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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Buying presents for those with more children than you

157 replies

metropolis · 28/12/2014 02:57

Christmas is for giving and not receiving and all that. But does anyone think its slightly unfair when you have to buy Christmas/Birthday presents for family who have more children when they don't give much back for your only child? A few years ago my brother-in-law and his wife decided they no longer wanted to give myself and my partner (his brother) presents, nor receive any as they didn't see the point in it. They have 2 children and we carried on buying their children presents as usual. Years later we had a child. We never used to have a threshold for cost of presents - we just asked what their children wanted and they would tell us. She has since capped a £10 budget on each child. Fair enough I suppose if they have 2 kids and we only have 1. But when they get a present for my DS they spend as close to £10. They never get him anything much more. I think its a little unfair as we end up spending £20 on their kids and they only spend £10 on our DS. Money never used to come into it till she made an issue out of it.

OP posts:

MrsAmaretto · 28/12/2014 08:39

YANBU, suggest a £20 limit per family. We have a family limit with one set of friends, & I wish we did with BIL family instead of per child.

ZanyMobster · 28/12/2014 08:39

I think either way is fine. Part of me thinks the same amount per child is the right way but we end up spending £40 on our niece and SiL spends £20 each on my 2, I think the reason is because the older 2 (DS1 and DN) are the same age so it was just them to spend on so when DS2 was born here budget was split which is understandable.

This is fine at xmas but don't like it so much on bdays. I think it should be more even then.

IceniMist · 28/12/2014 08:40

I am conscious that my Dsis has no children and 9 nieces and nephews to buy for. She works hard in a low paid job so I spend on her the same amount I spend on our children.

I can see how it is annoying but I would just stick to the limit.

justmummyof2 · 28/12/2014 08:51

I really don't see your point, you now say that the number of children won't equal out. As if all that counts is the money spent. Do you not enjoy your sister's DC opening their presents? Do you not enjoy watching your DC receive their gift? That is what I love! but if you really have to think about the money, consider that in a couple of years their DC will be 18. That is when we stop buying presents in our family, but your DC will have 14 years of presents still due

For what it is worth, my sister has 5 DC from a previous relationship, and two years ago married and moved in with her DH who has 4 children from a previous relationship. Together they have had a baby. We have 10 children to buy for in just that one family, let alone other nieces and nephews. And we only have 2 DC. It has never occurred to me that they don't have to spend as much as us. We all just enjoy Christmas and sharing!

I will just add a final point, for whoever stayed with my post this long, but have ypu considered that the BIL has two children to buy multiple presents for, two main presents, two stocking fillers etc etc Whereas you only have to that lot once!

You should just be grateful they get your DC anything at all, they aren't legally bound you know!

ohtheholidays · 28/12/2014 08:51

OP are they maybe struggling this Christmas?Two children do end up costing more than one child,especially at Christmas and Birthdays.Maybe they're worried about money?

My brother got none of ours anything this year not even a card.
He's 13 years older than me and has 7 children.It's the first Christmas without our lovely Mum as well.

I have always bought all of his children Christmas and Birthday presents since they were born and I was only 7 when I became an auntie to his first child.Back then I used to do chores and save pocket money to buy them presents.

Now 5 of his DC have children of they're own,they have 12 children between them.So we buy for they're children now instead and the two sons who don't yet have children we buy them a gift for themselves.

We have 5DC,my brother hasn't even done us a Christmas card.That really hurt.He didn't even text or call to say thanks for his Christmas present.We spent nearly £30 on him and nearly £30 on his wife.We spent £120 on his Grandchildren and £15 between his two sons.

I know that's only £10 per great nephew and great niece but we managed to get them all two gifts each that would have come to £20 each with out the Christmas offers on.

I never expect anything back,I just felt heart broken for our children they adore they're uncle and our family has got smaller this year with the loss of my Mum and they were extremely close to they're Nan so this Christmas has been hard enough as it is.Just a Christmas card from him to each of them would have been enough to make them smile.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/12/2014 08:52

Bottom line is you could always get a joint present such as chocolate, DVD or a game or something. I understand your point that SIL has only just put cap on now you have a child but perhaps her circumstances have changed. These days lots of people are struggling for money much more than 10 years ago.

timetoplay · 28/12/2014 08:57

I understand why you are upset OP, the present amount could have been capped years ago but now its your DC here the presents are capped, seems a bit unfair given that your DNs have had great and expensive presents from you but your son doesn't. Really, if it was me and I was well off I would cap for my own kids who are teens and have plenty and spoil my DN, but sounds like your SIL believes it's fairer all around this year.

I think that's different from having to buy 'more' for more children. It's actually that you've paid a lot for your DNs over the years but now yours is here your B and SIL don't seem so inclined especially when they have the money. Since this has you really down I wonder if this is part of something bigger you've noticed? Them not being so bothered with your child in comparison to you with your DNs?

Itsgoingtoreindeer · 28/12/2014 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheifbrody · 28/12/2014 08:59

My oh has 9 nephew and nieces. They are all in the their 30s now so don't received anything.

Up until they were 16 they had £20 for their birthday £30 for Christmas and an Easter egg..........

We have one son who is now 9 and he has never received anything from my oh sisters.......

Imagine how I feel.......

Gives me a good excuse to have little to do with them

ohtheholidays · 28/12/2014 09:00

Op I just read that you used to spend a small fortune on each of they're children(lego mad child in this house as well I know how much those sets cost) and now that you've had a child she's said she'll only spend £10 that is really unfair of her and tight as well.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 28/12/2014 09:02

My best friend has 3 children and I have 1. It has never occurred to me to be annoyed by it or think it unfair. You may have addressed this already and I missed it but if there is a £10 limit can you not spent £5 per child? Then it would be 'fair'.

