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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed by my own parents?

310 replies

soulpunk · 26/12/2014 23:52

This is probably trivial compared to some posts on here and I probably just need someone to tell me to get over myself but...

My folks are retired and look after DS (their only grandchild) 2 or 3 days a week while I work (I go in alternate Saturdays so it's a 2-day week for them). They've done it since my mat leave ended when he was 10 months, he's almost 2 now. I found out today after a big post-christmas "heart to heart" that they've been finding the childcare difficult. But instead of talking to me about it they've been moaning to my sister and instead of her telling them they're talking to the wrong daughter, she's just been dropping passive aggressive hints over xmas about how she looks after mom and dad and someone's got to do it etc etc. They are both in their 60s but neither have any major medical conditions or anything - the odd "bad knee" etc.

When I managed to get it out of them they admitted "it is difficult because we can't always do what we want but we've got through the hardest part and the end is in sight" (more or less paraphrasing what they said). I was waiting for them to say "but we love having him and wouldn't want it any other way" or something but they didn't. After I got really upset at this confession, they still didn't reassure me that they were happy to have him. Instead proceeded to take this moment to tell me they won't be able to do the same with the next one (I am currently 4 months pregnant and will have to go back to work again as we can't afford for me to not work).

To add, I've taken 3 weeks off work for them to go on 3 separate holidays and they've been away at least 3 other times this year over long weekends where I've swapped my work days where necessary. He's with them approx 9am-4pm, occasionally an hour or two longer and occasionally half a day extra at the weekend if DH and I are doing DIY (moved house last yr). No evenings, no nights, but it is almost a regular job for them I suppose.

In addition, we went out for a (rare) family Sunday lunch a few weeks ago for my DH's 40th bday. DS doesn't particularly enjoy sitting in a highchair for long (what toddler does?!) but he wasn't especially badly behaved. But the meal was a bit rushed and he just wanted to play with nanny. My dad was obviously so utterly mortified by the looks we must have got (I didn't notice any) as DS was just being his fairly vocal self and wanting to run round etc, that he cancelled our NYE curry booking without even discussing it with me and said he won't ever do that again. I can't believe they weren't able to just shrug off any tuts by other diners.

So it feels to me that they want grandchildren but only on their terms. I feel really hurt by this for some reason. I assumed their only grandchild should be the apple of their eye and what else could possibly be as fulfilling than having a hand in helping him develop - am I completely naive and/or self centred? I don't really know what to do to get past this. They are still going to look after him but I feel a bit bitter about it.

OP posts:
PhaedraIsMyName · 27/12/2014 12:19

I think we know the answer do does OP pay them.

usefully · 27/12/2014 12:24

I thought your op was going to be AIBU a to be disappointed that my parents didn't tell me they weren't happy to look after my son any more (instead they bitched me off to my sister).

I'd have said YANBU, they should have said something.

But you seem to be asking AIBU to be disappointed that my parents don't want to look after my child for free and don't believe the sun shines out of his arse.

To which my answer is actually YABVU.

Gawjushun · 27/12/2014 12:29

I disagree that it's more natural for family to do childcare. My son has done one day a week at nursery since he was nine months. He gets a great deal of support, socialisation, the company of children his own age, and tailored activities to keep him happy. GPs all love him to pieces, but days out with them tend to be slower paced, and he doesn't get to hang out with other children. The right nursery or childminder can be a great option for preschool kids.

3luckystars · 27/12/2014 12:53

Unbelievable

Tinkerball · 27/12/2014 13:13

The bit that gets me OP is your whine about taking time off work to let them go on holiday - they can go on holiday any time they like!!!!!

Only1scoop · 27/12/2014 13:23

Maybe get them something special to say thanks for all they have done.

That's about 600 pounds plus per month of childcare.

Wow

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2014 13:45

Surprised that it turned out not to be a reversal.
Also surprised to find it is 'normal' for for family to do childcare-many don't live near enough to do it on a regular basis.

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2014 13:47

Well, OP, you said you probably just needed to be told to get over yourself...it's pretty much unanimous! :o

mommy2ash · 27/12/2014 13:54

I've seen situations like this happen before it arises from the party needing the childcare to be oblivious and the party doing the childcare too afraid to speak up.

it happened Me with a family member i was doing 60 hours a week free childcare and zero thanks for it it was just expected.

when I refused to do it any longer they were shocked it was a problem.

they are now expecting their second baby and when I asked what the arrangements would be their exact answer was well I was thinking about it and decided you can work three days i will work three days and split childcare. except I don't need childcare I have my own arrangements made without relying on family and I can't afford to work three days to supplement someone else. I just laughed and said good one you nearly had me for a minute and it hasn't been raised since

nunkspugget · 27/12/2014 13:58

I think the gp's have muddied the issue here by guilt tripping op about paid childcare. Tbh op, I'm on your side....but would use other arrangements from now if possible as it would have made me angry to have them make me feel shit for thinking about using 'strangers' as childcare but then moan behind my back for using family instead.

CPtart · 27/12/2014 16:26

I can't believe the number of stories where GP feel "obliged" to look after the GC and seem afraid to say no. My DM helps us in emergencies but DS1 was only weeks old when she made it crystal clear the would be no regular childcare on her part. She didn't baulk at saying no quite definitely and I admire her for it, at least we knew where we stood.
Are so many GP so weak they can't speak up? I often see beleaguered GP trudging with prams, what a way to spend your retirement. I don't get this lack of communication at all.

