To feel disappointed by my own parents?

[soulpunk]

This is probably trivial compared to some posts on here and I probably just need someone to tell me to get over myself but...

My folks are retired and look after DS (their only grandchild) 2 or 3 days a week while I work (I go in alternate Saturdays so it's a 2-day week for them). They've done it since my mat leave ended when he was 10 months, he's almost 2 now. I found out today after a big post-christmas "heart to heart" that they've been finding the childcare difficult. But instead of talking to me about it they've been moaning to my sister and instead of her telling them they're talking to the wrong daughter, she's just been dropping passive aggressive hints over xmas about how she looks after mom and dad and someone's got to do it etc etc. They are both in their 60s but neither have any major medical conditions or anything - the odd "bad knee" etc.

When I managed to get it out of them they admitted "it is difficult because we can't always do what we want but we've got through the hardest part and the end is in sight" (more or less paraphrasing what they said). I was waiting for them to say "but we love having him and wouldn't want it any other way" or something but they didn't. After I got really upset at this confession, they still didn't reassure me that they were happy to have him. Instead proceeded to take this moment to tell me they won't be able to do the same with the next one (I am currently 4 months pregnant and will have to go back to work again as we can't afford for me to not work).

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary. He's with them approx 9am-4pm, occasionally an hour or two longer and occasionally half a day extra at the weekend if DH and I are doing DIY (moved house last yr). No evenings, no nights, but it is almost a regular job for them I suppose.

In addition, we went out for a (rare) family Sunday lunch a few weeks ago for my DH's 40th bday. DS doesn't particularly enjoy sitting in a highchair for long (what toddler does?!) but he wasn't especially badly behaved. But the meal was a bit rushed and he just wanted to play with nanny. My dad was obviously so utterly mortified by the looks we must have got (I didn't notice any) as DS was just being his fairly vocal self and wanting to run round etc, that he cancelled our NYE curry booking without even discussing it with me and said he won't ever do that again. I can't believe they weren't able to just shrug off any tuts by other diners.

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred? I don't really know what to do to get past this. They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it.

Good point hollyjolly

I think that the irritating part is that she resents the fact that they went on holiday a few times and seems to think it unreasonable that they are grandparents on their own terms! Added to that she won't keep control in a restaurant- and thinks it OK to let him annoy everyone. Hardly surprising they won't go again!

Don't worry about being roughed up on mumsnet. It's pretty normal on AIBU. Just wait until you become a MIL and you will really feel the heat!

I look after 2 DGCs once a week (overnight stay as parents both have early starts, right up to 7 pm the following day as one DGS is disabled and the other a toddler and dad can't manage the baths alone). It's very hard work especially as I also help with the after school pickup until 5 pm every day (again because of the disability). But I do it as a choice. I don't resent it and am happy to help even though my own life seems permanently on hold.

It's the assumption that OPs parents don't have a right to their own time and have been done this huge favour by their daughter in allowing them a few holidays a year, which is very off putting.

"Not 'normal' as in you can take it for granted. You need a full discussion and some loving grandparents will not want to do it- they have busy lives themselves."

You seem to be having some sort of weird side argument Mehitabel.

It will be lovely for them though, when you pay them back for all the years of childcare by taking them into your home when they are too frail to live alone... won't it?

I can't see how it is a weird side argument. They were counting off the days to freedom and she is starting again! No discussion- just assumption they will be happy!

Its definitely a cultural thing for older people to be 'counting off the days to freedom'. I find it very British.

DH's parents are from the Caribbean, mine are Irish. They never envisaged a life of 'freedom', I dont think. They adore their children and grandchildren and wider family and want to be at the heart of that, the elders who preside over it all and are very much involved. It brings its own 'hardships' - we are expected to have MIL to stay for long periods of time when ever she feels like it, for example . But childcare by family is completely normal for us.

I'm not defending the OP if her parents arent happy with this arrangement, but as a wider issue, I do find the idea that grandparents dont 'owe' their children anything so weird. Why wouldnt you want to help your own flesh and blood in any way you can? Maybe childcare is too much for some, but the idea that wanting your parents to help out is unreasonable is quite sad to me.

I don't think 60's is that old tbh, we're all going to be working well into our 60s in the future. But if OPs parents are struggling to provide child care then she absolutely has to suck it up and make alternative arrangements.

My dsil has 2 dc aged 3 and 6. She regularly palms them off onto my pils for overnight stays so that she can work during half terms or school holidays. Sometimes they are there for the best part of a week at a time. Fil is 86 and mil 79, both becoming very frail. They can barely look after themselves , never mind two small children.
Boils my piss every time.

My mum is 56 and an overnight with my 5 & 8 year old DS's knackers her out!

She excuses it by saying she had 3 girls and boys are much more "lively"

"We talked about part time nursery a few months back but they didn't like the idea of him being left with strangers so young. It's more normal for family to do childcare."

I took that to mean that her parents said it's more "normal" for family to do childcare as a reason for their dislike of nurseries.

As for "you need to have loving grandparents who want to do it" - I think op is disappointed to discover that this is what she does not have! Hence her thread. And she inbu to feel unhappy about that, ESPECIALLY as she has had to find it all out in such an unpleasant way via her sister.

It's quite a commitment when older parents offer to look after toddlers. I can see why they told your sister as maybe they think she might drop a hint or you might see it's becoming too much for them. I think your attitude is a bit off I'm afraid. As if that had a nerve daring to want to go on holiday becausse of their childminding duties.

60 isn't old! Many will be working or very busy. I have certainly envisaged a life of freedom! I have done the SAHM childcare for years- loved it at the time -but not for a second time!