MinginInTheRain · 28/12/2014 09:10

I know OP you were going to delete thread but FWIW I understand where you're coming from. I totally notice how many kids per family when I am buying presents - but generally because I have more than my friends so worry in reverse.

I agree your Sil is being tight now. Very bad form to suggest massive lego sets for her kids and then reduce it now you have a child. If hers are older now she could set the limit for them and still buy your DC some big present as you have done. Or at least acknowledge the gifts you've bought in the past with much gratitude.

Drquin · 28/12/2014 09:12

Look it doesn't really matter what rest of us tell you we've done, or how much mental totting up we're all doing ........ I spent (roughly) £50 per nephew, sister and brother-in-law ...... Over £200 in total ..... My total return was probably just over £50. But my main present from them is gorgeous, it's something I'd coveted ..... The other bits & pieces were stuff either my sister knows I love or I can imagine my nephews giggling about giving to auntie Quin.

Multiply this over their four birthdays per year, my singleton & child-free status at present ...... And I'm down by hundreds, nay thousands of pounds.

But it boils down to this, I buy / spend what is reasonable for me. They do the same. We take joy from seeing each other appreciating the present. Do the same - if sil has set a limit, fair enough - a limit tends to be something you don't go above, no reason why you can't spend less to make it more "fair" if that's what's important to you.

Chesntoots · 28/12/2014 09:18

Maybe she suggested the cap because you now have a child and she understands how expensive they are so doesn't want you to worry about spending money on other people?

Just a thought...

Hulababy · 28/12/2014 09:22

It seriously doesn't bother me.

We have an only child. Pretty much every family we buy for has two children.

I spend roughly the same amount of money on each of their children as they do on mine.

Sometimes bil and SIL do spend a fiat amount more on dd than I do on each niece but that is their choice and certainly not expected.

I don't give to receive and I don't expect people to spend a certain amount on our child. I have my present buying budgets and they have theirs - the two are not necessarily linked.

Hulababy · 28/12/2014 09:24

Infact my brother and also one or two others we know but a gift for dd but they don't have a child of their own. They don't expect a gift in return.

kwerty · 28/12/2014 09:28

We stopped giving presents; exchanged a family cheque, then dropped it altogether.

ShadowSuperNova · 28/12/2014 09:32

I can see how it feels very unfair if in the past, before you had DC, you spent lots more than £10 per gift for their kids. It must feel a bit like they thought it's okay for you to spend without limit on their kids, until they thought they might have to reciprocate, which would be an annoying thought.

But I'm wondering if there's other problems in your relationship with your BIL and SIL though. Because if the relationship was great otherwise, it's difficult to see why this would be a major upset for you.

And also - is it possible that they want to cut back on present spending because money's tight? I know you said they're comfortable and have a detached house, but is it possible that they're overstretched on their mortgage, or have loans or credit card debt that you don't know about? It may be a bit more complicated than just them being "tight".

ThePinkOcelot · 28/12/2014 09:36

I get where you are coming from OP. It's the principal of it more than anything else isn't it?
I had similar with my Sil. She had 3 sons before I had my dds. The eldest being 15 the youngest 6 when dd1 came along. So 4 years I had bought 3 presents, then 4 then 5. Dd1 was 6 months the first Xmas and she turned around and said we'd just buy for the kids. I was not impressed! I think she should have still bought for me, DH and dd. That would have been 3 each.
So, a YANBU from me!

ZenNudist · 28/12/2014 09:37

Posting on Aibu then getting upset when people don't agree with you, oh dear .

I think it's fine to have a set amount per child. You need to stop spending lots on her children. Or spend but don't get bitter about it.

I think it's sensible to have a budget per child. I really think with presents you've got to spend what you're willing to spend and not get hacked off about reciprocal gifts. I know it's hard not to, but then if you're annoyed one year, tone your gift down the next.

Also people without children do start off being generous to the odd child that comes along. Young kids are easy and cheap to buy for but as they get older it gets harder to find the right gift and more expensive. Better agree to get out of gift giving obligation now whilst you can.

greenfolder · 28/12/2014 09:41

is it not very possible that they felt uncomfortable with you spending so much money on them previously,given the obvious difference in your circumstances? The £10 limit works in your favour, given the amount you used to spend. This presumably now gives you more budget to spend on your own dc?

for heaven sake,you have benefitted financially from this change. FWIW,we were the youngest in my husbands family and spent a lot of time and money on our neice and nephews which has not been reciprocated with our dc due to circumstances.However, these neices and nephews are now adult and able to give our dc opportunities(to go to gigs, offer work experience and advice) that has enhanced their lives.

usefully · 28/12/2014 09:43

Do you know what? I'm sick to death of all the fucking whining on here this Christmas!

Gah, I'm going out for a walk

Only1scoop · 28/12/2014 09:43

I kind of see sort of....we have an only dc and I have 3 friends with 3. I spent about 10 pounds per child.... Id say they spent 5 tops. I'm thinking of dropping some of the present buying next year.

ThePinkOcelot · 28/12/2014 09:44

Plus, if I was your Sil, I would spend £20 on your dc!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/12/2014 09:48

You're pissed off that your child has received cheap presents when you've spent more money over the years on your nephew/ niece? I understand that you're miffed.

You are being precious about the thread not backing you up and wanting it removed, that's daft.

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