Reekypear · 27/12/2014 16:30

They only want grandchildren on their own terms. PMSL.

jollygoose · 27/12/2014 16:37

from another point of a gms view yabu, we looked after our beloved gs 2 days a week for a year or so and whilst we loved it and love him dearly we did find it incredibly hard work.

Boomtownsurprise · 27/12/2014 16:39

Op I'm shocked. You haven't grown up have you?

Your parents are old. They cannot do it. You made huge assumptions and blindly carried on.

You need to find a childminder. Selfish woman.

Mintyy · 27/12/2014 17:03

God I hate aibu. It is the carbuncle on Mumsnet's derriere.

Op, yanbu to feel disappointed that your parents don't love looking after your child and yadnbu to be disappointed that they bitched about it to your sister instead of talking to you.

People love to get in an enormous froth in aibu and there is a definite pack/pile-on mentality.

You've had a few sensible replies from drivingmisspotty and haphazard upthread, I would just concentrate on what they have said, op, and put the rest of it down to out and out twattery from people who are bad tempered after the excesses of Christmas.

1981 · 27/12/2014 17:04

Mintyy did you read the OP?!

Mintyy · 27/12/2014 17:05

"Surprised that it turned out not to be a reversal.
Also surprised to find it is 'normal' for for family to do childcare-many don't live near enough to do it on a regular basis."

Of course it is utterly normal for hundreds of thousands of families for the grandparents to do some form of regular childcare. I know many families where this is the case.

LoisHatesChristmas · 27/12/2014 17:09

Well done for coming back op. I hope you sort things out with your parents. Chat is a better place on the site for advice without the bluntness.

TooHasty · 27/12/2014 17:16

When you became PG with no 2 , surely that should have sparked a discussion with your parents as to whether they were able to look after this one as well.

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2014 17:21

Not 'normal' as in you can take it for granted. You need a full discussion and some loving grandparents will not want to do it- they have busy lives themselves.

HollyJollyXmas · 27/12/2014 17:22

Blimey.

Think OP has been unfairly roasted here!

My mum had my first child 3-4 days a week from very young while we worked and was our only babysitter if we ever went out. She still babysits for my two DCs regularly. Its perfectly normal in lots of families (particularly in certain cultures) for the GPs to be significantly involved in raising their GCs. My grandmother had us every day after school for my whole childhood while my parents worked, also.

I think its fair enough if they are finding it hard and cant cope anymore, OP. You would be 'unreasonable' if you didn't take their feelings into account. Its unfortunate that they didnt just sit you down and come out with it, though. But that can be one of the downsides of non-paid for/official childcare - people feel uncomfortable discussing whats not working on both sides, as GPs feel obliged and parents feel that they should be grateful etc.

Hope you can work things out.

ithoughtofitfirst · 27/12/2014 17:25

I don't get this. I don't work because after childcare I wouldn't be earning much at all but would never dream of asking my (retired) parents (who are younger than op's) to look after my kids. For free. For fuck sake.

Bless them.

UptheChimney · 27/12/2014 17:25

I wonder if the OP's parents talking to their sister was as passive-aggressive as it seems.

Many moons ago my mother was used by my SiL (who doesn't cope very well with being organised or earning a living) to look after two toddlers. My mother was in her 70s at the time. They live in a different country & I visit about once a year: I was shocked at how exhausted my mother was. When my DS & I arrived she'd been in bed recovering for a few days.

I was very cranky with my brother & his wife: they just expected our mother to pick up their childcare gaps whenever they couldn't manage. I'd never had that sort of help, even when my DH died suddenly (all a long time ago). Luckily my MiL was closer & wanted very much to stay in touch -- we were a link to her dead son.

But I was furious with my brother & SiL for tiring out my mother & not realising it -- very selfish & thoughtless.

Maybe your sister is similarly protective of your parents OP?

drudgetrudy · 27/12/2014 17:26

I can now see two sides to this. OP is expecting a lot of her parents and seems to be expecting things to revolve around her kids-however I strongly suspect her parents are giving mixed messages-saying they want to have the kids and don't agree with them going to strangers and then moaning to her sister and others.
I'm suspecting she can't win with them-if they care for the kids she is "taking advantage" but if she makes other arrangements they will say that is all wrong -they miss them and they should be with family.
The solution in any case is to find alternative child care and pay for it.

OP-do your parents tend to play the martyr to manipulate you?

HollyJollyXmas · 27/12/2014 17:31

ithoughtofitfirst ...people have very different values, though. My grandmother looked after us as children so my mum could train as a teacher and go back to work, because my grandmother resented her own experience as a housewife and wanted 'better' for my mum.

My mum is the same. She believed passionately in me continuing my career and was happy to support me in that by providing childcare.

Perhaps not relevant for the OP, as her parents are now not happy to continue being carers for her child.

But lots of people will resist that 'I cant afford to work' thing furiously. Your children will be in education for many, many years and you will need childcare to work at some point unless you plan not to return for 15 years. Many people do rely on family for childcare. Thats just a fact.