Probably did it via the sister as she doesn't pick up on how they feel- shown by the fact that she didn't expect anyone to mind a wandering toddler in a restaurant.

Are you having a laugh or something. My ds cannot see his granddad as he has been deemed a safeguarding risk! Even though granddad wants to see him he cannot due to his violence and anger management issues.

I pay out for nursery as I know he is safe there.

I cannot believe your misplaced sense of entitlement.

I expect they want to go away far more than 3 times a year.

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary.

It's this that gets me! Entitled much?

OP your children are your problem. Let your parents enjoy their retirement. Perhaps they haven't felt able to tell you because you obviously have a certain opinion on this. Did you always assume they'd look after your second child too?

I know a couple who both work full time, and who have no childcare arrangements for their 2yo other than their parents, who are over 60 and live 100 miles away. Said parents stay for a week at a time and look after the child both during the day and occasionally in the evenings, as well as doing (and paying for) the food shopping and cooking. The OP is taking the piss, but she is far, far from being the worst.

And no, I wouldn't believe that example either, but it is 100% true.

It is hard to comment on all aspects of this as there's not much information. We didn't really have the option of grandparents providing childcare as they live too far away. PiLs (who live an hour away) did spend some time suggesting that they could do one day per week, but we felt that would be too much of an imposition and instead they do occasional emergency cover and babysitting, which is great and seems to suit all of us. However my brother and my best friend both have grandparents childcare on a similar level to that described by the OP - although I think they both fully appreciate how lucky they are. OP, AIBU is not a forgiving environment, but I think you have understandably got people's backs up with your comments about taking time off work to allow your parents to go on holiday. Those of us who pay for childcare have to cover times when nurseries are closed or, if we employ nannies, pay for their holidays AND take time off (most people I know who have nannies have an arrangement under which the nanny chooses half the holiday and they choose the other half). You have all this for - it would appear - free, and you did come across as a bit ungrateful. That said, I can see why you were annoyed about the way in which it was brought up, particularly if your parents have put you off paid childcare when you've raised it in the past. Sounds like a good heart to heart and a bit of hard work is in order, assuming you want to repair the relationship. Good luck with it all, and hope you manage to sort out some decent new arrangements.

they should have told you directly imo

I'm so envious of anyone with parents close by enough for childcare. In the real world, you know, grandparents are for holidays and Christmas and wonderful weekend visits. Because between time they are doing all the stuff they never had time to do when you were little and demanding. Taking a photography course. Learning to bake. Having an afternoon nap before an evening socialising. Your post doesn't make me envious though, it makes me thankful that I haven't fallen into the same trap. Get out of it; find a wonderful childminder whose vocation is to child mind. You do sound a bit spoilt and additionally, did your parents speak to your sister because your air of entitlement frightens them? I've always worked full time and have a husband in the forces. Quite seriously, if I can juggle childcare independently, so can you!

What's 'a reverse'? Sorry everyone, I read stuff but don't often comment.

I think you are expecting a little too much from your parents.

My patents love my DC & are involved in their lives. It is very much on their terms though.

They pick one DC up from school one afternoon a week and then drop him home about 7pm & then they do the same with the other one on a different day. They asked to do this as they enjoy having them over.

They have the younger ones for an afternoon here and there, when they ask if they can take them out to the park.

They will also help in an emergency (if an adult or DC is in hospital, for example) & they stay at our house and babysit overnight for the DC, once or twice a year so that we can have a break/go to a wedding etc.

When I worked, they helped out with unplanned events. A sick DC that needed to be picked up from school, a work meeting that ran late so that I couldn't pick up from nursery - that type of thing.

I am really grateful for their help and they enjoy a great relationship with the DC's.

However, they would never provide set, weekly childcare. They wouldn't want to commit to it - and why should they?

I am a SAHM now. As much as I love my DC, it is tiring at the moment. I have been changing nappies and dealing with tantrums for years.

The thought of still doing that, three days a week AND some weekend days, in my retirement, is terrifying to me! Please let your parents have a break. The fact that you were planning to leave them a baby and toddler, without asking if they actually wanted this, seems a little unfair.

It might be the thought of another child coming along which has pushed them to speak up.

They were possibly looking forward to your DS going to school only to find you are expecting another.

It seems there are quite a few on here who find it hard to believe that GPs doing childcare for their grandchildren is the norm. Like a previous poster I'm in NE England, and it is very much the norm here. There are grandparents who wanted to do it, but there are a fair few who've felt obliged to do it and resent it.

The thing is, if it's the cultural norm where you live it's difficult to be the grandparent who says they won't do it, and it's hurtful to be the son or daughter who is told by their mother that she won't do regular childcare for them.

As it happens, all of the childcare to cover our work hours was paid for as neither set of GPs live close enough, and I wouldn't have wanted them to do it anyway. And there are plenty I've known who use a mix of nursery and grandparents, and I think they do take it for granted in some ways as they know no different.

Actually, I do have sympathy for the OP now as I'd be pretty pissed off if my parents had insisted on doing free childcare even though I was happy and willing to pay for formal childcare and then they'd bitched about me behind my back about me taking advantage. I can even see how irritating it must have been to the OP to have to take holiday to cover childcare when they went away as she wouldn't have had that hassle if she'd put her DS in nursery. I have to admit I'm wondering how short the notice of the holidays was as it may have been an issue getting time off and that's why she's resentful.

Our DC's grandparents do have the children for a few hours one day each over the weekend most weeks, so we take advantage of that and use it as childcare. :)

Op how did the child care ever start? did they just say we will take him off the cuff, was it all discussed properly?

I am not seeing the holiday comment as entitled, op is showing us she has put them first and they have been able to do what they want....

Its an odd one....