get my abacus out, do the math and demand more things?

hmmm, think not

2015 · 29/12/2014 20:16

Ffs, the OP DID NOT begrudge getting generous gifts for her nieces. It's only since the SIL decided to introduce a 'spend limit' that the OP feels put out. It's the SIL that's being tight unless she has financial reasons

Do the math? (I'm making lots of presumptions. I'm guessing a 'nice' present is £25)

OPs costs

  1. (number of nieces )
x 14. (age) x 2. (presents per child per year) x 25 (£ cost of 'nice' present).

Plus cost of future presents
2 (number of nieces)
x 4 (years of present buying left )
x 2 (presents per child per year)
x 10 (£ cost of presents with SIL cap)

OP will pay in TOTAL £1560

SILs cost

1 (number of nephews)
x 18. (years lof present buying left)
x 2 (presents per year)
x 10. ( £cost of presents with SIL cap)

SIL will pay in TOTAL £360

SIL is in profit by £1200 or £600 per child...and some of you still think it's the OP being tight Shock

GoodZingWenceslass · 29/12/2014 20:31

10 pounds is the max. not an obligation.

Mr Perfect/Little Miss Sunshine mugs are 2.50 at Tesco.
wrap it with a few hot choc sachets and a bag of marshmallows each you'd still get change from a tenner for two gifts.

BeyondTheSea · 29/12/2014 21:53

Sympathy from me OP. For years and years, I gave family members lovely presents, the year I got married and had DS, it was decided presents were just for children (it didn't seem to be when I was buying expensive perfume for them!).

I always make sure I buy my at the moment childless SIL a lovely present, she buys for all of us (4) and I want her to feel appreciated. I still feel bit sad about the year by sister got me a bottle of bubble bath (M&S 99p- after asking for her straighteners for herself!).
Some people will take all they can, sad but true.

roastednut · 29/12/2014 21:53

Totally with you OP. We have no dc's (not by choice but situation not likely to change due to age).

Dh's family decided on a dc only rule for xmas and birthday presents (even our significant birthdays we don't get more than a card -which we discovered a couple of years ago on our birthdays!! We were surprised as we had bought for theirs in the past - I mean you just do, don't you!!).

So we pay out and get nothing in return. We don't give to receive but there does come a time when you think really??! I just wouldn't feel comfortable not buying a present for someone (at any opportunity) who had bought something for my child (if I'd been lucky enough to have one).

Makes it ten times worse that they we rarely get thank you's (I would stop altogether but DH won't consider it, they are his nephews and he insists on doing the 'right thing' even if they don't).

So yanbu op!

BeyondTheSea · 29/12/2014 21:56

We rarely get a thank you too Roastednut. I am still sending cheques to grown up nephews (but just can't face the passive aggressive remarks if I stop).