To feel disappointed by my own parents?

[soulpunk]

This is probably trivial compared to some posts on here and I probably just need someone to tell me to get over myself but...

My folks are retired and look after DS (their only grandchild) 2 or 3 days a week while I work (I go in alternate Saturdays so it's a 2-day week for them). They've done it since my mat leave ended when he was 10 months, he's almost 2 now. I found out today after a big post-christmas "heart to heart" that they've been finding the childcare difficult. But instead of talking to me about it they've been moaning to my sister and instead of her telling them they're talking to the wrong daughter, she's just been dropping passive aggressive hints over xmas about how she looks after mom and dad and someone's got to do it etc etc. They are both in their 60s but neither have any major medical conditions or anything - the odd "bad knee" etc.

When I managed to get it out of them they admitted "it is difficult because we can't always do what we want but we've got through the hardest part and the end is in sight" (more or less paraphrasing what they said). I was waiting for them to say "but we love having him and wouldn't want it any other way" or something but they didn't. After I got really upset at this confession, they still didn't reassure me that they were happy to have him. Instead proceeded to take this moment to tell me they won't be able to do the same with the next one (I am currently 4 months pregnant and will have to go back to work again as we can't afford for me to not work).

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary. He's with them approx 9am-4pm, occasionally an hour or two longer and occasionally half a day extra at the weekend if DH and I are doing DIY (moved house last yr). No evenings, no nights, but it is almost a regular job for them I suppose.

In addition, we went out for a (rare) family Sunday lunch a few weeks ago for my DH's 40th bday. DS doesn't particularly enjoy sitting in a highchair for long (what toddler does?!) but he wasn't especially badly behaved. But the meal was a bit rushed and he just wanted to play with nanny. My dad was obviously so utterly mortified by the looks we must have got (I didn't notice any) as DS was just being his fairly vocal self and wanting to run round etc, that he cancelled our NYE curry booking without even discussing it with me and said he won't ever do that again. I can't believe they weren't able to just shrug off any tuts by other diners.

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred? I don't really know what to do to get past this. They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it.

anyway I dont blame you for being hurt....however I wouldnt take it personally, they have tried and found it is too much for them.

just look on it as a bonus you have had all this free child care and plan accordingly for the next one.

hollyjolly agree with your post entirely. It is sad.

It all seems to assume that once people hit 60yrs they stay at home, do nothing and are available. I find it is an age where there is so much going on that the problem is a lot of it clashes and you can't do it all. it is a really exciting stage- I wouldn't want to go backwards and repeat all the childcare.
I will certainly help- but it will be on my terms- if I get any grandchildren. We are all spread out anyway -regular daily care is impossible

Presumably hollyjolly, in your culture, the parents will live with you when they can't manage-I take back my comments if OP is planning on that.

Jessica - a "reverse" thread is when the subject concerns different people (here: the daughter making the complaint, the sister who the parents have been talking to, and the parents) and the OP is not actually the person she presents herself as. So, here, some posters think that the person starting the thread, who describes herself as the daughter, is actually the sister or the mother. This is done to deliberately present the problem from a different viewpoint and often to invite criticism of the other party who the poster is in conflict with. People often suspect a thread is a reverse if the story seems exaggerated, this being a possible sign of the OP's enthusiam to incite an extreme reaction towards her "opponent". Reverse threads tend to be unpopular on MN as they are seen as dishonest, manipulative and time-wasting.

I don't think this is a reverse thread, as I said earlier.

I never understand the grandparent childcare threads on here. It's all down to personal choice and everyone is different. My parents live 5 minutes walk away and have babysat probably 5 times in 10 years, had 1 overnight stay and have never done a school pick up/tea instance. That's their choice and it's up to them. Do I think it means their GC are not massively important to them? Maybe. Do I resent it a bit? Yes. Am I jealous of the doting gp's at the school gates several times a week? Very.
God this is quite a cathartic exercise writing this!
But as a previous poster said, I can repay them for all this help when they are older and need looking after....
Or maybe I won't be able to look after them as I will be too busy looking after my GC whilst their parents are at work! And I can't wait to be able to do that!

Very often grandparents are completely tied up looking after their own parents.

yabu. you sound massively unconcerned about your parents other than as a source of free? childcare. v unpleasant.

DCs are tiny and learning very fast (possibly the fastest time in their lives - I'm no expert) for such a short time most GPs want to know their GCs and make a difference.

But small DCs are exhausting. Depends too if the home they are in is fully child proofed etc which DGPs houses often aren't. Making childcare more tiring.

And DCs are tiring in different ways, eg constantly wanting carried (baby) or constantly trying to open the front door (older)

And are DGPs actually sharing the care or is do they both constantly hover all day instead of one doing something whilst the other takes a break.

Too many ifs and buts to generalize. Though the thought of a constant stream of tinies to care for as more DCs have babies, until you are in your dotage is not what I have in mind as a DGP so perhaps assuring them this is the last DC or whatever so they see an end in sight might help.

Yabvvvvvu, your children, YOUR responsibility! Believe me, I find my 7.5 year hard and nearly 3 year old, I am exhausted and I am 37, let alone a couple of pensioners in their 60s. Add to the lively toddler, you expect them to look after a baby too . I don't blame them tbh, stop having children if you don't have the means to look after them! It is unfair suggest because they no longer can look after your dc tgat they love him less. No wonder they feel they canno talk to you, don't sound very approachable.

Omg here we go with the your kids your responsibility! In my family we all help each other when I was part time my parents did an afternoon a week for me or my sister did and I looked after my niece a day a week for a year from when she was one and I went full time my dh works weekends to pick kids up from school 2 days a week and my parents do the rest I am happy to look after any of my nieces or nephews. I now have a fantastic relationship with my sisters daughter as I have changed nappies helped potty train etc it's really sad that most of u would resent helping family.

5inabed it is! The grandparents no longer wish to look after their grandchild and soon, a young baby! It's their call! Op cannot see it from their PoV. For the record my neighbours mum looks after her 7 year old grandaughter, she is in her 70s and finds it very tiring and hard, her health is not that good, yet my neighbours sister is like the op, she cannot and will not see how hard it is for her mum. Last week her mum collapsed from stress and exhaustion and was taken to hospital, the mum feels tgat she cannot let her daughter down. It's not good.

Almost all of my friends have used grandparents for childcare, sometimes five days a week and for more than one child. It is the norm in my circles and almost expected.

When there have been problems eg grandparents struggling or ill, some parents have looked aghast at paying for childcare eg nurseries or childminders and seem to believe that the child is better off cared for by family members.

It really does seem to be an expectation so I am surprised by the number of posters who are horrified by the arrangement.

Some parents know the grandparents are struggling but carry on anyway because the priority for them is being able to get to work.

Yes I will babysit my gc from time to time, and look after them on my terms, but I don't want to raise chikdren over again. I want to enjoy my retirement, and do the things I couldent when I had kids.

Jingle it's good if Both parties feel the same, but if the grandparents feel put out by this arrangement it's not good.

I'd rather be considered "sad" by some stranger on the internet than exhausted, resentful and taken the piss out of thank you very much, 5inabed.

My DC know already - their kids, their responsibility. There's no room for doubt or disbelief. Why on earth would I want to go back into all that screaming, shitty nappy changing, tantruming, childproofing, routine keeping and other restrictions that go with looking after a baby or small child?

The thing with soulpunk is that her parents appear to have been too uncomfortable with telling her directly that they're exhausted and she's taking the piss. When she did become aware of it, instead of being shamefaced and addressing the situation immediately by finding alternative childcare for her own child she saw her arse because they dared be worn out by doing her parenting for her and because they don't want to add the baby she's expecting to their childcare burden.

Note that the OP's parents are still going to look after her kid regardless of how the OP has made them feel. It sounds like her getting "really upset" that the parents didn't immediately reassure her that they still wanted to care for her toddler guilt-tripped the poor couple into reluctantly agreeing to carry on the care for him even though they don't want to.

Selfishness and entitlement beyond belief.

I agree hoobie, it is feckung hard raising children, I find the baby/toddler stage bad, I hate it, I love it when they are of school age, noway would I want that again! I will help out where I can, I will look after the child if parents want a holiday or to go out for the night. I will be on hand in emergencies, but looking after children long term, with no end in sight, noway!

I think the message coming through very clearly ftom this thread is that, if grandparents start looking after grandchildren on a regular basis to allow parents to work, the situation has to be reviewed very regularly - every three-six months - so that, if things are beginning to get difficult, the parents can make new arrangements in good time if necessary. The point is that things can change, as has happened here. Grandparents' tolerance levels can change drastically, either because of their own health or energy levels or the stage that the child is at becomes more demanding and exhausting. It can't be assumed that grandparents' care can be long-term - right up till school-age, for instance. It is the continuous, long-term nature of the childcare that causes burnout. And the addition of another child, at the baby stage, as was happening here, places a huge extra burden - parents in their twenties and thirties often struggle with two at home.

What has gone wrong here is the lack of communication berween the parents and grandparents.

I get the impression Op may not be changing the arrangement....just a feeling.

The OP isn't changing it, Only1scoop. She said so in her first post - "They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it."

She appears to have guilt-tripped them into carrying on the arrangement in spite of all they've said and regardless that they don't want to.

For hoobie, op is being incredibly selfish and self centred. It is incredibly hard work looking after a toddler and a baby, I don't think op has any grasp on it. Tgey may burn out after a bit if they are finding looking after the toddler hard work, op may well be forced to put both chikdren in formal childcare.

OP- what do you do for your parents? They raised you and made sacrifices for you. How do you make their lives easier now?

I don't think they were being unreasonable to say it to someone who wasn't you. The fall out has illustrated your reaction, which they were probably afraid of. Your SIL probably picked up that they were struggling or cared enough to take notice of them and actually ask.

You say "we can't afford for me not to work"- well do you realise your parents have saved you around £600 or even more a month and its entirely down to their good will and your good luck?

When you have a second child who needs childcare it will get even more expensive. It is your choice to have two so don't complain about the cost. The point you are missing is this- it is NOT your parents job to cover your child care needs when you have kids.

I am in my 40s and my kids are at primary school. I find their care exhausting, and in 20 years time I can't imagine having the strength for such work.

You also ask them to take your kids so you can do DIY. Do you realise what a luxury that is? why can't you do the DIY and your DH take them out? or vice versa? That's what lots of other people have to do.

It sounds to me that you are doing lots of taking, and no giving, and are sort of expecting some sort of gratitude from your parents for "letting them" go on holiday and "giving them" so much time with your kids.

You are really in the wrong and should use paid childcare. Only then will you realise what an incredible perk this free and on-call childcare has been.

And don't resent them for this, they have done you a huge favour so far.

Well op find formal childcare if you feel bitter about it. You have no right to feel bitter, they have done you an enormous favour, and quite rightly don't want to do it anymore.

Big fat clap missbattleaxe here here, op read and absorb.

You do sound like one of life's takers I'm afraid Op....

Agree with pp ....infact up thread I equated the amount of childcare to approx 600 so it probably would be around that....for one.

God forbid your parents 'odd dodgy knee' which you mentioned becomes a little worse....perhaps due to the pressure they are put under by feeling obliged to care for your dc and maybe a second one.

Oh well I'm sure they will soldier on.